Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

It’s odd that you would tell your kids you’re “cutting back” in an attempt to control your own spending which you then don’t manage to control.

I can see it would be depressing to feel you’re always getting cut back Christmases - even if what they actually receive is overly generous.

This may not be about presents - if he says your Christmases are “low key” he may just fancy something more sociable.

Well said @FuckMiniBabybells . Mine don't get 'a few bits and pieces' either. They get a proper Christmas present as do the adults.

What's intriguing me, OP, is the disconnect between your son's words (he sounds like a great young man, btw) and your 'really upset' reaction. What would you have wanted him to say when you asked him how he experiences your Christmases? I can't help feeling that question was a bit of a test that you've decided he's failed. I don't see 'low-key' as some kind of insult or denigration, at all. I see it as nice. chilled, lovely. But you've read it as some kind of complaint or ingratitude. Particularly in combination with your regular 'cutting back' announcements, I can't help feeling there's some kind of emotional game-playing going on from your side, intended to elicit particular responses (of praise for your Christmas efforts? gratitude?), which has now backfired and your son is bearing the brunt.

I agree. It’s unfortunately poor PR.

I think it would depend how you say it as in we can't afford it or I really should have better self control. If I said this I could imagine my DD having the same reaction because she knows I tend to impulsively or accidentally buy too much. I usually get stuff through the year and often forget what I've bought. I once bought the same 3 books twice and last year I took some purchases from mid year that they weren't that interested in anymore to a charity because they really dont need so much stuff. Anything I said would be aimed at myself and my behaviour rather than what we could or couldn't afford.

First post nails it. He’s probably anticipating your yearly cost-cutting comment and it annoys him as it sucks the joy a bit.

Op I think some of these comments have been quite harsh. I can see you in fact try very hard to make Christmas nice and it’s important to you to do so. I think you talk it down because you’re scared of under-delivering.

However, that’s a bit like an awkward debutante who keeps muttering about how awful she looks when given compliments. It’s hard to keep thinking she looks lovely when she’s pointing out her pimples. You have spent a very reasonable amount and there was no need to present your Christmases with talking down.

I would raise it with your DS and be honest about this - that you have always been scared of disappointing so have tried to lower expectations. Admit that he didn’t choose the trip and ask what he’d really like for this Christmas then work to get it. My hunch is he won’t say anything much more outrageous than he would have got anyway ( fingers crossed he doesn’t say a car!) But I don’t think this is about money: it’s about Christmassy spirit and I think you need a reset. Then next year revert to normal but for goodness sake don’t talk it down in advance! My friend had parents who did this and every year in the lead up to Christmas she would be all mopey and tragic while the rest of us were buzzing with excitement. You know what? She normally got more than the rest of us . You know what else? She still hasn’t clocked that. And she’s 45.

I wouldn’t underestimate how much children take odd throwaway comments to heart. I’m sure even if it’s just once a year, he has really felt the ‘cutting back’.

By saying that you're cutting back there's an implication that you can't afford it, he feels some responsibility and so he tries to help by saying he doesn't want anything....

Now you're saying you're cutting back so you can go on a holiday - pushed for by his brother - that he's not keen on.

You need to sit down and talk to him about how it's a stupid thing to have said and how you're not going to say it again and how you're going to have a great Christmas....

Why don’t you focus on the traditions and making it about family rather than money? Why mention it if he hasn’t made it about money? He also didn’t say anything negative, he just stated a fact that Christmases are low key, most Christmases are right? Especially with teens?

Why are you talking about Christmas in September? Let Halloween pass at least first.

I agree. No wonder he doesn’t really “want anything”. He’s aware “you’re cutting back”.
Gosh it sounds so miserable to be told this about christmas every year. As pp said, that’s one of your christmas traditions and not a good one!

