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My girl is moving into halls sharing a kitchen/flat with 7 boys.

282 replies

ForkTines · 19/09/2024 20:30

I thought there would be a mix? She’s studying engineering. They’ve matched her with her course which is mainly male. She’s moving in on Saturday. How do I help her find some female friends without sticking my nose in? She went to an all girls grammar school, so this will be a trial by fire.

OP posts:
timeforanewmoniker · 19/09/2024 23:19

Normally it's not done by course so that's weird for a start.

Also you would have been better putting her into actual halls, or fully separate studio apartments, than self-catered flats had you been aware they grouped people by course (which is a really weird thing to do because people typically choose their accommodation type and it doesn't fit neatly into numbers of flats per course).

Her best bet now is to join societies at freshers fair.

desolate · 19/09/2024 23:20

Deleted

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/09/2024 23:25

As soon as she gets to uni she will be bombarded by people wanting her to join various clubs, societies and organisations, all opportunities to meet a much wider range of people than just those she shares her block/floor/flat with.

If you've raised a confident, smart, capable young woman then she'll be fine - if not then she may struggle and you can offer help, advice, and the Uni will do the same.

MumblesParty · 19/09/2024 23:28

Aussieland · 19/09/2024 20:37

She is an adult. She doesn’t need your help.

@Aussieland when did she become an adult who doesn’t need help?

eggplant16 · 19/09/2024 23:29

Aussieland · 19/09/2024 20:37

She is an adult. She doesn’t need your help.

Only just. I think its a legitimate concern.

Cailin66 · 19/09/2024 23:31

ForkTines · 19/09/2024 21:16

It’s 8 bedrooms and a shared bathroom and kitchen.

She seems cheerful or at least ambivalent - she’s not worried.

This is weird, to have that percentage of males to girls. I’d be asking to move. In fact I’d not have accepted this situation in the first place. Two of mine were in mixed student flats, within student complexes. But the females outnumbered males always. As far as I know it’s university policy. Otherwise they are looking for trouble.

AliMonkey · 19/09/2024 23:42

DD was in an all-girls flat but, whilst she was friendly with them, has made her closer friends through her course (which is male-dominated), all girls as it happens. In fact, she told me tonight that in her first year she doesn't think she had more than a five minute conversation with a male all year, which I was more concerned about, although I should say that she's generally quite shy and lacking confidence. She went to an all-girls school too. This year she's in a mixed flat so hopefully she will actually talk to boys a bit more!

In my experience (I was also on a male-dominated course), the girls on such courses often stick together to some extent, so I'm sure she will make female friends on her course. Having said that, in halls 30 years ago, all my friends (met in the canteen, a bit different these days when mainly self-catering) were male (I too went to an all-girls school) and I ended up sharing with all males in second and third years (purely platonically) whilst still retaining mainly female friends on my course. I can't say I particular enjoyed sharing bathrooms with them but otherwise it was good.

But definitely encourage her to join some societies, sports teams, etc.

Namechangeforthisone90 · 19/09/2024 23:46

Hi OP. I’d ask for a change ASAP. She won’t be the only one asking for one, particularly if their approach to allocating rooms is as unthought out as this, so I’d get in there early.

I lived in mixed halls but only two of us were females. There were some respectful males, one of whom I entered a long-term relationship with shortly after going to university, but unfortunately they were outnumbered. I often envied my friend who was studying midwifery and living in an all girls flat.

We had to pay for a professional cleaner as the communal areas were filthy (and I mean actually filthy - I lived off convenience food with minimal cooking required as I hated being in the kitchen, let alone cooking in there).

Another reason I didn’t bother buying good food was that I’d have something stolen every few days.

I once went home to find they had bought a cat and goldfish, the latter of which were in the bath as they didn’t buy a fish tank.

There were daily pranks, like a different flatmate’s entire room being moved into our living area and vice versa.

Unfortunately their stupidity even extended to putting my underwear (big knickers) on their heads after I’d not immediately taken it out of the washer once. This was actually quite upsetting.

I know there are many, many respectful, mature, thoughtful young men out there (including many in my own family) so really don’t need this pointed out btw!

Investinmyself · 19/09/2024 23:50

It’s so odd could it be a mistake - wrong box on form or someone assuming from name.
Just wondering if some of the others may have selected single sex for religious reasons etc and if it is a mix up may cause issues on move in day.
Your choice is usually single sex or mixed.

