End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

And they will get more enrichment from watching the telly with you and chatting about it than pointlessly trying to sleep far too early!!

Honestly get real!

You must realise this is not normal. Time wise or routine wise. It's a good routine for a 7 year old.

I used to be a secondary school teacher and would be deeply confused by an 11 year old with a 7.30 bedtime

Why is your DC only starting to have an evening at 14?

There are so many things you have been missing out on as a family, even if you don't value TV she could be crafting, family evening walks, board games, reading. One of the nicest things about teens is they can stay up with you. We have watched some fabulous documentaries like the Lucy Worsley ones, or enjoyed a comedy series like Schitts Creek. Watching satirical shows is great for learning a bit about current affairs and the use of language as a tool.

Teens body clocks change and the naturally become more night owls and struggle to get up in the morning that's normal just as when people get much older they become larks going to bed early doesn't change that.

In all honesty it sounds like your DH wants them up and out the way for his evening and you are still doing a bedtime routine like they are toddlers.

This is insanely early. I have a ten year old and a 14 year old and my 14 year old (and all of her friends) don’t go to bed until at least ten. They all just take themselves to bed too, I just pop my head around the door whenever I go to bed and say goodnight and that’s it!
The ten year old goes to bed between 8.30 and 9, we have a chat while she’s in bed then I go downstairs and she just reads herself to sleep or listen to an audio book.
If I tried to put her into bed at 7 she would be wide awake so no wonder your child is up and down!

It's far too early and you really should be letting them go to bed on their own. With all due respect OP, you are babying them into bad habits

your child does not actually go to sleep but appears several times. meaning they're not getting any more sleep than if you just let them go to bed when they are actually ready to sleep.

Part of me also doesn’t want them to spend all evening in front of the TV.

Putting them to bed too soon isn't the solution to that.

At this age surely it's upstairs at a certain time then read/amuse yourselves until sleep? No screens in the room, books, toys and a parent to come at whatever time to say turn the lights off?

Waaay too early bedtime... my almost 3yo doesn't go to bed till 9:30pm... When I was their age I never went to bed before 10pm.

I do get you might want some time to yourselves, I think it would be reasonable to say to the 14 year old up to your room at nine but if you want to read, listen to music etc that's fine. She's relaxing then and will go to sleep when she needs to.
Maybe 8:30 for the eleven year old.
The putting then to bed and sitting with them is a bit odd at their ages. Do things together in the evenings, watch something, play a board game etc but then when it's time for bed off they go

What about weekends ?

You treat them like toddlers so its not surprise they behave like that too.

My son is 15 and i can't remember the last time i put him to bed or sat with him while he went to sleep. I am usually asleep before him. Only time i tell him to go to bed or put light off is if he has been tired and struggling to get up. Your 14 year old could leave home for college/uni within a few years. You gonna phone her at bedtime then???

My 15 year old takes herself to bed around 11pm. My 12 year old does need settling as she’s autistic, but that happens around 9:30 and I spend five minutes with her and say goodnight.

Hi OP,

I also have 2 girls around the same age as yours.

They both have all electrics off at 8pm. We then go to their room around 8.30 and I spend about half hour 45 mins talking to them about their day any worries etc. I enjoy this time as there's completely no distractions. They share a room so obviously we 3 sit together. I then leave them to read/draw/colour etc until they are tired and turn the light off themselves.

Could you take them both into your room maybe for the hour and read and talk all together?? Maybe the 11 yo is feeling a bit left out when you are with the older?? Worth a try maybe.

My similar aged kids: Eldest puts herself to bed. She's teen going on 80. She will read and then nine on the dot turn her lamp off and sleep with a little cap on so her hair doesn't go fuzzy.
DS on the other hand is a pain in the arse but I love him. He's needier and thinks he doesn't need sleep. He will sleep for 10.30/11 which isn't great but I'm done fighting him. Eventually he will be sensible i hope.

Your 3 year old doesn't go to bed until 9:30?! What time does he/she get up? My five year old still needs a good 11-12 hours

My 7.5 year old normally doesn’t go to bed until 9-9.30 and neither does my 3 year old but she’s wired differently. Youngest wakes about 7.30 but oldest will sleep in til about 8am most mornings. I don’t know how people get their kids to go to bed at 6.30-7pm. Please tell me your secrets!!!

I find it really odd that people sit and colour at bedtime with 14 year olds tbh. They need independence.

By age 11 DC was having dinner with us at 7:30.

Me too, even 11 seems way too old for that messing.

OP if you’re so against them watching TV in the evening it’s on you to turn off the TV and spend time as a family, not simply send them off to bed? The poor 11 year old is only home from school, changed and fed and it’s suddenly bedtime…

There’s so much resistance because they’re not tired. 9-9.45 is plenty early.

In the nicest way, give up; let go. Your DDs are plenty old enough to know when to put themselves to bed. Let them. Certainly encourage them to go up to bed by 8pm to brush teeth and then read (no screens) for a bit but let them turn out their lights or offer to turn off lights when you come up.

When I was a tween, my mother made 'bedtime/lights out' a battle ground. It was beyond irritating. So I have let my own DDs manage that. Just like I let them decide whether to wear a coat over their blazers.

Precisely this. They might be in bed early but they're not getting the sleep you think they're getting from it. Surely it would be better to go up later, have some down time as a family and then go to sleep faster? I know I hate lying in bed when I'm not tired, tossing and turning for ages.

Agree with others above that this seems ridiculously early, especially for the 11yo who probably isn't managing to sleep at that time because she's not even remotely tired yet! And about being able to go up and put themselves to bed mostly independently at that age (with maybe a bit of a chase from you if they're being slow, and a cuddle before lights-off if you want), and any "quality time" you want to have before that can be downstairs family time, not colouring with them in their rooms like 6-year-olds. And also agree that lots of activities for this age go on much later, so this may mean missing out on things or being out of step with their friends.

Bear in mind that at 14, your eldest might only be 4 years from going away to uni or something and needing to be able to look after herself completely independently! - cooking, shopping, budgeting, cleaning, laundry, admin... So it's the time where you need to be starting to relax the rules a bit, let her make her own decisions at least in smaller ways, take on more responsibility (maybe cooking a meal once in a while?), and let her learn to trust her own judgement (e.g. when she actually feels tired/when she needs to be up early the next day), and learn from her own mistakes to an extent. Babying teenagers doesn't do them any favours in the long term.

My daughters are exactly the same age as yours and those are very early bedtimes. Mine go to be at 9:30
and 10:30 respectively. The eldest would get no down time at all after clubs and homework if she went to bed that early!! When does yours do her homework??
Among their peers they go to bed quite early.
7:30 is bed time for an 8 year old.

Kindly OP, you need to start encouraging your DC, especially your eldest to be more independent. She needs to be encouraged to be totally independent and managing her own bedtime, obviously within reason! If she goes to sleep late and then is tired, she will need to learn from that.

The bedtimes seem very early.

Also by letting them get on with it, you can relax yourself in the evening. Tbh at that age I remember watching ER/X Files with my mum and get constantly complaining it was too dark 😆

I agree. Just very strange. Sorry. But it is.

When are they socialising? My teen is glued to his Xbox chatting all evening with his friends from school. It’s so important at this age. It doesn’t necessarily have to be screens or online (although that’s how they all socialise now) but they need time to become more independent and navigate social relationships with their peers.