Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

Sorry OP…I agree the cutting back comment kills the vibe. You are setting him up to think your christmases are spartan even if they’re not.

At 17, do you let him know your budget for presents? It might help him gauge what to ask for and help him understand that it’s not an insubstantial amount of money.

I don’t know how you normally do Christmas but what about Cards Against Humanity Kids Edition - it’s very silly and gets quite raucous.

Spotify have some good play lists too. I normally put it on in the morning while I’m making breakfast and dance around the kitchen singing. DH pretends to hate it 🤣

Doing things in the run up also adds to the feeling of it being a big event. Decorating the tree is practically a ceremony in my house with mulled wine, roast chestnuts and Christmas films in the background.

Christmas lights at the local stately/castle, carols around the village tree, panto, ice skating, Starbucks red cups etc are all fun. There will be a Christmas version of whatever the boys are into. Your son who’s into experiences could help plan these. Again, you could give him a budget to help him understand the value of these things.

Some Parkruns do a fancy dress before Christmas. They’re free but fun. Christmas markets are also free bar the cost of a few hot chocolates or a German hot dog.

How has this post turned into a pile on of judgement as to how much OP spends on her kids at Christmas?? To all you mouthing off that she’s spending too much-what the hell does it have to do with you?? She spends what she can afford and feels is appropriate, you spend what you can afford. Stop dictating to others how to treat their own kids.
This post is about his comments, which, OP, I have to agree with the majority. Stop with the cutting back comments, he probably mistakenly feels you don’t actually spend much because you’re “cutting back”. I get that it’s bothered you, but best advice I could give would be to let it go. Teens often say things in the heat of the moment without thinking of the impact of their words, my lad has come out with some right clangers over the years 🤣 he’s much better now he’s 18.
And if it makes you feel any better, our christmases have been ‘low key’ for years. We see family either side of the day to do present swaps, but the day itself is just our household, usually in PJs all day 🤣 heaven!

😂 true.

OP, sounds like you are in a rut and feeling tired and wary. Ditch the phrase 'I'm cutting back this year'. Don't ever say it again. It's mindless at best and controlling at worst.

And try to identify your feelings behind parenting and Christmas. Your sons are nearly grown, and you must feel tired and wary of the caregiver role in the face of near adult sons. That's ok and to be expected.

Instead of your grinch phrase, could you not try to rope your dc in to help with the running of xmas a bit. Agree with pp, ditch the xmas eve box, that's cheesy and materialistic enough as it is but it's cringe for young adults.

Turn the dynamic around a bit. Let your sons help with the xmas tree buying, let them help cook the meal and involve them in transitioning your experience to a more adult Christmas. Try out an American themed Christmas for fun and novelty..

It's a strange age, you are still in full on mum mode yet they are too grown for such a one sided approach being the passive recipient of parental gift giving.

By your reiterating your grinch phrase each year you are also signalling to your growing sons that you are in charge of the purse strings and they are passive recipients of the xmas experience and life in general.

Let them grow up, help and contribute. Do cut back on xmas eve boxes but get them nice presents. Also expect at least a nice present from each of your sons. Change the dynamic. Good luck.

Yes sorry OP, the “I’m cutting back” comments are guilt-inducing. What’s the point in saying them? If someone said that to me, I’d immediately feel bad - not at the lack of presents, but at the feeling of I was being an expense and a burden.

You need to stop doing that. Even if you do cut back.

Make it positive and exciting!

During covid we were broke (both self employed and all our work disappeared in covid). We didn’t say we were cutting back, but massively we did, and nobody noticed as we kept the mood up, got some bargains. (It was a really great Christmas, actually, just us, which helped with the cost!)

I don’t think you’re doing it to be unkind, you’re probably just feeling frightened of money and it comes out.

Maybe have a word with him. Explain it. Say you’ll stop talking about how much it all costs.

This! I probably spend less on my children, around £100-£150 except a few times when they have had a console or bikes. They don't get piles of presents. However, I don't think anyone would say our Christmases are low key! I celebrate for the whole month of December. I plan lots of Outtings, skating, ballet, theatre, cinema, etc and lots and lots of family lunches with various relatives and meals with friends too. I love decorating the house. The house is full of treat food and Christmas music. I absolutely love Christmas.

I don't really get what you're upset about. Sounds like he isn't expecting much anyway and doesn't demand anything.

My aunt does this with food every time we visit them for a meal.

She's a great cook, but she always starts every meal with "well, the wellington/roast/lasagne/risotto is not my best so sorry if it's a bit disappointing". We always assure her we'll enjoy it anyway but the first few minutes of every dinner are spent with her picking apart her creation while we assure her it's all good.

My parents are mediocre cooks but we enjoy our meals there much more. My mother's response to anything that goes wrong (dry meat, burnt potatoes) is "oh well, at least I didn't roast the cat by accident. At least the pudding will be good". Puddings are always shop-bought 😂.

As a "belated" advise, keep the whole cr@p chats on "life is getting so expensive these days, we will have to cut on Christmas/Birthdays/holiday in a tent in the backyard" to you friends group and away from children. Especially when (judging by your OP) you are not on a breadline.

As everyone has said, you're the one who always makes comments about cutting back, and who has then said that he won't get as much for Christmas because of a holiday to America encouraged by his brother.

I don't think you can then act surprised by his comments.

Exactly. £200-300 per person is massive. Why be an annual buzzkill about it?

Well said!!

To which I would add you are spending on them; it’s just being spread across seasonal festivities.
I love Christmas too!

I can’t actually see where he said Christmas is crappy.

He said it was low key. Low key doesn’t mean crappy.

It seems you draw attention to cutting back financially every year. Now are saying it again.