LoyalJoker · 19/09/2024 23:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

PeppyMintCrab · 19/09/2024 23:58

Hello
I have just over a decade experience of working in university accommodation, including dealing with many room moves etc, so just thought I'd offer some thoughts here in case it's helpful
It is unusual the uni have made this placement, at both the unis I have worked in it has always been policy to:

(a) not put students together from the same course, (for reasons of allowing them a healthy work/home balance and also so they have a broader social circle, not seeing the same people constantly! The only exceptions to this i have known are for courses such as nursing etc, where placement schedules are gruelling, and the students tend to have a need to lead a somewhat different/professional lifestyle)

(b) not to put a single student of either gender in with all-girls/all-boys, on the very rare occasion that this has ended up being the case due to voluntary room moves etc, a member of staff would usually have reached out to discuss this with the individual, and we would even get a form signed to say they were happy with this - now not all unis will have the same policy on - but I will say it may be possible that is has occurred purely through human error, as most uni accom allocation systems are still managed manually, and it could be that the person allocating has made a bit of a mistake and not double checked the genders when mass allocating or similar. Usually for an 8 person flat for example, they will have set allocations for the 'gender' of the rooms eg. rooms A, B, C are male, rooms D, E, F are female, and rooms G and H are 'either'. If it is a concern a quick call to their accom office to clarify what their policy is may help, you dont need to give in your info necessarily, you could just ask to double check their policy/stance on allocations

In terms of your initial question, it is likely that the course is mostly male, but their are likely (hopefully!) to be a few other girls on the course and I'm sure they will naturally introduce themselves to one another quite quickly

Your daughter may also want to consider what clubs and societies she is interested in as these are a really good place to start - where possible it's good make sure you make the start of the year events for these as it's easier to make friends and connections when everyone is new at the beginning of the year

There will mostly likely be other flats that are mixed or even all girls nearby, and a quick knock on the door in the first few days in a neighbourly fashion can often strike up friendships in the early days as everyone is in the same boat. The other girls nearby are likely to be very receptive if she explains she's in an all-boys flat and also wants to make some other connections too!

Bigger halls may also some clubs of their own, eg inter halls netball, football, etc will often draw only a small crowd and the halls netball rather than the uni netball will be purely a social thing really, it's not competitive and even if she doesnt have much interest as long as she's not super adverse to it, it can be a good way to meet other people/girls from the halls. There may also be a halls social committee to get involved in if thats her thing - it all depends on her interests!

I cannot see what all the previous comments say as some have already been removed, I'm sorry you have received some unhelpful/inappropriate ones. If you have any further qs I can do my best to answer from a 'generic uni' perspective if helpful.

Sorry for the long post! There's so much going on at the beginning of first year - I hope your daughter has a great time.

Daisymae55 · 20/09/2024 00:13

Don’t worry - my first year of uni I was the only girl in a house with 5 boys - they were great and still good friends with some of them 😁 was better friends with them than any girl I met at that uni

TheDogIsInCharge · 20/09/2024 00:14

Allthehorsesintheworld · 19/09/2024 21:21

8 bedrooms and one bathroom ???? No way would I or my DDs share a bathroom with 7 men we knew, never mind 7 strangers. That is grim in the extreme.
Can you see teenage lads cleaning the toilet and shower after they use it? 🤢

My son had a uni halls flat with five boys and five girls. The communal kitchen was an absolute tip. Thankfully they all had ensuites.

The following year he shared a house with one other boy and four girls... it was even more of a tip - grim beyond words - and the shower the two boys used was cleaner than the two the four girls shared.

Girls are not always cleaner stares at the 19 year old daughter who has a bedroom like a warzone

hilariousnamehere · 20/09/2024 00:44

OP I've only read half the thread, but when I went to uni (mixed halls, 12 rooms to a set of 3 loos and showers but not individual flats, just corridors) the entire uni's ratio of men to women was 7:1. Twenty years later I'm still friends with the girls from my halls, none of whom were on my course, and have lost touch with both male and female course mates. Our boys were great but I'm not sure I'd have wanted to live with only them - I have fairly low clean & tidy standards but the all boys house two doors down from our all girls in our second year was not pretty!

If she's happy, maybe let her try it and find out how she'd go about changing it if she does want to at any point.

PixieMcGraw · 20/09/2024 00:48

I was a civil engineering student (3 female and 47 male) but my halls were either all female or a mix. I didn't live with anyone on my course. I wouldn't be happy and ask for her to be moved. (Yes she is an adult but you don't magically wake up on your 18th birthday and have adult confidence or abilities) She will meet her fellow course students anyway so no idea why they've done this. Could it be a mistake? Have they assumed she is male because of her course?

