Son heard us having sex

[blessedsatellite]

He's 11 and was really upset.

He came home from school and was quiet and seemed a bit down so I asked him what was wrong and he eventually told me he's heard us having sex the past few weekends and then started crying.

He didn't say sex explicitly but I knew where it was going when he explained when/where/what.

Before anyone says its natural and normal etc etc, that's all very well but it's bloody horrible hearing your parents have sex. I still feel gross when I remember hearing my parents.

I've read similar posts on here and I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for from this. Maybe some sympathy!

I didn't confirm nor deny anything, I said I'd speak to his dad and thanked him very much for telling me and gave him a big hug. I don't know what I should have said! Bloody nora.

If he's anything like me this will have scarred him for life 🙈 I'm only half-joking.

Why is it a bit much? Because 11 year old boys should man up?

This really isn't a big deal. The way you react to your son should lead in showing him that it's not a big deal, adults do have sex, but it's good manners to be quiet when other people are around. Don't act like it's something to be ashamed of. Be matter - of fact about it.

Just get a bluetooth speaker and start playing quiet music in your room at night, to muffle the sounds of anything else.
Please don't restrict sex to times when your kids are out of the house; that's extreme and unnecessary, and it's likely to lead to an unhappy marriage. Sex is so important in keeping a couple happy, especially for most men is how they really connect to their partner and express love. What a shame to restrict the one thing which makes you more than roommates. Just stick the music on and crack on.

For context - there are many families in the world who live in small homes, crowded homes, all sorts of accommodation where parents and children sleep near each other. They still have sex.

No I'd find it a bit much if my daughter was crying over this at 11. Not everything is a male/female thing.

He should be taught that sex is private and no one needs to hear you having sex.

Oh dear I still remember catching up my parent half asleep I was probably age of 6 it was tramatausing for me.

I heard my parents as a kid and it was horrible and embarrassing. They were definitely not loud - it was just the sound of the bed and unfortunately I knew what was going on. It's unpleasant for all concerned, but how is it a safeguarding concern?

I cant believe some posters are judging an 11 year old child for crying about something that is distressing for them. Op it's great that you listened, I second apologising - he shouldnt have heard, but you didnt know, and promising it won't happen again. I was him, and my parents ignored me and carried on, telling me it was natural. I just didn't want to hear it, and it did end up affecting my sexual development and made me feel a bit messed up about sex for a while. But - that is because they knew I could hear and carried on. If they had listened and respected my wishes, I would have learnt something about healthy boundaries.

Not imposing on the thread here but it is really interesting to read people's trauma on hearing their parents having sex when they were young. My DF died when I was young my mum was always single after and so I never ever had this experience. In turn, as a parent now, I am absolutely petrified of DC ever hearing or seeing us and I think this is for the opposite reason, because for me it's so alien and I was never exposed to it. I am actually very prude about it and will only do it when they are out doing activities (much to DH's annoyance.) I used to think because I never experienced knowing parents to have a healthy sexual relationship that this was why I was like this. This has made me think that this isn't quite true!

I heard my parents all the time and hated it. It didn't feel like a home I could relax in or have friends stay over just incase.
For 10 years we have never had sex in the house while our child has been in it. Not even at night. Refuse for him to have that type of crap upbringing.

It's not just about being mute tho. At night, when everyone is asleep usually....you can hear a pin drop. It's pretty easy to pick up a squeaky mattress or bed frame or some sort of sound rhythm. It's easy to hear even someone shuffle in bed covers. No such thing as doing it quietly.

My friend's mother had a string of men she had loud sex with. I was never there when it happened but was on the other end of the phone on one occasion. My friend would whack the wall but the mother didn't care. All I could tell her was go for a walk when it happened. Her mother was also scantily clad around the house and my friend told me about seeing bruising on the inside of her mother's thigh. Unsurprisingly the mother has five kids to 3 different fathers. Just a terrible role model for relationships. That and my friend being made to feel so uncomfortable in her own room.

That's the extreme end though. What OP is describing is an unfortunate occurrence that she was unaware of.

On a one off then you can understand it was a mistake, but your clearly having loud sex most weekends, surely you know there's a possibility of your son hearing ! Poor boy, that is definitely traumatising to hear at 11.

Well yeah...it's embarrassing. But at least he felt able to tell you and now you can stop having noisy sex that your 11 y o can hear.

It would be traumatising if knowing how upset he was you continued doing it, of course - but sounds like now you are aware it won't happen any more.

OP you mention half-joking about it ruining your life. Presumably that's because you didn't have a parent who took your concerns seriously or responded in an appropriate way and left you feeling reassured (perhaps you never even told them you knew)?

This doesnt need to be like that - you can guide him here and that includes setting the tone as serious but not as if anytiing catastrophic has happened (fake it til you beleive that yourself). You can be clear that parents have sex as part of a safe, loving and close relationship. The part that was wrong was that it happened in a way he heard and you will.make sure that never happens again so he doesnt need to worry.

Ffs.

At least you're:

A) in a loving relationship with the father of your children

B) you child feels they can talk to you

FWP

(Evidently I need a chill pill this evening 😬.)

Psychologist here (ex CAMHS). Its quite a common reaction for kids close to/going through puberty to react this way to hearing parents having sex. It's embarrassing, confusing and it can feel violating, a child may have a feeling of being trapped and not being able to escape something they don't want to witness/hear, especially if it's at night time, they're meant to be in bed and can't go anywhere. A child of 11 can't necessarily put the words to how they feel about it and why at that age. The crying is not necessarily a reaction they can control.

All those feelings are why we recognise it's not a great idea to expose children to adults' sex lives, funnily enough - even if it's their parents and it's perfectly natural and normal, it doesn't mean they should be exposed to it repeatedly or expected to be ok with it.

I don't think I apologised, I was caught completely off guard! I'm happy to talk to him about it again but I needed time to compose myself and talk to him about it in an age appropriate way
Surely, an "oh I'm sorry sweetie, I had not idea you could hear. Dad and I will be more considerate in the future" is all that was needed? Now it's been made in to a bigger deal than it needed to be. Confirmation that we all need to be considerate about each other and keep noise down surely would have been enough

I don't understand why he'd cry though but I never understand the knots parents tie themselves into over the kid hearing or walking in or even a whiff of suspicion 🤷‍♀️

THIS!!! 100%!

I still remember getting upset and feeling sick hearing my parents. it was so violating. I don't understand people's comments saying a CHILD getting upset is an odd reaction, they literally cannot take themselves out of the situation

I agree the those saying it’s understandable how a child would cry because not only are they grossed out but they feel powerless and trapped.

Even as an adult I still don’t like to hear family and friends having sex lol

I was babysitting a childhood friends toddler overnight once. She came back at 3am with a man and they had loud sex in the living room. Her kid was a heavy sleeper thankfully and wouldn’t have understood at that age, but I heard it all and was so annoyed and grossed out 😒 yes it’s her house but I was there to help her out and I don’t drive so couldn’t leave until the morning so I was pretty much trapped.

To everyone - please think twice about sharing personal stories about hearing parents having sex. This is a frequent perv troll topic. That's not to say the OP isn't genuine, but it would be less satisfying for any perverts reading if people give advice without including stories that helps them get off. There are a lot of sickos in the world.

Agree with this. Why is he sticking around to listen? You two should be more discreet about your sex lives, OP. Really.

What a strange question. The child is in bed trying to sleep. Where do you expect him to go? For a walk around the street?

Sorry, thought this was happening middle of day??