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Original poster

My girl is moving into halls sharing a kitchen/flat with 7 boys.

282 replies

ForkTines · 19/09/2024 20:30

I thought there would be a mix? She’s studying engineering. They’ve matched her with her course which is mainly male. She’s moving in on Saturday. How do I help her find some female friends without sticking my nose in? She went to an all girls grammar school, so this will be a trial by fire.

OP posts:
EvelynBeatrice · 20/09/2024 08:40

Yikes. Hard to know what to do as mum.

I’m not convinced that she’s at much greater risk of assault because there isn’t currently another girl in the flat. Even in single sex accommodation, there will be frequent male visitors. There probably will be other visiting girls in this flat soon - girlfriends and female overnight guests will start making an appearance as will female friends, visiting mates, sisters etc. One of my daughter’s best pals is the girlfriend of her first year male uni flatmate. They bonded over a shared moan at the state of the flat kitchen. The shared bathroom is the thing that would bother me.

On the personal safety front, you should if you haven’t already have a talk with her about keeping herself safe and not being naive. Always keep her phone with her and try and escape to loo if things getting out of hand. Daughters flat actually had agreement they would only go to certain nightclubs and always together. No girl - or boy for that matter - ever walked home alone. Most importantly hopefully she’s been raised to know and has sufficient self esteem such that her personal safety and comfort is more important than being seen as ‘nice’, ‘sexy’ or ‘kind’.

CurlewKate · 20/09/2024 09:00

@Aussieland "She is an adult. She doesn’t need your help"
This is such a bizarre Mumsnet take on parenting!

veritasverity · 20/09/2024 09:09

I lived on a corridor of 'boys' aka young men, it was a ball. At no point did I ever feel threatened, some kept the kitchen spotless some didn't. The ones that didn't quickly learned that it was in their interest to tidy up after themselves! 30+ years on I'm still in touch with two of the seven! I agree with a previous poster that it's almost like a sibling relationship (only siblings who get on!). In my second year I lived in an all female house, which was equally as fun, and again made life long friends, and my final year it was a mixed house.
The only down side to the mainly male corridor was the slightly niffy Saturday afternoons with stinky wet trainers drying in the communal hallway, but even that wasn't so bad!

RitzyMcFee · 20/09/2024 11:24

Me? I think you have the wrong person

I don't.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 20/09/2024 13:09

I don't think it's reasonable to expect an 18 year old girl to share a bathroom with 7 boys. I'm guessing that en-suite accommodation is more expensive ?

Knissypickers · 20/09/2024 13:27

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ChipsCheeseAndGravey · 20/09/2024 13:29

I will also say when I shared with boys it gave me a sharp lesson in direct communication. No hinting at things, I had to learn to put my foot down and get them to do things. She does need to make it abundantly clear she will not be cleaning up after them and that they will be doing their own dishes and keeping the kitchen a non biohazard. On the plus side though I made friends for life. Last month I was at my former flatmates wedding, and I met my now partner through one of them. See it as an opportunity to learn. Behind enemy lines with the opposite sex.

Investinmyself · 20/09/2024 13:45

The she’s an adult leave her to also don’t take into account mum is likely paying for it. Minimum loan is £4700 a year, lots of uni halls are £8,000 plus for self catered.

BruFord · 20/09/2024 14:06

Investinmyself · 20/09/2024 13:45

The she’s an adult leave her to also don’t take into account mum is likely paying for it. Minimum loan is £4700 a year, lots of uni halls are £8,000 plus for self catered.

@Investinmyself I know, it's frustrating when you're paying all the bills but have no access to information nor control over what happens! It was a sharp lesson to us when DD started uni last year.

I have no idea how my DD did in her first year but as she's back for her second year, presumably she passed everything! It's annoying to be paying but have no idea how it's all going!

rainbowstardrops · 20/09/2024 14:06

I mean, I'd be wanting to move just for the bathroom situation! Are you sure there's only one bathroom? When my son was at uni, he shared with 6 or 7 other people. There rooms were over three floors and two bathrooms. He was in basic accommodation.
I can't say I'd be too happy if my daughter was sharing with 7 guys but she could also be sharing with 7 girls who are absolute bitches. I'd probably see how it goes.

