Everyone's offended, who's right?

[Undercoverstory]

Or maybe they all have their point?

DSis's eldest son is seriously ill. They're facing several months of grueling medical treatment, obviously having an impact on all of her family.

School mums where her DC go have been brilliant. Offering lots of casseroles, babysitting, moral and financial support. DSis and BIL have always directed offers of financial help to the associated charity for the condition.

Despite this school mums have organised a collection, so they can go on holiday once it's all over.

My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.

DSis is upset they didn't listen and is insisting all the donations are returned to the givers - she wants it to be very clear it wasn't accepted. Not least because they're just back from a holiday and thinks it will look awful that people have been asked to donate for something they can clearly afford.

Organising mums are upset that their well meant gesture hasn't been accepted and not happy at the work (and embarrassment?) involved in returning the donations. They want to pass the money on to the charity. DSis feels strongly it needs to be returned and people told individually it wasn't needed or accepted.

I fully understand your sister. It's very kind and I'm sure she appreciates the kindness hugely but a)it has created the awkwardness around the holiday accepting money etc and b) it has created a mental and administrative load which she could massively do without.

She shouldn't just accept the money and donate if she is more comfortable returning it.

Can you help with this? It will take a bit of diplomacy and you might be able to share some of the work.

The school mum meant extremely well but shouldn't have forged ahead. A holiday is a huge expense and a lot of people wouldn't want to accept such a big thing.

You/sis/ family member should approach school mum first and thank her profusely but be firm that Dsis has had a self funded holiday and whilst the sacrifice and intention is very moving, the family is not comfortable accepting such a large financial gift especially when they've just paid for their own. I would invite her into the loop so she doesn't feel cold shouldered and to help make a united message which should help smooth the next steps.

Next send out a message of thanks to all donors saying how grateful you are and how much the community's support has meant however you are in a position to fund a holiday yourselves so would prefer to use the donations for the charity rather than for this purpose although you are overwhelmed with gratitude.

You would like to offer two options. You will gladly return any donations with thanks if the donor wished to contribute specifically for this purpose. Any funds remaining can go to the charity which has been a huge help. Responses by XX date please and of course these will remain private. School mum can administrate this. I would be exquisitely polite but firm with her on ensuring people have the choice.

She has overstepped with the best of intentions and I think your family are well within your rights to politely put this right. Go about this openly and appreciatively and it will be fine.

Yes but if people donated for a holiday specifically they might be a bit miffed if the money is spent on anything else.
I donated to help send a child overseas for treatment as our school so if the money was used for something else I might think it was a bit off

First - sorry for sounding harsh when I said your DF was being ridiculous. It wasn’t taking enough account of the pain and stress he’s going through seeing his daughter and grandchild so ill. I guess I just mean that it’s not helpful to your sister to have him angry and being offended when she’s already trying to deal with it.

And yes the lack of knowing where it came from makes it hard. Sounds like the organisers can’t give it back easily - so much as it would be the best solution, your sister can’t insist on that, as it just can’t be done. Could your sister put something on her fb page with a general note to be shared, and give the organising mums a visual note they can share around, that helps them save face? Something like I said above, plus “we will be donating to charity x in 3 months time, but if you would prefer to have your donation back please get in touch [with organising mums]”.

Your poor sister shouldn’t be having to worry about other people’s hurt feelings at the moment, but it’s hard to get out of this one, and some flexibility will help.

What a muddle. People donated because they wanted. Now nobody is happy. It's going to be difficult to remedy the situation to the satisfaction of everyone involved without hurt feelings. I would be mortified if my donation was returned.

I really doubt many people will want their money back, they'll most likely be happy to donate the same amount to charity especially if you say how helpful they've been. It just gives them the option and keeps it transparent so I wouldn't worry too far ahead about proving who donated what.

I honestly wouldn't keep money donated locally and not spend it on the intended purpose.

Reassure your dad they meant well, it's not about him.

I don’t think your sister is being unreasonable, I would be embarrassed as well if people did this for me. She has already told them to donate to charity in the past so they massively overstepped in asking people to donate in the first place. I think it’s their problem to solve and not something that your sister needs to be worried about when she has enough on her plate.

Agree with pp who mentioned “alpha mums”. It sounds like donations - for a holiday of all things- were suggested by someone who is likely a bossy figure and I’m the type who would have said “that’s a mad idea” but many others would just go along with the suggestion for a quiet life. I’m guessing the person at the head of this is quite well off.

I would agree that accepting the money is probably the most peaceful way forward though. I once had a very well off friend who had a similar situation except that was for a lady who was ill herself and for whom the money was unnecessary but it was almost like a group of rich folk who weren’t going to give any practical support (which this lady would have appreciated) so they just found it easier to give money. The friend I knew felt it was a bad idea for many reasons but no one listened.

it’s not something I can relate to as the group were all wealthy. I know there was fallout because the ill lady was a very long way off being able to go away and didn’t want or need the money.

I suspect that the person or people who started this just wanted to be seen as amazing and they will be angry if the gesture is rejected - which might be their perception even with money going to a charity.

Being ungracious- never appreciated by anyone.
The donors are happy, they wanted to help. No harm done.

