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Original poster

Fed up with DH family

163 replies

Inlawproblem · 30/09/2024 15:48

So dh has a special needs sister. She lives with his parents who are early 70's.
Once again I've been told sister is coming to stay with us for a week as his parents need a break. This I don't mind but I do mind the fact that it's just assumed I will mind her. This is September and the 6th time she has stayed.
Mil won't allow social services in to help. So there is no home help even though they are entitled it.
Dh has a sister who has moved back home and "claims" careers benefits and all the trimmings that go with it. She cut down her hours in work to 15 a week on the pretence that she was stepping up to be a career. Not happening at all. Mil is still doing all the main lifting with sil eg washing, feeding.
When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.
I can understand dh and( mil insisting that he doesn't) not wanting to wash her as she is a 40yr old grown woman but I'm done. Not once have I ever got a thank you from any of dh 3 siblings they all just bury their heads in the sand. They don't step up so it doesn't effect them.

My own parents after the last black eye tore strips of my dh and told him it's not on. If his own family are not getting involved I've not to be left doing it. I'm torn between packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week and leaving dh to deal with things or staying and helping because it is bloody hard going and the sad thing is sil doesn't understand.

OP posts:
stanleypops66 · 30/09/2024 16:20

I wouldn't agree to have her to stay without a care package in place for personal care. Maybe that would incentivise the family to get external help.

murasaki · 30/09/2024 16:21

I'd definitely be staying with my parents, otherwise this will continue and probably get worse. You need to draw your line in the sand.

GirlMumGabby · 30/09/2024 16:25

I would also be packing a bag and staying with parents. This is so unfair and I agree with others that if you don't put your foot down now, then it will be assumed you are fine to start caring for her with PIL are too old. Which to be honest is probably going to happen soon. My parents are in their 70s and I could no way see them being capable of caring for me if I was in the same situation.

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Purposefullyporous · 30/09/2024 16:29

You are 100% not unreasonable to just go and stay at your parents when she comes. They are a complete bunch of pisstakers. Not the sister obviously as it's not her fault.
You need to say no. They are going to try and make you feel like a bad person. But as you see from this thread it's unanimous that you are not and they are massively taking advantage of your kindness.
It's lovely if you want to sometimes help out.. this is not that. This is the role of a carer and why the fuck should you do this for free, regularly for weeks at a time?? Absolutely nuts.
Start putting your foot down.
And I'm really angry with your DH for allowing this. If he wants ti care for his sister he needs to actually be the one doing that not just assuming his wife will. Disgusting exploitation of you.

Mrsredlipstick · 30/09/2024 16:30

I found out in my third year of full time caring that my dad was entitled to eight weeks respite care. He had to pay a bit towards it but it saved me. Your DH siblings are shockingly manipulative. You are not their servant. Your mother in law is also being ridiculous. They wouldn't have to pay for your SIL to live in assisted living (please never think about moving her in, it will leave you a shell). You are being used OP
The local GP should have a care coordinator at the surgery. They put things in place.

Velvetandgold · 30/09/2024 16:31

When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.

Nope nope nope. Someone is claiming carer's allowance for this woman, that person needs to be doing the caring. IDGAF whether PIL want SS involved, they need to be and it needs to be told that the "carer" isn't one. They're making ridiculous decisions at your expense. It's totally taking the piss. Definitely go back to your parents for the week and if DH isn't happy about it I'd honestly divorce him. He thinks he owns you and can lend you out, like a hoover or washing machine, for your parents to borrow to make their lives easier. Fuck that shit.

tolerable · 30/09/2024 16:32

First,you are absolutely wonderful for ever having done this at all.
Am afraid,they are now taken. Kindness for daftness.
The bucket stops at dh. It really shouldn't be framed as you refuse to do. He needs to step up.
It probably won't go down well, it sunderstandable mil in need of respite.
Maybe Offer for her come stay for a few days,leave the carer running the show.?
Maybe find info on what assess by ss involves.theres ever chance the parents will have a outdated perception of possible outcomes from utilise available help.?

HelloCheekyCat · 30/09/2024 16:32

packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week

Do it then maybe the fAmily will take.notice and realise that the situation isn't sustainable.
If your DH won't advocate for you do it yourself

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 30/09/2024 16:36

say no now. Because if you don’t, when they die she will come and live with you.
this is not on you. PiL need to see that they need to put in place alternatives.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2024 16:40

Wow!!! Absolutely move in with your parents for the week. This is an absolute no brainer.

You seem to be letting your husband off the hook here for some unknown reason, but he is equally as culpable as her other family members who are putting it on you.

The carer sibling who is getting paid for it should be doing the bulk.

Next comes parents and other siblings (and that includes your husband).

You shouldn't feature here. (If you had a sister with special needs would your husband be doing the amount of caring for her that you do for his?)

