Everyone's offended, who's right?

[Undercoverstory]

Or maybe they all have their point?

DSis's eldest son is seriously ill. They're facing several months of grueling medical treatment, obviously having an impact on all of her family.

School mums where her DC go have been brilliant. Offering lots of casseroles, babysitting, moral and financial support. DSis and BIL have always directed offers of financial help to the associated charity for the condition.

Despite this school mums have organised a collection, so they can go on holiday once it's all over.

My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.

DSis is upset they didn't listen and is insisting all the donations are returned to the givers - she wants it to be very clear it wasn't accepted. Not least because they're just back from a holiday and thinks it will look awful that people have been asked to donate for something they can clearly afford.

Organising mums are upset that their well meant gesture hasn't been accepted and not happy at the work (and embarrassment?) involved in returning the donations. They want to pass the money on to the charity. DSis feels strongly it needs to be returned and people told individually it wasn't needed or accepted.

This is part of DSis' concern. Either people who actually know her (DC's class mates) have given substantial sums, or the wider school/community population has been asked to donate to a "hardship fund" for a family that, whilst going through a horrible time, fairly obviously aren't hard up.

Just to defend my dad, he's only voiced this to me. He hasn't said anything to Dsis.

Correct if it was a charity. But this isn't a legal charity.

And consider, What if the son can't go on holiday? Does it need returning then? Or is it okay as long as sister goes on sone holiday at some point in future (then donates equivalent to a charity)

I would suggest you (if you can) find a family who cannot afford their own holiday and are going through a similar time, donate the money and then let everyone know that although thankful, they have donated to another family in need as they aren’t in financial need?

I would feel the same way as your DSis for the same reasons she’s given. There is probably a fair chance that some people felt pressured to give money, perhaps some that couldn’t really afford to but felt embarrassed to say no. That would have made me feel terrible.

It isn't your Dad's friends/acquaintances who have organised the donation and donated money and it's not his decision what to do about it. They sound like lovely people desperate to help a fellow Mum and I'm sure your sister can work out what she wants to happen next and how to deal with it. They won't be thinking about your sister's dad not providing - why on earth would they? Somebody needs to tell him kindly and firmly that it's not about him.

Is she thinking that not so well wishers will be muttering that she had a holiday so doesn’t need the money? We had that around here, people donated for someone but afterwards (when she got better) there was a bit of ‘what will happen to some of that money now, she didn’t totally need it all in the first place’. Horrible to have to even think about this stuff when they’re going through life challenging stuff!!

@Undercoverstory sorry, I meant to include your last post in this but can’t now

So you have no information about how the leaders went about this? If the total money was presented by the two people you mentioned, then hopefully they will be the only ones annoyed if your sister tries to return it or change the intended use.

they can’t be that nice as they’ve clearly gone against what your DSis said.

I can understand accepting donations for very costly medical care but not a holiday. I see your sister is financially comfortable. Someone else who might not be as well off might also be offended as they might not want to be seen as a poor charity case who is to be pitied.
I think the money should be returned, and everyone who donated to be personally thanked.
If not, donate the money to something the children will actually benefit from - an upgraded school garden, library, sports equipment, school tour etc

I think that happens every time there's a fundraising campaign for an individual or family?. People start questioning why so much was needed, or what happened to it.

"a madly inappropriate thing" would be posting excrement through their letterbox, not a whip round for a holiday

Shit. Cringe. Fwiw your dsis sounds absolutely to tactfully decline the money and give to a related charity. So embarrassing . She simply can’t accept it as far as I can see. As you say, no financial hardship etc

How is it not kind? It’s hardly a flaming bag of dog shit is it.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle so you think a whip round for a holiday is appropriate when someone is terminally ill? I mean if the person said they wanted it, that’s different, but the poster made it clear that wasn’t a possibility.

edit - are you also @Swissvisa?

After she received it.

Just because it was clumsy doesn’t mean it was made with bad intentions.

I don't see it as useless. When you've got a really sick kid and you don't know whether they'll survive to see next Christmas, you spend whatever you've got on making them happy and creating memories. And frankly, when you're consistently below the poverty line and you're in this situation, you all need something to look forward to and enjoy. I don't know what the child's illness is but, if it's cancer, you get 6 weeks between radiation and chemo. It's the ideal time to go for a break. It's also good to have something to look forward to after the worst hell on earth that is chemo for children. I appreciate this particular family don't need the money, but it was given freely by people who care. I still think the right thing to do is accept it and move on.

Er no. I haven’t actually seen the above posters message, but thanks for linking me in your own pointless and unhelpful contribution.

No, she'd previously told everyone who offered financial support that it wasn't needed or wanted, but a donation to the charity would be appreciated.

@C152 if the person is well enough to go, which can’t be assumed.

anyway, there’s clearly a planet of difference between me and people who can afford to fundraise this way, so I’ll bow out.

@Undercoverstory Wishing your family all the best.

Thing is though there is every chance her friends wanted her to have some fun as a present regardless of her financial situation.it would have been much easier to accept the gift graciously. Your dad isn’t helping here.

Two people using dog shit as a comparison puzzled me!

Yes, this is just silly.

An equivalent situation is someone walking up to me on Oxford Street, pressing an unasked for envelope in my hand and saying, I've just done a charitable collection for you to donate to The British Union of Fascists. I would be under the zero obligation to do so and there would be no legal remedy to force me to unless I was a willing participant and the funds had been collected by a registered charity.

OP, as someone who has had a seriously ill child who also endured months of gruelling treatment, financial need is not an issue for us, and I would have been mortified to accept anything like that. Particularly if donations had come from people less financially fortunate. I think your or your sister should very tactfully talk to the organisers and have them contact the donors telling them that while moral and practical support is very much appreciated, the money will be donated to charity (or the school) and if anyone would prefer to have their donations returned, please let them know.

I hope your nephew makes a fast and full recovery.

Financial support of course, but that’s not the same as the gift of a holiday, or at least I wouldn’t see it as the same and the organisers likely saw it differently too. It’s just a different perspective.

Dad hasn't done anything to help or not help. Neither DSis nor the donors know how he feels.

I will add that while everyone is different, when my child was very ill, the absolute last thing we were interested in was thinking about or planning a holiday. All we wanted was for all of us, but particularly her, to get back to normal life and routine as quickly and seamlessly as possible.