SofiaAmes · 20/09/2024 01:11

Please let her figure this out on her own. She must be smart, if she made it in to a good engineering program. And just because she went to school with mostly girls, doesn't mean she isn't socially aware and able to deal with the opposite sex. Let her navigate this herself, but do make sure that you are always at the end of a telephone with assistance and advice. Please let her ask you for the help, rather than just doing it for her.

My guess is that she will find them incredibly messy and useless at household tasks and want to switch for that reason. I went to MIT undergraduate and was surrounded by lots of messy boys (and a few girls) and moved out of student house after two years.

caringcarer · 20/09/2024 01:31

ForkTines · 19/09/2024 20:57

I’m not a helicopter or worrier parent. She went to an all girls grammar because she passed the 11 plus and got in - I’m not worried about boys and wouldn’t have chosen a single sex school if it wasn’t an amazing school. She got amazing grades because she got an amazing education. Something everyone should have but doesn’t get.

It’s not en-suite.

She’s not really had anything to do with boys other than family since year 7. It’s going to be a big learning curve on where friendship starts and stops.

It probably won't be pleasant sharing a toilet with 7 boys.

Garlictest · 20/09/2024 01:34

Something for the optimists to read: https://revoltsexualassault.com/research/

Highlights:

• Of the 4,500 students from 153 different institutions who took part in this survey, 62% have experienced sexual violence at UK universities. This figure rises to 70% of female respondents.

• "Every one of my female friends has stories about sexual assault and/or harassment at university. I have given only the most harrowing example but could elaborate with over a dozen incidents for me alone."

• The most common locations on campus where students experience sexual violence are halls of residence.

• The incidence of rape is far more likely amongst the student population than the general population in England and Wales.

• Only 2%* *of those experiencing sexual violence felt both able to report it to their university and were then satisfied with the process.

... One would naturally hope this young woman's flatmates all turn out to be responsible, considerate chaps who don't use porn or follow sexually-entitled 'redpill' media, go easy on the drink & drugs and have no male friends coming round for nights of laddish revelry.

But it's utterly, utterly stupid to ignore the darker possibilities.

Research - Revolt Sexual Assault

Almost two thirds (62%) of students and graduates have experienced sexual violence at...

https://revoltsexualassault.com/research

Thebellofstclements · 20/09/2024 04:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

The boys were far cleaner than the girls in my halls flat. They did far more cooking of proper food too. Admittedly one of them just bought new clothes for the first term as he CBA to use the washing machine and one would buy 40 packs of crisps at a time ... 😂

RitzyMcFee · 20/09/2024 07:00

Aussieland · 19/09/2024 20:37

She is an adult. She doesn’t need your help.

And yet, you have a thread asking for advice about your in laws.

Presumably they are adults.

Aussieland · 20/09/2024 07:16

RitzyMcFee · 20/09/2024 07:00

And yet, you have a thread asking for advice about your in laws.

Presumably they are adults.

Me? I think you have the wrong person

ArdMhaca · 20/09/2024 08:05

Derwent01 · 19/09/2024 22:38

its like the beginning of the big bang theory

Penny had her own bathroom

Squashinthepinkcup · 20/09/2024 08:08

Thebellofstclements · 20/09/2024 04:19

The boys were far cleaner than the girls in my halls flat. They did far more cooking of proper food too. Admittedly one of them just bought new clothes for the first term as he CBA to use the washing machine and one would buy 40 packs of crisps at a time ... 😂

That's a refreshing change! The boys I lived with had a competition to see who could grow the most maggots in their saucepans....they also collected all their milk cartons, for a year, without washing them. They would build forts with them.

Loved those guys, but it was gross.

When I think how clueless we were the first week of uni too 😂 one of the guys didn't know what a colander was.

ilovesushi · 20/09/2024 08:26

To the posters telling you she is an adult and you need to leave it to her, she is a young adult about to take a massive step in her life and supportive guidance from her parents is surely welcome at this stage and any other stage in life. You are absolutely right to be concerned for her. She may feel that she doesn't want to rock the boat or has so many other things to contend with. For what it's worth, I work at a university and am happy to speak to parents as long as I have written permission from the student. When a student is struggling, it is great to know there is support at home and we can work in a coordinated manner to support the student.

PuppyMonkey · 20/09/2024 08:37

I would also ask for a move, I wouldn’t care how chilled out my “adult” DD was about it, this isn’t appropriate accommodation.