Fed up with DH family

[Inlawproblem]

So dh has a special needs sister. She lives with his parents who are early 70's.
Once again I've been told sister is coming to stay with us for a week as his parents need a break. This I don't mind but I do mind the fact that it's just assumed I will mind her. This is September and the 6th time she has stayed.
Mil won't allow social services in to help. So there is no home help even though they are entitled it.
Dh has a sister who has moved back home and "claims" careers benefits and all the trimmings that go with it. She cut down her hours in work to 15 a week on the pretence that she was stepping up to be a career. Not happening at all. Mil is still doing all the main lifting with sil eg washing, feeding.
When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.
I can understand dh and( mil insisting that he doesn't) not wanting to wash her as she is a 40yr old grown woman but I'm done. Not once have I ever got a thank you from any of dh 3 siblings they all just bury their heads in the sand. They don't step up so it doesn't effect them.

My own parents after the last black eye tore strips of my dh and told him it's not on. If his own family are not getting involved I've not to be left doing it. I'm torn between packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week and leaving dh to deal with things or staying and helping because it is bloody hard going and the sad thing is sil doesn't understand.

Particularly by someone to whom she is not related and has no responsibility.

More than one black eye - @Inlawproblem said she has had a black eye “on a few occasions”. It’s actually shocking and disgraceful that her DH would allow that to happen more than once and that she continues to participate!

I have a disabled child myself I have informed my children they are to make sure he is in supported accommodation and visit him often they will NOT sacrifice their lives for the sake of his he will be fine as long as they keep an eye on him

I expected some backlash but I can take it as well.

My son does all the cooking as I have severe arthritis in knees and limited mobility. He also does a lot of the running around things without claiming carers allowance. Fortunately my daughter is not violent, BUT some can be and it is awful.

It is the MIL I feel sorry for. Fortunately my daughter has a care package (2 1/2 hours a day) with a regular team of carers and we have plans in hand for when I pass away. DD needs 24 hours a day care and I step up to do all the personal care. It is the MIL who needs the sympathy.

My son is not married but neither does he hate women. Two of his previous girlfriends have gone on to do nurse training - one with the mentally handicapped - and are still in touch with us. I know where he is coming from. Your SIL has a family who do help (even if she has to claim the benefits as your MIL loses any Carers Allowance after reaching retirement age - as I have).

What upset him was the fact that I have NO family help - they all disappeared when DD was diagnosed, but my late mother had all the other grandchildren to stay overnight and provided the usual grandmother duties but cut mine off. I am not bitter as it is just a fact of life, and we have met some brilliant people some of which are still a part of my 'family' and we have watched their children grow up and cannot wait to join us for Christmas.

It is said that it takes a village to raise a child. It takes an extra special village to raise a disabled child. DD is my child, her brother's sister, but she is happy even though she cannot understand the pressures she puts on us. It is bloody hard work, and relentless, with no breaks or time off, even when I am ill or when her father died from cancer.

Your children will learn that not all children are born normal and some of those who are not need a lot of extra care. Just think. A disabled child can happen to any one of you - even a grandchild - and I hope with all my heart that we have a compassionate enough society to accept this and help without blaming others for what they do or not do. The people who come into my home are brilliant and we have a laugh (and cry a few tears occasionally) and help each other out. I admire them all and have brought much joy and forever will do. One day you might need a 'family of carers' and I hope they will be as brilliant as mine.

My rant over. Please feel free to comment

If you are sorry for the MIL you should agree she should be using respite firstly and preparing for when she is gone. It’s really not her DILs responsibility to offer the support in the first instance.

DH aunt looked after her disasbled SIL for 20 years and it destroyed her health, all whilst her own siblings did nothing/minimal. She was also under pressure not to use respite. The MIL is causing her own issues and then expecting someone else to pick up the pieces.
From what I’ve read is that OP has helped and would helped but other things need to be put in place and others need to step up. She’s not the bad person in this situation.

@Cassandra28 I really do have sympathy for you, but none of that is relevant to OPs situation.

OPs MIL cannot cope without support - and she shouldn't have to. But she's refusing to access the support available to her from trained and qualified staff via social services and instead is trying to force OP to fill that role. That's not OK.

It's also not in SILs best interests to have a carer who is not trained and qualified in how to provide the care she needs. She's already injured OP on more than one occasion. There's also potential for SIL to be injured by people not trained to lift her etc.

Thanks for all the advice.
I have told dh that I can't have sister in the house it's getting to much for me mentally and emotionally. He said he understands but needs to help out.
Told him I get that but it's his choice either he goes to stay with his parents for a week or I'm packing mine and the kids bags and going to my parents. We may or may not be back.
A plan needs to be put in place, my own parents are getting on and his sister does not trump me, my kids or my family so he needs to make a choice.
He thinks I'm bluffing. I've mine and the kids bags packed and if he comes home with her tomorrow I'm gone.

