How would you read this email from the swimming teacher?

[Overwhelmedandout]

DD (just turned 7, starting Y2) has moved into a new group at swimming and has a new teacher. DD’s not terrible - can swim a couple of lengths, etc.

She has always had issues with concentration. I have suspected for some time that she might have ADHD but her teachers, while commenting on her lack of concentration, seem to think that she’s too young to be able to draw an accurate conclusion.

This evening, completely out of the blue, I’ve had an email from the head of the swimming school, stating that:

“[Teacher] says that [DD] is very capable but because she lacks focus, and doesn’t always listen, she isn’t refining her technique, and her stroke can be quite messy.”

They want me to “speak to her to make sure she gets the most out of her swimming lessons” and moves into the next group after Christmas. I did, and she cried for an hour, and we have all gone to bed upset.

I figured that she must have been pretty naughty for them to send this kind of email. I’ve definitely never had one before, in years of lessons for the DC. Would you read this as “she’s causing chaos in the lesson / setting fire to the other kids” or “she’s daydreaming and isn’t improving her technique”? If it’s the former then fair enough, and she deserves a telling off. If it’s the latter… well, to be honest, I can’t get all upset about a Y2 child having a messy swimming stroke/ if she doesn’t move up a group in four months. But it must have been quite bad, surely - it would be insane to send me a random email telling me that a 7 year old’s swimming stroke is messy and I must tell her off for it?!

Group swimming lessons are really boring for little kids as they have to do so much waiting.
They're a waste of time I reckon.
Teach her yourself they learn way quicker and it's cheaper.

They didn't tell you to tell her off.

I'd read it as a "she's so close to moving up a level can you help motivate her to try and focus a bit more as she's so nearly there"

I'm really surprised by your reaction to the email - you seem to be looking for some kind of deeper, sinister meaning. You also seem absolutely shaken that you received it. And yet it really doesn't seem like a big deal?! Are you perhaps more worried about her potential ADHD than you realised? Has it been a few weeks of similar feedback from school and this has pushed you over the edge?

They are simply alerting you to the fact that she's struggling to concentrate. I don't feel like the swimming school have done anything wrong. I feel like you've created the upset by making it into something it isn't. Perhaps that's because it holds wider significance for you because you're worried there's something else going on than standard 7yo behaviour.

I would definitely look at smaller or one to one classes anyway.

I told her what the teacher had said, and I said that if the teacher was working hard to teach them then it wasn’t kind to make things more difficult for her.

But you think she had adhd? So she's not doing it on purpose to be unkind?

You were pretty brutal tbh

She's 6 years old and trying to cope with all the demands of school as well as swimming lessons. I wouldn't worry about it. The email doesn't sound like she was being naughty just like a swimming teacher covering their back so that if she doesn't move up at Christmas then you can't say he didn't let you know. Let her go at her own pace, if it takes longer than a few months so be it. I have never had feed back like that from swimming lessons and my dd is also easily distracted and was slow to progress. She is now 12 and swims for a club.

They want me to “speak to her to make sure she gets the most out of her swimming lessons” and moves into the next group after Christmas. I did, and she cried for an hour, and we have all gone to bed upset.

Blimey what did you say? You only had to ask her how she felt her lessons were going and if she was enjoying it and then mention that she would be moving up and that she has to remember to pay attention because the pool can be dangerous place if the children aren’t all listening to the teacher. Not single her out as a problem.

Nothing about your OP makes me think that she needs telling off.

If I received that message I’d have a tendency to jump to the conclusion that the sender is themselves ND and wasn’t spoken to kindly about their own differences and are repeating those cycles. Your daughter deserves better. I’d take her swimming for fun and look at lessons when she’s able to concentrate, whether this is in the school holidays away from the demands of every day school or when she’s medicated.

This, your OP seems pretty clear and you acknowledge yourself how she behaves. They didn’t say she was interfering with others or behaving badly simply that lack of focus is hampering her progress and you could speak to her, not sure why you’re reading things that aren’t there. Why not reassure your daughter it’s ok and reply to explain you suspect ADHD. And that you’re not concerned about her progress you just see the lesson as fun

Why did you all go to bed upset? That must have been a very horrible telling off for a child to cry for an hour.

I would not have told her off at all as a result of the letter. (I would however, tell her off for ducking other children under the water as that's incredibly dangerous)

The letter was laying out the facts for you as you are paying for lessons and there’s not much to show for it in terms of improvement. Your child isn’t good at listening and focusing on what she needs to do to improve. You already knew that from your own experience at home and from school.
So why have the expectation that she can suddenly transform herself into a model student in swimming lessons, especially when you have already had need to speak to her about her concentration.

Honestly OP, I would stop paying for lessons and take her swimming yourself if you can. Have fun in the pool with her and try to develop her listening skills and concentration yourself, little by little, step by step, - at the same time as making sure she is safe in the water.

Telling her off won’t help. She needs input from you and time and a bit of structure to help her learn to focus more and for longer. Even if she has ADHD, she will still need that investment from you in terms of helping her to achieve.

I do think the email meant exactly what it said and you've read a whole lot more stuff into it and (by the sound of it) gone in all guns blazing on your poor dd. You possibly owe her an apology.

She's persistently not focusing and they've asked you to see if you can tackle it. She's not a delinquent. And (sorry) what a strange approach to say she's 'not been kind' to the swimming teacher. 'Kindness' is held up as such a high value for children these days (especially for girls, and partly misguidedly in that context) that it's no wonder she was so upset.

