Fed up with DH family

[Inlawproblem]

So dh has a special needs sister. She lives with his parents who are early 70's.
Once again I've been told sister is coming to stay with us for a week as his parents need a break. This I don't mind but I do mind the fact that it's just assumed I will mind her. This is September and the 6th time she has stayed.
Mil won't allow social services in to help. So there is no home help even though they are entitled it.
Dh has a sister who has moved back home and "claims" careers benefits and all the trimmings that go with it. She cut down her hours in work to 15 a week on the pretence that she was stepping up to be a career. Not happening at all. Mil is still doing all the main lifting with sil eg washing, feeding.
When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.
I can understand dh and( mil insisting that he doesn't) not wanting to wash her as she is a 40yr old grown woman but I'm done. Not once have I ever got a thank you from any of dh 3 siblings they all just bury their heads in the sand. They don't step up so it doesn't effect them.

My own parents after the last black eye tore strips of my dh and told him it's not on. If his own family are not getting involved I've not to be left doing it. I'm torn between packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week and leaving dh to deal with things or staying and helping because it is bloody hard going and the sad thing is sil doesn't understand.

So it didn't go well last night.
Pil are "disappointed that none of their children will help out and how that's not how they were brought up to disown their sister". Basically a guilt trip. All siblings were there and they have all said sister needs special care but they have their own families that they need to look after.
Dh asked could sister come at the weekend for a night or 2 and I said yeah sure but me and the kids won't be here. I said when home help is sorted she came come during the day but she has to go home that evening once or twice a month no more staying over.
Sister that is doing "carers" told the siblings that mil needs more and more help for herself, fil is struggling as well so she has been doing more and more for them and yes agrees sister has not been getting the right care but mil doesn't want them to know and has been trying to cover up for her. Mil has has a few dizzy spells, fell getting out of the bath and has numbness in her fingers and arms.
Dh is getting into the go to have a chat with him and see what help is available.

Thanks for all the advice and support.
Caring for others is a thankless calling and I hope everyone who has been in this situation is looking after themselves and realize theres no shame asking for help. X

You're not disowning her. You're just not personally doing her personal care.

There's nothing stopping your DH of his siblings doing it. Nothing to do with you.

So a person I work with has a Downs Syndrome sister & she was also kept at home & the father wouldn't hear of her going anywhere else.
Recently the father died &, as they were living in a council house, the sister had to move into assisted living accommodation, as the council wanted the house back. She couldn't cope by herself but also didn't want to live with her brothers or sisters.

SS arranged for her to move into a shared house (4 bedrooms with full time carers who look after them, organise trips & day centres for the residents) but did say the move would have been easier if her parents had been alive to help her move and acclimatise - As it is she's adjusted really well & is out and about with her carers living her best life !

What kind of home is it the siblings think she'll be going to because I'm pretty sure there's none of them left in the country, it's all carers now.

Sadly it sounds like the PIL's, whilst thinking they're doing their best for her, are holding her back from having a lovely life.

Great advice!

This. Your SIL has a carer and it’s the other SIL. Not you. Definitely don’t keep doing this.

I think a lot of elderly people think their disabled dependant child will be put into a 'workhouse'. It's not like that anymore however it was in the 50/60s. That's when a 70+ PIL will be thinking back too.
Lots of thought is put into activities and dignity. I would research on Mr Google and see what kind of accommodation is available locally.

I completely agree with @Cherrysoup - well done for saying no, you have done so much for so long and it's time for everyone to accept that more help is needed. Everyone sounds exhausted.

Pil are "disappointed that none of their children will help out and how that's not how they were brought up to disown their sister". Basically a guilt trip. All siblings were there and they have all said sister needs special care but they have their own families that they need to look after.

But she's not your sister, OP. OK, so I get she's your DH's sister, but any care he offers to give seems to be provided by you. So its 'care by proxy' in reality.

Dh asked could sister come at the weekend for a night or 2 and I said yeah sure but me and the kids won't be here. I said when home help is sorted she came come during the day but she has to go home that evening once or twice a month no more staying over.

Stay strong OP. You also have your own family to look after. If DH wants to care for his sister, that's fine, but you will be elsewhere.

Felt so sad for you reading your update, OP.
I think certain people feel there is a real shame about asking for help and now the PIL now require assistance they are loading the guilt on to everyone else in order to cover up what is going on.
You having the sister here and there is no plan.
Nobody is disowning the sister who needs care. In fact, by not getting in proper help her parents are neglecting her, if that makes sense.
I know you are not the biggest fan of the sister who lives in, but she must be living in a nightmare scenario.
PIL are only going to get older and need more care themselves. It’s time for a proper assessment to see what’s going on, what’s available and have a structured plan in place rather than you and DH having to step in.
It is actually about the real welfare about the sister who needs care, and not just two caring but very stubborn PIL.

My mum worked in disabled children’s respite in the early 1980s. I can’t imagine when it was that people with DS were sent to mental asylums, but this perception endures.

Absolutely PIL should be preparing their DD to be living somewhere else, it can be a difficult adjustment.

I have a friend whose aunt asked him to take on her disabled son when she died. She said she just wouldn’t understand that him and his wife worked full time with children, it was never an option. Instead they agreed to have him placed somewhere close to his house and he now pops up a few times a week, they walk his dog etc. he said he’s very content and occupied.

When my late FIL began to decline with dementia, my SIL’s “solution” was to share the poor chap around the family, everyone taking a week each. Had this actually happened (he became a lot worse very suddenly and had to go into a care home) I would have moved out for the duration of his stays because I just don’t have the skills or facilities to care for such a patient. Not everything can be dealt with in the family.

And not only that @Inlawproblem - her personal care including washing and bathing needs to be done by professional carers who are properly trained and have the right equipment to do the job, so that it is done with dignity.

There is nothing dignified about having your SIL wipe your bum or your brother haul you out of the bath.

Maybe PILs need to go and have a look round a care home so they can see it is not the workhouse they think it is?

You don't need to be a professional carer or have equipment to assist someone e with personal care unless they need assistance with moving and handling

Dignity can be promoted and provided by anyone , closed blinds, doors and towels can be sufficient , unpaid carers do a good job of this a lot of the time . If the service user or carer doesn't feel comfortable providing the care then that is a different matter, some people prefer family, others don't