How would you read this email from the swimming teacher?

[Overwhelmedandout]

DD (just turned 7, starting Y2) has moved into a new group at swimming and has a new teacher. DD’s not terrible - can swim a couple of lengths, etc.

She has always had issues with concentration. I have suspected for some time that she might have ADHD but her teachers, while commenting on her lack of concentration, seem to think that she’s too young to be able to draw an accurate conclusion.

This evening, completely out of the blue, I’ve had an email from the head of the swimming school, stating that:

“[Teacher] says that [DD] is very capable but because she lacks focus, and doesn’t always listen, she isn’t refining her technique, and her stroke can be quite messy.”

They want me to “speak to her to make sure she gets the most out of her swimming lessons” and moves into the next group after Christmas. I did, and she cried for an hour, and we have all gone to bed upset.

I figured that she must have been pretty naughty for them to send this kind of email. I’ve definitely never had one before, in years of lessons for the DC. Would you read this as “she’s causing chaos in the lesson / setting fire to the other kids” or “she’s daydreaming and isn’t improving her technique”? If it’s the former then fair enough, and she deserves a telling off. If it’s the latter… well, to be honest, I can’t get all upset about a Y2 child having a messy swimming stroke/ if she doesn’t move up a group in four months. But it must have been quite bad, surely - it would be insane to send me a random email telling me that a 7 year old’s swimming stroke is messy and I must tell her off for it?!

if she has adhd you’re going to have a lifetime of teachers saying this stuff to you. And she’s not going to change. She will be different to the mainstream and struggle because of it. I’d suggest delving into adhd parenting techniques and not taking teachers side, so to speak, as she will just feel ganged up on - imagine not understanding why everyone is always telling you off because you’re just acting the way your brain tells you to subconsciously…and you don’t even realise you’ve zoned out or started a different task to that which was asked of you, then suddenly you kinda come back into reality and everyone is having a go at you. that’s what it’s like to have adhd.

always being late because time just doesn’t register the same way. Becoming consumed by things that have your attention and just having no bandwidth for other things - it’s a bit like how an addict can drag themselves up Mount Everest for a fix but getting them to take care of themselves seems insurmountable task for them. The brain pursues what the brain wants and if your daughter is bobbing up and down in the water, it’s not because she doesn’t WANT to listen to the teacher, it’s because her subconscious brain has taken over and it has zero interest in what the woman is saying.

anyway, going on about listening isn’t going to help. Obviously you can kindly help her to, but in reality you’re going to need to think of different ways to help her fly in life. And she can, because she has things that others don’t. Maybe private swim lessons, maybe different group?

sorry if I’m telling you stuff you already know

Hindsight has taught me that it's more important that they are happy and confident in themselves and they are not shamed for their inability to pay attention. Ds was later diagnosed with ASD and ADHD - the torment his infant teachers put him through, the constant picking and complaining about who he was - I still feel very upset about it even 15 years later.

And why would they? That would be an astonishing thing to do

Quite a normal thing to do, I think. I haven't had any yet (a matter of time, I'm sure!). Still, I know of people at toddler football, gymnastics, swimming, that have all been occasionally updated - presumably because if she's not progressing, that's not great for you or their stats. They don't want you to be in the dark about why they're not progressing.

It seems very normal and clear to me that they've laid out why she's not progressing, that she might not be able to move up as expected after Christmas at this rate, and what she needs to do to be able to do that; so you can decide what to do.

Telling her off to such an extent that she cried for an hour and everyone went to bed upset is the astonishing thing, really.

Michael Phelps has ADHD. He is a pretty decent swimmer...

I really don't think the email was negative.

She has just moved up into a new group. The email says could be moved up AGAIN by Christmas.

Anyone dragging their kids to swimming knows that's pretty speedy movement.

So, the teacher thinks your kid has potential.

I mean, you may think it's because they are covering their arse with the emall- but honestly who expects their kids to move classes in swimming every 3 months?!

I read it as she doesn't always listen so isn't progressing as well

But not that she is being naughty as such

What on Earth did you say to her to make her cry for an hour 🙀🙀🥲🥲

In my kid's swim school they move up when they're ready, not on timeline, as everyone learns at a different pace. i'd be tempted to find another school.

I'd read that as, "You are paying for lessons but your daughter could make more progress if she payed more attention".

Not that she is being naughty, just that she is not progressing as expected.

You should ring the swim school and ask if you can speak to the teacher at some point to find out exactly what they mean.
Emails are difficult to interpret sometimes. It could be just that she isn't improving because she isn't focussed or it could be a nice way of saying she's quite difficult to handle and perhaps a bit disruptive. The only way to find out is to ask and then take it from there.

I used to be a swimming instructor. You get children who are hearing you but not listening, its the only way i can describe it. No matter what you tell them, they don't do anything differently because what you have told them hasn't sunk in. Its definitely her concentration, she will be thinking about something else. It doesn't mean she is naughty but the fact she can swim a couple of lengths does mean she is improving, albeit slowly. Maybe find another class.

I don't find that email bad at all.
If your DD isn't improving, not through ability but through concentration and effort they are actually giving you a heads up that you are wasting your money if she continues to behave like that and to have a talk to her about concentrating. I'd think worse of them if they continued to take your money and your DD don't improve.
I can't see where it implies to give your child a row that would have her crying for an hour though.