I’m wondering whether I should try to get her some individual lessons

I was going to suggest this. I think there can be quite a bit of waiting around during swimming classes at that age.It doesn’t sound like she’s thriving in this class.

This is insightful. I was wondering whether it's the fact of having been sent an email about her, not the email itself, that's rattled you.

This.

I don't know about the swimming but if you think your daughter has ADHD I would refer her now waiting list are very long and were I am children can be diagnosed from age 7.

Sorry to be blunt but I think you have massively overreacted to a perfectly neutral, informative, factual email. Nowhere does it suggest your DD has been naughty, you have added that interpretation in yourself and blown this out of all proportion. I think you need to apologise to your daughter and then think about why you have taken this so personally.

I’d read it as they’re telling you you’re now wasting your money (if indeed these are paid for lessons).

There's a huge disconnect between the content of the email and how your DD has reacted to what you've said to her. You've misinterpreted it and come down like a ton of bricks on the poor kid. She thinks she's been horrible because of your poor choice of words. And now you're asking MN what the email meant.

Wow! She isn't being unkind, she's struggling to concentrate. Putting the weight of the teachers feelings and performance on her is a bit much.

People with ADHD tend to have poor self esteem because they spend their lives being told they are useless or naughty or lazy for things they can't help. If you suspect ADHD don't be telling her she's unkind and that's she's responsible for things which are nothing to do with her, no wonder she's been crying for an hour!

I don't understand why you think she is being naughty. They are giving you the heads up that she struggles with listening and attention, which you already know, and that she'll struggle in the next group if she can't stay focused.
They are asking you, to tell DD, to try and stay focused, and to try and listen to instructions, which of course if she has ADHD, she'll struggle with instructions, because her brain is a busy place making it hard for her to focus.
The messy swimming, is most likely down to her struggling to follow the instruction of keeping arms in the water (or whatever) so she's wasting energy by splashing, and reducing her efficiency in the water.
They clearly think she has potential, but she isnt reaching it yet, due to her finding it difficult to carry out instructions. This isn't about being naughty, lacking focus doesn't equate to naughtiness.
I wonder if they would keep her down her group if she's not making the necessary progress, so again they are giving you the heads up, so it doesn't come as a shock / disappointment that she hasn't mastered the technique to move groups?
1:1 swimming might be better for your dd at this stage. Swimming should be for fun and learning about being safe in the water, it sounds as if the group she is in, is quite competitive? Maybe hoik her out and have a term of 1:1 lessons, before going back into the main group?

Do you think this email has touched a nerve and you’ve overreacted in the way you have spoken to your daughter about it, to make her cry for an hour and made all of you upset?

You say you’ve seen her ‘daydream to the extreme’ in a previous swim lesson and already raised concerns with the school. If you think your daughter has ADHD then get her on the list for assessment. You may be able to self-refer.

In the meantime, I agree that 1:1 lessons sound more suitable for her.

In order for education to be effective, parents and teachers need to have clear, open and honest communication and work as a team to support one another, and reinforce important ideas, lessons and decisions. The teacher merely asked you to communicate with your child, presumably to back up something that they, themselves, have said to her. This is totally reasonable and professional of the teacher and indicates a genuine concern for your daughter and her progress. Just because you ‘can’t get worked up’ about her messy technique, doesn’t mean thag the teacher shouldn’t care, or that she is wrong to talk with you! It’s her duty to care and to do all she can to help your daughter. Unless you’ve not mentioned, at no point did she ask you to tell off the child.

Did you ‘tell her off’ because that’s not what the email said or even implied. If you told her off no wonder she was upset.
I have inattentive adhd please don’t tell her off - look for positive strategies that help her

I think it sounds like your DD is making great progress in swimming for a 7 year old. People saying she needs 1-2-1 lessons.... crazy .... clearly she can participate in group lessons because she's done well until now.
It's a new class and perhaps the new teacher has a different approach / less patience / gives more feedback / wants the kids to progress fast. Personally I think the email was a bit OTT and a brief conversation would be better so you could have asked exactly what you're wondering here.... is she disruptive (not ok) or daydreaming (not so serious, just gentle reminders at start of every class)
I think what you said wasn't that dramatic and if your chikd cried for an hour either she's overly sensitive or you framed it as "a very bad thing". I suggest that you don't mention it again until just before the next lesson, give her a big hug, say you know she's great at swimming and that it's hard to concentrate all the time but she's going to try her best and you will be very proud of her. And then just get ready in an upbeat way.

Gosh, things have moved on since my DC did swimming lessons 20 years ago! We were allowed to watch so we could see what was going on and the teacher spoke to us at the end (no emails!) if needed.

When my DS wasn’t concentrating in his lessons, he was bored. I moved him to a different swim school and the problems disappeared.

Move your DD to somewhere you can watch annd see what is going on, and possibly try 1:1 lessons if she hasn’t learned yet despite having had a lot of group lessons.

You’ve landed on the dedicated teacher who thinks she needs to help coach every child to be Phelps - I always admire the very dedicated coaches like this - OR she is concerned your DD won’t move up with her class after Xmas.
Either way it’s an unusual message but nothing bad about it. But it sounds like you’re upset, now DD is upset and it’s a bit OOO for everyone to have gone to bed upset! I would have approach it in a lightweight fun way.
This morning just compare the feedback to her school teacher telling her to concentrate to stay within the lines and that it’s just feedback. Be lightweight and fun about it - she’s picking up her cues from you.