End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

Far too early. My 14 year old is at air cadets twice a week and only gets home at ten! On a weekend his phone goes off at 11 but he pretty much self regulates.

They are going to bed very early. My 9 year old is out at clubs until after 8pm 2 or 3 evening a week.

My other DD doesn’t get home from her sport until 9.15pm 3 nights a week! Has dinner then lights out by 10.30pm. I’m normally asleep before her.

All their clubs are straight after school, although the 14yo has just started an activity twice a week that finishes at 9:30. Part of my thinking regarding encouraging her into the activity is that I do recognise as a teenager she should be getting into the habit of really having an evening.

i can accept that their bedtimes are early, but they are awful if they don’t get enough sleep. Part of me also doesn’t want them to spend all evening in front of the TV.

To add my 4yo goes at 7.30 and 6yo 8pm with 30 min reading.

Your times I think are way too early.

This sounds like bedtime for toddlers not teens/tweens.

Mine are 10 and 14 - I send the 10 year old up about 8.30, they shower and get ready for bed - around 9 I go up and check they've brushed their teeth, tuck them in.
Then ask 14 year old to go and shower etc. Again I check at 10 that they're in bed/lights out.

It's too early, as everyone has said. If they're lying awake for hours in the dark, they'll dread bedtime.

This does seem quite early for their ages and may be the reason the 11 year old keeps getting up. I have a 12 year old and while I do still put him to bed, I spend about 15 mins with him once he's actually in bed. I get in with him, we have a little chat and a cuddle and then I leave. No way would I be putting him back to bed if he got up again though.

Maybe you need to set some really clear boundaries. 20 mins in with each of them (so you get some evening to yourself!) and if they get out of bed again after that, they put themselves back to bed. I would also maybe consider making the 11 year olds bedtime a bit later. My 12 year old goes at 9pm for reference and I know quite a few of his friends go at the same time.

Nothing wrong with watching the TV together! Why is that worse than being put to bed ridiculously early!!!

I didn’t put any of my 3 children to bed at that age. Why can’t they manage their own bedtimes?

I’ve got a 15 yo and an 11 yo.

I don’t even get involved with the 15 yo bedtime. If she’s up late and tired that’s her fault! She goes to bed around 10 in the week and 11/11.30 at the weekend. She’s usually in her room pottering from about 9.30 but that’s her choice. If I’m watching a movie and she wants to watch it she can.

I send 11yo up around 9. I give her 10 minutes to get changed and do teeth and then I go up and read to her (she’s severely dyslexic so I can read her stories she likes but would struggle with on her own). She’s usually in bed by 9.30 weekdays and 10 at the weekend. Once she’s in bed she reads to herself and turns her light out when she’s ready, normally about 10 minutes later.

They get up at 6.45 to be ready to catch a school bus so around the same time as your two.
You do sound like you have very, very early bedtimes for your two.

Your 11yo is clearly not tired if they're reappearing a number of times saying that they're having trouble sleeping.

My nearly 12yo goes up at 9.30 with quiet time from 10. Sometimes she reads for a while, sometimes she's out like a light. She's up at 7 for school, and seems to be doing fine with this.

Even my 8yo goes to bed later than your DC. She's up at 8.30 with lights off at 9!

I do not believe a healthy 11yo needs 11-12 hours sleep.

It’s not surprising she cannot get to sleep at 7:30.

A teenagers bedtime is none of my business unless they make it my business.

They can make it my business by:

• Being loud late at night
• Being too tired to get up in the morning
• Being generally grumpy or unpleasant to live with because they are not getting enough sleep

If they make it my business, I have a chat and remind them about the importance of healthy sleep habits, and encourage them to get to bed earlier. This has worked well for all three of my children over the years.

I think bedtime is to early at those ages.
My ds7 goes to bed at 8.30 on a week day and on the weekend we wait for him to crash which is about 10pm.

I think you’re being a bit tight on the actual time you’re asking them to go to bed. My 6 year old typically goes up about 7:30 and is asleep by about 8. My 14 year old, well, with her she has the choice of an early night, at a reasonable hour, or she can simply stay up all night if she wants to. This absolutely works. I tell her I don’t care what time you go to bed, but this is the time you are waking up regardless. You’ve got to equip these kids with the tools they need in later life. You don’t remove the choice, because when the choice is their own, it needs to be the right one. Hope that makes sense 💕

That is insane. At their ages you set a bedtime and say they can read in bed for a set time after bedtime for example. You pop in to kiss them goodnight. You don't 'do bedtime' -- you are massively infantilising them. It's bonkers. Honestly bonkers!

You’re completely babying them and treating them as if they’re still very young children. My children just went to bed on their own ar that time. I had no involvement beyond a bedtime kiss and a check they’d done their teeth.

You need to start treating them in an age appropriate way and reclaim your evening.

I will go against the grain here - I have a 14 year old and she is in bed by 9 unless she has cadets (twice per week) when it is 10. Weekends also 10 ish. They need sleep, they do need to be sent to bed and there are far too many knackered kids at school who are left to manage their own bedtimes and don’t get nearly enough sleep. Tired brains cannot learn and can also fuel less than optimal behaviour. My 12 year old goes to be at 8.30 and by 9 year old at 8. Works fine for us. If they really cannot sleep (rare) then they can read.

Far too early! Your poor kids. So what if they’re in their rooms doing activities or reading, leave them to actually have time to wind down and be tired. My 7 year old is in her room at 7.30 and asleep by 8-8.15. They’re not toddlers!

Nothing wrong with sitting relaxing and watching TV altogether. That’s what we do. We either have something on in the background and sit and scroll on our phones and all chat or we find a specific series etc to watch. I think that’s much more comfortable and relaxed than trying to make them have a whole bedtime routine like you’d do with a much younger child.

I don’t think they are crazy early bedtimes - some children need a lot of sleep. My 14 year old goes up at 8:30 for a shower and then reads until lights out at 9:30. We pop up to say goodnight but don’t “settle” him. At 11 years old lights out was 7:45. 6:30 wake up for school.

Why on earth are you ‘putting them to bed’ at their ages? They should be getting ready and taking themselves off to bed at this age.

Too early bedtimes. My 3 year old goes between 730-8. My 11 year old goes at 9, to read usually. Asleep by 10 at latest.

Mine are older now but that sounds a lot of faff for their ages. At 14, (and it's not long since i had a 14) the rule was that the phone had to be left downstairs at 9pm and DD went up to her room but what she did up there was up to her. As long as it didn't disturb us. She always got herself up and out for school on time.

Had that been an issue, we'd have looked at it again.

At 11, she still had a bedtime story i think (this went on til she completed primary school) So, she'd have gone up 8ish. Got herself ready and in bed. Me or her Dad would have done just one chapter a night. And lights out, door shut. See her next morning.