Everyone's offended, who's right?

[Undercoverstory]

Or maybe they all have their point?

DSis's eldest son is seriously ill. They're facing several months of grueling medical treatment, obviously having an impact on all of her family.

School mums where her DC go have been brilliant. Offering lots of casseroles, babysitting, moral and financial support. DSis and BIL have always directed offers of financial help to the associated charity for the condition.

Despite this school mums have organised a collection, so they can go on holiday once it's all over.

My Dad is furious at the suggestion that DSis might need support the family , I.e. him, is not providing.

DSis is upset they didn't listen and is insisting all the donations are returned to the givers - she wants it to be very clear it wasn't accepted. Not least because they're just back from a holiday and thinks it will look awful that people have been asked to donate for something they can clearly afford.

Organising mums are upset that their well meant gesture hasn't been accepted and not happy at the work (and embarrassment?) involved in returning the donations. They want to pass the money on to the charity. DSis feels strongly it needs to be returned and people told individually it wasn't needed or accepted.

I’d be mortified if I was your DSis! No doubt there will have been people genuinely struggling to afford a holiday who felt obligated to contribute.

Her friend’s made a well intended but ill judged gesture which has caused your DSis more stress rather than helping. I’d imagine them now being apologetic and embarrassed, not offended.

They should of course respect your DSis’s wishes and return the donations. A mass email or text saying thanking the donators for their generosity, explaining that they had misjudged the situation and the gift hadn’t been accepted and so donations would be returned, along with the link to the relevant charity should the donators wish to donate it there instead.

Then DSis should accept their apology graciously, acknowledge they were trying to do something kind and everyone should move on.

I agree with this. Shame really

It is very, very interesting to see how many pp feel that the feelings of the donors are more important than those of the seriously ill child's mother.

sorry forgot to quote you @Newbutoldfather in my post above

But it's not her sister's job to manage the feelings of the people who are allegedly trying to support her.

If they truly wanted to support her they would be asking her exactly what help is actually needed and wanted.

The bizarre trend for ‘crowd funding’ holidays, etc is getting out of had. This family can clearly afford to go on holiday (they have just returned from one). Why do people feel the need to do this? It just seems twee and patronising. I’d be appalled if I was in the sisters shoes.

In the interests of maintaining a potentially valuable support network, it's probably the time to respond with something like: "We're all overwhelmed by everyone's kindness and generosity - it means so much to us that you've thought of us at this difficult time. We understand that the collection was originally intended for a holiday, but in what's turned out to be a big coincidence, we've just been fortunate enough to be gifted a holiday by [insert relative]. So, if everyone would be ok, we'd like to use some of the gift for [something else] and donate the remaining money to [charity for the condition], to thank them for the priceless support they've given to us at this difficult time. We hope this is ok, and again, thank you all so much."

School parent support networks are valuable, so now's not the time to risk alienating them.

I think it's totally manageable with a lot of grace and humility and transparency (that the family of a sick child shouldn't have to expend on something they made clear they didn't want but here they are).

I think accepting a holiday could potentially have more cause for regret. Accepting money and not using it for a holiday more still. I don't know the legality (would the receiver be entering into some sort of contract?) but it sounds like it might be a bad idea on that front.

Sorry, I know I keep commenting, I'm just a bit surprised so many posters are saying just accept the money quietly. I know it would be a difficult thing to do but people will understand. There will be a lot of goodwill.

I think possibly the feelings of the donors are only important in a strategic sense, if them getting sniffy is likely to be worse for the parent in the long run (which she seems to be concerned about), and even then only important enough to justify a bit of tactful wording IMO, not any other special effort.

I know.

This poor family have been put into a situation beyond their control.

Now they can't even control people giving them help they don't need.

And they have to be strategic about rejecting the unwanted help for fear they may actually need some other type of support and people will be pissed off because others overrid their choice not to have financial help.

All while coming to terms with a diagnosis, treatment, and everything else that their chikd illness entails.

All because someone decided their need to fundraise was greater than a familys right to say "no thanks".

Is this a prep school thing? We had this at my son's prep school where a kid wasn't well (not particularly seriously) and someone decided to arrange a collection. Your sister's not wrong that it was a bit heavy-handed - lots of gushing and virtue-signalling. I don't mind being seen as a bit of a cow so I didn't donate, but I know others were embarrassed into it. However, everyone else was at least reasonably wealthy so while it was all a bit grotesque, there wasn't really any harm done and if I were your sister, I would just accept it in good faith. Could she do something different with the money that would benefit the school or the parents' group? Different if she feels like anyone was strong-armed into donating anything they couldn't actually afford.

