Fed up with DH family

[Inlawproblem]

So dh has a special needs sister. She lives with his parents who are early 70's.
Once again I've been told sister is coming to stay with us for a week as his parents need a break. This I don't mind but I do mind the fact that it's just assumed I will mind her. This is September and the 6th time she has stayed.
Mil won't allow social services in to help. So there is no home help even though they are entitled it.
Dh has a sister who has moved back home and "claims" careers benefits and all the trimmings that go with it. She cut down her hours in work to 15 a week on the pretence that she was stepping up to be a career. Not happening at all. Mil is still doing all the main lifting with sil eg washing, feeding.
When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.
I can understand dh and( mil insisting that he doesn't) not wanting to wash her as she is a 40yr old grown woman but I'm done. Not once have I ever got a thank you from any of dh 3 siblings they all just bury their heads in the sand. They don't step up so it doesn't effect them.

My own parents after the last black eye tore strips of my dh and told him it's not on. If his own family are not getting involved I've not to be left doing it. I'm torn between packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week and leaving dh to deal with things or staying and helping because it is bloody hard going and the sad thing is sil doesn't understand.

Well done OP.

MIL has options but she chooses to not to use them. It’s not her call nor your “D”H’s. You only have responsibilities towards your kids.

Look I totally agree. Mil is desperate, she is not able for it anymore and I do feel sorry for her but at the same time me or my dh are not trained to be carers. They need help.
I know for a fact mil is afraid if she asked for help sister will be taken off them. That was drummed into her by her own mother.
When sister was younger it was a night here and there. Which was manageable. She was able to do a lot for herself but as she got older mil was doing more and more basically babying her and sister stopped doing stuff for herself. Over the last 7/8 yrs Mil has been struggling more she is just exhausted.
I did tell mil she is welcome to come stay with us if she needs a break and sil can actually step up more. I got no reply.

I did post up thread and I think you have to stick to your guns.
My close friend has a brother with downs and he has been in supported care all of his adult life. He has a very full social life. He also worked at sainsburys for years.

I didn't find out about respite until the last year of my father's life. My three siblings would have happily left me to do everything. I wfh and had school runs so I had time didn't I? The three and a half years of care ruined my health and cost me my life savings as I couldn't work at all in the last year. I was on duty from 5am to 11pm.
When my lovely father died the relatives came knocking. He must have had money blah blah as he lived with you. They wanted his pension and life insurance.
I always tell my friends seven years on never take a dependant relative into your home because social services won't help you. Carers will schedule you as the last call (breakfast will be 11am) and it will leave you a shell. Your inlaws may think they've done a sterling job but that was their choice in very different times.
Your dependant SIL needs trained help not someone with school age children who will suffer also. Believe me my DD was badly effected. I took my eye off the ball there with serious consequences.

Good for you, @Inlawproblem . That's a brilliant display of assertiveness.

I am so sorry to read what you have been through Mrs. Red.
How appalling about the relatives turning up looking for money - sadly it seems to be the rule now, rather than the exception.
I hope the OP listens to your informed words and takes note.
I hope your health improves and I understand it can take years to recover from when you’ve had this experience as a carer.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo oh thank you. I do actually have a huge burst of anxiety when I hear of others being forced into a carers role. It's a trauma response.
Care is out there and it's well hidden of course due to limited funds but an dependent adult has their own care budget nowt to do with the elderly parents.
I'm going into a home when it's needed. I would never do to my children what was done to me. I'll play the piano and sing.

Who’s to say SIL wouldn’t be happier if she WAS taken to an appropriate group home with GOOD care? If MIL isn’t up to it and SIL is doing fuck all, then I can’t imagine that the care she is getting at home is fabulous anyway.

I agree.
I would be more than happy to go into residential care.
And I’ve been to many I know they aren’t perfect.
Have seen too many friends breaking their backs caring with no thought to their own welfare.

So basically, even though it was your dh, her son, who was supposed to help, she knows very well that you were the one who did all the work.
She knows that you’ve looked after someone who isn’t your sister (unlike your dh) for years out of sheer good will.

And yet, she never thought of saying a huge thank you to you?!?

DHs family were very against his Aunt going into ‘institutional care’ as they still thought it would be a Victorian mental hospital.
It was literally the best thing that ever happened to her, it’s sad she wasn’t sent there years before. The last part of her life was very happy, there were trips and social activities, her speech and abilities came on. Her life at home was very dull and restricted.