Whether you accept it or not, a parent talking about cutting back makes kids worry that there’s a financial burden.

I appreciate you don’t see it, but honestly if Christmas has a ‘we need to cut back this year’ conversation every year, people get fed up. My mum used to say it to me. I didn’t ask her to spend so much on my kids. But every year I had to listen to the cutting back conversation it got tiresome. I think I might have responded with ‘you say that every year’ or ‘you have been doing for years’.

Then you have equated this to him saying Christmas with you crap. So taken what he said and made it a hide deal because you have taken it personally. Then you can’t believe that your ‘I am cutting back’ conversation, could illicit an emotional response from him, that you didn’t intend.

Maybe the reason he says he wants nothing is that he's felt guilt tripped all of these years because you stress the expense of Christmas and other things.

Stop making them feel they are a financial burden.

You are joking? £200 for a 17 year old goes nowhere!

OP I'd ignore the comments about your budget. It sounds fine to me. However I really don't think this is a wise battle to pick with a really lovely sounding 17 year old. This is the last childhood Christmas you're going to have with him. Just move on from the comments from both sides, anything that he hints he wants just bloody get it for him within reason and do as much snuggling up for movies/days out/hot chocolates as the moody teens can stomach. Oh and give him first dibs on activities when you do the USA too as it doesn't really sound like the holiday was picked for him. This is not really about anything more than your bruised ego so it's up to you to refuse to give it headspace. Just enjoy your lovely lads and be happy that they turned out so well.

Sorry but I see where your son is coming from. You basically announce, "expect a disappointing Christmas this year" every year for absolutely no reason. And this year it's "expect a disappointing Christmas because I'm taking you on this holiday you didn't really want."
Why do you do this? Even if you did need to cut back financially, why announce it unless the change was going to be drastic?
What about the non-monetary aspects of Christmas that make of special? Like getting all the family together, Christmas events, etc. What do you do?

Yep. You're making Christmas seem super negative by saying this every single year. Then you're wondering why noone is happy about it- I mean, duh, of course they arent excited if you say this every year. You're guilting them about money before its even happened.

Christmas can still be fab even if you arent spending thousands of pounds. The Christmases I remember the most fondly arent the ones where I had loads of money spent on me- they're the ones where we did fun, amazing things together and enjoyed ourselves. I cant even remember half the gifts my parents got me for christmases past. What I do remember is the time we spent together and even more poignant now that my parents have passed.

Change your attitude and I guarantee you'll see a change in them. It's really hard to get excited about anything when someone pre- warns you months beforehand that it'll be difficult and hard and is causing a financial challenge. Who in their right minds would hear that and then go yay, I cant wait?!

Agree.

When I was 18 my mum had an outburst moaning about my uni costs. It was clear that she resented me having opportunities she never did. (The costs were affordable to them.)

I dropped out to work & move away, and while I eventually did return to education and even earned a master's degree, it changed the course of my life for the worse. Forty years later I still remember that conversation like it was yesterday.
And my scared, guilty feelings.

Making teens feel like monetary burdens is cruel and selfish. Doing it year after year after year has created anxiety in this boy, clearly.

Well said, @buildersteacup

I remember my reserved, quiet dad getting excited to trim the tree and being a good sport wearing the crown from the cracker; couldn't tell you what gifts I received most years.

In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Why are you getting him stuff he doesn't want? Don't get a wish list?

Mine write wish lists, always have since they could write 😂. They start in October half-term and it gets edited and refined over the following weeks. They used to put the wish list in the chimney for Santa to collect, now they email it.

I then pick the items from the wish list so that there is still an element of surprise.

What this thread shows me though is that it's no good being a martyr. Do the emotional and other kinds of giving up to the point you feel it's too one sided. young adults don't like bingo passive receivers who are also controlled. It's emotionally healthier for them to also give and contribute. That's where they get their sense of purpose from. Showering them with gifts and experiences can be stifling. Letthem help make and shape Christmas. Let your ds organise the pants tickets if you go to pants, let the other order the tree. Mine have helped chose and carry the tree to the car since they were 5. We decorate the tree together, in fact last year they did it while dh and I had a 🍷and gave 'helpful' comments. Keep a sense of humour and don't be a perfectionist.

Go to your ds and tell him you've been a grinch making those mindless comments. And that you want things to be slightly more grown up and balanced. It's not about money but about having fun together.

Your way of dealing with things is very strange. To me it sounds like you say 'I'm cutting back this year' so that they are happy with what they get because you haven't cut back. To me as a teenager I would hear 'We have money troubles, times are tight, all is not well financially', anyway, enjoy Christmas kids because mum's not being honest about it all, she just has some odd reasons for spreading doom and fear instead of Christmas cheer.

he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. Perhaps this is because you tell him you’re cutting back each year?

I think I understand why you do it, you’re so afraid of disappointing your children that you lower their expectations so that everything will seem better.

It doesn't always work like that though, sometimes if you tell kids something is going to be exciting / boring they take you at your word. The most mundane day ever can be exciting if you act like it is, and the reverse is true too.

Also, I think you are being unfair on your son about being upset in response to his comments. He is just being honest. Take it on the chin, don’t overthink it, apologise for exaggerating the ‘cut backs’ and ask him what would make Christmas more exciting this year. And do it with an open heart and no guilt-tripping.

The annual I’m cutting back comment must be wearing. I mean if you have got to the point you say it as some form of tradition then he’s right as theoretically you’ve been cutting back for years.

you know he’s not into stuff, so stop saying it, it makes you look like the materialistic one. It’s not all about stuff. Try to engage with them on how they want Christmas.

and the line of, it’s just a couple of comments from you, which is ok but not if he does it in return, isn’t ok,

pants = pantho 🤔