Son heard us having sex

[blessedsatellite]

He's 11 and was really upset.

He came home from school and was quiet and seemed a bit down so I asked him what was wrong and he eventually told me he's heard us having sex the past few weekends and then started crying.

He didn't say sex explicitly but I knew where it was going when he explained when/where/what.

Before anyone says its natural and normal etc etc, that's all very well but it's bloody horrible hearing your parents have sex. I still feel gross when I remember hearing my parents.

I've read similar posts on here and I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for from this. Maybe some sympathy!

I didn't confirm nor deny anything, I said I'd speak to his dad and thanked him very much for telling me and gave him a big hug. I don't know what I should have said! Bloody nora.

If he's anything like me this will have scarred him for life 🙈 I'm only half-joking.

@YoucancallmeBettyDraper

i still wouldn’t want my child at any age to be wondering what is making the bed make a sound but that being said I’m the parent that’s up every 10 minutes to check my child until I am asleep.

there’s also been occasions where we move from the bed to the sofa to do what we want to do. No noise. It’s not about having a huge house and not being able to do it it’s about finding spaces and times where noise isn’t even happening around your child to indicate what you’re doing at any age. Simple as that your happy to let your child sit in their bed at night and hear your bed consistently move for how ever long but I’m not. Simple as that and my partner feels the same he said he’d feel weird if he knew his kids cold hear anything.

😆 Aw bless

No. It happened at night while the boy was in his own room.

This thread has been really surprising for me too, and I'm not sure that it's representative of wider attitudes. My parents were very open and positive about sex and honestly I'm so grateful to them for that as a good sex life adds so much joy to my life . I never had any shame or negativity about it, always knew that I could talk to them about contraception. I often heard them having sex and it didn't bother me at all. I'm a very sensitive person and I was deeply upset by hearing them arguing, but the occasional sex noises? Just life; I'd roll my eyes and ignore it.
BTW, despite (because of?) this very sex positive upbringing, I did not rush into having sex young & was one of the later people to lose my V.

This is crazy. It is not a "crap upbringing" for parents to have quiet sex while their kids are in the house.
Refusing to have sex with kids in the house is a recipe for a sexless marriage, a lack of connection, and an unsatisfying relationship. And that is really not good for kids.

Haha this thread made me chuckle!

I see there's a lot of prudes on here too.

I used to hear my mum and dad all the time was gross because well yeah my parents but I used to in the end just stick my headphones in.

My son has heard me have sex before was Soooooooo embarrassing! It is one of those things though, it's normal, least now you know to maybe be a little more quiet. I mean if you've got a creaky bed maybe sort that too. 🤣 I used too (used too because I'm divorced and single now) wait until kids were asleep but my eldest always was a light sleeper and can take ages and ages too go off even used to pretend he was asleep which happens as kids are kids and that's how he heard 🙈🙈🙈

Don't sweat about it (excuse the pun) least you know now and you can just say as someone said above won't happen again my apologises dear.

What?! Trying to imagine telling DH that rather than discreet regular sex in our own bed before we fall asleep we’ll have to grab a quicky once every two months when the kids are both out of the house, or rearrange everyone’s schedule around our sex life (“no DD, you can’t join the netball team, trampolining’s much more convenient…”)

It depends on the house and where the bedrooms are doesn't it, not sure what homes people live in where the only noise that would be heard by someone else would be wild screams or over the top porn noises.

OP there's a lot of drama on this thread, now you're aware of it you're rightly taking it on board and take more care in the future- that's fine.

Not imposing on the thread here but it is really interesting to read people's trauma on hearing their parents having sex when they were young

Not sure, maybe they never experienced actual trauma? It's such a hyperbolic word in many cases, if a child was actually traumatised by this there was surely something else going on.

I think this highlights that trauma and distress is individual. It's sort of mute how anyone else would feel or did feel, the important thing is how your ds feels. I think so often we think we have to come to a consensus about what is acceptable or not. Ignoring that we are all individuals with different fears and worries. What matters is that it bothers him, and how you respond to that is key to your ongoing relationship. But you get that, and will be able to protect your son from now on. It's about validating that it shouldn't be something he hears, and that he won't again, is all that's needed.

Slightly OT but this clinical psychologist, whose specialist topics are relationships and child anxiety, has a good piece on how the media has become much more prudish about the concept of parents having sex over the last 20 years. Bizarre, when so much sexualised content bombards our teens elsewhere.