I grew up with a parent who would regularly say ‘we have no money’, even though as an adult looking back we did have money, it was just a way for them to try to keep spending down. It really affected me and made me very anxious around money. I have a disability that stops me from working anything but part time, and ended up marrying an abusive older man when I was still young so that I wouldn’t be a financial burden on them anymore, because that’s how far the constant no money messaging sunk in from hearing it my entire life. Thankfully no longer in that marriage, but it took a long time to get out.

Children absorb this stuff and put it on their shoulders to carry the burden.

Ouch, I can see why you feel hurt but it seems he's taken you at your word.

My mum used to say things very much like you do, often when she was being a bit martyr-ish. I think it was supposed to prompt us into being more grateful for what she did do for us but it didn't really have that effect because all we heard was moaning.

So every year you make this announcement months in advance? Why? It must be to downplay any excitement they have for Christmas - teens do start to think it’s a bit shit as they get older and more cynical anyway.
So now you’ve made it clear they’re not to expect much and you’re offended by a teen who is honest about how he feels over recent ‘cutback’ years because you don’t really spend any less. It’s all a bit unnecessary!

Or this year come out dressed as Santa’s wifey and do a pole dance. 🤶💃It’ll be hard for that to go down as low key! 😂

But more seriously oP, think of something he’d actually enjoy ( Christmas Eve gathering with friends? A certain meal? OTT decorations in one room?) and try to have fun with him about it this year.

Reminds me of my ex who used to say we would be having a ‘lean’ Christmas every year and this was before we had kids, total joy sucker of a man.

My aunt used to do a Christmas pudding buffet, as she called it. Basically meant she put out about 6 OTT cakes for pudding as well as Christmas pudding ( one was normally trifle) and it looked very festive and not at all low key. She had quite a few over for Christmas so needed that sort of volume, and she made them from scratch, but with a moderate outlay you could do similar with a few items from somewhere like Cook. They do really quite upmarket frozen desserts that look homemade once defrosted overnight - fruit tarts, lemon meringue pies, pavlova rolls etc. Most teenage boys are a fan of a gluttonous-looking spread!

Never look to a teen for validation.

You're very caught up in your own feelings. Once you have processed those you now have an opportunity to find out more about this son who you don't know well enough to know what presents he might like or how he would like to celebrate Christmas. Don't make it about you. Ask him what he meant by the comment and what's on his mind. He has shared his feelings and it's a good opportunity for you to get to know him better.

Well there’s that too…

But I do think op you need a bit of fresh PR on your Christmases. You’ve undersold what were perfectly generous affairs.

Just try to have a bit of lighthearted presentation this year and going forward hold your head high and enjoy what it is you provide.

Firstly, I don't make a grand speech about cutting back - it's been a comment or two, literally.

You don't remember being a teenager? Even a single comment that hits a nerve will be ruminated over, especially when it's multiple comments every year.

He's hard work - no interest in learning to drive for environmental reasons, no interest in latest tech
And there is the rub, I know you think this is a "well hidden secret" but no doubt he feels it. The comments about feeling bad for DS2 and comparisons kind of solidifies this, he will pick up on this and is no doubt going through his own comparisons when DS2 seems "easier" to you and I'm guessing more "normal" especially at Christmas when his brother is opening presents thought out for him and meaningful and he is opening generic presents essentially. You've said he's academic and really into history so you should have been leaning into that, taking an interest in HIS interests even if they bore the life out of you. I suspect it's probably a bit too late now given he is off to uni next year.

Separate the holiday and Christmas issue as they are not comparable, a holiday is a holiday.

If you're constantly reiterating that you're cutting back what other impression of Christmas is he meant to have?

That doesn't make him ungrateful, it means you've reinforced this "less than last year" idea constantly and it's little wonder that's become his view of your Christmases.

You're resenting him for being difficult to buy for. You've announced cutting back so many times you can blame him for thinking you have. Just spend less so you resent him less.

Kids pay far more attention than parents often give them credit for. He lacks the perspective to realise that it's just a stupid thing you say and isn't your reality. He's taking you at face value.

Stop being such a bloody kill joy and setting such negative connotations. It's obviously colouring his experience of Christmas.