Everyone's offended, who's right?

[Undercoverstory]

Or maybe they all have their point?

DSis's eldest son is seriously ill. They're facing several months of grueling medical treatment, obviously having an impact on all of her family.

School mums where her DC go have been brilliant. Offering lots of casseroles, babysitting, moral and financial support. DSis and BIL have always directed offers of financial help to the associated charity for the condition.

Despite this school mums have organised a collection, so they can go on holiday once it's all over.

My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.

DSis is upset they didn't listen and is insisting all the donations are returned to the givers - she wants it to be very clear it wasn't accepted. Not least because they're just back from a holiday and thinks it will look awful that people have been asked to donate for something they can clearly afford.

Organising mums are upset that their well meant gesture hasn't been accepted and not happy at the work (and embarrassment?) involved in returning the donations. They want to pass the money on to the charity. DSis feels strongly it needs to be returned and people told individually it wasn't needed or accepted.

A nice thought and deed but unwanted. Donations could be given to charity just need to get everyone to agree.

Your sister is the only one in the right here.

Your dad is being ridiculous.

The women who did the collection, after your sister declined, are being a bit grief vampireish tbh.

The only acceptable thing to do when a family is struggling through a heath crisis like this is to listen to what they need and do that, not to take over and decide what's best.

I wish all the best for your nephew, and your family for the coming months 💐

I think this is a winning solution

such unnecessary drama for your poor sister & family, wishing your nephew well on his path to recovery x

yes \I think OP should be communicating about this, perhaps including forwarding a message from the Dsis.
Some of the suggested messages here sound a bit stuffy and formal though, so maybe adjust the tome slightly
I think setting a date for people to express a preference is a good idea
I agree that some of the motivation for the organisers may have been to feel good themselves, but OTOH people generally do want to help but maybe lack the imagination/time/skills to do that in the best way
so, I think its good to specifically mention what IS helpful and also what would be appreciated but is low effort eg
'I know Dsis has been so grateful for the times people have picked up sibling from school/made sure there was a cooked meal ready in the kitchen and of course knowing that you are all thinking and/or praying for them makes such a difference'

People don't like to feel like charity cases. Especially when they don't need or want it. It's humiliating. We often forget in these times of endless Go Fund Me and office collections that people can have their pride.

And with the "heavy-handed" comment, your sister may feel awful that those in a worse financial situation to her have been strong-armed into donating. It would be very hard to refuse.

I agree with the suggested wording posted above, and the suggestion that if possible, you take over communication with the organisers / school mums. Your sister should not have to be dealing with this right now.

It's tricky, I can definitely see where your sister is coming from. They should have asked before organising.
The money might be better spent getting HEPA filters in the classroom so that infectious illnesses would spread less there. The last thing a child with a serious medical issue needs is to catch a preventable infection at school.

I hope the treatment works and your DN will be ok.

People are just trying to help. It's not ideal they didn't listen to her but now it's done, she should accept it. Maybe use it to go somewhere her D's has always dreamed of?

"Dear everyone who donated,
We are so grateful for your support and are overwhelmed that you thought of donating to allow us a family holiday.

We don't feel comfortable taking such a gift from our friends, although we are so very grateful that you thought of us.
We have asked that everyone has the opportunity to get their donation returned. Please contact the organiser XYZ directly. Any money which isn't returned will be donated to ABC charity, to help other families going through EFG.
Again, thank you so much for your best wishes and donations.
Much love and gratitude
Your SiL"

This is perfect. It isnt being ungrateful and its acknowledging the generosity but it is also drawing a boundary about what the family are comfortable with.

If anyone gets offended by this they are an arse who weren't giving for the right reasons in the first place

Can't they send out an email via the fund they set up, presumably those donating even anonymously have to register.

I think there might be a platform fee though to return the money.

Your Dad is not helping matters. He needs to pipe down, I agree and understand with your sister.

I find this really difficult to read.
Some people find a serious illness and months of horrific treatment so stressful they just want to 'hunker down' with those closest to them and get on with it. Having your troubles played out on a big stage can be awful (this would be my absolute worst nightmare) and as well meaning as these people are being your DSis doesn't want it. Her needs and wants absolutely MUST be respected in this. Her child's life is under threat fgs - she shouldn't have to bloody care about Barbara who donated a tenner and how Babs might feel about it being returned.
Why do people not listen.
Sort it out OP and let your DSis get on with this most terrible time the way she wants to. Everyone else can frankly fuck off. It's not about them.

2 good examples above but definitely give a time limit for responses for those who want their money back.

I don’t know why your dad is sticking his nose in. He’s making this situation more stressful for your sister than it needs to be when she’s already having such a hard time. If these people want to give this gift to her then it’s up to your sister what she does with it surely? Even if she uses it to pay for a holiday that she could have afforded without the gift but then donates her own money that she would have spent in a holiday to charity.

This ^ is my understanding too.

If the donations were solicited for the purpose of funding a holiday for the DSis, BiL and their son, then legally that is what it must be spent on - nothing else.

The school mums who organised this were well out of order.

Can this be de-escalated?

Calm talk with DSis understanding that she doesn’t want this and why, but appreciating the kind intentions.

Calm talk by third party… you?… with organisers absolutely acknowledging (with gratitude) the kind intentions and generosity of donors but gently explaining that DSis really does not feel able to accept . And an offer of assistance to help give £ back to donors, with a gracious message that thanks them for their generosity but says pleas donate to xx charity if you would like to, and meanwhile the practical help with casseroles is hugely helpful.

And explain to your Dad that this isn’t his issue and it will be better in the long term, given that community support is important and valuable, if he stops stirring and agitating, and remind him to re-focus on supporting his grandson and daughter through DGS’ treatment and STFU about everything else.

I don't think so.

If the donations were solicited for the purpose of funding a holiday for the OP's nephew and his parents, that is what the money must be spent on

How much was raised. If it was small keep it or donate

This ^ might be the most pragmatic way forward

I’m not saying she accepts the money and then “pretends to go on holiday” happily with the proceeds. She could ask her sister to divert the money to the chosen charity and to maybe make a post detailing this. She could add that if people who donated aren’t in agreement with passing to such charity they have X amount of time to request it back.

This is what I think I’d do.

Having been in hospital for mental illness twice this year, not that I’m drawing attention to it, but because I know that volunteers work there and the staff work very hard, I’d donate this way.

This - People can really feel that they 'own' a share in the animal or child covered by the go fund me.
Donors can be incredibly kind and generous- and ironically it seems to be those who are 'better off' financially who benefit {Maybe as they know wealthier people?}

@Manxexile "If the donations were solicited for the purpose of funding a holiday for the DSis, BiL and their son, then legally that is what it must be spent on - nothing else."

is there a legal framework? I've never used or donated to a GoFundMe type thing but even then, I didn't think there were any legalities.

This is a good idea.

I think when people donate money they’re doing it to help and sometimes the least likely people donate a huge amount as a charity is close to their heart.

Of course it isn't rude to refuse a gift that you made very clear from the outset that you certainly didn't want.

On the contrary, it's insufferably rude of the person giving it in spite of your clearly stated wishes

(She's not allowed to give it to charity. It must be spent on what the donations were meant to fund - a holiday)

What about accepting the gift, keep hold of it then use it to fund a day trip for the whole class when she is well. It’s then a holiday for the child but with her friends