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Original poster

Fed up with DH family

163 replies

Inlawproblem · 30/09/2024 15:48

So dh has a special needs sister. She lives with his parents who are early 70's.
Once again I've been told sister is coming to stay with us for a week as his parents need a break. This I don't mind but I do mind the fact that it's just assumed I will mind her. This is September and the 6th time she has stayed.
Mil won't allow social services in to help. So there is no home help even though they are entitled it.
Dh has a sister who has moved back home and "claims" careers benefits and all the trimmings that go with it. She cut down her hours in work to 15 a week on the pretence that she was stepping up to be a career. Not happening at all. Mil is still doing all the main lifting with sil eg washing, feeding.
When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.
I can understand dh and( mil insisting that he doesn't) not wanting to wash her as she is a 40yr old grown woman but I'm done. Not once have I ever got a thank you from any of dh 3 siblings they all just bury their heads in the sand. They don't step up so it doesn't effect them.

My own parents after the last black eye tore strips of my dh and told him it's not on. If his own family are not getting involved I've not to be left doing it. I'm torn between packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week and leaving dh to deal with things or staying and helping because it is bloody hard going and the sad thing is sil doesn't understand.

OP posts:
StarShapedWindow · 30/09/2024 17:04

I bet if you went to stay with your parents DH wouldn’t end up looking after DSIL because your MIL wouldn’t put the burden of looking after her on him alone.

Even though it’s really hard I’d just stop being available to look after her. We all have our own limits.

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/09/2024 17:05

The sister who is supposedly doing the care and getting paid for it needs to actually do what she is being paid for!

Velvetandgold · 30/09/2024 17:08

OP you need to be prepared that this is the start of divorce, so get your ducks in a row regarding paperwork.
.
I wouldn't put it past DH, on finding out you have gone to your parents for a week, to simply delay disabled SILs visit until the week after when you're back.
.
The reality is, whenever you return, his family may try to force you into being a carer again. Your DH may even become abusive towards you in an attempt to force you to do what he wants.
.
Not one person in that family is treating you with an ounce of respect, they're used to doing this and used to you tolerating it. They feel entitled to use you as carer and they won't like it when you withdraw your services. They don't see you as a human being with autonomy, so they won't understand or believe that you have the right to withdraw your services as carer. Any of them, including DH, may react extremely badly to realising they can't control you any more.
.
You are at risk of harm, both psychological and physical, don't be afraid to contact police if necessary, either for yourself if you're being abused or to report SIL as abandoned if they try to dump her on you. Contact Women's Aid if your DH starts sulking, being manipulative, picking arguments etc with you or pushing you around, shouting, throwing or hitting things, because this is domestic abuse and you shouldn't tolerate it. The reality is, you may not ever be able to return home.
.
Hopefully it won't be as bad as all that but it best to be prepared for all eventualities.

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Families
Nastyaa · 30/09/2024 17:11

Why have you continued to allow yourself to be put upon time after time? You need to set clear boundaries & start saying NO.

It sounds absolutely fucking horrendous to be honest, do you have children OP?

I would also report the sister claiming carers.

Ellie56 · 30/09/2024 17:12

@Inlawproblem

You need to deal with this now because I can promise you, you are being set up to be default carer once MIL becomes too old to do it, or pops her clogs.

Tell DH you're not doing it. The SIL who's getting CA can do it or they can get Social Services in.

Then go to your parents for as long as it takes for the penny to drop.

And if SIL is not actually doing any caring I would dob her in. When disabled people up and down the country are losing their benefits, through no fault of their own, she is taking the piss.

Nastyaa · 30/09/2024 17:14

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2024 17:04

What are the plans for when your in-laws can't cope/aren't around any more?

Oh fuck, yeah you might want to start divorce proceedings...knowing your luck she will end up moving in with you. You don't want that to happen.

Lampzade · 30/09/2024 17:20

Op, as others have said, you are a saint.
I would regard myself as a decent family oriented person and I would not be doing this.
I actually think that your in-laws and your dh are taking the piss . You are definitely being primed to take over
Agree with other posters. Next time she comes go to your parents home and leave dh to it. I can bet that your dh will insist on outside help in the future

mildlydispeptic · 30/09/2024 17:23

Bloody hell, this is grim, OP. Agree with pp saying 1) stay with parents and 2) don't set any kind of precedent that makes them think this care role will fall to you in any way when your parents in law are gone.

