Fed up with DH family

[Inlawproblem]

So dh has a special needs sister. She lives with his parents who are early 70's.
Once again I've been told sister is coming to stay with us for a week as his parents need a break. This I don't mind but I do mind the fact that it's just assumed I will mind her. This is September and the 6th time she has stayed.
Mil won't allow social services in to help. So there is no home help even though they are entitled it.
Dh has a sister who has moved back home and "claims" careers benefits and all the trimmings that go with it. She cut down her hours in work to 15 a week on the pretence that she was stepping up to be a career. Not happening at all. Mil is still doing all the main lifting with sil eg washing, feeding.
When she comes to stay with us I end up washing/showering/bathing, spoon feeding, changing soiled pants, dealing with tantrums and have been given a black eye on a few occasions.
I can understand dh and( mil insisting that he doesn't) not wanting to wash her as she is a 40yr old grown woman but I'm done. Not once have I ever got a thank you from any of dh 3 siblings they all just bury their heads in the sand. They don't step up so it doesn't effect them.

My own parents after the last black eye tore strips of my dh and told him it's not on. If his own family are not getting involved I've not to be left doing it. I'm torn between packing a bag and moving back in with my parents for a week and leaving dh to deal with things or staying and helping because it is bloody hard going and the sad thing is sil doesn't understand.

The post is full of typos. I think it's an autocorrect fail. It's obviously meant to say "parents".
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I agree with your sentiment though, don't know why the trend started but feel sorry for all those named Karen. Must be awful for your actual name to be turned into a derogatory slur.
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@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld it doesn't matter what MIL says, it's her DH who is agreeing to lend out his "wife-appliance" for caring duties. MIL problems aren't actually a problem if your DH has your back.
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@WhereYouLeftIt if the PIL come to stay the family needs reporting to police/SS because unless the carer-SIL has taken a week off work or some such arrangements with another person, the disabled SIL will be being left unattended for over 15-20hrs a week while carer-SIL is at work/commuting and disabled SIL sounds like she needs 24/7 care.

But there is perfectly good help available and the OP is just asking the paid carer to step up and care.
Mil could have a break without sending sil to OP.
The pp’s on here are pointing out that she should encourage mil to get ss involved as it will help.
why aren’t you pushing for breaks?

@Boobygravy but if your son refuses to do personal care for your daughter, you must also see that it is not ok for you to assume that his girlfriend / wife will do this for 1 week in every 6.

@Cassandra28 its not OPs responsibility to provide respite, it’s the sister who is being paid to and social services.

This posters in-laws can have carers from social services, they can have respite care from social services, most likely if they can't/won't care for their daughter any more she can have residential care, she sounds disabled enough for that. They're in the situation they're in through their own personal choices. They don't get to decide that their daughter in law has to provide 24/7 care for their disabled daughter for 3 weeks in 9 (or any amount of time at all). OP doesn't exist to serve her awful husband's awful family.

The day is coming, probably not long from now, when MIL won’t be able to keep up. Your SIL will need alternative care. Right now, she should be getting used to her new care situation.

oh wait, she is.

that is why they keep sending her to your house. You are the retirement plan. When mil strains her back, breaks a hip, or dies, SIL will appear on your doorstep and never leave.

unless that is how you plan to spend the next 40 years of your life, you need to stop this now. SIL needs to have real carers. Depending on her condition she might even benefit from being around other people and getting more enrichment than just spending the day with family can provide.

you can still help your ILs, but if there is not professional care in the mix, this is a fools errand.

Nobody gives a flying fuck what your toxic misogynistic son thinks Sandra and I pity anyone who dates him never minds marries him!
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But so you know. SS lied to you. They tell everyone to get on with it. You didn't/don't have to and are entitled to NOT be a carer if you don't want to. Or to have respite care if you need it.

