Everyone's offended, who's right?

[Undercoverstory]

Or maybe they all have their point?

DSis's eldest son is seriously ill. They're facing several months of grueling medical treatment, obviously having an impact on all of her family.

School mums where her DC go have been brilliant. Offering lots of casseroles, babysitting, moral and financial support. DSis and BIL have always directed offers of financial help to the associated charity for the condition.

Despite this school mums have organised a collection, so they can go on holiday once it's all over.

My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.

DSis is upset they didn't listen and is insisting all the donations are returned to the givers - she wants it to be very clear it wasn't accepted. Not least because they're just back from a holiday and thinks it will look awful that people have been asked to donate for something they can clearly afford.

Organising mums are upset that their well meant gesture hasn't been accepted and not happy at the work (and embarrassment?) involved in returning the donations. They want to pass the money on to the charity. DSis feels strongly it needs to be returned and people told individually it wasn't needed or accepted.

Given that the organisers have acted without any discussion with the family, I'd say the organisers can take a running jump. They don't get to force a holiday on people who have other preoccupations.

Does money have to go on a holiday? Can you put the money in a savings account for the child for when older or spend it on an experience/special trip just for them or something they need after treatment (redecorating the child's bedroom or perhaps they need adjustments to the house to do with the illness). Then a thank you message to everyone.
Giving the money back would be a bit offensive I think.

Spending money raised for one specific purpose, on some other thing is potentially not legal (though I think a PP is right and that might only apply to charities)... but even if it is, its a really really bad idea, likely to cause future gossip, rumblings and trouble.

Bad idea. There's scope for it to be very badly received locally if she keeps the money or spends it on something else. She needs to ask ahead of time and offer the money back if people specifically wanted to contribute to a holiday.

Fine that she doesn't want to accept a holiday.

But she can't then just use the money for other purposes, even for the child. it's so easy for money to cause ill feeling locally when people aren't transparent, even if they didn't ask to be put in the position. She would be accepting money for a holiday, not savings or redecorating. There can be unforeseen reasons people may not want to contribute to quite innocuous sounding things. If she quietly uses it for other purposes, people are likely to see that as dishonest which is a position she never wanted or asked to be in. Transparency needs to be key.

However the organisers advertised and collected it, that's how they pass back on a message from Dsis to the people who donated.

• thank you everybody who contributed. We have been overwhelmed with support.
• we are terribly sorry, but we don't feel that it would be right for us to accept this money for a holiday. We have been very lucky to have been supported in the form of babysitting, having meals cooked for us, <insert other things> and we really value those things. They have helped us to cope with this horrible experience. The one thing that we can't honestly say that we need, is money. We are lucky that we are able to afford everything that we need, including holidays. We have just come back from Malta, for example, a holiday that we were able to afford without hardship, therefore it doesn't sit well with us to accept money for another holiday.

• We don't know who donated what, but we would like to suggest two options for the money gathered - that it is either returned to donors with thanks, as it will not be out to the use they donated it for and they should have the option fm to have it back, or donated to the X charity that we suggested earlier in the year.

• thank you everybody for your understanding in this matter, and for your support in the form of .... that has been wonderfully generous and helpful . You are all such kind people and we are very lucky to know you.

With love from the smith family.