13Ghosts · 30/09/2024 16:40

Report SIL claiming carers allowance for fraud. Report the entire situation to Adult social services. She needs actual carers.

Go stay with your parents and refuse to be a mug any more. You've gone above and beyond your duty already. Husband can care for her for 1 to 3 weeks if he wants to but alone, his useless fraud of a sister can come wash and clean disabled sister every day.

bitsalty · 30/09/2024 16:41

Your husband has to say no or he does it all himself.

He can't volunteer for both of you. If he won't stand up to his parents and say no then he has to provide the care. I'd move out when she comes if he won't do this.

Peachy2005 · 30/09/2024 16:42

Pack your bag and begone, each and every time - your H’s family need to sort out the arrangements amongst themselves: there are plenty of them.

Royalshyness · 30/09/2024 16:46

Just go op … when that week comes .. off to air bob or off to your parents

Royalshyness · 30/09/2024 16:47

Not the poor lady’s fault or you dear mother I’m law either - but it’s not you who should take the wrap for this situation

godmum56 · 30/09/2024 16:47

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/09/2024 16:20

I'm all for helping family including ILs but this is taking it too far. This is really unfair.

  1. MIL is unreasonable to not accept help available to her. I think she needs an ultimatum here, if she wants support and breaks she needs to claim what she can. She is being unfair on everyone especially her disabled daughter.

  2. Dh is out of order leaving it to you. I can see how it happens if he works longer hours or you are SAHM but he needs to work on getting time off if he is to be a substitute carer.

  3. SIL is defrauding benefits. This is wrong on every level. If her parents need the break at home she should be coming too to your place as full time carer. I'm sure that's not ideal either but at least it would be honest. I'd be threatening to report her, it won't go down well but you need to take drastic action.

  4. other siblings are being really selfish about this. They need to set up a rotation system or something. DH needs to be stronger on this. If they refuse there isn't much you can do but dh should do everything in his power to sort this out.

I think you need a serious sit down with DH stating all of the above and then move out anytime sister comes to stay. You can still be a good SIL visiting her or take her on days out or whatever but you are not her carer. I feel really bad for both you and DH here.

This. All of this. Your husband cannot commit you to such an arduous and thankless task without your wholehearted freely given agreement. Its up to him then to go back to his family ands sort out the shitstorm. I say this as someone who has been a carer and also worked in the NHS and seen what families expect people to do. Worst one was 3 brothers who decided that their sister should leave her (professionally qualified, well paid and good at it) job to take care of their father who had a stroke, sell her flat and move home and they would pay her an allowance. For whatever reason, you are being used and it should stop now.

Iloveacurry · 30/09/2024 16:49

What will happen to your SIL when MIL dies? Has there been any discussion about that? Sound like the so-called career SIL won’t be doing anything.

stopringingme · 30/09/2024 16:51

@Inlawproblem

Go to your parents and leave him to it , it is the only way that you will get a response, and he will get a realisation of what you have done for his sister.

He may then push for carers to assist his parents.

He needs to listen to you and protect you.

Tiswa · 30/09/2024 16:52

For everyone sake you need to step back now - this isn’t sustainable and uou cannot take this on - plans need to be made for the future when yiur ILa are incapable and the family needs a wake up call.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 30/09/2024 16:52

Unless you take a stand and go away that week, your husband will not see the need to insist on changes.

menopausalmare · 30/09/2024 16:53

Book yourself in to a Premier Inn that week and your husband can do the care work. Next time he might think twice before volunteering your time.

goodboystepup · 30/09/2024 16:53

Absolutely not.

Tell DH and MIL that you will be staying with your family/in a hotel for the duration of the visit. You absolutely cannot be forced against your will to be a personal carer.

harrumphh · 30/09/2024 16:54

I would not help at all, I agree with going away every time, I think you should also make it very, very clear that if DH wants to help you will not be around for any of it now or in future and keep reiterating endlessly they need to accept the outside help provided before you get stuck with it all as they try to persuade you to do it one more time or after they pass.

ColdinSeptember · 30/09/2024 16:55

DH had a disabled auntie. Her siblings/mother believed she would be put in a mental institution if she didn’t live with one of them. This was blatantly untrue but they wouldn’t hear otherwise.

So she lived with her elderly mother and ruined her health until she dropped dead. She then lived with one brother, his wife doing all the work.
Social services did step in when the aunt doing the care went into hospital - disabled aunt LOVED respite. Her sisters sat and complained about what a disgrace it was.
Brother/wife then die and sisters try to dump her on anyone they can think of, including us (hundreds of miles away working with small children) rather than themselves. She went into full time care and it was the best decision ever, she was happy and engaged and cared for and she had fun!

social services isn’t always bad, you need to push back as you are being set up as the full time carer for her otherwise. Yes I would move out and tell them they need to sort this if they want you involved. Not using the support that’s there is ridiculous.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2024 17:04

What are the plans for when your in-laws can't cope/aren't around any more?