End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

My 6 year old goes to sleep at 7:30pm and up at 7am. Honest think your putting them to bed to early

This! 😳

I have a 14-year-old and OP your bedtime routine sounds insane. Wayyy too early and why are you still putting them to bed at those ages like they were toddlers?!?

They are going to bed very early. My 11 year old goes to scouts and another club and they finish at 8:30 and 8:45 so his bedtime is 9-9:30 to allow for him to return home, unwind and then read. He actually has many friends going to bed at 10pm.

Good grief, that makes me feel ill. I would have hated that intrusion at that age. Why does anyone need a "time" to talk? Surely better to talk when you want to and not be forced into this as a nightly routine.
Appreciate that I am not you and you and your daughters are not me. Just the concept makes me feel suffocated

A 7.30 bedtime for an 11 year old is ridiculous . She's awake because she is not sleepy. Stop treating them like toddlers!

You are at the end of your rope? Just go to bed yourself. They are way too old for this carry on, and those times are way too early for their ages.
My friends children are competitive swimmers and are up at 5am every morning and they don’t even get forced to bed that early.

Mine are 12, 15 and 17. None of them have had a 'bedtime' for years. They take themselves to bed when they are tired. Youngest 2 have clubs until 9/9.30 a couple of times a week. At 7.30/8pm we're often still eating dinner. At 10/10.30pm we remind them to brush their teeth if they haven't done so already. I'd say more often than not at least 2 of them are up later than DH and I. They all know to make sure to turn the lights out if they are the last one downstairs.

While eldest could sleep for eternity and loves their bed, the youngest 2 are usually up by 6.30/7 am on a school day, sometimes earlier if they want to exercise or cook something to take to school with them before they go. As long as they get up for school, I really don't mind when they go to bed.

I'm a bit surprised your 14yr old hasn't started putting up a protest at such early bedtimes.

My 5yo goes to bed at 8. I can't imagine an 11yo going to bed with lights out at 7.30?! My 2yo has only just gone to bed then!

Well I have a 14yr old and an 11yr old. I honestly haven’t done ‘bedtime’ with them for about 5 years. They are way too
old to be put to bed. I would only intervene in what they are doing if they were still awake at midnight.

I had to check they weren’t aged 1 and 4.

what am I reading?? You put your 11yo to bed??? And you sit with your 14 year old??
Honestly, there is no need for all this! My children (12/10/8) are all still doing their homework, music practise, watching tv, playing games, listening to music etc at 830! Then I put the baby (18 months) to bed and when I'm back down I tell them all to go to bed and they walk upstairs, probably about 9pm, and 30 mins later I go up and one or two of them will be sleeping and the older one is reading.
This much involvement is overkill. It reads like you are secretly trying to re-live the toddler days.

what would you do if you had 3 children, or 4? Or had a baby and a toddler as well?

@BadBedtimeCrew what do you mean, by asking to be put back to bed??? how does an 11 year old ask that??? 7.30 for that age is ridiculously early!! sounds like you both just cannot be arsed with them in the evening. at their age, they should both be going to bed by themselves. they are not babies who need a bedtime story, for heaven's sake!!

Tv all evening ? What? You can go out now they are older
Gym clubs friends ?
If my 11 year old was told betime isx 730 HE would laugh jn my face. You need to grow up and let them manage themselves.

What time did they go to bed as toddlers?😁

7.30?? That was my kids' bedtime when they were 2. They're 12 and 14 now and I'm lucky if I can get them to bed by 10.

7.30?? That was my kids' bedtime when they were 2. They're 12 and 14 now and I'm lucky if I can get them to bed by 10.

I felt the same way reading that.

My 10 year old is in bed for 10, asleep by 11 and up for 7.30 week days. Never tired..I do think he probably goes too late though

Honestly OP, I feel bad for your 11yo particularly having to lie there awake in the dark when she's not tired as it's only 7.30pm!

Your kids are not toddlers. They will be around in the evening now, you can't just put them to bed at 7.30 and get your whole evening to yourself any more 🤷‍♀️

Play some board games, watch some TV together, whatever.

I thought mine had an early bedtime! (11 and 13yo). Generally its upstairs by 8.30. But that's not lights out... I know they hang out in DD2S bedroom for a bit.

Its because I do an hours work in the evening , so don'tike it too late...

But a couple of times a week we are out until 9ish.

Once you get past late primary, ime sleep becomes very personal. I've got three and they all had differing sleep needs and it's about actually it's identifying your kids' sleep needs and working with them. My middle child definitely needed less sleep even as a tiny baby. My eldest napped beautifully but slept badly at night and my youngest just didn't need to go to sleep as early as her siblings did at the same age, in spite of my best efforts. At 11, there is absolutely no way any of mine would have been remotely ready for an all night sleep at 8pm - honestly 9:00 was closer to the mark, with a 7am wake up. We still chatted before bed etc but 7:30/8pm is insane

@Pebbles16 what makes you think they are forced to talk??

It's not always deep conversations into the night, it's jokes and funny stories.

Strange how you think conversation at bedtime is an intrusion.

I actually try and say good night over and over but they still want to carry on talking and telling me funny things that have happened in the day.

After being at school, work and clubs all day it's actually lovely to have that quiet time.

Well, works for us anyway.

I have children are similar ages and I don’t ‘do bedtime’ - they get themselves ready for bed. I’ll pop up and give a kiss goodnight but that’s it. I think your children’s bedtimes are too early and you are getting too involved.

DD 12 goes to bed about 8.30pm in the week because she’s tired from school, but at the weekend/holidays it’s later maybe 9.30/10. She will have a shower, then potter about in her room / read a book / listen to music / do some drawing until she is tired. At weekends she’ll usually watch tv with us before bed.

DS 15 stays up later until about 10/10.30. We usually watch a tv programme together after dinner then he goes up to his room and reads until he’s tired.

It’s really nice now we can watch tv programmes together, what’s so bad about that? For example, we all enjoyed ‘Race across the World’ - they were learning about other countries and cultures without even realising!

I am strict about no computer screens or phones after dinner because they would be on them all night, but I think a tv programme then reading or drawing until they are tired is absolutely fine. You can’t force them to go to sleep.

OP I am hoping you are taking this in. You are infantalising your DC at a time when they should be earning more independence.

As others have said, these times are way too early

Far too early!