Witchbitch20 · 30/09/2024 17:26

I would tell my husband that I’m not doing the caring and that he needs to make other arrangements. I wouldn’t mention going away at this point.

If the day arrives that SIL is brought to your home because he’s ignored your request, then I would pack a bag and book a hotel/stay with my parents.

As someone else mentioned if you tell him your plans in advance his plans will change, so just go when you’re wishes have been ignored/they continue to take advantage.

He also needs to have a conversation with his parents to ask what the plan is longer term for his sister, as she will not be living with you full time at any point.

I think there’s something quite cruel about not letting anybody help with SIL; and getting her used to carers or the potential huge change of residential car in the future.

Good luck OP. You sound like you’ve more than done your stint.

InSpainTheRain · 30/09/2024 17:31

You are absolutely not being unreasonable OP! As PP have said you should go and stay with your parents when she is with you; your DP can look after her with an appropriate care package in place. You can get services that come to the house (yes that costs, but that isn't your problem either).

I had something very similar with my own mum where she expected me to bath her on a daily basis, clean her regularly, cook all meals to her specifications, do all the laundry (1 set of bedding a day at least). I work full time, I was trying to commute into the city, I have a DH and 2 DC too, and I could not cope plus I just was not able to do the personal care. I just felt so awful about it. Whilst I was finding mum a place in a home (which is admitted she loved better than living at our home!!) I hired a carer who came in. The care team were actually far better at it than me, were marvellous, and it was so much better. Stick to you guns - you do not have to do this. Additionally - and please remember this - the main reason MIL and SIL are struggling is because they won't accept outside help, they'd rather put it all on you.

LovelyDaaling · 30/09/2024 17:39

Tell your husband straight that you are staying with your parents and it's not negotiable. MIL will have to swallow her objections to having carers if the sisters and your DH won't do what they expect you to do. The absolute cheek of it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 30/09/2024 17:42

@Inlawproblem who is dictating that your sil comes to yours for a break?? MIL or hubby??? I would most certainly say not ever again! I refused to take my MIL into my house! there is respite care available and they should use it. your hubby should be caring about you and you actually have enough on your plate with your children. your hubby's siblings also need to pull their weight too! what would happen if you actually worked full time? who would look after her then??

Mischance · 30/09/2024 17:44

There is a carer (in the form of a daughter) in the house. Why does she not step up? Why does your OH not tell her to? Especially as she is claiming carer benefits.

HideousKinky · 30/09/2024 17:47

You must take a stand now OP.

It is clear from the unwillingness of any siblings to be involved hands-on that you are being groomed to replace MIL as the main carer as she gets older & less able to fulfil this responsibility herself

Jux · 30/09/2024 17:49

To qualify for carers' allowance your sil should be providing 35 hours of care. Is she? It doesn't look like it. Suggest that she do 2 or 3 days at your place - just ask her which days she's going to be doing her caring so dh can make arrangements at his work. Of course you won't be there, as you'll be at your parents'.

JohnTheRevelator · 30/09/2024 17:51

Absolute piss take in my opinion.

SometimesCalmPerson · 30/09/2024 17:55

It was kind of you to help your family when they needed it by caring for your SIL, but now that she has a carer in her sister, I wouldn’t expect to do this more than once a year, for a week maximum.

KopyKatz · 30/09/2024 17:55

You need to stop this now otherwise you're just enabling his parents to take advantage now.. unless you put in a boundary that she either has proper carers, SIL does the caring or she goes to respite then they'll carry on.

Sunplanner · 30/09/2024 17:59

DreamHolidays · 30/09/2024 16:16

Tbh Im incensed that you are doing it all.

Ok it’s better if a woman (you…) cleans/shower your SIL. But all the rest? The feeding, cleaning clothes etc etc… Why the fuck is your dh not doing that?!?

I suspect that if he had to do all of that, he wouldn’t be so keen to say Yes.

As they say you have a DH problem there. He needs to start saying NO to his parents and sister,
And he needs to start talking about the future and what’s going to happen as his Karen’s are getting older, less and less able to care fir your SIL (incl when they will be gone).
Its always easy to bury your head in the sand when you’re not the ones bearing the brunt of the problem.