He is the eldest and they have been brought up to believe sister is the priority, they all helped out up until 5/6 yrs ago when the younger ones moved out and had families. Sister is the middle child.
The mother leans on dh a bit to much for support and the fact we live within a 20 minute drive doesn't help.
Mil has spent the last 40 yrs of her life neglecting herself and other family members and I won't do it anymore. I know it sounds harsh but I'm done.

Same here my 14 year old will.need 1: 1 care for the rest of his life ,I have told my oldest son his brother is NOT his responsibility, when I'm.not longer here ,he has his own life, i don't doubt he will visit because he does love him but thats the same
for most siblings

@Inlawproblem best wishes and good luck. I think you are doing the best for all concerned. Professional help and a future plan is needed. MIL is trying to protect SIL and although her actions come from a place of kindness it is actually deeply selfish for everyone. Including SIL who will need care in the future and will face an abrupt transition when MIL is infirm or dies.

@Inlawproblem best wishes!
Please don't be emotionally blackmailed into staying. (Prepare yourself that your DH will really try that, maybe make promises etc.)

@Inlawproblem well done. Stay strong and keep us posted! Best wishes.

OP what would DH do if you do leave? Will he do the personal care himself?

Please stay strong. I think you have put a really good plan in place for you and your own children. At the end of the day it is better to give your DH the ultimatum now rather than face years of caring and resentment for someone who should be taken care of by her OWN family. Well done and I hope DH wakes up to this reality now.

Make sure you do leave if he comes back with her - stick to your guns - an ultimatum loses all power if you don't follow it through.

Yeah, stick to your guns.

We have a similar situation and my DM is leaving "all the shit" for me to deal with...and she is considerably older...

It's going to need sorting at some point, especially as Pil needs increase or they pass away.

Good luck @Inlawproblem
i hope your dh will have realised you’re not bluffing!

Good for you op. You need to put you and the dc first. Even if dh won't...

I really wish you good luck, and I hope your DH does realise how serious you are. He needs a serious wake up call, along with the rest of his family. But he needs it most in relation to his marriage/family with you.

He was surprised when he seen the bags when he got home from work yesterday. He knows I'm serious.
He must have spoken to the mother as she texted me this morning (she NEVER phones or texts me) to ask if I can help out this one time. I told her no I can't, my health comes first as like her I need to protect and look after MY kids.
If they need help I will help by looking into home help for them and arranging that but my home is no longer available.

It's sad it needs to reach crisis point but nothing will change without it doing so.

Good for you for putting yourself and your kids first. Your DH should be ashamed of himself and so should his parents for a) allowing SIL to sponge off the government for doing sweet FA and b) refusing to accept qualified paid care in favour of YOUR precious time, energy and health - without even having the grace to bloody ASK YOU IN PERSON. Talk about taking you for granted.

Cheeky mare. Good on you for standing up for yourself and your kids.

Well done OP! On the one hand I feel for the MIL but I have NO idea why adults won’t let Social Services in.
Maybe because the sister who is claiming benefits isn’t doing what she says she is.
Having been a carer, twice, they do go over what caring is being done with a fine tooth comb.
You are married into a dysfunctional family system which is NOT your problem. You have your own parents to consider as well as your children.
Sadly, I find caring is still seen to be women’s work. And it’s not on.
You are being taken for granted and it’s CF at the highest level.
MIL must have been desperate to message you but that’s the issue - she has only reached out because it’s reaching crisis point. What would happen if you needed an operation and were off your feet, or one of your parents was ill? You are not a resource centre.
I bet your DH has crapped his pants because the well oiled machine is breaking down.
Stick to your guns.
As a carer I felt desperate at times and relatives did help, but there is no way I’d have had a SIL shoulder this burden at this level.
As a family they need a meeting, a SS assessment, and a plan, which does not involve you.
If you walked out tomorrow they would have to get on with it. If you need to, vote with your feet for a week.

Well done for standing your ground.
Maybe they will realise they need outside help .
It obviously can't go on like this.
Your dh can't be cleaning her /bathroom help. It's not fair on her . She deserves some dignity.
And your sil obviously has not realised its a full time job essentially.
It's nice they wanted to look after her as a family . But as everyone gets older that's just not practical

Mil has no need to ring ss when she can guilt her ds and dil. Maybe now she will opt to do better by her own dd... You have done sil a favour by standing firm op. Proper help is needed and she may get it now.