Op I think you are overthinking it. The teacher is just saying that they'll progress quicker if they focus and concentrate more. You didn't need to tell them off!! Surely you just gently remind them to listen carefully during their lessons and encourage them that if they do they'll move up quicker!

My 6yr olds swimming teacher says things like this to me quite often. As my 6yr old keeps ducking under and not listening. They tell me at the lesson as I watch. I've never told my Dd off just gentle reminder for her to listen!

I don’t know what the swimming teacher meant but that’s neither nor there. I think the bigger issue at hand is your manner of communicating with your child, crying for an hour shouldn’t be the outcome of any conversation you have with your child.

My DD has ADHD and one of the first ways it was apparent is that her swimming teacher repeatedly asked if she had hearing issues. I was able to watch the lessons and could see that she was often bobbing under the water when the teacher was speaking.

She took 2 years to get through one of the stages, but there was nothing I could do to speed things up.

It was useful evidence for her ADHD diagnosis.

NOWHERE did it say outrageous behaviour or disruptive. In fact it reads as n advisory rather than a negative far less reason to chastise.
If i was to jumpto conclusions id presume you have adressed it as crittersism, probably gave her a row and thats why all upset.
THATS ENTIRELY ON YOU.
it was feedback,highlighting how you could help improvement.
show her olympic swimmers those syncronised swimmers nd explaain YOU got it wrong.
shes doing really well, its a bit like when your colouring in,at first its sorta messy but once you can do it, its better end result and actually easier if you stay in the lines.
that shes now swimming like a swimmer not avoiding drowning,and if tries to be a bit more graceful shes going to get better n better

Why didn’t you just clarify with the teacher or the swim school
Ask to speak to them and see why they felt they needed to email.

Id have done this before I mentioned it to my DC so I knew for sure if and what it was I felt they might benefit from having a conversation about.

I think it's a general email that they would send if they were unsure / or if she was borderline able to move up after Christmas and asking for your thoughts , but I would insist that you would be able to watch what happens during the lesson maybe from afar so that you can see exactly.
She is 7 , if she can swim then take her yourself and see what she can do.
Good luck

I wouldn't interpret it as she's being deliberately naughty but for them to be motivated to send it her behaviour is impacting the lesson.

For example if they are all required to swim a width front crawl and your daughter is under the water, fails to start with everyone else, then has to do it, all the other kids have to wait for her and the teacher can't start the next instruction.

It's minor but if it's regular in a half hour lesson it has an impact on getting through the programme.

Speaking as someone with ADHD and children with ADHD - That is part of your life now. You must gently repeat to her, bur firmly what she needs to do for her own safety. Nobody has told you to tell her off - The way you are looking at it is completely bizarre and I wonder if you yourself are OK!?

The new teacher has picked up on this behaviour and want to prevent her from drowning. Having ADHD makes you zone out and daydream extremely quickly, grow bored quickly, not listen, not hear what is being said, struggle to keep up with what needs to be done. You need to tell the instructor that potential ADHD might mean she never perfects the stroke and ask if this is going to be an issue.

Encourage her to keep going, be proud of her attempts, praise her when she listens, and don't shout at her for being Neurodiverse.

Has she had her hearing tested? Daydreaming, lack of focus and concentration could bean indication that she is not hearing and understanding what is being expected of her.

Is it possible that they have worded it this way so you don’t presume sometime in the near future that ‘if’ she isn’t progressing, you may think they aren’t teaching her properly but are happily taking your money?

OP is your DD by any chance very sensitive to criticism?

I do agree with everyone else that there was no need to tell her off but I think everyone here is imagining you absolutely went off at her and made her cry for an hour.

While I do agree that saying it's unkind was an odd choice, if it really was just the way you described in your post I'm surprised it caused so much upset. Did you say it kindly? Like you might say to a young child "oh we don't take peoples toys that's not kind". Or was it harsher than that?

I wouldn't have worded it like you did but I don't think telling her that it's kind to the teacher to listen when they're trying to teach should warrant such an intense response.

I ask because people with ADHD can be very sensitive and often experience RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and I remember as a child I reacted really badly to any sort of criticism. In fact, any suggestion that I had done anything mildly wrong resulted in intense shame.

I have 3 girls. All 3 of them were doing exactly as your daughter at that age. All of them would chat, sink to the bottom, twizzle around etc. All of her behaviour sounds normal to me!

Sounds pretty familiar. My grandaughter used tospend lessons chewing on her goggles at that age. She is now excellent and swims competitively.
They are ott. You should be able to observe lessons, find a different group of classes.

Children develop their swimming and water confidence at different ages. She is still very young. Can she hear what is being said properly? Swimming pool acoustics are notoriously bad so might be worth checking that out. Her strokes and co-ordination will develop in time. Bless her.

If it was as easy as telling a child to just listen, there wouldn't be children getting ADHD diagnoses. I don't think the email is telling your dd off but it is pointless.

One of mine has ADHD. She didn't do well in a swimming group when she was a bit younger than yours, being both inattentive and impulsive. I remember watching as she became impatient with the child in line in front of her whose turn it was to jump in and feeling awful when she simply pushed him in.

Her teacher (at a private club) offered her private / solo lessons at the same price as the group ones - which was an amazing thing for him to do - and that worked much better.

Maybe tell the teacher you don't want your child pushed and let her learn at her own pace. Group members tends to change over time anyway. She can stay at the same level until she is ready. (Unless you're hoping to raise a swimming champion!)