Not to derail the thread, but@DreamHolidays, please stop the derogatory use of a perfectly nice normal name. Doing this detracts enormously from the points you are trying to make.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/09/2024 18:33

If his parents need a break, I would suggest that they come and visit, not send his sister. That way, the sister who is being paid to be her carer can step up and earn her money.

That would be my final offer. If it were not accepted then yes - I would visit my own parents for that week.

cookiebee · 30/09/2024 18:44

Velvetandgold · 30/09/2024 16:31

When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.

Nope nope nope. Someone is claiming carer's allowance for this woman, that person needs to be doing the caring. IDGAF whether PIL want SS involved, they need to be and it needs to be told that the "carer" isn't one. They're making ridiculous decisions at your expense. It's totally taking the piss. Definitely go back to your parents for the week and if DH isn't happy about it I'd honestly divorce him. He thinks he owns you and can lend you out, like a hoover or washing machine, for your parents to borrow to make their lives easier. Fuck that shit.

Edited

Apologies for just quoting you pp, but this is exactly what I think also, perfectly put here in this paragraph, just wanted to add my support as well OP, you are being taken for a bloody mug, mostly by the man who is meant to love you, listen to you and have your back when he sees you struggling

Peachy2005 · 30/09/2024 18:55

Sunplanner · 30/09/2024 17:59

Not to derail the thread, but@DreamHolidays, please stop the derogatory use of a perfectly nice normal name. Doing this detracts enormously from the points you are trying to make.

Show quote history

Pretty sure that was autocorrected for “parents”: doesn’t make sense otherwise 👍

Cassandra28 · 30/09/2024 18:58

My son says he is disgusted with the lot of you. I have an adult daughter who is severely mentally and physically disabled and needs 24 hour care. I have no family, apart from my son, to help and get some limited help with her. He does not do personal care and says he would not consider being around anyone who would be so callous to refuse to help out to give me a break (I don't get breaks full stop - even when my husband died - I was told to just get on with it).

MIL deserves a break. How would you feel if you were in her position? To my son his sister is his family even is she does have her moments.

Original poster
Inlawproblem · 30/09/2024 19:00

Velvetandgold · 30/09/2024 17:08

OP you need to be prepared that this is the start of divorce, so get your ducks in a row regarding paperwork.
.
I wouldn't put it past DH, on finding out you have gone to your parents for a week, to simply delay disabled SILs visit until the week after when you're back.
.
The reality is, whenever you return, his family may try to force you into being a carer again. Your DH may even become abusive towards you in an attempt to force you to do what he wants.
.
Not one person in that family is treating you with an ounce of respect, they're used to doing this and used to you tolerating it. They feel entitled to use you as carer and they won't like it when you withdraw your services. They don't see you as a human being with autonomy, so they won't understand or believe that you have the right to withdraw your services as carer. Any of them, including DH, may react extremely badly to realising they can't control you any more.
.
You are at risk of harm, both psychological and physical, don't be afraid to contact police if necessary, either for yourself if you're being abused or to report SIL as abandoned if they try to dump her on you. Contact Women's Aid if your DH starts sulking, being manipulative, picking arguments etc with you or pushing you around, shouting, throwing or hitting things, because this is domestic abuse and you shouldn't tolerate it. The reality is, you may not ever be able to return home.
.
Hopefully it won't be as bad as all that but it best to be prepared for all eventualities.

Wow 😲 🤯

OP posts:
LoobyDoop2 · 30/09/2024 19:03

Cassandra28 · 30/09/2024 18:58

My son says he is disgusted with the lot of you. I have an adult daughter who is severely mentally and physically disabled and needs 24 hour care. I have no family, apart from my son, to help and get some limited help with her. He does not do personal care and says he would not consider being around anyone who would be so callous to refuse to help out to give me a break (I don't get breaks full stop - even when my husband died - I was told to just get on with it).

MIL deserves a break. How would you feel if you were in her position? To my son his sister is his family even is she does have her moments.

Shouldn’t he save his disgust for the blood relative claiming benefits as a carer and not doing any of the caring, rather than the daughter in law who is being taken advantage by everyone including her husband? Or should we just sit back in awe that A Man Has Spoken?