Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Fed up with DH family

163 replies

Inlawproblem · 30/09/2024 15:48

So dh has a special needs sister. She lives with his parents who are early 70's.
Once again I've been told sister is coming to stay with us for a week as his parents need a break. This I don't mind but I do mind the fact that it's just assumed I will mind her. This is September and the 6th time she has stayed.
Mil won't allow social services in to help. So there is no home help even though they are entitled it.
Dh has a sister who has moved back home and "claims" careers benefits and all the trimmings that go with it. She cut down her hours in work to 15 a week on the pretence that she was stepping up to be a career. Not happening at all. Mil is still doing all the main lifting with sil eg washing, feeding.
When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.
I can understand dh and( mil insisting that he doesn't) not wanting to wash her as she is a 40yr old grown woman but I'm done. Not once have I ever got a thank you from any of dh 3 siblings they all just bury their heads in the sand. They don't step up so it doesn't effect them.

My own parents after the last black eye tore strips of my dh and told him it's not on. If his own family are not getting involved I've not to be left doing it. I'm torn between packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week and leaving dh to deal with things or staying and helping because it is bloody hard going and the sad thing is sil doesn't understand.

OP posts:
Wanttobefree2 · 30/09/2024 15:52

So your husband has 3 other siblings but you’re doing all the looking after to give their parents a break. That doesn’t sound OK to me :-(

Jasmin71 · 30/09/2024 15:52

It would be a no from me, I don't see how you can be expected to do this. His sister who is supposed th be her carer should deal with it.

Original poster
Inlawproblem · 30/09/2024 15:55

Wanttobefree2 · 30/09/2024 15:52

So your husband has 3 other siblings but you’re doing all the looking after to give their parents a break. That doesn’t sound OK to me :-(

Exactly.
Before sister moved back in we would take her because the parents did actually need the break but now the other sister is there claiming to be a career I don't see why nearly every 6 weeks we are still taking her.
I've no problem a night here or there but it's anything between 1-3 weeks at a time

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
ooopsinamechangedagain · 30/09/2024 15:56

Have you spoken to your DH about it and maybe ask him to have a word with his sister? Does your DH do most other things whilst she's there apart from washing her?

candlewhickgreen · 30/09/2024 15:56

Tell DH to take time off and look after her. I'm not sure why you're even involved or get him to pay for carers to take care of her needs.

Renamed · 30/09/2024 15:58

No. It’s not your problem that social services support isn’t in place. It’s not right for you to be told that you have to do this. It’s not right that no one else is helping.

Not allowing social services support is unfair to your SIL.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2024 15:58

It's a sad situation, and I feel really sorry for MiL, who clearly does need a break. But if you don't want to do it, then DH will need to make alternative arrangements if he's not going to do it himself. You may well need to decamp to your own parents if you are not going to be the default option.
Things are going to have to change anyway - MiL getting older etc, is there even a plan for when she gets too frail to carry on?

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 30/09/2024 15:59

What's your h doing in all of this?

chisanunian · 30/09/2024 15:59

Give your DH an ultimatum. Either she doesn't come to stay, or you move out and he looks after her. With the help of carers if necessary.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 30/09/2024 16:00

Go stay with your dps.. Remind sil she is a carer or fraudulently claiming benefits..

Perplexed20 · 30/09/2024 16:00

This is unsustainable apart from anything else.
What's the long term plan for when you're PIL are unable to look after her or when they die?

user1471538283 · 30/09/2024 16:00

No you do not do this again. She's their sister not yours. They can either get the other sister to step up or get respite via social services.

What's the plan for when they can't do it at all?

LadyDanburysHat · 30/09/2024 16:02

I think you absolutely should just move to your parents for a week. Something has to give.

It's all well and good MIL not wanting outside help, but when it comes down to it she can't cope and you are the one that is being dumped on, nobody else.

SeulementUneFois · 30/09/2024 16:04

Go to your parents anyway, as he / they may promise she won't come and then drop her on your doorstep anyway.