Haven't read all replies but it's reasonable for your sister to refuse the donation. The two school mums should not have organised it. It's clear from OP that the family do not need money

The holiday gift wouldnt have been given with the families financial status in mind, it would have been meant as a thoughtful way to let the family know everyone is thinking of them and wishing them well.
I think DSis and DF are thinking too much of the monetary value here, when the givers were likely thinking purely of their own good/well wishes. DSis could be a millionaire and a similar rally be done, it was like each person gave a bunch of flowers, but instead they clubbed together so they could give something more substantial.

It was a gift of kindness, not charity.

Nobody is really wrong in this situation.

Dsis is free to accept or decline any gift, and I can completely understand her wishing this particular gift, hadn't been given in the first place.

The organiser's and people who have donated, just wanted to do something nice for a family that they know, who are going through something awful. It is a lovely idea to give something to the whole family. Maybe a compromise would be to have a nice weekend away and give the rest to the charity, once his treatment has finished. Letting people know how this particular charity have helped them ?

Your Dad, like all great Dad's, just wants to be able to swoop in and fix it all, knows that he can't and now has someone to direct his anger/sadness about the situation, at.

It wasn't kindness. They did it for themselves.

Dsis made it clear that it wasn't something she wanted.

The school mum crowd can be tough to break into but I think once you’re there it can be an amazing support network. One you piss off at your peril! Clearly parents want to treat this family going through a difficult time so the gracious thing is to accept the money but do something fairly modest with it that DS has chosen, write a lovely thank you message as to how much it meant to DS to have that treat from school friends and then donate the excess to charity or the school on behalf of the class.

The school mums were out of line for not following the request of your dear sis

they made it clear money was to go to the charity

Your Dad and Sis must know that a lot of families where one child is seriously ill, can barely afford fuel and food for hospital trips. While I get that aren't personally, to be offended by it is rather childish and very ungrateful. Surely your family can't be ignorant of the fact that many families of children with cancer struggle a great deal finically? Could your Sis thank everyone and say they don't need it, but they will donate it to other families? If the holidays thing is a big part, Make-A-Wish or similar would be grateful for the help, or the local hospital might have a fund maybe for kitting out parents' accommodation or for non-clinical areas of the children's cancer centre. I doubt that anyone would begrudge another/other less fortunate family benefitting from the money.

Her dad has no right to offended that her friends rallied around to be supportive. He sounds like he's being very self centred in all this.
I think the money should go to a charity agreed by everyone who donated plus your friend who's son is sick. And her dad should frankly use his energy in a more positive manner in this challenging time.

It is a difficult situation. Presumably people donated because they are aware that it is very often (not always) the case that having a critically ill child places immeasurable financial strain on a family and it's not uncommon for it to completely bankrupt them. Your father is being rude and paternalistic.

I can sort of understand your sister not wanting to be seen as taking advantage of people. But I think she behaved poorly. The right thing to do would have been to accept graciously and then if she wished to donate the funds, do so.

Could Dsis get the message out that she is incredibly grateful for the support. That actually she knows there will be times where emotional and practical support of her community will be essential in getting the family through, and she's touched to know that so many people have her families backs.

But at the moment she feels would like the incredibly kind and generous donations to be set aside for the future use of ALL the school community who may need help in the future, maybe managed by PTA as a seperate fund to help families whose children are affected by circumstances away from their control. If anyone feels that's not what they donated to, of course they just need to ask and will be reimbursed.

Edited: sometimes people donate £ because they wish you well and don't know how else to help. Perhaps your DF needs that pointed out - in a nice way, obviously!

@Swissvisa "It was a gift of kindness"

how is it a gift of kindness? I'm really baffled by this. Unless it's all connected to a "very rich people for whom holidays are as essential as toothpaste" thing.

@C152 if you're near bankruptcy then money for a holiday is useless?

in general...
i can imagine a family with one member very ill might not think about holidays for ages, as per the example I gave in my post.

and then if it's correct that the money "has" to be used on a holiday, what a ridiculous time - when someone is ill.

I notice a pp mentioned "holiday as gift" getting out of hand - but that's also I thing I wouldn't know, is it a thing?

I am completely flummoxed by all of it really.

I’d say this is absolutely zero business if your Dad’s. Why is he so invested? Is it a pride thing?

How much have people donated to send a whole family on holiday? It boggles the mind having that much free cash around!

It's up to your sister and her family what they do with the money kindly donated for their use (which obviously could include passing it on to a charity or returning it to the donors with thanks) but your dad should keep his beak out of it.