How the heck are we supposed to sleep if newborn won’t go in a crib?

[PBQ123]

I’ve been awake for coming up to 48 hours straight now. Newborn won’t go into a crib. Will stay there for ten mins then cry. Swaddling doesn’t work. So only option is to hold to sleep. We are so tired neither of us can be trusted to do this without falling asleep ourselves. I am EBF but this isn’t going to work is it. What are you supposed to do? Naively bought a Next to Me and Moses basket assuming baby would be happy to go in them. We haven’t even left the hospital yet though and it’s clear they were a waste of money.

Ohhh I’ve been there, not on postnatal ward but on children’s ward with another family playing loud lullabies all night long. Hospitals are incredibly loud and unrestful places.

I’ve subsequently come to realisation that letting baby sleep on you is how humans are naturally designed to raise babies. Think about it when we were in caves if babies weren’t held they’d have perished. This desire to be held is hard wired in them for survival and many very sensitive to not being held. throughout history till really recently people slept holding their babies. So I now sleep with LO on my chest, I’m propped up on cushions and have my arms around her . I feel very attuned to her and I’m not at all worried that she’ll move off me without me noticing, not least they can’t really move at this age. When she stirs I wake. I know loads of people will say this is unsafe and cite SIDS advice - I think the current advice is a bit useless for me.

I did exactly the same. DH was away 5.5 days a week so I had to maximise my sleep.

Fourth trimester: human babies are born 3 months premature because of the need for our pelvis’ to be so narrow for us to walk upright. For first 3 months they want what they had in the womb, which isn’t being laid on their backs away from us.

In this enlightened age, I have no idea how new parents think their brand new baby will just sleep when they’re put down in a strange environment and are surprised when they won’t.

The hospital environment is hideous. I had a 2 night stay after a 3 day labour. The heat, the noise, the lights, the constant interruptions (no, you can’t check my episiotomy stitches in the middle of visiting time, actually). Hourly checks overnight, changing wards in the middle of the night and then they couldn’t remember to bring me food without meat in it (it was 2010 - vegetarianism was hardly “out there”).

I discharged myself in the end and we worked it all out at home.

Ugh. Post natal wards are the worst. Especially when it's your first and you don't know what you're doing, and totally unprepared for the chaos. (I cried around 47 hours of the 48 or so that I was there!)

I really hope you have managed to get some sleep. As others have said, this is really normal. It will get better when you get home - if for no other reason that you can make it dark, quiet and have a comfy bed! Make getting discharged the priority today.

When you get home, if there is just the two of you, tag team for the next few days so both of you get some sleep, if alternately.

Neither of mine liked being put in their crib. We used a fleece blanket for a bottom sheet, which was warmer for them, and when they weren't in it (e.g. out for a feed) we put a hot water bottle in it to warm it. Then swap hot water bottle for baby. Sometimes the shock of being put down on cold sheets doesn't help. One of mine liked being swaddled, the other didn't.

This is so selfish. I think phones should be banned on the wards overnight. We didn't have them 30 years ago and we coped. Or if they want to use them go out the ward where you don't have to be as noisy.

I agree let your other half go home. No point in both of you being exhausted

Congratulations...it does improve

It’s a fucking nightmare. I had 8 days with no sleep, the woman next to me was constantly on her phone at all hours micromanaging her family at home - noise - lights- crying babies.

No proper sleep for many days. 19 years later I am still alive. You WILL get through this.

Good video on safe Co sleeping

Agree with others that things will settle down, especially when you’re out of hospital. Tag team in meantime. Newborns need to breastfeed a lot until your milk supply is right. They do it to comfort as well as feed.

When you think about it, it’s understandable they want to be held most of the time as they’ve been inside you and want the comfort of not feeling abandoned. So, they can panic when left alone. You usually have to hold them until they drop off, then (and it’s a knack) lay them very slowly in the crib.

