Everyone's offended, who's right?

[Undercoverstory]

Or maybe they all have their point?

DSis's eldest son is seriously ill. They're facing several months of grueling medical treatment, obviously having an impact on all of her family.

School mums where her DC go have been brilliant. Offering lots of casseroles, babysitting, moral and financial support. DSis and BIL have always directed offers of financial help to the associated charity for the condition.

Despite this school mums have organised a collection, so they can go on holiday once it's all over.

My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.

DSis is upset they didn't listen and is insisting all the donations are returned to the givers - she wants it to be very clear it wasn't accepted. Not least because they're just back from a holiday and thinks it will look awful that people have been asked to donate for something they can clearly afford.

Organising mums are upset that their well meant gesture hasn't been accepted and not happy at the work (and embarrassment?) involved in returning the donations. They want to pass the money on to the charity. DSis feels strongly it needs to be returned and people told individually it wasn't needed or accepted.

DSis is in a vulnerable state and has overthought the gift. No-one would be thinking she was in the wrong for taking a holiday when she could have afforded it herself, but it's caused her anxiety and the Mums should have listened to her wishes.

The Mums aren't bad people though, they just really wanted to do something useful and made a mistake.

Dad shouldn't be sticking his oar in and needs to pipe down imo.

DSis should take the money, thank the Mums and donate it to charity if that's her preference.

of course they proceeded to act as though they had bought shares in a racehorse, demanding updates on baby’s condition and remarking that it was funny how the parents were buying takeaway food with the money…!

Exactly this!
'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' springs to mind.

DSis should take the money, thank the Mums and donate it to charity if that's her preference

Why not do this openly, honestly and preemptively so people know what's happened to the donations beforehand? They haven't donated it for a charity, they've donated it for a holiday. Like it or not, she can't just accept the money for something else, even charitable. This risks people feeling missold and that's one of the things she's worried about. It's an extra step but ensures it's handled properly.

And there's still the issue that "people" know the money was collected for a family who don't need it.

Huh?

Honestly OP, it's work you didn't fancy especially your Sis but totally manageable and I think so many will get it and privately be thinking 'i didn't want to not contribute but I wouldn't have wanted to have a holiday paid for by the community '. It'll be fine. Just don't go down the 'least resistance ' approach that keeps coming up.

This thread kind of shows how people get in the pickles they do, by avoiding the tricky conversation when that's all it is.

Your dad is overreacting (but understandable with the stress and upset your family is going through).

I get where your sister is coming from but she should tell the other mums to donate the money to the charity or she will take it and then donate it herself instead of returning it to everyone who donated. If anyone has a problem with that they should take it up with the mums who asked for the donations, not your sister who obviously had no say in it.

The people who arranged the donations should've had more sense, you can't just go around raising big sums of money like that unless it's for a specific purpose and the money then actually goes to that, especially without asking first. It's common sense.

And they shouldn't be stressing your poor sister out when she has enough on her plate as it is.

Agree! This is the right response

Deleted because post on wrong thread

They should accept the gift with grace

Buy something lovely for the child and let them know its from their classmates

Lots of mentions of all sorts of people except the poor child who is ill. Put it aside for him, for a treat, or some equipment he’d like, or need, or some therapy or whatever. Donations were probably given for him, not the parents.

But the organisers have specified it’s to be used for a family holiday.

It doesn't sound practical to return individual donations. I think giving it to the school so they can do something nice for the students is a good option. I'm sure word would get around and I'd be surprised if anyone took offence.

TBH I think your poor sister has enough to deal with. She made her position clear and the school mums ignored her. It is absolutely fine for her to say ‘no thank you’ and then the school mums can do whatever they want with the money- give it back to the original people who donated or donate it to a charity. But it is their problem, not your sister’s.

I totally get where your sister is coming from. I'd be mortified if someone did this on my behalf.

I think the best option is to tell the organisers (or maybe do a Round Robin kind of thing) to tell everyone you appreciate the thought behind it, but you really don't need the money and therefore it will be donated to the charity you mentioned.

If anyone gets annoyed that they've donated to a well-off family, tbh that's on them. They're at the bottom of the list in terms of who I don't want to offend - because they shouldn't have donated if that was going to be an issue.

Wishing your nephew well @Undercoverstory.

It seems really nice to me that people have rallied round to help in many ways, and to contribute to a holiday.

I can understand your sister feeling uncomfortable about accepting the money and, obviously it is her right to decide not to. The message that NowImNotDoingit suggested seems very appropriate in that circumstance.

Demanding that the money be paid back to each individual will, I think, make people feel very uncomfortable and may possibly prevent them from offering any other sort of support.

This reminds me of two recent experiences I've had with colleagues/friends. The first was a dear collague who we sadly lost very suddenly to cancer, after her funeral we held a collection within the workplace to donate some money to her husband and their 3 children, so he could take them away for a night or two just so they could have a break to catch their breath after all the difficulty they had experienced.

More recently another colleague has been receiving intensive chemotherapy which has recently finished so again we had a collection to give her some money to allow her to 'mark' the occassion.

The point of me sharing these stories is that in neither situation did anyone donate money because we felt either family couldn't afford these things, it was just a kind gesture. It's nice to be nice.

Did either of them express that it was something they didn’t want and you went ahead anyway? If not, it isn’t the same thing.

Honest to goodness.

Can people not just accept a well-intentioned gift with good grace these days and enjoy it? It's not just about the money, it's about the break, the love, the care of others, the gesture of support.

Your DSis should just book a few days for the family in Centerparcs, and graciously thank everyone for their generous support, alongside explaining they have made a small donation to xyz charity.

If I'd been a bit pressurised into donating I'd want to know the family had at least had a nice time.

Then your DF can just pay for a repeat trip!!

Honestly!!

Hmmm. Or, your sister could remind the women who organised the whip round that she had already said she didn't want money and that she can't and won't accept it, but thanks for the thought. Then let them explain to the other mums what happened. Your sister has quite enough on her plate without having to worry about this no-doubt well-intention piece of interference. Some of the mums might have been stretched to donate and very relieved to get a refund. In their position I'd be annoyed to have the money go to charity when I gave it to pay for a child's holiday.

Why can’t people accept a mother who is going through hell right now saying no thank you, please donate instead?

It isn’t for the mother. It’s for themselves.

She is going through enough without people doing something she really didn’t want them to do.

its unkind to return donations - they can go to the charity.

But they don’t care if they ‘need’ it or not - they just want to do something. They want to help. The charity is a good option. They probably know the family is wealthy enough, that’s not the point.

I get people are trying to be kind but when it is 'we have decided this for you and you just have to accept it' becomes about them and not who they are trying to help

Isn't it better to ask the people involved first, this steamroller approach is not helpful

Why do their wants matter more than the person going through a hard time?