Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

I think @shuggles is trying to make a little fun of us all on this thread.

Or otherwise they have some rigid thinking thing going. The desktop topic is strangely amusing.

Loving how they think they've got tech and education totally sassed with their uninformed and judgmental opinion and yet.... are so amusingly clueless.

Poor kid,just make it a great Christmas,no talk of anything other.

I used to as well. I currently prefer to use two (external) monitors and a laptop stand (so I can use my work or my private laptop with the same setup). But just a laptop without any additional monitors? No way, I couldn’t do my work.

Working on a laptop (without any additional monitors) also tends to be horrible for one’s posture. My physical therapists have very strong opinions about that. It apparently leads to hunching, slouching etc…

Working on a laptop (without any additional monitors) also tends to be horrible for one’s posture. My physical therapists have very strong opinions about that. It apparently leads to hunching, slouching etc…

I really hope you are not suggesting people buy extra monitors or ergonomic chairs for their teenagers! Send them down the mines, that'll teach them.

are you being sarcastic?

if you look at @shuggles posting history… i don’t think @shuggles has a sense of humour let alone “having fun with us”!

I would assume that shuggles strongly disapproves of 'fun'.

Sorry but I see where your son is coming from. You basically announce, "expect a disappointing Christmas this year" every year for absolutely no reason. And this year it's "expect a disappointing Christmas because I'm taking you on this holiday you didn't really want."

This! Blunt but accurate.

I didn't know mildly curious about their posting history now but not enough to do AS. They're set in their own ways and a bit of a know it all then. The sneery attitude about students who didn't succeed in their degree for whatever reason is sad. It reminds me of a woman I know who calls herself a feminist but sneers at women and girls doing anything they see as feminine, fun, carefree or independent (too frivolous). In my workplace people with that kind of attitude don't progress due to their oddball nature and lack of team spirit. Managers tend to discreetly eye role and junior colleagues quickly surpass them while having frivolous independent fun.

OK so, I was the child in this scenario. Wanna know what happened? I never asked for anything I wanted. I also "liked books and experiences" - both seen as cheaper alternatives and the latter being something not just for me. I only remember one Christmas and that was the year my sister was getting a violin so I was asked what I would like and I asked for a specific pair of boots. Hands down the best Christmas I ever had! My mum always made us aware how "poor" we were and, honestly, it made my childhood pretty crappy.
I think you need to sit down with him alone, explain the price range you have allocated for him and ask him to give you a list of things he would like. And from now on, please, don't make comments about tightening your belt or the like.
You're the grown up, the monetary side of things isn't a responsibility that should lay at his feet. He didn't ask to be born.

are you being sarcastic?

Yes.

It's true that I don't think seventeen year olds should be sent down the mine.

I think the responses here show that it is, indeed, unusual. The only people I know that own desktops are people that work in tech (and also have a range of laptops and other devices) and my parents.

My employer provides a laptop (maybe you should ask them why it's not a desktop, or maybe it's obvious, as it is to everyone else). Many other remote positions have computer ownership as a requirement of applying, especially low paid ones. Jobs like teaching sometimes provide a very poor quality laptop but most teachers can be found working on their own computers that actually work in the evenings.

Just like uniform, pencil cases and so on, a laptop is now considered essential kit at most schools. As I said, SD's school sends out information about a company providing interest free loan options on laptops and tablets. I imagine they have some sort of assistance in place for very low income families, but it's not advertised.

I'm amazed that there's anyone unfamiliar with the uses of tablets in education- they've been used for at least 15 years.

I am not sure where you've been for the majority of the 21st century and how you've got so out of touch with how young people need (and want, it's actually fine for kids to have a Christmas present they want for fun!) to use technology, but your continued doubling down in entertaining.

Wow. I am clearly a lone wolf in terms of my response to this. £200-£300 is a lot of money to spend on someone, what kind of world do these kids live in that they think this is ‘low key’? And I don’t think there’s an issue saying you’re cutting back. Money doesn’t grow on trees and Christmas is out of control these days. Older teenagers especially need to understand that their parents work hard to earn the money to buy the things they want and it should be appreciated.

Why? If parents can comfortably afford to buy their teen are car why shouldn’t they? You can teach your kids the value of money, instil a good work ethic and still buy them nice things.

OP it's OK to gift your son some cash. He'll probably appreciate it more as he can spend it as his needs arises. It also removes the stress of second guessing whether he's going to appreciate the gift or not.

