Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

Also this is something to consider.

This! Sounds like you take the joy out of it. He feels guilty for asking for anything so doesnt. Why keep saying it?!

From his perspective it could have came across like you think he expects too much and like he's always asking for stuff when he isn't.

My dad made me feel like that sometimes. For big or small stuff.
He once offered to pay for something education related and then when it came down to it he didn't, another family member actually brought it up to him and then he said he'd pay for that but that would mean he wouldn't help me with a car.

I didn't ask or expect him to help me out with a car.

He would also do it at Christmas 'now that's all until your birthday' even though I didn't ask for stuff.

As an adult I feel really uncomfortable receiving presents, even if it's something tiny, I feel guilty that someone has spent money on me.

It sounds a bit killjoy to keep mention cutting back.

Unless the 'cutting back' is so drastic you'll have dry bread for lunch and coal as a present then why mention it?

You're making it rather gloomy

I had to laugh at this OP because my mum makes the ‘cutting back this year’ comment too.

I wouldn’t read too much into his response. They sound great kids.

Maybe use some common sense, if you need to talk about Christmas and the relating details in September.
Your sons are teens, I'm not sure - you could say Christmas is cancelled, just for the mood...
😐

Same. I've warned mine this year that there will not be masses of presents as in previous years for them never to be used, total waste of money.

Also my two are similar eldest easy to buy for merch vinyls make up etc and also asks for the world not just at Christmas but throughout the year and needs reinded in. Youngest would be happy with a packet of sweets and never asks for much even in the days of believing in santa and not knowing it was us that spent the money.

Budgeting doesn't ruin the spirit of Christmas but if the expectation is there with no prior warning that could put a dampener on things.

I wonder if he's a nice boy who never asks for anything because you keep telling him you're cutting back. He never gets anything nice and he finally gets told the US trip he didn't want is his present and he snapped. Slightly and very politely.

We've had years where we just had a holiday and a few cheap presents but we framed it as, 'we're so lucky to have a lovely holiday'. Rather than endless 'cutting back' from not that much to start with.

Stop sounding like Ebenezer Scrounge and just enjoy Christmas. Do the staff that is fun and cheap. Muppets Christmas Carol, hot chocolate, charades and eating crap, even for breakfast. Cheap and wonderful.

"social services gives each foster child £350 allowance for Xmas presents."

This sums it up perfectly.

You're putting guilt on a child about Christmas costing too much. If he hears this every year it's no wonder he's lost the interest in Christmas.

Cutting back is a conversation to have between adults.

I think it is unfair to talk about cutting back. They are not in control of your Christmas spending and shouldn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Well it’s obvious you say you’re cutting back so that’s how he feels, cause you’ve told him that’s what you’re doing! People frame things how you tell them to. If instead you bigger up what you do he’d probably feel differently. My parents constantly moan about money and from an early age I said I didn’t want/need anything. They’re quite well off (secure DB pensions, had a recent inheritance etc) yet they still moan and scrimp Unsurprisingly when asked if I want anything for me or the kids I always say we’re fine, don’t worry. I think your son is reacting to how you say it and can’t get excited or ask for stuff as he feels he’s putting pressure on you. You’ve taken all the fun out of it. I’d set your budget change the narrative and just be positive about what you are doing and try to make it fun

He sounds like a really nice young man OP. So I doubt he deliberately meant to be mean to you.

I actually think his comment was a good thing because in all the stress of creating a nice time for your family at Christmas and annual holiday time, his comment has suddenly given you a light bulb moment and you can now have a bit of a re-think about the effect of your words and how to put things right and back on track for all the lovely things about looking forward to Christmas.

A lot of mums try to manage expectations by saying they are cutting back this year and then they don’t so that all the gifts are a lovely surprise yet again. But it seems for your son, some of the Christmas cheer and good will has been eroded by hearing it every year, as if it’s an admonishment or as if you regret having been so generous in past years.

If you can put your ‘feeling rubbish’ feelings to one side and tell him you are sad and sorry that your words landed all wrong with him this year and all previous years you have said it, I’m sure you will feel better. Give him a hug and tell him he means the world to you and remind him how proud you are of him and how much you want Christmas to be lovely for you all. Ask him to think hard about if there’s anything special he would like his year as a gift or anything special he would like to do for a new family tradition., Tell him you will think twice about using words like that in future and thank him for letting you know.

And then you can make a mental note to really build up the special feelings of looking forward to your family traditions, lovely food and family fun time so that your boys know how much you value them being there and taking part.

I think your post is actually a good reminder to us all not to get so stressed about the cost and the chores, but to really enjoy creating special feelings for our children, no matter what age they are.

OP I don;t mean this disrespectfully, maybe I do I don;t know but are you my mother?! I grew up with this utter bull ..every year its the grand speech, a bit like yours. and frankly its wearing. It's all about you the same way it was all about my mum. you could set a timer on when she would say it and every year she delivered without fail. Its frankly embarrassing to have this grand speech then be faced with crap we didnt want/ need/desire all given with almost a certain spite..I got you this and this and this now be greatful, I said we were cutting back but this was x amount and this was x amount of pounds and you will love it and forever praise me for my efforts. We never asked for anything either like your son because after all the crap she spouted she took the shine off everything, You are demanding your sons be greatful to you for what? Oh yes you are marvellous for providing exactly what you deign right for them. You have built up a resentment and it will under pin your relationships with your son forever more. I am 50 plus and have had this exact same for years. The last 5 yrs its been starting earlier August time you can set your clocks by her. "where are we eating on Christmas day? We need to book it NOW so we can get in somewhere..Its my treat" Non of this is necessary, no one asked for it or for her to "treat" us, no one wants it either but hey ho for the sake of peace we go along with it.Then from August we have to deal with ooohhh its cost me £1000 for Christmas dinner you are not getting much in the way of presents...No one wants any presents, no one asked for any presents but omg we have to be super greatful for dinner we didnt want too, that we all would pay for ourselves with no issues, Then we get Christmas day dinner out of the way and for the next months we get "wasnt that lovely, us all together well worth the £1000. £1000 for a single meal wasn;t it marvellous though?, Well worth it Not doing it next year all that money,...oh ffs give it a rest. Then it starts again in August.
This is what you sound like with your boy, make no wonder he bit back. I rather like your son for keeping it real and saying what he feels, He is right. This is your issue for whatever reason you are putting on him and like us with our mum he has probably got fed up of massaging your ego when it is demanded he does so. You will lose so much if you carry on. I promise you.