You need to stop this now, as otherwise it looks like you're being set up to take on her care longer term when PIL get too old for it.

ButterAsADip · 30/09/2024 16:07

Jesus you’re a saint!!! I would only be doing this if my DH has like died or something and had no other siblings and I was the only option.

frozendaisy · 30/09/2024 16:07

Go to your parents this time.
Almost guaranteed if DH has to do it solo it won't happen again

Scutterbug · 30/09/2024 16:07

No I don’t think you should do this. I think you need to push your pil into the position that they have to ask for social services support. Then they may be able to set up respite.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 30/09/2024 16:08

Sorry to be blunt but they are an absolute bunch of piss takers assuming you will clean up adult shit... Fucking grim unless you volunteered to do this.

mumtotwo11 · 30/09/2024 16:11

Scutterbug · 30/09/2024 16:07

No I don’t think you should do this. I think you need to push your pil into the position that they have to ask for social services support. Then they may be able to set up respite.

This

And if Sil is claiming carers allowance and not actually doing it, that's wrong too

(Ps is sil able to claim carers working 15 hours? Does that not take her over the thread hold for CA?)

chisanunian · 30/09/2024 16:12

You need to stop this now, as otherwise it looks like you're being set up to take on her care longer term when PIL get too old for it.

This 100%. It wouldn't surprise me at all if this isn't MIL's plan for the future. Your DH's other siblings have already washed their hands of it and will be only too glad for this job to be foisted onto you whether you like it or not.

averythinline · 30/09/2024 16:12

Pack your bags and move out... nothing will change if you don't..

Theunamedcat · 30/09/2024 16:15

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2024 15:58

It's a sad situation, and I feel really sorry for MiL, who clearly does need a break. But if you don't want to do it, then DH will need to make alternative arrangements if he's not going to do it himself. You may well need to decamp to your own parents if you are not going to be the default option.
Things are going to have to change anyway - MiL getting older etc, is there even a plan for when she gets too frail to carry on?

Pretty sure they are picking their replacement now

DreamHolidays · 30/09/2024 16:16

Tbh Im incensed that you are doing it all.

Ok it’s better if a woman (you…) cleans/shower your SIL. But all the rest? The feeding, cleaning clothes etc etc… Why the fuck is your dh not doing that?!?

I suspect that if he had to do all of that, he wouldn’t be so keen to say Yes.

As they say you have a DH problem there. He needs to start saying NO to his parents and sister,
And he needs to start talking about the future and what’s going to happen as his Karen’s are getting older, less and less able to care fir your SIL (incl when they will be gone).
Its always easy to bury your head in the sand when you’re not the ones bearing the brunt of the problem.

TiramisuThief · 30/09/2024 16:20

No, you need to say no now and continue to say no because when PIL are too frail it will be assumed that you will take over.

Stop being 'nice', it does no one any favours. There's three siblings who are all more obliged to do care than you. It's time they stepped up.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/09/2024 16:20

I'm all for helping family including ILs but this is taking it too far. This is really unfair.

  1. MIL is unreasonable to not accept help available to her. I think she needs an ultimatum here, if she wants support and breaks she needs to claim what she can. She is being unfair on everyone especially her disabled daughter.

  2. Dh is out of order leaving it to you. I can see how it happens if he works longer hours or you are SAHM but he needs to work on getting time off if he is to be a substitute carer.

  3. SIL is defrauding benefits. This is wrong on every level. If her parents need the break at home she should be coming too to your place as full time carer. I'm sure that's not ideal either but at least it would be honest. I'd be threatening to report her, it won't go down well but you need to take drastic action.

  4. other siblings are being really selfish about this. They need to set up a rotation system or something. DH needs to be stronger on this. If they refuse there isn't much you can do but dh should do everything in his power to sort this out.

I think you need a serious sit down with DH stating all of the above and then move out anytime sister comes to stay. You can still be a good SIL visiting her or take her on days out or whatever but you are not her carer. I feel really bad for both you and DH here.