Thanks for all the replies.
Yes my dh helps the only thing he does not like doing but will do when necessary is bathing his sister which I understand. When sister is at home with his parents he goes in twice a week just to help take her out of the bath. He does visit other times. When she stays with us he works 4 12 hr shifts to make up his hours so he can have 6 days off to help.
Pil are off the generation that kids with downs were put into homes and the fought to keep her with them hence why they are scared of letting social services in.
I have spoke with DH about what happens when pil can't mind sister and he says parents don't want her to go into a home but the siblings have agreed this will be the best option.
Sil moved into parents home after a messy divorce. She was left with no money and no home. So the siblings all thought it was a good idea she moved in because she could help out. I don't think she realized how hard it would be. Yes I totally agree she shouldn't be claiming carers for sister. She is helping care for the parents which she is better at. Shopping, cleaning, cooking and medical appointments.

Dh knows under no circumstances will sister be moving in with us but at the moment he wants to help his parents out which I understand.

@Velvetandgold I totally agree with you. it is definitely a dh problem! OP needs to put her foot down and just say NO!

@Inlawproblem they still need to stop
using you as the default alternative. DH can move to MIL’s for a week and help his DS.

Totally agree.
6 times since January. Split that between 3 other siblings and it wouldn't be so bad.
I think the last time she was here

No way. Sister claims to be career. She does the job.

If your PIL aren't happy they need to find another arrangement with daughter not rely on you.

It's not not fair on you but also his sister should have an adult social worker and outside help.
For her dignity and safety. She sounds like she needs a lot of help day to day .
Why wont they accept help?
If they don't get it in place then when they are desperate for it with no other options it will take a while to set up .

The minute you got a black eye, that should have been the end of the arrangement. Your own family are telling you not to let yourself be abused: believe them if you won’t believe us.

Respectfully, you are not qualified to provide this care and you cannot do it safely, as has been proven.

You sound lovely, your H sounds like a good person (in your last post at least) but he is also putting you in a situation where you have come to physical harm and that is unacceptable. Ultimately, you and he are not responsible for the care decisions your ILs have made for your SIL - and if their arrangements are now not working for them anymore, they need to make new arrangements with professionals. Your DH’s siblings are also not doing their share or putting themselves in the position that you are being put in, and it’s not good enough.

The longer you facilitate this, the longer it will be before they have to face reality and put new arrangements in place. Has anyone ever considered that it might be less stressful for SIL to transition to having professional carers/moving to a residential setting while ILs are still alive and able to assist with the transition/visit daily than to be packed off all of a sudden at a future point where one or both parents have passed away - since that seems to be what your DH and siblings are intending? Don’t be surprised if you get a guilt trip at that future point…it’s depressing that you can’t see what your own family see about this whole set-up.

😂😂😂😂😂

So you think OP should be forced to provide care against her own wishes?

What do you expect to happen to your DD should you not be able to care for her? Do you think your DS should then sacrifice his own life for her?

Are you caring for your children too OP during these 4 x 12 hour shifts your husband works or trying to work from home yourself?
Your line in the sand should have been the black eye. Listen to your parents.

And your son's wife? What does she think?

Is nobody addressing with the sil that this is actually more her role than yours??
Sadly I think you need to be honest with your dh and his family, this cannot go on. Maybe you could offer 2 days of support on the week suggested, but say the rest of them need to fill the gaps in the rota for rest of the week? You're not saying you won't help but it sounds like you're being taken advantage of and it needs to change.
It's really not on.

There needs to be a future plan where SIL will be cared for. The sooner this happens the better as she can adjust and PIL oversee it.

Can you pretend to be ill and go off to your parents. DH would have to face the reality and it may shake some sense in.

OP I’m sure you know that none of this is your responsibility and that you should quite simply move out for the week.

Realistically the parents should be paying for a weeks stay at a private professional care facility for SIL.

I wouldn't be doing personal care for anyone to whom I wasn't biologically related, or DP. And I'd rather pay to get it outsourced. You don't have to do this.

No, sorry, that’s not on. She’s not your relative (even if she were, you’d have no obligation to be a carer).
I’d refuse.

The question is what are you going to do about it?

The fact you had a black eye is neither here nor there as you know she can’t really help it

It totally is here or there as she shouldn't be assaulted regardless of whether it was intentional , especially in her own home.