No one is undeserving of support. Some people give £ because can’t make a casserole!

Yes I’m on you sisters side here. When my husband was terminall ill we had people collecting for donations to Disney (paris). Which was silly I mean he could hardly string a sentence together by this point. And then when he had gone we had fundraisers for us. The sentiment is nice but for me it’s the assumption that you need that financial help- kinda stings and suddenly your financial situation is all over social media.

I can understand your sister’s position. However, it was kindly meant. She could donate it to a charity supporting respite breaks or holidays for families with ill children, which honours the spirit of the gift without making her uncomfortable.

I feel a little bit sorry for the organisers - they definitely overstepped but they wanted to do a kind thing for a family going through adversity. Very embarrassing for everyone to (attempt to) hand it back. They must feel awful and their hearts were kind.

Your dad is being daft, seeing this as an implication The Family aren’t well supported. His ego is in the way; understandable when he’s also on edge and worried, but not terribly helpful.

When someone takes you out for a nice meal, you don’t assume they think you’re unable to feed yourself, right? You see it as a nice treat they want to give you.

This holiday fund is the same - not that they think your sister and family can’t pay for it themselves, rather that they want to give a family they like and respect a nice treat after all they’ve been through.

True but

"Thank you all for your generous gift. We would like to take the opportunity to pay this forward to enable a family in a similar situation to enjoy this opportunity so have donated to (charity that provides holidays to children through social services). We thank you again but remind you/ask that support is moral support/childcare/insert suitable replacement here"

People like to help but also like to know they're helping properly. Throwing money is an easy win for many to feel virtuous without having to get their hands dirty, equally some people love the attention of being "generous" and organising these collections. Someone needs to be firm with the organising parties as well as the collective.

I can see your DS and DF point. They haven’t asked for this, indeed made it clear they don’t want or need it, but as normal, people think they know better and want the glory. If any of these mums throw it back in DSis face then that’s on them - all show, no real care.

This happened to one of my friend. What she did to the collection was to have her DD choose a piece of art work being sold by the hospital that was treating her, the proceed of which is donated to the same. That way, the money is being spent on her DD but the real beneficiary is the hospital that looked after her.

Legally (Assuming the terms of the fundraising was 'we're raising £££ to send Undercovers Sisters Family to the Bahamas for a month'.. and not 'we're raising £££ for Undercovers Sisters family to do what they like with'...) the money is either spent on the thing it was raised for so the item or goal or whatever... or it has to be returned.

The third option is to ASK donators if they mind it being used for another purpose, such as donation to a charity. In reality, that is an absolute twatbastard to organise because the responses will range from:

• Do what you like I don't care
• Yes donate to X charity
• Yes, but not that charity I don't like them
• No give it back thanks.

And that becomes an organisational nightmare.

The recipient (or the organisers) absolutely CANNOT simply give the money to a charity, or spend it on some other thing without asking every single donator.

I can fully understand why the recipient is unhappy at having money donated for something they don't need, that looks objectively, bad when you know they have already just had a holiday, and was probably achieved by being pretty bullish with people.

" People offering to help might be better finding out what sort of help"

As mum to a medically complicated DS, I couldn't agree

This isn't about your DSis though. It's about school mums wanting to do something to make themselves feel good. If they actually cared about your DSis they would have stopped. She told them she didn't want financial donations...so they carried on fundraising for a holiday? That's so unbelievable tbh - and demonstrates 100% that it was all about them and not about your Dsis at all.

I am firmly on your DSis side here. Tough luck for the organising mums - they did something that wasn't needed or wanted and something that was clearly going to go down like a bag of sick and all because they wanted to make themselves look and feel good.

@Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink I'm sorry about your husband.

I'm absolutely baffled that anyone thought of such a madly inappropriate thing. I genuinely cannot fathom the thought process there.

@Killingoffmyflowersonebyone it doesn't even make them good though, it makes them look thoughtless.

I think is the ideal approach to take.

I can see your sister's point to be honest.

I always think it's a bit galling when people ask for donations cos of a situation like this when it's clear they can afford it

I would thank the donors profusely and bank the money.

Then, when the child hopefully recovers, donate the money to the school for some equipment or co-curricular activities that all the donor’s children can benefit from.

This is very good.

In the gentlest possible way, your Dad needs to wind his neck in. This is not about him and this is not the time for him to worry about his wounded pride. I understand that it's a dreadfully difficult time but his offence is yet more for your DSis to shoulder.

This is the time where people actually need to listen to and respect her wishes and not make it about them. It isn't OP's sisters job to feed the school mums egos and make them feel better.

if the money is going to be presented to her at an event, can she not graciously accept but make it clear the money will be donated to the relevant charity?

Your Dad is being ridiculous, maybe understandably, but either way he needs to back off with his opinions that are not supportive.

Your sisters concerns are probably valid but people have tried to do a kind thing for her and it shouldn’t be thrown back in their faces. Your sister could accept the money and donate it to a charity connected to the cause or Make a Wish so that another sick child can go on holiday. Making a fuss and trying to get it given back to individuals is only going to cause problems.

1. this is nothing to do with your dad.
2. your DSis should have graciously received the gift and given the money to charity if she wanted to.

Giving a gift back is always rude.