Those lucky foster children.

In case it's not obvious, I'm joking. Who resents foster children getting money spent on them st Christmas?

OP stop being the Christmas doom monger in September. You're not cutting back, stop saying it. You're setting yourself up to fail.

A few thoughts...

Why were you doing the 'prepare for a disappointing Christmas' speech in September?

The golden child - scapegoat dynamic is very obvious.

If you tell someone you've cut back every year, they're probably going to view that as you've cut back every year.

Why are you dragging a teenager halfway across the world on a holiday they don't seem to really want?

And again, why were you doing the 'prepare for a disappointing Christmas' speech in September?

@itsjustbiology you nailed my mum! Exactly and it's such a bore.
She also pulled the Golden child, so easy to buy for card and gave me just some random box ticking item plus the full weight of her emotional baggage.

This thread has some really interesting ideas in the unintended consequences of why we do the things we do.

If this is worst you’ve had from your teen, you’ve got off incredibly lightly, especially as his reaction shouldn’t be unexpected. He sounds like a great lad.

I think by saying you are cutting back and then spending £200+ on presents for your DC you have created unrealistic ideas of what most people spend on Christmas as your children will assume most people spend more than that. They think they have a low key pared-back Christmas because that's what you've told them. Unless of course their friendship group is very wealthy - in which case I would probably have made clear to them at an early age that 'we don't have as much as xxx but we have way more than most people so we are actually very lucky'.

Saying it every year it must get a bit old. Though I don't think there's anything wrong with saying it in general. I've told mine it's time to think about a more adult Christmas now (they are all adults). There is no need for us parents to buy the same number of gifts we would buy for children. I've told mine we're cutting back due to them being adults, just so they won't be disappointed when things change.

I wouldn't take it personally. He probably means in comparison to those who buy a brand new iPhone and ipad and a ton of gifts (we all have those friends on our social media who share all of that). He’s a teen and they aren’t known for their tact. I do low key too, spend a similar amount - maybe £350 each child (bit less for my 30yr old as he’s earning and has more disposable income than i do).

My mum always said something like this just before Xmas. I think it was ‘it won’t be much this year’ every year she said it. I know it was because she was a worrier and didn’t want to disappoint us so she lowered our expectations but to be honest it did kill some of the excitement.

Gosh- when I went to bed there were no comments!

I'm grateful for the perspective but I do think some people are projecting a bit from their own experiences. Firstly, I don't make a grand speech about cutting back - it's been a comment or two, literally. And it's been about managing expectations, as a couple of others have said, not guilt-tripping. Like many, piles were a lot bigger when they were little and for a few years, in the transition from children - teens/young adults, I tried to recreate the piles but a lot of it was unwanted stuff really, or clothes that they liked but didn't need to be part of Christmas. When I decided to stop that, I wanted to manage expectations. It has become a bit of a joke and both have definitely said in the past 'You always say that but don't do it.' Also, I always find it weird when people are shocked by others mentioning Christmas (right at the end of) September. I work f/t in a stressful job and am on my own. I can't make Christmas happen in a couple of weeks I'm afraid but I certainly don't go on about it at this time of year - it was a one-off remark.

Our Christmas has loads of lovely traditions - films we always watch, decorations (will be the last year ds1 is here for that as will be at uni in the run-up next year :( ) , walks we go on...It isn't all me moaning about money. It's because we do all that stuff that his comment hurt me.

As to the golden child comments, I get where people are coming from and, as an only child, I worry about the sibling dynamic. However, all holidays so far have been more dominated by ds1's hobbies and interests. They kind of reverse Christmas as far as holidays are concerned. Neither likes pools/beaches much but ds1 loved history and museums and I always have to think really hard to factor in some stuff for ds2, who, to be fair, would happily sit in an apartment on his phone the whole time. But doesn't as we go to stuff his brother likes and he uses his phone there! (Not all the time and not all we do, in case someone takes that literally). I have managed to centre the USA trip 50% on history stuff for ds1 - before that he was saying silly stuff like 'there's no history in the USA,' but now I know he is excited. Also ds1 is an academic high flyer and ds2 less so - doesn't struggle but not his brother, which is fine by me. But I know he gets a lot of comparisons from teachers, friends and ex's family, and I feel bad for that. I don't think it's a simple golden child and 'other' dynamic. They are close as well.

I do take on board the comments but I don't think he really wants stuff and doesn't like to ask, but, if there is something I think he'll like I do my best to get it and don't make it about money. I've been asking about his 18th and he's said he wants nothing! He's hard work - no interest in learning to drive for environmental reasons, no interest in latest tech - thinks it's naff etc etc. He does like obscure football shirts and ones from places we've visited and that's about it!

It’s the sort of comment my parents used to say.

Made me feel like shit. Other folks are asking their kids what they want, surprising them with extras, going all out and my family were ‘don’t expect too much’.

Made me feel less worthy - like other parents wanted to spoil their kids, whilst mine felt resentful and irritated by any indulging of my wants and dreams.

Your kid may feel the same.