I know someone who plans on taking on her sister when her parents die. Her sister needs 24 hour care, her parents are trapped at home and go nowhere. It’s a stupid plan. She has 3 children of her own and she will end up abandoning them as she will be trapped at home. Sometimes you just have to prioritise yourself and your own children, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Well done OP.
Keep sticking to your guns.
There's still a risk that they'll have an "extinction burst" - really try to push you / emotionally blackmail you in some unexpected or forceful way.

Well done op, that can't have been easy, you will help, but in a different way (as you said).

Just tell your husband you are not prepared to do it now she has a carer at home, other than for 1 or 2 nights occasionally. Maximum 7 nights per annum. Tell him if she comes for a week you will be leaving him to it as it's too much for you.

Well done @Inlawproblem that must have been a really difficult thing to do. 💐

Your update is so very sad that your SIL used to do more for herself and now doesn't. I hope this is the wake up call they need and SIL gets the support and help she deserves. Many, many people with Down's Syndrome have happy, social full lives and it sounds like she could be one of them if she's given the chance.

Your husband needs to look into what can be offered locally and have that conversation with his parents. He clearly feels it is his duty to care for his family, he knows he has your support to get help and hopefully now realises he has taken advantage and put you in harms way.

So dh came home ALONE.

I got a phone call from another sil(married into the family) and she said they were asked to take her 2 weeks ago and she said no, they don't have the room, work and with kids in the house they wouldn't have the time to care for her.
She said she was glad I said no I should have stopped especially after the first black eye.

It is hard as I've known her 27 yrs and genuinely do care about her but my limits have been pushed.
Dh is going around to parents tonight to discuss what's going to happen going forward.

That sounds positive. Especially the SiL reaching out, I suppose she didn't want to rock her own boat previously and maybe thought you were ok with it for some reason or you would have stopped.

I'd just hope he doesn't come back from the parents with her tonight, but it does sound as if he had a wake up call.

I think OP you sometimes have to get to crisis point and then something will get done. A 70+ year old caring for a middle aged adult is not acceptable to anyone.
Don't forget the local doctors surgery will have a carers person. They step in and talk to social services.
As others have said if your mil can't cope she needs to step back and put services in place. She doesn't need to pay either. That's the LA trying to guilt trip people. Your in laws have saved the council a fortune, time to say over to them.
It's hard not to feel that people will think you selfish but it genuinely nearly killed me. I did both my parents care and I have a SEN DD too. I'm not remotely Miss Nursey but I'm good at problem solving. A busy person looks capable.
Good luck to you x

This. I'm glad there has been a positive step

I’m thrilled for you that you’ve forced the discussion and been the catalyst for change. I think having someone violent round the dc is plain unsafe. If she wasn’t violent, I’d say yes, give mil a break (a relative with birth injuries frequently spent time staying with his siblings throughout my childhood and this was very much appreciated by his parents).

Finding a long term solution is essential to prepare mil for the future and to seek more appropriate respite care. Bloody good on you, op!

For everyone's sake , especially the daughters, sw need to be involved

There are services that can really help such as homecare and daycare and it sounds as if respite would be a god send

They are also entitled to a carers assessment

I hope everything works out for you all

Dh is going around to parents tonight to discuss what's going to happen going forward.

Oh to be a fly on the wall during that conversation!

You have done absolutely the right thing at the right time, and have now forced the issue. I reckon they thought all along that it would be you who would be the one to take on the SIL's care and all of a sudden you've pulled the rug out from under them. They are in complete shock.

When it comes to caring for an adult dependent. a crisis point is sometimes where you have to get to in order for people to accept that things can't be the way they want them to be. Relatives cannot be forced into devoting their life to caring.

Cassandra!

Make sure any woman your son intends to marry knows what she's in for. I expect anyone he tries to date and coerce into marriage will run like hell.

Cassandra!

Make sure any woman your son intends to marry knows what she's in for. I expect anyone he tries to date and coerce into marriage will run like hell.

Very good advice!

Good news op, hopefully his mum will agree to some outside help.

Also I’ve been thinking if SIL was a BIL instead in this situation, I bet any money it would still be the women in the family doing the personal care. Including the op.

The best thing that can happen to her to move to a place where she will enjoy various activities, mix with her peers and learn to be independent.

I am speaking from experience.