How would you read this email from the swimming teacher?

[Overwhelmedandout]

DD (just turned 7, starting Y2) has moved into a new group at swimming and has a new teacher. DD’s not terrible - can swim a couple of lengths, etc.

She has always had issues with concentration. I have suspected for some time that she might have ADHD but her teachers, while commenting on her lack of concentration, seem to think that she’s too young to be able to draw an accurate conclusion.

This evening, completely out of the blue, I’ve had an email from the head of the swimming school, stating that:

“[Teacher] says that [DD] is very capable but because she lacks focus, and doesn’t always listen, she isn’t refining her technique, and her stroke can be quite messy.”

They want me to “speak to her to make sure she gets the most out of her swimming lessons” and moves into the next group after Christmas. I did, and she cried for an hour, and we have all gone to bed upset.

I figured that she must have been pretty naughty for them to send this kind of email. I’ve definitely never had one before, in years of lessons for the DC. Would you read this as “she’s causing chaos in the lesson / setting fire to the other kids” or “she’s daydreaming and isn’t improving her technique”? If it’s the former then fair enough, and she deserves a telling off. If it’s the latter… well, to be honest, I can’t get all upset about a Y2 child having a messy swimming stroke/ if she doesn’t move up a group in four months. But it must have been quite bad, surely - it would be insane to send me a random email telling me that a 7 year old’s swimming stroke is messy and I must tell her off for it?!

Would you prefer her to continue not listening and get little out of the lessons? The instructor and company still get paid at the end of the week. No skin off their nose if she does not improve.

Asking you to mention paying more attention is not telling her off.

As a slight aside, if school are flagging issues I would consider going forward for an ADHD assessment at this point. If her concentration is seriously impeding her ability to learn swimming surely it's impacting her education?
NHS waiting lists can be very long, about 2-3 years for children and 4.5 years for adults in my part of the country. I would definitely want to get to the bottom of what's going on before later primary school and especially before the transition to high school.

It's just an assessment, not a guaranteed diagnosis.

I have a similar child OP. Sometimes I don't actually know what exactly people expect me to do or say to her. I'm firm, I call her out on it when her behaviour is unacceptable, I threaten to (and do) remove her from lessons if she's really not engaged. I've come to the conclusion that I can't force her to do anything so all I can do is make sure there's consequences to concentrating and not concentrating and try and make the best environments to help her both at school and home. Tbh at least your swim school cares enough to give you feedback. My 6YO spent over18 months in stage 2 and the teacher couldn't have cared less. I was about to remove her a few weeks ago when she was randomly moved to stage 3 where she seems to be doing better. In her dancing lessons they seem to fleet between challenging me and telling me I'm wasting my money in front of all the other parents and then rolling their eyes at me when I dare to ask how she's doing. You have to grow thick skin, be actively observing how your child is doing, be their advocate if needed and be their judge jury and executioner if needed. I don't think there was any need for a 7 year old to be going to bed in tears though over what a swimming instructor said. A simple 'you need to learn to swim darling and not concentrating will mean you're just stuck in the same lessons for longer and can't do other fun stuff' would have been fine.

This seems like such a big reaction to a simple little email saying it would be good if your daughter could focus a bit more. It almost sounds like you’re astounded that they’ve noticed she’s there and know who she is.
Isn’t it dangerous if they barely know the children’s names and they’re supposed to be teaching them swimming?

There was a boy in my DS’s swimming class that just used to mess around all the time ducking underwater / throwing floats around etc. In the end it made the lessons completely pointless so we moved. Might be worth thinking about 1-2-1s?

OP I would move her to a normal swim school where you can watch the lessons so you can see for yourself what’s going on.

Does she enjoy going swimming? If not, stop going.

But you weren't told to tell her off-I hope you didn't!

What an odd response.

Kids need to learn to swim properly is a perfectly reasonable belief for parents to have.

I would try 1:1 lessons. One of my dc had difficulty with co-ordination and would not perfect the strokes, couldn't hear what the teacher was saying all the time, I could see that others were progressing faster as they were all much smaller. Also because dc wasn't progressing the water was really shallow which then made it harder to swim.

Got a private teacher I said that we weren't too interested in the precise strokes or progression through grades, more safety and enjoyment. Within a few lessons dc was swimming widths and then lengths. Still not elegant, but functional.

I worked out that although more expensive it wasn't more expensive for the time swimming because they would take turns to swim in the group lessons. Say if the group lessons were £6 a week for 30 minutes, each child would only swim for about 5 minutes because they took turns so the teacher could watch them. The private lessons were £30 a week but that was 30 minutes of swimming/skills so actually a similar/cheaper cost but more confidence building for that particular dc (my other dc progressed fine in the group lessons).

I think it’s probably more that they are worried you might be disappointed with the progress. I didn’t see they said to be cross with her, just to speak to her.

