I really hate my life. It is honestly the most pathetic existence.

[ihatemylife8]

I'm 30. I have no friends. No partner and never had a partner. I've never so much as hugged a man let alone anything more. My job stresses me out and I seem to burn out in jobs every 6 months or so and then leave. I constantly have hives because I'm stressed, and I don't even know why I'm stressed half the time. I live with my parents still and can't afford to rent even a studio. My Mum is literally my only friend. On weekends where she is busy with her own life I just sit at home as I have no one else to do things with.

I really don't know why it's all gone wrong. I was 'normal' as a child and teen but have had a complete failure to launch. I have tried therapy and CBT and they were a waste of time and made me feel worse.

Honestly, in my experience, most churches are like this, absolutely no declaration of life long commitment required! And full of nice people. Please don't feel like an imposter. Lots of people go to church for all sorts of reasons, and that's the way it should be. I would really encourage you to give it a go - you can always hide at the back/leave/only go once!

Question for those who say you can attend church if not a believer: when everyone's talking afterwards, how do you say you don't believe? It would feel like a lie not to say it, but also seems odd/rude just to.announce it?

I agree with this. I went to church when I was 'seeking' but just never believed. Although the people at the Church were lovely, its not great being amongst people who believe the same, when you do not. You need to join groups where you have something in common that you can bond over. No one would suggest joining a football team to make friends if you don't like football. So people really should stop suggesting church as a great option for non-believers..

I suppose you are doin gno harm attending a Church as a non believer. I did it for years. Then after a break, I returned. I couldn't hack all the "We are the chosen ones" stuff.

I noticed from your post you are quite passive. The 'I don't know why, I've had failure to launch' reads like you're talking about someone else. But it's you!

You will know why, if you are honest with yourself. You will know why you decided at each step to stay put rather than spread your wings. It sounds like your mum may sadly have enabled you, letting you remain 'at home' so late means little incentive to keep going with jobs you don't enjoy, find something better etc, much easier to just leave when you're not paying rent or a mortgage.

I would make moving out your very first goal. A house share is fine. Plenty of people your age live in them. Through this you might start making connections and even friends. Find local groups, hobbies, talks, to attend and get chatting to people. Sign up to do a free course on Future Learn.

Building a life worth living does take time and effort. But it's worth it.

Happy to pick this up.

I've volunteered in a handful of organisations, mostly drug/alcohol rehab type stuff, helplines, animal shelters, dog walking.

I've not met a friend in every place I've been, but I have made four extremely dear friends ranging from being a lifelong best friend to a really close friend, still see them all regularly even though I don't volunteer anymore.

The key is to volunteer doing stuff you love and believe in, not just to make friends, as making friends takes time and you can't go into it with that being your sole aim.

Why not get a one way ticket to anywhere? Go abroad to teach English? Just do anything to shake things up

No one should diagnose over the internet but there are many undiagnosed autistic women out there who are struggling so I don’t understand why the mere suggestion of ASD is unhelpful? My dd has ASD and her diagnosis has been nothing but a positive experience as she no longer blames herself for the challenges that she faces and it has helped her develop strategies to overcome them.

Op, I would strongly suggest getting assessed, particularly if you have sensory issues.

Other than that, I broadly agree with op that you can’t bring about change without seeking change out!

Whether that is through a diagnosis, or through doing something radical like deciding to live and work abroad where is cheaper, teaching English, that is up to you to decide.

And if you do something radical and scary, be prepared for it to be very uncomfortable and utterly miserable at times. But remember that the avoidance of comfort is usually very good for us as people (within reason). Often, the very worst experiences, happen contemporaneously with the very best! Any woman who has gone through birth will tell you that for free 😀

Good luck. Reading your op, you are obviously intelligent, you write well, you have good insight in to your situation. As someone who is old enough to be your mother, I think you now need to stop thinking so much and focus on action. Trust me, everyone has struggles even though they pretend to be the most put together person ever, so please don’t feel alone . You can do it. Please try and trust yourself just a little bit more. 💐

Antidepressants - they will give you some breathing space.

A bit of a different suggestion/something to add alongside the great ideas so far.

Try looking on Pinterest for some self care ideas/autumn bucket list type things. You could print one out or copy one/get some ideas and make a pretty list of things you’d like to do over autumn - I’ve found one and attached a picture with the kinds of things I mean. Little tiny things, like going to a coffee shop and ordering a nice autumn drink, making soup, going for a look round the charity shops hunting for a new autumn jumper. I find ideas like this a lot less intimidating then going and joining a group or taking a “big step” though they can be good too.