TonTonMacoute · 20/09/2024 14:12

There are plenty of quiet and ordinary boys who are just as nervous about going to uni, who are they going to be sharing with, are they going to be loud partying types who take loads of drugs etc etc.

There will be loads of social events in the first weeks to get people meeting each other, she will meets all sorts of new friends of both sexes.

CurlewKate · 20/09/2024 14:37

Love how so many mumsnetters leap to the defence of men! They are all so clean and respectful and thoughtful and lovely. Obviously many are. But it's naive to "forget" that many aren't. And I CERTAINLY would name want my young adult daughter sharing accommodation with 7 young men. Not because I think she would get assaulted, but because she would be so massively outnumbered. And out of the 7 there are going to be at least a couple who think that housework is for women.....

BellaBionda · 20/09/2024 14:50

I also would not want my dd to share with only boys, but I also remember that I shared with only girls when I was at uni and some of them were absolute pigs. It’s not only boys who are messy in the kitchen. I would be more concerned about toilets and sharing those with boys.

Tiredalwaystired · 20/09/2024 15:08

I shared with only girls at the start of my second year and it was AWFUL. They were utter bitches. Moved out after a term to live with three guys and it was the messiest, most haphazard most fun year of my life. All three were like protective brothers and remain dear friends to this day.

PollyPut · 20/09/2024 15:15

ForkTines · 19/09/2024 21:16

It’s 8 bedrooms and a shared bathroom and kitchen.

She seems cheerful or at least ambivalent - she’s not worried.

After uni I refused to share a house with 5 men because I could see myself becoming the default cleaner. That would be my biggest concern here - who is going to clean this place?

If it is a flat in a block with other uni flats, I imagine she'll get to know other people outside her flat - although we always had accommodation in a mix of subjects so it seems unusual to be put with others on her course. However it can be helpful academically to live close to others on your course

ThisCyanHedgehog · 20/09/2024 15:18

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Howdoesitworkagain · 20/09/2024 16:16

Full length pyjamas
A portable toilet in her room until she trains them
Oh good grief 😂

Tiredalwaystired · 20/09/2024 16:50

The worrying thing is that so many of you are parents of sons and this is the expectation you have of their behaviour.

For those of you with younger sons you need to expect more from your boys from today so that no girl has to think this is even an issue when they reach 18.

MMUmum · 20/09/2024 17:47

As soon as my DD knew which halls she was going into she asked on FB groups if anyone was going into the same halls. She got a few replies, on arrival at her flat she found only one other resident, a lovely overseas student whose English wasn't very good, she then contacted one of the girls from.fb and they arranged to meet, she went to her flat where she met up with other flatmates and they all became great friends. FB has it's uses sometimes, tell her just to shout out, she'll be fine

Slimmermama · 20/09/2024 17:51

I should think when she sees how messy they are it will put her off for life !

CurlewKate · 20/09/2024 17:56

@Tiredalwaystired "For those of you with younger sons you need to expect more from your boys from today so that no girl has to think this is even an issue when they reach 18."

I don't think there is a single person on here who genuinely thinks it's a good idea to have a ratio of 1:7 in shared accommodation- however much they pretend otherwise. Particularly while finding your feet in a brand new way of life. It's kind of ironic that it seems to be OK to say that young women can be massive bitches but not OK to say that young men can be dickheads.

Hamm0cks · 20/09/2024 17:58

I might get flamed for this but... she's going to have to get used to dealing with men considering her career/degree choice. Having males in her dorm isn't a bad thing.

I have worked in Engineering for 15+ years and at one point was the only woman amongst 54 male colleagues. It's just a reality we face in male-dominated industries.

OhcantthInkofaname · 20/09/2024 18:01

One bathroom

Passenger42 · 20/09/2024 18:05

I shared a house with 5 boys at Uni and it was fine. Your daughter will make friends off her course and from joining her male flat mates down the pub, she will get chatting to girls or through their girl friends.

I did have brothers so I was used to boys but to be honest I preferred male company, less waiting time to use the bathroom and they all preferred to cook together.

persep · 20/09/2024 18:25

I shared a house with some boys at uni, only for a year, and found them great to get along with. No passive aggressive notes pinned on doors (that was only two girls from the house I lived in, the others were lovely). All completely platonic.

I still made friends with girls from my course, but of course make sure to join a society of interest too.