Everyone's offended, who's right?

[Undercoverstory]

Or maybe they all have their point?

DSis's eldest son is seriously ill. They're facing several months of grueling medical treatment, obviously having an impact on all of her family.

School mums where her DC go have been brilliant. Offering lots of casseroles, babysitting, moral and financial support. DSis and BIL have always directed offers of financial help to the associated charity for the condition.

Despite this school mums have organised a collection, so they can go on holiday once it's all over.

My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.

DSis is upset they didn't listen and is insisting all the donations are returned to the givers - she wants it to be very clear it wasn't accepted. Not least because they're just back from a holiday and thinks it will look awful that people have been asked to donate for something they can clearly afford.

Organising mums are upset that their well meant gesture hasn't been accepted and not happy at the work (and embarrassment?) involved in returning the donations. They want to pass the money on to the charity. DSis feels strongly it needs to be returned and people told individually it wasn't needed or accepted.

Maybe thank all of the people who have donated. Sayhow appreciative you are and, in light of your DF offering to pay for a holiday, you will donate the money raised to X charity related to your DCs illness?

“My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.”

sorry, slightly confused by this sentence.

Regarding the holiday collection, I can see both sides. Dsis are embarrassed by the kind (un-asked for) holiday gesture, and friends are embarrassed by the gift refusal. (Plus the practicalities if returning the money). If I were her, I would donate the money for a charity that provides holidays to families in similar situations.

Isn’t there another thread whereby someone had a gift returned. This is similar, but on a larger scale. A well meaning gesture (the gift) has been rejected.

Your Dsis may have cause to regret her decisions.

If school mums have rallied round and helped, and she rejects like this they are going to be very very upset.

She may find that if/when she needs help in the future - even just swopping lifts or a lift rota - they won't help.

I can understand your Dsis's position but so wouldn't be pissing off my support network right now.

The dad is just silly.

Why wouldn’t she smile and accept the donation, then donate to the charity related to her child’s illness? I think the school mums would have been slightly less offended. I don’t know how the people who donated would feel about this though. Tricky one.

I totally get where your DSis is coming from. People are kind and want to help but when you are already feeling vulnerable it's disempowering and frankly embarrassing to be treated like this, no matter how well meaning the gesture is.

Although presumably the holiday money was a surprise which your sister wasn't aware of until it was handed over?

Well your dad is being absolutely ridiculous and pathetic for being furious.

The organisers and people who donated where very kind but should have told your sister what they were planning considering she had never excepted donations before.

@Octavia64

”Your Dsis may have cause to regret her decisions.”

That thought passed my mind also.

Because she wants all the givers to know it wasn't asked for or accepted.

She's worried that the two organisers may have been a bit heavy handed in their methods - we all know how hard it is to refuse to donate to the class collection, and that people will have given because they felt obliged, at the same time as thinking bloody cheek, they've just been on a better holiday than us.

Obviously they're facing many challenges, but financial hardship isn't one, and that will be obvious to anyone seeing the way they live.

Because she doesn’t want to look as if she’s gone on another holiday on someone else’s dime? Because she’s been very clear all along that donations go to the charity associated with the illness, not to the family? Because they can afford their own holidays, and think it’s a better use of collected funds to go towards the associated charity, research, treatment, support for people with the condition? Because she’s suffering through watching her child endure a serious illness and gruelling treatment, and this is one extra complication she really didn’t need because she’s at breaking point from trying to stay strong and keep up everyone’s spirits? Because she’s dealing with a life-threatening illness in her child, something she has zero control over, and she’s frustrated her friends didn’t listen and override her wishes?

Look, OP, the friends clearly meant well, but surely they can see why this didn’t land as they’d intended it?

Your dad, or the father of their children? Like a PP you may have missed out a word in the sentence and I’m not sure whether it is your dad that will need to step up?