That said, it does sound like group lessons isn’t the way forward. I’d use the email as an excuse to see if you can put the money toward a couple of individual lessons instead. You’ll soon see how much of a bother she is to the class by how accommodating they are of that idea.

Ad a final point I’d say if she does have adhd issues, it’s probably better not to do pop her in too many structured situations like this until she gets support for that: it isn’t her fault and I feel a bit sorry for her that she got upset.

Thank you everyone for the feedback - I do take it on board and I will speak to DD this morning and apologise.

i am smiling slightly at all the “just speak to her and tell her to concentrate a bit more” responses. Indeed. I’ve been doing this for years - that’s how I’ve ended up worried that she has ADHD…

Yes, and this op.

There is such pressure on children these days to be “ achieving” and mostly they would be far better off ( developmentally) to having a bit of self-directed creative play.

@Teateaandmoretea "What an odd response.

Kids need to learn to swim properly is a perfectly reasonable belief for parents to have"

She can swim two lengths. She doesn't need technique-she's only 7. If she's not enjoying it and it's knocking her confidence why carry on? She can always start again later.

My DD’s always been similar tbh. When she was younger swimming was one of the only extra curriculars she would engage with. She still swims and at 12 is county level.

I still get coaches moaning about her now - some expect kids to be robots and they aren’t. I make sure I watch as much as possible, so that way I can praise her for what she does well as well as encouraging her re: what needs to improve. Honestly watching is massively helpful.

Yes but lots of things come quickly once the child is more ready.

2 lengths is a very basic level. Kids who give up lessons don’t start again.

If ADHD is a possibility she may be very sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism. She may also already be aware that she struggles compared to others without understanding why. I wish we had known this earlier with DS and looked at ways to help him. He knew he couldn’t concentrate but speaking to him about it would have no effect because he can’t help the way he is. A smaller, quieter lesson might work better for her and help build her confidence.

The lengths will increase naturally with her strength as she grows. Not many adults who can swim can only swim two lengths .

I think what they are saying is she's not making any improvement so she needs to either try harder in lessons or perhaps you need to rest formal lessons for at least now. She may also be chatting and distracting others though it doesn't say that but reading between the lines something is definitely not right

FWIW, DS, a similar age, has a similar profile. He can concentrate, but you can see him concentrating on concentrating if that makes sense. He‘s got his first swimming badge (25 metres), but is not a consistent swimmer because the technique just isn’t there. In all his many sports he‘s very much in the moment: in football he‘s fast and knows exactly where the ball is, but doesn’t have the technique of the other children. He‘s excellent at dodging in judo, but isn’t focused enough to throw effectively, especially if partner is bigger.

He‘s only had private swimming lessons, purely because we live two streets from an amazing swimming teacher with a pool in her garden, she had space, the groups 10km away didn’t. This was probably the best approach for him, and after the five he had last year, I‘ve booked him 1 for the Autumn to work on technique.

For you: if you‘re happy for DD to take ‚longer‘, why not?

If it is ADHD, it can also have advantages and skills that NT don’t have. It’s learning to play to those strengths and understand the way your brain works so you know it’s not you at fault, and teaching is often to the average - and ADHD isn’t average. For DS, I‘m currently assuming there is a mild form there, we may need to do something about it when he‘s about 12 and puberty hits, but as in my country neurodiversity is only picked up on if very strong, giving him techniques and affirmations to appreciate his brain and his skills. We also talk about the process of learning and different learning styles (school here is rigid). He and I have worked out ways to motivate him through 2 pages of homework every day. We encourage his creativity, his energy (lots of sport) and find ways of engaging his quick brain and developing his interests. These techniques will help him far more in life than making him fit in - even though we also talk about how to behave in a group so that others can learn, which I think he‘s got. We talk about the importance of being kind: and if he gets restless after an hour of writing sums at school and the teacher says something, well as long as he wasn’t unkind I couldn’t care less.

@Teateaandmoretea "
2 lengths is a very basic level. Kids who give up lessons don’t start again"

Why does she need more? Having your confidence knocked by unsympathetic teachers are likely to struggle with learning other things.

So what if they don't? One of my dds hates swimming, she does a few lessons a year with her school and that's it, she's never going to be a swimmer and that's OK

I’d read that as “she’s daydreaming and isn’t improving her technique” it’s sad that however you spoke to her about it you clearly upset her though. It’s not worth getting upset about.

I was like this as a child, found swimming hard to learn as it involves a lot of concentration and multi tasking in a noisy environment. She might benefit from private lessons ? Or maybe it’s ok if she just knows the basics of swimming and tries something else?

I got diagnosed with adhd in my 30’s after decades of people telling me I was lazy, unfocused, ditsy etc. I am now studying for my doctorate so can’t be that bad. Don’t let people define your child, she will do great at what motivates her.