To be annoyed that dh referred to us as poor.

[Maisykitten]

hi everyone,

dh and I have some ‘tricky’ finances at the moment. Our business went bust when Covid kicked in and we were left deeply in debt (100k now but more at the start ). We have both managed to get good salaries jobs and we’ve got on top of everything.

we have a small mortgage of 38k on a house worth 300k and all of our bills are paid. Definitely not remortgaging to clear the debt- the house is our security!!

anyway in a conversation dh referred to us as ‘poor’. I have a real issue with that. I agree that we’re in high levels of debt but we aren’t poor. After we’ve paid our mortgage, bills and living costs inc contractual debt payments, we’re left with £2800, much of which goes on extra debt payments.

i think it’s tone deaf to call us poor. I don’t feel poor, in fact i thank my lucky stars everyday that we’re able to dig ourselves out of the hole we are in,

do you agree?

back track a minute

you have £100k debt on top of mortgage?

I wouldn't say you were poor at all!!!!! If anything you are extremely well off!!! Maybe your husband is comparing your current finance to what you had previously??

so if you have £2.8k left after everything paid for
and “most of it” goes on debt payments

well…. i’d say doesn’t sound like any spare of the fun things i. life so would definitely feel poor

when was last time you took a holiday?

Yes we do.

I think he sees your financial situation differently to you.

Does this one word really matter that much?

£100k debt following the loss of the business sounds very difficult. Maybe he feels the changed circumstances more keenly than you do.

The 2.8 is after we’ve paid our contractual debt payments

2.8k a month of money to spend as you choose??? Sounds pretty well off to me.
OK, you are (sensibly, imo) diverting most of it to the debt, but if you didn't for just one month, that's a pretty decent amount to enjoy yourself with!!

Not poor, very high debt tho.

@Maisykitten tell your husband that me, DH and our toddler have less than that in a month. We'd be poor. You're nowhere near 🤣

that is a lot of debt

and repaying most of my disposable income to pay it off would certainly make me “feel” poor

the op has much less than £2.8k a month as “most” of that goes on paying the debt

not to spend as she chooses

“most” of it is spent paying back the debt!!

oh apologies

well increase your repayment plan for a start

He feels poor, most of the money goes to pay down the debt each month, giving no money to go and do the nice things in life.

did he say it just to you, or to others?

I think it depends who he was talking to and it's all relative.

If he was talking to someone in need of a sandwich then yes, tone deaf. If he's talking to a relative who's got 3 kids in private school abf has four foreign holidays a year, yes poor.

Also possibly he means he's poorer than he expected to be at this point in life, when business was going well.

you live in a modest property with a non mortgage debt equaling a third of the value of the home

what is a “high income”?

I honestly think I have PTSD from a similar situation and a similar amount of debt. I was terrified we were going to lose the house. I felt I couldn't spend any money for 5 years. I didn't buy anything at all for me- not even a cup.of coffee.

I too used to say I felt we were poor because before the business went bust we weren't rich but I wasn't constantly worrying about money, all the 'what if's' going round in my head.

I felt the change in our circumstances very keenly I suppose and it effects me psychologically to this day, 12 years later.

Well no you're not poor are you - if you had a house with approx 50% LTV and no additional debt then you would consider yourself doing quite well, and that's similar to your situation. But if the loans are at really high rates then I would definitely consider remortgaging at a low rate and paying off every penny you can every month to pay down the debt quicker. I know your house is your security but if you are committed to paying £100k of debt then you want to do it in the least expensive and quickest way you possibly can.

about 110k combined but I didn’t refer to it as high

Sorry to hear that you had such a rough time. Is the debt cleared now?

How much are you paying servicing that debt? What is the interest rate?

It’s more interesting that you had such a strong negative reaction to his comment — why not accept it as a neutral statement of fact, as he sees it? You see your financial situation differently. That’s not a problem unless you have vastly different ideas about how to pay off your debt.

Having 100k debt is probably making your husband feel ‘poor’, because it is in comparison to a time when you didn’t have that debt and had your own business.

Yes, it's all paid off now.

I can't help thinking how much better our lives would be if we had that £100k though

Has DH felt the brunt of the responsibility for sorting the situation?. My DH would have said we were comfortable and we were, but I did all the worrying to make sure that's the case and that it stays that way, so I feel less comfortable than he did with our financial situation.

Mostly on low or 0% with the exception of about 5k that is higher- we’re prioritising that one!