Yes. I knew about it, as I had been asked to donate, so I did give Dsis a heads up as they were planning to present at a party and I knew how Dsis would feel. So they did have time to think about their response, but officially it was a surprise until the public presentation.

My (and Dsis) dad. He thinks it insults "the family" that they think help was needed and not provided by the family (him).

Your sister is in the right. She had already made it clear they don't need financial help. The school mums have chosen to ignore this and it could be seen as them wanting to feel good about themselves, rather than doing something to support the family. They've given her something to stress and worry about at a time when she really doesn't need it.

If this was my sister I would offer to take over communication about the collection and politely remind the school mums that money is not needed, friendship is. It might be embarrassing for them, but tough shit really.

No one is in the wrong and hurt feelings should be tempered with understanding. Everyone wants to do the right thing, they just disagree about what that it.

Your sister is right to be concerned. Well meaning collections are often used against the recipient when relations go sour.

a friend of mine had a very premature baby and a collection was arranged amongst the local community, in the end about £750 was raised.

my friend had reservations about accepting the money. But she was assured that it was given in good faith as her DH was self employed and was losing a lot of work while forking out for hospital car park charges, and they all just wanted help, the money was hers to spend as she chose, whatever they needed to get through while DC was critical.

of course they proceeded to act as though they had bought shares in a racehorse, demanding updates on baby’s condition and remarking that it was funny how the parents were buying takeaway food with the money…!

Your dad is being ridiculous and needs to get over himself. This is a whole other stress that your sister doesn’t need.

I can completely see your sister’s POV and would similarly be very unwilling to accept a financial donation for a family holiday. Best course I think would to contact everyone and strongly emphasise “how very kind it was of everyone, how the support with meals, practical time, etc has been and continues to be invaluable and how lucky and loved they are to have such wonderful friends”. Then say to them all that “we are lucky that we are not suffering financially from this, but we know many others in our situation are. We understand that you’ve been hugely generous with monetary donations and we really aren’t able to accept these personally, but if anyone who has donated would be willing for us to send this to x charity so we can support others going through this crisis, we will do so - otherwise please do keep your donations or send to another charity of your choice”.

People love to help and some particularly like to feel needed and necessary. It was not really ok for people to be collecting donations like this on the family’s behalf, no matter how well meaning (it’s not insulting the family patriarch though!).

Is there any way your sister can get in touch publicly with the majority of the donors (luke and whatsapp group chat for example) or maybe the school newsletter)?

Then a message like

"I would like to thank everyone for their generosity and support during the fundraising. I am touched so many of you contributed, particularly during a cost of living crisis. However, our stance on monetary donations hasn't changed so the money will go to X charity. I understand this wasn't the reason people had in mind when donating, so if anyone would like their money back please contact Suzie and Charlene for a refund. I deeply appreciate all the time and effort you have put in to support our family during this trying time. Thank you, DS".

I can see your sisters point. I donated to something similar at DS's school and I think I would have raised my eyebrows a bit at helping to pay for a holiday when they had just come back from one. It sounds like a few "Alpha Mums" want to make a grand gesture.
As for your Dad he sounds like he is making it about him and he should can it

Your dad is being ridiculous and needs to get over himself. This is a whole other stress that your sister doesn’t need

He is being ridiculous, but this is affecting him horribly too. Watching his little girl (Dsis) and his beloved GC suffer has been really hard for him, and money is the one thing he can offer that might help. He's offered as much as they need for overseas treatments if there's anything that can help.

DF needs to get over himself. DSis should save the money for kiddo when he is finished with his medical treatment.

Trovle is DSis doesn't know who's donated (and I suspect neither do the organisers)

Perfect answer.

There is also a charity for holidays for families with disabled children I believe.

Not everyone wants holidays etc. This family don’t. People offering to help might be better finding out what sort of help might be welcomed.

That might be the answer?

Your sister needs to be gracious and accept it. She can do with the funds as she wishes but this is time to smile nicely and say thank you everyone.