End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

What a fuss.

Don't they have any social life in the evenings?

That's good for you, just doesn't sit well with me. We are all different

I went to bed ridiculously early as a teenager (I STILL get made fun of by friends, 25 years later) and I was going to read at 9. 7:30 for an 11 is batty. She’s not going to sleep because she’s not tired. Also batty that you’re doing “bedtime” with them?! If you want to spend time, do it downstairs, play a board game or watch a show together. Coloring quietly with an 11 years seems odd.

I think you are being very unreasonable as is your husband.

My 11 year old is in bed from 9pm, and a 14 year old, would have much more leeway.

At fourteen I considered myself adult I remember. I don’t think my mother did, but I was lucky enough to have older siblings.
I think 10pm or 10.30pm was reasonable then. Maybe earlier if I was tired.

You are being too restrictive. And they definitely should have gone to bed by themselves years ago.

You remind me of a neighbour who complained that she had to lie on her daughter’s bed every night, for hours, until she fell asleep.
The girl was a teenager, it was a ridiculous situation to have got into.

I agree - I hope OP takes the comments on board. I had to check the kids' ages about three times.

But how many hours are they likely to be getting once they eventually fall asleep? Whatever is, is probably enough.

they need a later bedtime.lying in bed when you’re not tired is awful. No wonder they’re getting up and fussing, they’ll be getting really restless.

i get you and probably more so your husband want a child free evening (doesn’t sound like he does bedtime) but is there any space they can have to themselves in the evening?
or tell them they go up to their rooms and do screen free activities until 20:30 for the the 11 year at old and a bit later for the 14 year old and you’ll find it’ll all a lot easier

That's far too early for their ages! No wonder she keeps getting out of bed!
You need to push their bedtimes back. Up at 9, lights out by half past.

I thought those times were a wind-up.

This (am an ex scouts/guide leader as well as mum of two, 3 year age gap). The bed time routine should be - ‘time for bed, lights out in 30mins’ and they go and sort themselves out. Timings around 830-930 for the 11yo; 930-10 for the 14yo.

What you describe is insane. Most children should be independently taking themselves off to bed before they reach secondary school, with a parent perhaps checking in that the lights are out and they’re in bed around 30mins after you’ve sent them up.

This ^

When I was 11 I wouldn't be in bed before 10pm.

By 14 it would be closer to midnight and I'd read in bed until 1am or later.

Didn't affect me academically or from a sports point of view.

12 yr DD bed time is 830 unless she's out late at a club. Lights out 845. Alarm at 6am.
14 yr DS bed time is 845 ( to avoid bathroom arguments!) lights out whenever, although usually by 915. Else I tell him to go to sleep at 930. Alarm at 6am for school.

Both read alone now, although I still tuck DD up. DS generally pops his head out of his room and shouts good night.

Unpopular opinion it would seem but I agree with your bedtimes. My 13yr old has a club till 10 twice a week but every other night it’s bed by 8pm. They need their sleep!!! I do think they should be taking themselves to bed though.

By 11, secondary school age, the DCs put themselves to bed. I’d try snd encourage them to be asleep by 10 but they had to get up at 6.30 for the bus at 7.30. Obviously I’d say goodnight - maybe a quick chat snd hug/kiss but that was it.
I def wasn’t fussing with stories, or setting a bedtime.

Babies, toddlers and young primary children go to bed at 7.30.

Sometime between 9-10 is perfectly fine for an 11 yr old. Sometime between 10.30-11.30 for 14 year old - an hour or so later for both on Fri/Sat.

Seriously - you can't keep them at primary school bedtimes like this, it's going to give them sleep problems lying in bed awake for so long

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship 🥰

This must be a goady post surely? At 14 my year 10 doesn't finish school some days until
6 or more often later with sport/drama -she then has dinner: shower: homework: downtime - no particular order.

Bed 10 on a weekday- flexible at the weekend.

Those bedtimes are far too early for their ages no wonder it's a hassle.

My kids are younger and are at clubs later than 7.30.

My 12 year old gets,a taxi to school at 7.30am but goes,to sleep about 10pm. Bed is any time after 8.30 but he can choose to sleep or entertain himself. He might go straight to sleep at 9pm or still be awake by 10pm but in bed.

I haven’t even read the full thread but I imagine most responses are like mine.

are you having a laugh? That is so early for those ages! My 7 year olds bed time is 8.30 and 10 year old up to 9.30 but he decides to go earlier if he’s tired because we let him have some autonomy to actually get tired and recognise he needs sleep. They are both up by 7 the vast majority of the time and not tired.

we did have a similar situation to you when the now 10 year old was a year younger as we were trying to force him to bed before
he was ready so I recognise it can be easy done. It should be a simple fix though, let them work out that they’re tired.

You are treating your children like toddlers.

This is mad, 8pm is too early for an 11 year old, is she in secondary? If she needs lots of sleep, by all means, lights out at 8:45. Let them be more independent, you don't need to sit with her when she is colouring in.

That's way, way too early. What's DH's problem?!

And probably the cause of the 11yo getting up so much.

I would say 9pm lights out for 11yo and maybe 9.30 for 14yo.

Can't you and DH do it together and do one child each? That way you both get a bit of 1 on 1 time and it would stop the drama.

My 14 year old doesn’t have a bed time. She has to be in her bedroom around 10ish and she can read or sew or paint her nails. She’s pottering around now trying on outfits for her trip with friends tomorrow. If she was still up much past 11 I’d stick my head in but you need to let go a little bit, she’s pushed it a couple of times and is learning that she feels crappy the next day so it’s not worth it.

If I tried to “put her to bed” at 8 she’d think I was mad!

Way too early. My 11 year old goes to bed around 9.15/9.30. My 14 year old is in bed some time after 10 (much later at the weekend).

I'd expect a bedtime nearer 9pm for an 11 year old, 10pm at 14, mon to fri. You will get people on here let them up much later.

Don't they have homework or hobbies? At 14 i had a music lesson at 7pm one evening.