I co-slept with all mine from birth as it was less tiring than getting up to feed/comfort them. As others have said, read up on doing it safely. I also had cranial osteopathy for my middle one after a few weeks as he’d had a long second stage and cried constantly. It helped a fair bit.

Babies are like cats. You buy them shiny new beds, but they end up sleeping elsewhere! It will get better, I promise.

Mine didn't sleep at all in the next to me and I chucked husband to the other room and I took dd in my bed. We co slept together for a month and later tried the next to me again, swaddled her with my worn sweaty milk smelling top and she slept. She's been in there for 6 months now and we are assembling her cot this weekend. With the early days, it's one step forward and two steps back each day until it's all settled.

Which part if what I have said is dangerous?
The OP is 48 hours PP. Suggesting expressing and giving a bottle when OP wants to breastfeed is incorrect advice unless the medical professionals have identified something wrong. Your experience isn’t typical. A bit like saying don’t take up running because when I did I tripped and broke my leg.
Any breastfeeding advice will tell you to check nappies are wet- so hopefully the midwives have told OP that.

My baby hated the moses basket and crib. We abandoned both and embraced cosleeping.

When people come to visit put headphones in and eye mask on, and nap for an hour. Make sure you have ear phones and eye mask. Midwives take baby for a few hours to sleep.

dont worry, you’ll find a new routine at home. You’re both getting to know each other still. You will carve out hour naps to refresh you initially and hopefully your baby will sleep.

my partner used to come in at 6am and take baby so I could sleep til 8am and it was like the best sleep I’d ever had after a night of bf. Once I’d established supply I went to sleep at 9pm, partner did expressed feed in bottle somewhere between 10/11pm and I woke for next feed at 1ish. Then I would do the feed as co sleep so I wasn’t over tired when co sleeping. And he would sleep separately to get unbroken sleep. But ours didn’t sleep really. You’ll be ok, it’s just a mad shock to the system. It won’t be forever.

The second night in hospital I had to ask a midwife if she’d take the baby for a bit as I had been up for over 36 hours straight and DD cried non stop (in retrospect she was hungry because breastfeeding wasn’t working). Think she took her for 3 hours so I could sleep. It was during the pandemic so DH wasn’t allowed to be there.

My babies weren't happy sleeping on their own when they were tiny. They have strong instincts to stay close to Mum for protection, warmth and sustenance. Look into safe collecting. Here is a video from a professor who is an authority on the subject.

I felt exactly like you did on my third night in hospital (4th without sleep due to long labour).
A trainee midwife too DS for a few hours in the night as I felt like I was losing my mind. Also I had sent DH home so when he came back for visiting he had him and I slept through whole visit.
It'll get easier when you're at home, I promise.

My dd hates the Moses basket and didn't like being flat. I propped it up slightly by putting towels under the mattress to raise it a few inches which helped massively.

Put them down in the cot and pat them and talk to them gently

Take turns to sleep. Or consider Co sleeping. Lullaby trust has safe bed sharing guidelines. But it might be better at home. But don’t panic if it isn’t, you will find a way to survive.

DH should not be awake with you!! Take turns, girl. Send him home so he can sleep and come back rested in the morning. Then he can take then baby and you can sleep!

Also remember that baby has known only you for the past 9 months and is biologically primed to want to be close to you and held.

Also, you're putting her down too early. Hold her for about 20 minutes until she has fallen into a deep sleep, the transfer. DOn't trasnfer to crib the moment that she falls asleep

Postnatal ward is hell. You feel vulnerable and shattered, just when you need call and quiet you get noise and stress. And the feeling of being judged.

You can't co sleep in a hospital bed, so that's out. If the nurses find you they'll wake you and tell you off. You can try asking them to hold baby while you sleep but it wouldn't have happened on any of the wards when I had my babies. They're understaffed. They should really get volunteers in to help with this stuff!

You just have to get through and take turns holding the baby. Is there anyone else who could come in to help for a bit?

If you can, go outside - hospitals often have a little garden. You feel so much more sane when you're not on the same ward breathing the same air.