But little things like this can help you to practice some self care, and give you ideas. So if your mum is busy at the weekend and you’re sat at home you may look and decide to go out get some things to make an autumn craft (again Pinterest etc good for ideas here). You could go an buy the bits, come home, light a candle and make it. Just romanticising your life a bit, and making small things an event. I find a list really helps me because I struggle to think of ideas of things to do. This is also helpful if you don’t really know what you like/enjoy in life. Maybe have a look, find a list like this you like and challenge yourself to do as many of them as you can.

You may realise you hate baking, but you really enjoy lighting a candle and reading a book with a candle. It’s okay not to have big social hobbies, or a huge group of friends. I think start with working out who you are, and what you like and enjoy.

it could also be good to make a list separately of things that bring you joy/make you feel good. These can be tiny little things again - drinking coffee in bed first thing in the morning at the weekend, a hot bath with a bath bomb and candles, doing a jigsaw puzzle, cooking dinner for you and your parents. Write down anything you can think of and try to do one thing a day that brings you joy. At the weekends pick something from your autumn bucket list/self care list and go for it. I used to not see the point of wondering around the shops by myself, but I don’t feel funny about it if I’m out with a purpose - buying a new jumper/picking an autumn candle/getting supplies for a craft or cooking/baking. You can make these little things an “event” and elevate the everyday in tiny ways - maybe you buy a nice autumn mug and drink your coffee out of that everyday, maybe you buy a candle you like in TK maxx and burn it in the evening when you’re watching TV with your parents. Maybe you make a craft and it turns out a bit rubbish but you hang it up in the house/in your room and just be proud of your little effort.

I was very very lonely and sad about 6 years ago. I had awful self esteem and felt like there was nothing good in my life, and I was all alone. My life has changed beyond recognition. I have a partner, two beautiful children, a home of my own. I have one very good friend. I don’t have a huge gaggle of friends, and don’t do a super social hobby because it’s not very me. But I’ve realised I really really enjoy these little things. I’m a homebody, but by choice. I go out and do things, but it’s all these tiny little rituals that make me happy and string together to make a life. I spent a lot of time waiting for the big milestones, or waiting for things to happen to me to make things better. I realised nothing would change unless I did, and so I started doing tiny things to make me feel happy. I realised who I was and what I enjoy, and am so at peace with myself now.

Things can get better and there are so many people out there. The world is a big place and there is someone for everyone - both for friendships and partnerships. It helped me to realise I didn’t have to meet 100 friends - I had to find one person I clicked with, and I had a friend. You don’t have to meet 100 perfect partners - just one person who clicks. You may be different, but there are different people out there too who may be looking for someone like you.

I would address work as the main issue here. That takes up a great deal of your time and energy, and when it's wrong, it can affect the rest of your life. Why are you burning out and changing jobs? As pp says, this is worrying and suggests your profession is not a good fit for you. I have made a lot of friends through work but always had a decent workplace so enjoyed work too. I would focus on this and changing career if possible.

In the meantime, I don't think I'd suggest any big commitments like volunteering, but just some local park run / weekly craft / sports groups etc doing something you enjoy. You may develop friendships going regularly, but even if not, you will have a healthy routine, a focus, and it'll boost your confidence - and give you something to talk about when you do meet new people.

Good post, @Tryingtoread.
I know the OP says she hates her life, but I don't think it's pathetic.
Totally different circumstances here, obviously.
Couple of little tweaks I would do, not many though 😊

30 is still young, but you need to make changes now.

You don’t sound happy in your job, so I’d think about re-training

You need to join clubs to make friends. Join a gym or exercise class, online dating

Really sorry you feel so bad. I find it hard to make friends but enjoy corresponding with people by email. That way people seem to like me more. Would that be helpful for you? If you then met one of them, having already broken the ice through emails, you might find you get on well in person. If you never meet in person, then you would still have your online friends. What forums to try? How about doing an Ancestry DNA test? You'll uncover second and third cousins you never knew you had and to start with you have something to talk about ie how you're related. Many won't reply but some might, and you don't need many. Or join a forum for an interest that you have. Above all, don't start thinking there's something wrong with you. You've just ended up with a bad combination. It only needs one thing to change for things to feel better. There's nothing wrong with living at home. There shouldn't be such a stigma about it. That's peculiar to the UK. Other European countries see it completely differently.

I'm glad I'm not the only person thinking this!

Are you possiblly neurodivergent?