OP: When I first read your thread my thought was: "Why does she care what a 17 year old child says", "they say all sorts of crap"!!...😂 (Mind you I have FOUR and after the first teenage-hood years, I ignored 80% of anything a teen says...and learned to filter what was TRULY life threatening....

Then regarding you saying "We are cutting back" and your apparent focus on money: My DH will take me to dinner, on a trip, pay an insurance or water bill, OR announce Christmas presents are coming (!)...but ALWAYS mention the cost or how "We have to spend less...". He has been doing this for 30 years; I have learned to 🙄. Yes, you may want to drop that line about money, it is a wet blanket and questions your credibility.

Parents make a huge mistake about Christmas. They buy too much crap. They buy things not asked for. Then they complain things are not put away when really no place for it. And why should the kid give up something they have liked for years to have for something new they didn’t want. And parents upset they do not use it. Waste my money. They didn’t ask for it. They asked for something else or only one of. You saw a sale at the store and bought cause you enjoy buying. And then in subsequent years you buy for the sake of the pile. Last year that sale on Disney princess dolls you got 3 for the price of one LOL doll they wanted. Surely they would want three instead of 1 doll. So this you have 2 more gifts to buy so it does not look like less stuff. It s a vicious circle. Does a 17 year old need an advent calendar? And a stocking? And a Xmas Eve box to get them excited about Christmas Day which is already exciting on its own. Presents early to be excited about presents? Cause they might not be? If he does not tell you what he wants it’s his own fault for being disappointed. Maybe they grew experiences? He is 17. He has his entire life to be disappointed over a gift. Also the determination to earn money so he can buy what he wants and to stress over finding gifts for people. Mainly he possibly thinks you cut down several years in a row cause you said you did. He may not realize you spent the same amount as always. Kids really have no idea if you found it on sale or their top gift was 20 and their 3rd item on the list cost 100. Xmas is magic. It just comes. You ask for that which you don’t think parents can do for you. Your job isn’t to make sure he is not disappointed. He also could be bothered by something else and simply crabby. And now you are crabby. It’s contagious I swear it is. Has he flown? If this is the first time maybe anxious over that? You get what you get and you don’t have a fit. Some people sincerely just can’t self regulate but most can. You can teach him manners. Say thanks anyway when receiving. Why not tell him he hurt your feelings. Maybe he will explain better what he meant? Maybe just get them 2-3 things and a 20 to do with what they want? Permission to shop is a gift to some. Put something they really like in the stocking. But don’t fill it. All those little items can add up and perhaps could go toward a more impactful gift?

“Why must a laptop be portable?” To take it to school and bring it home again and to do work on it in either location, maybe a third or forth if they living at two places cause divorced parents and go to a brick and mortar library to work. I was a children’s librarian before kids and believe me most students do work at home or outside of library school in university. What is the next question why do we have cell phones instead of land lines? The answer is to answer a call whether home or not.

It sounds to me like your DS wants a "low key" Christmas- and you're giving him what he wants.

TV is full of families being joined by aunts and uncles and 29 cousins for Christmas, so I think it's easy to think knuour won Christmas is low key even if it takes a lot of time money and effort.

Maybe OP is a government minister or senior civil servant. Trying to manage expectations and failing miserably.

Moral of the story OP, don’t ask for innocent, benign advice on MN, as they’ll rip to you shreds, but - if you want to ask about snitching on a friend who’s getting help with private school fees which you feel is “immoral” as you and your wealthy husband work v v hard, positive comments all the way.
FWIW, I get why you feel bad as you work really hard to make sure your two sons are happy and not left wanting. Your oldest is just sounding off, try not to feel so hurt and guarantee he will look back when he’s older and appreciate everything you did for him.

Sorry. I agree with all of the above. A former colleague told her daughter she was pegging Christmas gifts for her and her children at a certain amount , then was in floods of tears in work because her daughter said that she and her children didn't need anything and her mum should just give the amount mentioned to her favoured charity!! Similar thing in that you said you were cutting back ,now you feel "crappy" because your son told you what he thought of that. Why mention your plans to cut down at all. Especially if you haven't been asked for anything.

I'll be honest, someone saying 'just give it to charity then,' when a grandmother tells them what their Christmas budget is sounds absolutely bizarre and downright nasty to me.

Where has that been said?