To be annoyed that dh referred to us as poor.

[Maisykitten]

hi everyone,

dh and I have some ‘tricky’ finances at the moment. Our business went bust when Covid kicked in and we were left deeply in debt (100k now but more at the start ). We have both managed to get good salaries jobs and we’ve got on top of everything.

we have a small mortgage of 38k on a house worth 300k and all of our bills are paid. Definitely not remortgaging to clear the debt- the house is our security!!

anyway in a conversation dh referred to us as ‘poor’. I have a real issue with that. I agree that we’re in high levels of debt but we aren’t poor. After we’ve paid our mortgage, bills and living costs inc contractual debt payments, we’re left with £2800, much of which goes on extra debt payments.

i think it’s tone deaf to call us poor. I don’t feel poor, in fact i thank my lucky stars everyday that we’re able to dig ourselves out of the hole we are in,

do you agree?

Was it just in a conversation with you, or in front of other people? It definitely would be tone deaf to complain about being poor in front of someone who was in serious poverty, but it seems a bit much for you to police his language about how he feels about your financial situation if it was in a private conversation with his own wife!

Yeah that’s what I’m wondering, I wonder if he said it to someone and the op is embarassed.

Its all relative isn't it.

My entire monthly income is less than you have after you've paid bills and contractual debt. I'm renting so don't have the option to remortgage should the need arrived. So compared to me you aren't poor at all.

OTOH I've got friends who're retired (much older than me) on final salary pensions totally £150k, totally mortgage free. Compared to them you're poor.

i wish i was as 'poor' as you guys

No, you're not poor. To me that's someone who has small earning potential alongside few or no assets. You don't meet either criterion even when the debt is taken into account against the house.

I think I'd feel 'poor' if I had to spend most of my disposable income on debt.

When I say I'm broke, it means I literally don't even have one pence. But I also have no debt.

So basically feeling like you can't spend on anything but the basics and debts makes most people feel poor. Whether they're on £200k or £10k.

I doubt he's comparing your circumstances to that of a person sleeping in a tent. He's merely expressing understandable frustration at the strained nature of your collective finances. But of course he shouldn't be making you feel bad.

Maybe he equates poor with wealth rather than income. You see 2.8k spare income as 'not poor', he sees lack of assets (paid off home, pensions, savings) as poor.

But we don’t have to. We choose to use a chunk of the £2800 as an additional payment

I think he is referring more to disposable income. He's just worded it clumsily.

i’d be focussing on clearing that £100k debt asap!!

what’s your income op?

We are. It’s our absolute priority

He probably fees poor and feels he’s working just to clear debt after the collapse of the business.
perhaps cut him some slack.

110k joint gross income

Was it just said to you? I don’t think it’s your place to police his language tbh. Yes there will be someone somewhere worse off, because when doesn’t that apply. You do have a lot of debt and clearing it eats up a fair amount of your monthly income. Makes sense he’s frustrated at that, and sounds like ‘poor’ is his way of saying that. I really don’t see the issue unless it was said to someone else who is struggling more in a completely tone deaf way.

What is your net worth (assets - debts including mortgage):
Are you above £0 ?

If you are but still below 1 x your combined annual salary, could easily fall under 'poor' (i.e. the lower end of wealth scale)

dependents?

op you have £100k debt in top of your mortgage

it is a very material amount to you given it’s a third of the market value of your property

increase payments. No brainer not to

what are you doing with the £2.8k?

Everything is relative. To someone living on a low income with few assets and options for earning more money, you’re not poor. To someone without your level of debt, you might seem to be.

It is sizeable debt, and that’s quite a burden. Obviously it’s manageable as things stand but you’re vulnerable to changes in your situation in a way that someone without that level of debt isn’t. That might make your DH feel poor - the pressure of maintaining the status quo. He certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable to be conscious of that.

well not you’re keeping £2.8k aside a month for… what?

what much was the original debt?

£125k

@Maisykitten thank you. That's good then. I mean what is it about him saying that that's bothering you so much. If he's becoming unnecessarily tight, stopped sharing things with you etc. but if it's just words then just say well were doing better than most. And change the subject.

I’d have remortgaged so all the debt was in one place , you’d still have more than 50% equity .

We aren’t. I’ve said several times that we’re using the money to make extra debt payments

so you’ve cleared £25k… how long did that take you?