"If you listened to my podcast about how TV shows for teens used to show that married adults have sex, you will love this line I just heard upon rewatching the first episode of Dawson's Creek: "Moms have great sex lives." Doesn't that seem insane given where we are at 20+ years later? Part of being an adult used to be having sex and having fun in general, and now the norm seems to be to view yourself as a sacrificial lamb slaughtered on the pyre of your children's happiness. What has changed, why, and how can you counteract it?"

🤢🤢

Some of the replies have made me chuckle like the Marvin Gaye comment and someone picturing their dad's bare arse for years.

Interestingly, a couple of PPs were spot on when they said men would have a different reaction. I told DH and he basically just shrugged. He's told me NUMEROUS times that he once walked in on his parents when he was young and he can still visualise it. He also said that's what our son's headphones are for. OTOH my legs are now clamped shut!

As for the PP who said be wary of sharing personal stories because of pervs getting off on stories. I'm always bemused by comments like these as pervs will get off on whatever gets them off. What difference does it make if it's to some common experiences people are talking about here, it's not going to impact anyone else on here one bit. It's all a bit virtue signalling.

As for the where/when/what it was in our bedroom/late at night/noises he heard as I tried to work out what he was referring to when he was telling me. The noises weren't vocal.

We have a small house and as I realised last night when it was bedtime that the house is super quiet so any noise would be noticeable. Also, we (son and I) both have ADHD and are sensitive to noise. This is not a drip feed, him hearing us happened either way so I need to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Interestingly, a couple of PPs were spot on when they said men would have a different reaction. I told DH and he basically just shrugged. He's told me NUMEROUS times that he once walked in on his parents when he was young and he can still visualise it. He also said that's what our son's headphones are for. OTOH my legs are now clamped shut!

OP, the fact that your husband has mentioned this incident from his childhood multiple times and can still visualise it shows he’s somewhat traumatised by it or why would he keep going on about it? He may pretend he’s ok with it but if he was I can’t imagine he’d have mentioned it more than once or twice to you.

It’s truly sad that his attitude is well “I had to suffer that, so my son can as well” If nothing else, he should care because your son is upset and crying.

This is what people mean when they say it’s really men that need to start caring more about their fellow men/boys mental health.

I think this highlights that trauma and distress is individual. It's sort of mute how anyone else would feel or did feel, the important thing is how your ds feels

I completely agree. We are all so different and perhaps this wouldn’t affect all children but it definitely has upset OPs son and that’s the main thing.

And I don’t think his reaction is outlandish or rare either based on my experience as a former educator and youth worker.

Is is possible we're overusing the word trauma nowadays?

The son heard, what, a creaking bed? OP says the noise wasn't vocal.

Sex is a normal part of life. I can't agree that hearing a bed creaking twice is 'trauma'.

Asking him to put his ear/headphones on every time before you have sex will definitely put his mind at rest!

Sex is a fact of life we know that, but you need to be more aware about the noise and the timing .At his age he will be coming into puberty and its all a shock to realise your parents are having sex in the first place .I think you need to apologise and be more discreet now he is no longer a baby .
I remember hearing my parents and I was mortified at that age.

He's told me NUMEROUS times that he once walked in on his parents when he was young and he can still visualise it. He also said that's what our son's headphones are for. OTOH my legs are now clamped shut!

Jesus fucking Christ. 😩 poor kid.

You need to get a better bed. A sturdy wooden bed frame and a decent mattress and the bed shouldn’t make any noise at all, really. Music on, problem solved.
Also checking a 2-year-old every 10 mins until you’re asleep is a bit worrying. Do you suffer from anxiety or birth trauma? There is a help available for this.

I'v seen a few people suggest that people put music on in their room when having sex. Wonder how many kids there are out there who hear music start in their parents room and think 'oh no, not again'. It's probably pretty obvious. Probably not the best way if you don't want your kids to know you're having aex.

*sex

@YoucancallmeBettyDraper

You’ve lost it, I check my child because that’s what is expected at a nursery which is where I work we check our toddlers and babies every ten minutes when sleeping so why wouldn’t I do the same at home.

I also have an a decent bed thank you for your concern. My mattress is devent intact the best I’ve had in my adult life as is the frame/headboard. I just don’t see why I’d put my child through it but you clearly don’t care or are childless s

Checking a child every 10 mins does seem OTT unless they are ill of course

Yes, but if you make a habit of playing music for a while as part of your own winding - down routine, or from time to time when you're in your room, then it's just normal and not an obvious shag alert. Unless it's Barry White etc.