End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

I feel they are very early bed times for those ages, my 4 year old is asleep for 7pm.

They are going to bed too early , it's not the 1950's .

What time do they get up ? Their bedtimes seem really early .

That sounds ridiculously early for their ages.

To be kindly blunt, that sounds crazy.

At that age, you chat over dinner/tea, they get themselves ready for bed when they are tired, and read until they fall asleep.

Do they not have activities in the evenings? By 12, both of mine were out until 8.30pm several nights a week at clubs.

My 4 year old goes to bed at 7:30/8

They get up at 6:30 - 7:00

Honestly, I think they are going to bed too early and they don’t need anyone sitting with them. My 6 year old doesn’t even go to bed at 7:30! We’re still eating dinner then. My dd who is 11 goes into her room probably about 8:30 and she can do whatever she wants as long as it’s not disruptive (obviously no phone or other devices), she reads, she might do some drawing or organise something in her room, and then she gets in bed and turns her light out when she’s tired. It may not be until 10pm some nights, but it means we don’t sit with her and there isn’t too much fannying about.

Maybe they aren’t tired? Those are very early bed times for those age kids.
I would say 10pm for the 14 year old and maybe 9-9.30 for the 11 year old.

You are treating your children like babies , when mine were that age they were out at Scouts etc until 8:30 / 9 . An 11 yo doesn’t need putting to bed . At those ages mine were basically doing their own thing and regulating themselves .

Far too early! My 14 year old is up with us until 10ish, then asleep by about 11. 10 year old in room by 8.30, but still awake now.

Im not surprised, its far too early. My 6 year old goes up to bed at 8.30

Most teen activities don't finish until 8:30 if they were doing those.I'd have a 9:00 bedtime for both or 10 for the 14 year old and lights out at 9:30 / 10:30.

Unless they are up for 06:30 swim training or similar you need to revise those times.

Why does your DH think it's too late? Is it because he wants his evening to himself?

It's good that you think sleep is important and want to make sure your girls are well rested. However, those are (to me) crazily early times for their ages. If they are going to bed and lying awake for ages they're probably not tired. Good sleep habits aren't just about having an early night. They need to learn to recognise when they are tired and know they need to get themselves to sleep then. Being unable to fall asleep quickly is awful and forcing them to go to bed so early that they struggle to fall asleep would not be for me. Not sure it's teaching good sleeping habits.

They're going to bed way too early!

Mine are 11(Yr7) and 13(Yr9) so similar ages, they go to bed at 9:45/10pm and 'bedtime' takes 2-3 minutes, up at 7 every day (later at the weekend, but also later to bed) no issue!

Yes that is crazy early.

I have a night owl 9yo and and early bird 11yo. They both have lights off about 9pm. 9yo is often awake for a while after this.

It sounds like your 14 year old is unusual in her need for sleep/early bedtime (does she wake very early? Have any health issues?)

You can't expect them to sleep for 11 hours straight, surely?

My 14yo DS puts his light out at about midnight. He probably doesn't get enough sleep, but that's his lookout.

Blimey OP.

They're 14 and 11, not 4 and 1!

WTAF are you doing going up with an 11yo at 7:30? And 9pm lights out for a 14yo? Unless they both have major health issues, that's absolutely ridiculous. You're treating both as if they are way younger than they are.

I have a 14yo and an 11yo. They have to be up eating breakfast by 7, they leave the house by 7:30 for the school coach, and both do prodigious amounts of sport.

I aim for the 14yo to be in bed reading by 10, lights out by 10:30.

For the 11yo, it's bed by 8:45 (ideally) and lights out by 9.15.

But these times often drift later due to evening activities, homework etc.

Maybe you're mourning the middle childhood years when you snuggled up to read stories and 'put them to bed', but honestly you need to re-set your expectations I think. You're infantilising them both.

Those are insanely early bedtimes, even if they’re getting up at 6.30! My Ds is 13 and goes to bed around 10/10.30!!

Yeah too early by all means start the wind down at 8pm but my 12yr has drifted from 9pm lights out to 10pm now. She takes about 90min to wind down with gem art, then book reading, sometimes some yoga stretches, lays out clothes for the next day bit more reading or a sticker book and settles down.

Just to add to the overwhelming majority, it’s just too early. My 7yo is lights off at 8.30 and the 12yo between 9.30-10.30.

They’re mucking around because they’re not tired, it’s like putting yourself to bed at 8

This seems far too early. I have two DDs of exactly the same ages (though both nearer to 15 and 12). They both have activities that go on till 8.30/9. Bedtime for 11 year old is nearer 10pm and often 11pm for 14 year old. They don't struggle to get up in the morning.

Dd 12 goes up 9pm lights off 10pm and up 6am weekdays
Weekends no set times. But generally falls asleep 10.30.up maybe 8/9am

Kindly 8pm for an 11 year old is quite early. She also doesn't need putting to bed or settling!
Have your quality time down stairs. Then she goes up..by all means pop in a bit later for a goodnight kiss, but I think you need to cut these cords now.
If she interrupts your time with DD14 then you just need to say 'Sorry DD2, this is my time with DD1, please go and sort yourself out.' Or some such.

it seems very early. My ds is 12 and goes to bed at 9.30 ish and gets up at 7. Maybe they can have some input on how much sleep they need especially if they don’t have super early starts?

On hobby evenings ds is out till 9 ish anyway so impossible to get to bed much earlier.