I ask because I am myself. Not saying that my life mirrors yours as it doesn't however, I recognise some part of yours.

Just a question. Especially with yoy saying about the burn out. You may find your people among us nd lot.

30 is still young!
You’ve had some great advice here and I think starting slowly would be good. I would recommend volunteering for something you are interested in - doesn’t have to be a charity shop! - could be food bank, soup kitchen, environment-based. The pressure is off to meet people, but you’ll get something out of it.
Online dating is a minefield, my eldest just got back in to it after splitting up w their gf and you need nerves of steel so I’d leave that for now.

I'd also like to know what kind of teen she was- why no boyfriends, even very casual ones?

Loads of girls didn't have boyfriends at school. It shouldn't be seen as odd. Speaking from my own perspective, it was that the boys I fancied didn't fancy me. I was tall, skinny, ginger, not very confident and a bit awkward. Hardly the kind of girl a hormonal 15 year old boy would fancy. I was by no means the only one.

I also think that while loads of the suggestions here are good ones and are really kind, the OP has got herself into the kind of state where it has become impossible to "try volunteering" or "why don't you go travelling?" She needs to start with baby steps, because the mental effort and confidence needed to do both those things is underestimated. It takes a lot of mental strength to just go off travelling. I think she should try something initially which doesn't require a huge mental leap or commitment at first - a community choir or something.

My advice would be to find something that interests you. It could be crafts, baking, reading, science, true crime, yoga, spinning, running anything really. Absorb yourself in that for a little while then find either an online or in-person class or group related to that activity.

If you start to find something that you enjoy doing or that interests you then that will give you some focus and you will naturally come across like-minded people that you can hopefully build a connection with.

I don’t disagree with your second point, but I also think that from the mindset the OP clearly has at the moment, volunteering at a food bank or going to a MeetUp group might well feel as impossible as going travelling. Sometimes a complete change of context can shock you out of negative mental patterns. Bluntly, you can only fail to launch if you have a launchpad to fall back onto. The OP, if she needed to pay rent on a houseshare, couldn’t keep quitting jobs after six months, but would have to figure out a way of managing her stress while still supporting herself. Staying at home with her parents and having them to fall back on isn’t doing the OP any favours here.

There’s not a lot I would recommend about my childhood, but when I left home at 18 there was no going back — my younger sisters got my room, anything I didn’t take with me was boxed in the attic, and I slept on the sofa when I came back to visit. I didn’t have the option of failing to launch.

My very anxious, friendless, unlaunched nephew is spending a year studying in Asia as a part of his degree. This is a 22 year old who has never spent a night away from home, who failed to sign up in time for university accommodation every single year, and is driven two hours to campus by a parent every day he has classes, and collected again. Everyone was terribly worried he would crumble even getting to his foreign university, given that he’s barely been on a bus or train solo in the UK. But he’s thriving, and growing massively in confidence because he’s been thrown into a deeply alien place where no one knows him and everyone expects him to get on with things. And he is.

I had a similar-ish experience. When I moved out at nineteen to go to uni, my 'childhood home' was sold and everyone split into places I would never be able to stay at or live at. So once I was out, I was out! I never spent a night 'home' again, it didn't exist. Thankfully I was able to stay in a year-round dorm so I could stay there through Summer hols, Christmas etc. rather than having to vacate.

I knew once graduation came I would need to find a place, so I made sure I was employed and had a flat set up to move to.

Did me the world of good honestly, having to be responsible for myself and not having that double-edged safety net to flee back to. I have seen quite a few people who've 'gone back home' and then struggled to leave.

I would:

• Go to any courses or classes which interest you in your local area.
• Go on Bumble (doesn't have to be for dating - there is a friendship side too).
• Maybe take up a sport if that is your thing.

Good luck OP. I know this feeling well.

I can also relate to your post op. Im not saying you are, but I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life (30s). I always struggled with friendships though never minded doing things alone.
There is lots of good advice on here. I know when I was going through a hard time, joining groups was the last thing I felt like doing until I found places that were gentle and accepting where others who had their own set backs in life also went.

Please be gentle on yourself. You are doing the best you can. 30 is very young, it's never too late to change things and you sound like an amazing and insightful person

It’s not that unusual to not have boyfriends at school. When I was at school all the boys used to pick on me and humiliate me, which has left me with low self esteem and feeling no man would be interested and I must be really ugly.

@ihatemylife8 you ok OP?

Some really good suggestions here, OP
I wish you all the luck in moving to a happier and more satisfying place