I really hate my life. It is honestly the most pathetic existence.

[ihatemylife8]

I'm 30. I have no friends. No partner and never had a partner. I've never so much as hugged a man let alone anything more. My job stresses me out and I seem to burn out in jobs every 6 months or so and then leave. I constantly have hives because I'm stressed, and I don't even know why I'm stressed half the time. I live with my parents still and can't afford to rent even a studio. My Mum is literally my only friend. On weekends where she is busy with her own life I just sit at home as I have no one else to do things with.

I really don't know why it's all gone wrong. I was 'normal' as a child and teen but have had a complete failure to launch. I have tried therapy and CBT and they were a waste of time and made me feel worse.

Hi Op.
Have you discussed with your Gp why you may have hives.
If you feel you could try volunteering, do you have a interest or passion you could get into doing this.
I wouldnt be to keen to suggest onlibe dating unless you are prepared to filter through the players & users seriously lead with caution.
Why are you leaving your job on a regular basis, this must be as you begin to settle you run, is it a toxic industry?
Small steps, even go for a walk, visit a library.
I would be uncreasing my social life before I would be moving as that is some sort of stability lving at home i guess.

You’re not a failure, you just haven’t found your tribe yet. You’re still so young and there are so many ways you can improve your life. Travel is one, can you save up and take a year off to see the world? Do some voluntary work? Join some groups - running, cycling, climbing, caving, sailing for example. Write a list of what you want in life then create an action plan to achieve it all.

Don't have time to read in full now, but think I share some similarities to you OP, however I do have a partner and kids and used to have a very busy social life in my teens and early 20s, but have fallen into being a hermit and struggling with work too due to confidence and stress.

I will post something better later, but one thing I do is make sure I exercise and walk in nature as well. I try to just really enjoy solitary activities to the full. There is no shame in enjoying your own company at all and I have come to prefer it that way, but I do get lonely as well.

I'll be back later with some (hopefully) useful advice.

You are absolutely not a failure. This is more common than you think.

Not to armchair diagnose but you may also be neurodivergent. I have ADHD and have always found 'normal' life and milestones challenging.

I've seen people race ahead of me in life and wonder HOW they do it and also WHY. Like everyone got this map of life that I'm not even sure I want to follow.

Firstly try to be grateful for what you do have. Your mum, a great home. These are great security blankets that not everyone has.

Two, get regular exercise. This will help your brain feel less defeated. And make sure you eat well and hydrate too.

Three, book one thing you've never done before and go.

Youre only 30 and have loads of life to go yet. The main thing is getting out of your own way. You can do this!

Tell me more about these freinds you have made whilst volunteering. Because God knows I've tried.

I hope the OP comes back.

I made friends helping at my child's school- helping with reading in lessons.
My kids are older now but the school still takes volunteers.

Lots of people have suggested volunteering and while I think it's a great thing to do and you meet new people, the OP sounds like she is completely stressed out and volunteering at this point will only add to the stress.

OP, I think you should start by looking at your job because that seems to be the major problem here. What is your job? Can you change careers to something that is less stressful? Why do you keep burning out? What is it exactly that stresses you out? Are you the sort of person who goes above and beyond what is actually expected of you? Or is it that the job is at the limit of your capabilities and you're constantly struggling to achieve the results you need because it's a little bit above your level? (I don't mean it in a nasty way but sometimes people are promoted to a role a bit too soon in their career and it causes stress because they don't quite have the experience for it)

Ask yourself some questions about the job first. Talk to the GP about this constant stress.

I agree about the job.

Work is the key to this- work she enjoys, work with prospects to earn and be independent, work that makes her feel valued.

I'd also like to know what kind of teen she was- why no boyfriends, even very casual ones? Did she have friends at school?

I hate the immediate assumptions she's got ADHD etc or autism. Too easy to label people who are not sociable or find being sociable hard.

My job stresses me out and I seem to burn out in jobs every 6 months or so and then leave. I constantly have hives because I'm stressed, and I don't even know why I'm stressed half the time. I live with my parents still and can't afford to rent even a studio. My Mum is literally my only friend. On weekends where she is busy with her own life I just sit at home as I have no one else to do things with.