This is just the very start, you'll work it out.

Yes my 3 month old so very recent. I was breastfeeding but I was exhausted, crying and emotional at about 2am in the morning as couldn't put baby down. The maternity assistant asked me if I was okay for a small top up of formula and I agreed. She took baby for me and fed her, swaddled her got her down whilst I slept. I got a few hours in which helped so much and it didn't effect me breastfeeding..in fact it helped me because I got some sleep that my body needed. I

@PBQ123 I also got my DH to sleep at home so then he could just watch me sleep with baby on me when he was in hospital during the day and that way we both got some sleep but someone was watching so I didn't suffocate baby/drop baby. We spent a week in hospital due to baby having an infection and it is not easy OP. So much better when you are at home.

The thing is that with newborns there is sleep time and wake time. Whether this lines up with day and night is random. My son, up to about 3 months old, used to have a good awake session about 1-4 am (after a 1am feed)! Maybe the baby is awake and being rocked while the mum is on the phone, and mum slept in the day while baby slept. Maybe actually mum tried to sleep while a lot of the other mum's had visitors, because it was "day" time, despite her baby being asleep. Unless you had a very strict couple of hours of visiting & phones and silence apart from essential noise from essential care for the other 22 hours, there is no way to work for everyone. It's hard, but you'll be home soon and able to work your routine around your baby!

Yes, it does happen, but I think depends on staffing. My midwives absolutely insisted on it on about day 4 or 5 of me and my newborn in hospital. I was ragged. Lovely midwives talked me into letting them take him to look after, and for them to give him one bottle feed (I was going for EBF) so that I could skip a feed and get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. They really had to persuade me, but in the end I saw sense and let them, and they were totally right.

My relief at getting some sleep was slightly ruined the next day though by the breastfeeding specialist coming round and looking at my chart, seeing that he'd had a bottle feed, tutting at me and saying 'what a shame'. (I did end up breastfeeding him till 18 months, so yahboosucks to the specialist.)

OP, I really, really feel for you. Please make sure you tag team with your husband for sleep. And when you're home, if the baby still doesn't settle in a crib/basket (I'm sure they will eventually!) do you have a relative or friend who might be able to come round and hold the baby for a couple of hours while you get some sleep?

Oh I did not sleep in the labour ward. A woman beside me was on the phone until 5am. But the time I left I had gone three nights without sleep. Managed a couple of hours here and there! You will definitely feel better behind at home.

But not going to lie, my sleep was shit for a the first couple of months. Baby only wanted to be held to sleep. Ended up having to co-sleep just to get a few hours. But then we had a heat wave that forced us to get her into the next to me. We basically would put her down and roll her slightly onto her side and tap her bottom as she drifted off then slowly rolled her onto her back.

We did establish a routine as soon as possible which really helped. And from about 2 months we started combi feeding and I would give baby a bottle of milk right before bed and that worked for us.

It will get better. She is so tiny right now and has spent her whole existence as a part of you. Be kind and patient with yourself and rest as much as you need to.

Hello lovely. Congratulations on baby!

I agree with what some of the other posters have said. Safely co-sleep! It was never ever my plan but my baby is the same as yours and would just not settle in any type of cot. There is an Instagram account called 'happy co sleeper' and she is amazing and has co-slept with all her babies since newborn.

It is a bit daunting at first but your baby is like mine. Even now she's nearly 2 we still co-sleep and quite often she'll fall asleep holding my face or some kind of contact. Every baby is different its just working out what baby you have 😊

DM me if you want any more help/advice and the Lullaby Trust is great.

Sending you love and happy sleepy thoughts for all 3 of you XXX

My DD was like this and absolutely refused to sleep away from me. I also slept holding her to my chest and then also next to me. I'd embrace safe co sleeping.
The hospital was no help whatsoever, and kept telling me to put her in the crib, but she would just cry and they'd just shrug as if that's OK. In the end they allowed me to sleep with her on my chest and just kept on eye on us.