To be annoyed that dh referred to us as poor.

[Maisykitten]

hi everyone,

dh and I have some ‘tricky’ finances at the moment. Our business went bust when Covid kicked in and we were left deeply in debt (100k now but more at the start ). We have both managed to get good salaries jobs and we’ve got on top of everything.

we have a small mortgage of 38k on a house worth 300k and all of our bills are paid. Definitely not remortgaging to clear the debt- the house is our security!!

anyway in a conversation dh referred to us as ‘poor’. I have a real issue with that. I agree that we’re in high levels of debt but we aren’t poor. After we’ve paid our mortgage, bills and living costs inc contractual debt payments, we’re left with £2800, much of which goes on extra debt payments.

i think it’s tone deaf to call us poor. I don’t feel poor, in fact i thank my lucky stars everyday that we’re able to dig ourselves out of the hole we are in,

do you agree?

yes i know!!

but im saying the dh may “feel” poor if after all the debt repayments, he isn’t left with much “fun money”

It's not really.

A lot of mortgages would have more than £130k+ outstanding, their debt is just spread out

i’m trying to make the op feel less annoyed at her dh!

sometimes it can be how we “feel” that leads us to say something rather than “fact”

Yes but you can only spend it once and if they as a couple choose to do extra repayments then it ain't there for fun

In which case he should talk about the balance between repayments and living for the now

He probably just feels poor compared to the position you could have been in had the business not gone bust so I would cut him some slack. However, I agree you are definitely not poor, you have loads of equity in your home, good salaries and plenty of disposable income to throw at the debt. Well done on getting on top of it.

£100k from business closure unfortunately will likely be on a pretty awful rate sadly

have you spoken to your dh about it op? what has he said?

You should be remortgaging to repay your creditors.

Very unreasonable for you to sit pretty on that sort of ‘security’ when you owe money to others.

I wouldn’t be bothered tbh.

We have lots of friends who refer to themselves as ‘poor’, when in reality they’re anything but. Not much disposable income can make you feel skint. £110k joint gross income with debts is not exactly comfortable.

Do I have it right that your mortgage is 38k? So in total you owe £138k and you have just over £260k in equity?

This isn’t poor by any reasonable standard; it’s more about how you manage your debt. I imagine interest rates have been a major problem for you recently. I think it would be fair to say you’re struggling with your debt burden, but that’s not the same as being poor.

I would agree - poor is poverty. OP’s situation is not poverty. If OP’s husband was looking at the sole of his trainer and praying that it will last just a bit longer, just until the gas bill is paid or they have stocked up on tins for the month, he might have a point. As someone who has dived down the back of the sofa, raided every pocket and bag for change to eat for the few days until pay day, I think he’s being rather silly indeed.

You have a lot of debt OP but it seems like you’ll get there with it and things aren’t brutal in the meantime.

We’re both 48. We’ve had a couple of cheap breaks but nothing major. We both have pensions from old careers and we’re both paying in now

You sound delusional. I can see how you got in debt.

Why do you want a bunch of strangers on the internet to play along with your delusions?

Err, what?!

The best thing any of us can learn about ourselves is that our feelings and views/opinions are not always reliable barometers of a situation.
I think that applies to him here

Its right to say that they might not be as well off as they were at one time when they didnt need to service the debt but thats not the same thing.

By my ropey old maths, seems like they'll be debt and mortgage free in about 5 years.

i think it’s just that he feels poor and knows that in reality he’s not “poor”

have a chat with him…

My boss refers to himself as the poor relation. He earns a good salary, but his wife comes from money and all her friends went to public school. His two siblings are super high flyers, one a household name.

He earns more than most people I know, but in his world, he really does feel poor.

Was your business not a limited company?

Sorry? Why do nasty? We got into debt as our business failed. We grafted to the point of making ourselves ill

Your "surplus" is more than I earn a month. I earn enough to be over the limit for any help beyond child benefit. I have a 54k mortgage but no other debt. I don't consider myself poor.

Your husband is being an arse.

If you had a small mortgage of £38k on your property, joint income of £110k and grown up kids, and that was it, then yes, I think referring to oneself as 'poor' would be a touch asinine.

But you had a debt of £125k on top from a failed business which you've decided against extending the mortgage to pay off and are now throwing every spare penny at in overpayments. So in those circumstances, I can understand why he'd find the situation stressful and unpleasant, even if the word 'poor' may not be technically accurate.

Firstly, well done for getting things under control. I can well imagine that the closure of your business hit you hard even aside from the debt.

Secondly, so much about money is psychological and dependent on how we were raised to feel about money. I agree you aren't poor but given your husband has said this, it's worth a discussion to understand what his concerns are. Perhaps it all just feels a slog if you aren't allowing any fun money or perhaps he's a 'what if' chap focusing on how things could have been different.

Similarly, I'm surprised at how many of the responses are shocked at the debt level and agreeing that paying it down should be your immediate priority. If your interest rates really are low or 0% as suggested then overpaying doesn't seem to make sense compared to saving or investing at 5%+.

Yes but we stupidly borrowed on loans and cards to fill the gaps. A terrible decision in hindsight but we were desperate to make it work

I’d feel poor if I was living the life the op and her husband are. It’s not about being subjectively poor. Arguably they are not. But facing 4 years of no real disposable income, spending as much as possible paying down the debt. No holidays , big treats etc, just working to pay it off.

that will still be very raw for you both