I could have wrote this before I knew I was autistic. Couldn't pin point the stress, everything seemed harder for me than everyone else even though I was a "gifted and talented student", unable to get out of minimum wage jobs because I was always too burnt out to even consider bettering my employability. Can't afford to move out. Didn't have time for friends or partners because of my insistence on sameness and routine that I didn't even consider disabling until my assessment which highlighted just how restrictive my weekly routines were for not allowing space or time to develop other relationships, not that I saw the value in them anyway because I had my family anyway. When my family weren't here to support me or be with me, I couldn't face the transitions to even contemplate going and doing something spontaneous that meant I would be putting myself out there, or if I did I only tried it once or twice as I found the thought of commitment too exhausting and overwhelming. My family were happy to indulge me in things I found interesting as a way to connect with me like take me to the garden centre for lunch and to shop around, but we mostly do the same things in a weekly rotation.

CBT never worked because a lot of things that stressed me out or caused distress were things in my environment I couldn't control and the responses I was having were physiological responses that were in line with my neurotype to those stressors.

I genuinely didn't even know noises overlapping was a big trigger for me, until I gave myself permission to wear earplugs. The same for lights, and then the same for advocating for people to solidify plans with me so I didn't have to worry about changes or transitions I'd not planned for, and so on...

When I consistently learned it was ok to advocate for my needs that's when the stress started to reduce.

During my diagnostic process I was also told that I probably have cPTSD and a lot of my reactions were because I was in a permanent state of stress. Every day I experience things that put stress on my system and the next day I have to do it all over again, and again, and again. This made sense to me, about why my threshold for tolerance seemed to be very low compared to others.

I am absolutely not armchair diagnosing you OP, and I just want to make that very clear.

I am just sharing an experience similar to yours in case it resonates with you and you consider this a possibility that you would want to explore further.

There are so many reasons for chronic stress, and your reason may not be the same as my reason. I understand I have a personal bias and it might read that way.

Irrespective of all of this I think everyone should have sensory aids to hand because they're useful to try when you can't identify the source of your stress. They just might help.

I also got advice from a therapist that did help which was to start a hobby that used both my hands and my eyes, like crocheting. I do a lot of thinking and processing when I'm crocheting and the eye movement helps to process things, similar to EMDR therapy, and the hand movement gives vestibular and proprioceptive feedback that is soothing.

I can now take my crochet with me out of the house as a transitional object and it gives me something to do that doesn't involve other people but does draw other people in for social interaction which passively builds self confidence over time.

Transitional objects are also something you could try if you wanted to step out of your comfort zone and try new things without your mum.

It is really isn’t hard to make friends as an adult. I have made good friends throughout my life but you do need to get out and meet people. There are some good suggestions by PPs. OP, go and do something, anything, until you find what you enjoy doing the people you feel comfortable with.

I can answer your question with regards to my own small, friendly Methodist Church. Obviously we are a bunch of light weights, but I don't think I've ever heard anyone discussing their level of commitment/belief after the service. Conversation tends to be more on the lines of 'nice to see you/ how's the extension/ job search/ that last hymn was awful etc etc. We would just be pleased to see you!

I'm a total atheist but I'd love to join a service where this was the norm. I personally lack the skills to reach out and I wouldn't know where to start. I think I'd feel like an imposter.

Here are my ideas. Ignore them if you think they're silly!

Go to Sainsbury's (best for this in my nearest town) and look on the noticeboard for local volunteering opportunities.

I don't know what your interests are but find a voluntary job that fits some of those. Marshal at Park Run. Marshal at local car racing! National Trust etc.

Find something really local that occurs weekly - pub quiz? Keep going to it.

If I had no ties, I would do a Work Away. There are hundreds of different offers, plenty in UK or abroad. It's a good website.

I have only the friends I made at school. I do volunteer but if I don't go, literally no one contacts me. One place where I volunteered for 2 years, I haven't been for 2 months and have heard nothing.

So I also don't know how to make new friends! But I learn skills and chat to people and try not to think about it.

Honestly, I would save up as much as you can, as fast as you can, and go off travelling. If you've already got money in the bank, just go now. If you go to places like Thailand/India you can live for ages cheaply. Stay in really cheap places with shared facilities, you'll meet loads of young solo travellers. The whole experience my give you more confidence to improve your lot when you get home.

Be brave OP and take drastic action.

Try Sunday Assembly.
It's a sort of athiest church.

Sunday Assembly

No advice really but I'm in a very similar position. Very, very difficult to make friends as an adult and especially difficult when you've got a massive gap in your social skills for whatever reason and you're different to most people. So much small talk is about family, social events, work, and all that. I focus on myself, doing things that I enjoy, these days. I found that hoping that maybe I'd connect with somebody and trying to fit in and then being disappointed worse than solely focusing on the activity/class/whatever and accepting being the person who's just there, existing next to the group rather than being part of it.

It sounds like you are missing any sort of goals or social aspect of life - simply existing isn't enough. I recently found myself feeling the same, although I do tend to stay in jobs for long periods, I was missing excitement and self confidence, so I signed up to take part in a UWCB charity boxing match! I was so nervous at the thought of doing something outside of my comfort zone an meeting new people, but it was actually an amazing experience, meeting like minded people who wanted a challenge in life. I got 8 weeks free training, so I got fit in the meantime leading up to the event, and felt incredible when it came to fight night :) I didn't win - it was a draw in the end, but my self confidence improved soooo much. And I've stayed in contact with some of the girls I met! You definitely need to make changes somewhere, nothing changes unless you make changes! Good luck xx

I can relate to your post partly. I like it before hubby and kids though. We actually met onlone via a mental health site. I suffer social anxiety/depression and waiting to get assessed for adhd aswell, at the grand age of 43. I do have a couple of different friends I meet up with sometimes though. It sounds like you definitely have something going on with you and it may be worth discussing your issues with a doctor.

I find various things difficult that most others don't and although I have pushed myself so far, I think its too late for some things really. I have to accept some things but still continue to improve hopefully.

This is a really good point. ND or not, many people struggle socially if they are just more quiet and reserved or anxious. And while lots of the suggestions here sound great and would be no problem at all for some to dive into, it's okay if they are overwhelming to you. And absolutely from the safety aspect, especially if you are not used to interacting with different people and understanding social cues, there are sadly those who will portray themselves as "friendly" on the surface while having other intentions.

OP does your line of work or do any of your interests lend themselves to something that could be turned into a self employed venture? I set up a business working with animals thinking I wanted to avoid people, and ironically ended up seeing and chatting to so many people day in day out, whether that was the clients/families or people in the local area, and it was really nice. After several years I relocated and miss the animals so much, but also the people! I'm still in contact with some. Though being self employed has its challenges it gives you a lot of control and flexibility, and may suit you better than a typical working environment. Plus it can really build your confidence.

As others have said, find things you enjoy doing alone and embrace being in your own company. There's a lot to figure out in life, including the size of your social tank, and it can keep changing. You might decide 1-2 hours is plenty of time to spend with others in one go, or you may realise you like spending all day with people, but it's a lot of pressure to expect that from yourself and others all the time, so try to find ways to be happy in your own space and build on it from there. Chatting online could be much more comfortable for you right now and there have been great suggestions of places to start. In the meantime, you are welcome to PM if you just fancy talking to someone new.

You’re probably too busy to respond - but did you go to university, @ihatemylife8? Or do any other sort of training for your job?

Setting aside the friends issue, the period of preparation for the adult world is where people usually discover how they want to begin to live their lives. You don’t mention anything like this - your narrative jumps from ‘normal teen’ to ‘stressed employee’ without the fun bit in the middle. And it’s not clear if your work requires particular qualifications or is ‘just’ a job.

If you did miss that period it’s not at all too late to do it now. And new or fresh qualifications would improve your career prospects.

Sorry to hear that, I have kids around your age.
I think that there are things that you can get into depending on interests that you may have.

What about trying out a local Parkrun or a running club or a couch to 5k?
Are there any meetups in a topic that you have an interest in?
Are there social activities associated with your work?
Can you check your local Facebook page for activities?
And, as others have said, would there be any areas that you could volunteer in?

If you hate the job/career that you're in, could you go back to uni/college and retrain? It would also be a chance to meet some friends or likeminded people. You're also in a good position to do this financially, seeing as you live with your parents.

Make small changes, if you can get out and walk, see if there is a local walking group, who will take beginners.
See if there are any local volunteering sites, just one night out a week will make a difference.
Get your Mum to come to the first one, if you’re nervous.
Google is your friend, have a look and see what you can join. Good luck x