How the heck are we supposed to sleep if newborn won’t go in a crib?

[PBQ123]

I’ve been awake for coming up to 48 hours straight now. Newborn won’t go into a crib. Will stay there for ten mins then cry. Swaddling doesn’t work. So only option is to hold to sleep. We are so tired neither of us can be trusted to do this without falling asleep ourselves. I am EBF but this isn’t going to work is it. What are you supposed to do? Naively bought a Next to Me and Moses basket assuming baby would be happy to go in them. We haven’t even left the hospital yet though and it’s clear they were a waste of money.

Those first few days are rough. I found we were all more settled once we got home. Tag team sleeping with dad so you both get some rest. It'll be easier soon ❤

I had so many anxiety attacks over sleep when our little one was first born. I am here and ALIVE. We survived!!!! He's about to turn one this week.

You will find a way to cope, and you will get your own system up for when you and dad sleeps once you're home and in your bubble.

For us, I went to bed with baby at 6pm every day. I would co-sleep with him, and dad would help with nappy changes and rocking to sleep if he didn't want to feed. I didn't go on my phone, I avoided sugary snacks and caffeine as I had major issues sleeping, even when baby was sleeping, due to the PND anxiety. Between 6pm and the next morning I would get enough sleep, although completely broken, to get me through the day. There were nights I didn't sleep at all in the beginning due to the PND/A. But take each day at a time.

We EBF. It is incredibly tough in those first weeks, but for me has been worth it in the long run as life is so easy when you don't have the faff or cost of formula. He still feeds on demand now, and I plan on feeding as long as it continues to work for us. It is such a good tool when they are sad and need comfort. I hope to keep going until he's at least three, as the comfort he gets from feeding is like magic and supposed to really help you get through those "big emotion" toddler years.

Fussing at the boob, crying and wanting to feed what feels like 24/7 is all totally normal. Many people give up when the baby is unsettled on the boob and think there is a problem, but that is usually the baby working to increase your supply to meet their needs. You just have to give in to it; sleep whilst they are suckling if you can. Either side sleeping/feeding or even chest sleeping/feeding (we did this a lot in the evenings (6-10) and baby's dad would watch TV next to us and keep an eye on us.

Two more things to add - when you get home and you’re knackered you can keep trying the same things even though they’re not working. Remember you can change things! If swaddle isn’t doing anything try baby in a sleeping bag, if the Moses basket isn’t the thing try the next to me or vice versa.

I will say I don’t understand the whole thing of send your husband home to get a good night sleep - I’m sure it works for many but when I was 2 nights after a long complicated birth the anaesthetic had barely worn off and when the midwives tried to send my husband home in the evening I found myself bawling my eyes out that HE apparently needed rest but I was on solo duty despite having been awake for obs every hour for days followed by Labour and a c section. He stayed til later and that was when the midwives took baby for a few hours so I could get some sleep and H could also get some. How come no one ever says let dad take the baby overnight so you can get a night’s sleep? (Waking for feeds obv)

@WhiteLily1 this “Giving bottles of formula in the very early days will almost certainly compromise establishing your milk supply. I’m sad new mums are still being told in the first few days that they don’t have milk”

Attitudes like that disregard the experiences of those of us whose milk doesn’t come in (I appreciate we are in the minority, but it happens), make it harder to know when to seek help, and adversely affect mental health for those who desperately want to BF and believe it’s the right thing, but can’t. That’s what’s dangerous.

I realise my experience isn’t typical, but given how serious lack of milk supply (when it does happen) can be, when I see a post like this I always try to make others aware of my experience - as I don’t want anyone else to go through that.

We had the same issue. A lovely midwife showed me how to co-sleep as safely as possible and this is what we did for the first 6 months. After that she went into a cot in her own room without any problems. Never used the moses basket!

Newborn will go in a crib but sets up an almighty protest. Don't go down the co-sleeping route.

Your hormones are going to be all over the place. You are knackered. Some babies are super clingy. My first could not settle if I wasn't holding him, second loved to lie in a starfish shape in her moses basket. It is early days. Let go of your regular daily routine for now and sleep when your baby is asleep. Get your partner to tag team. Rest rest rest and you will be fine xxx

Google the fourth trimester and safe co-sleeping xxx

Agree with the posters saying divide and conquer. Don't despair, it's a long road between being fresh out of the womb and moving into a toddler bed, the crib and moses basket will have their time. Or maybe you'll co sleep. Both are fine when done safely. It's about what works for you. Hope you get home soon!

If baby is still struggling to transfer once you're home there are a few things you can try

• put a hot water bottle in the crib for a bit before baby goes in to warm it (take it out before putting baby in)
• sleep with the sheets of the crib then put them in there so it smells like you

Best of luck!!

Read up on safe Co-sleeping. Take shifts with your partner, even if breastfeeding they can just bring them to you. It gets easier when you’re out of hospital.

Congratulations OP.

If baby really doesn't sleep in a cot once they're back home, co-sleeping is always an option. It's safe, so long as you follow the guidelines, so don't worry if that's how it turns out. I never planned to co-sleep either with mine, but he point blank wouldn't sleep any other way. It was totally fine, and I actually ended up quite enjoying it, which was a surprise as I hate sharing a bed with anyone!

As others have said though, it might not get to that point x

Congrats!
Be careful when you get home- it’s quiet and dark and lovely… I don’t need to put on the lights to feed precious newborn! You’re exhausted. Put on the lights. Everyone is fine but it felt like a close call.
Also Co sleeping is not a dirty word no matter what midwives say!

Big hugs, those first few days really do turn your life upside down.
DH needs to go home and sleep for a time and then come back and give you time to sleep. I'd also recommend reading up on safe co-sleeping with a newborn and chest sleeping. (Happycosleeper on Instagram is a great resource) Even if you don't plan on co-sleeping, it's better to know how to do it safely so you don't end up in an unsafe situation, as with the best will in the world, when you are so exhausted, you do fall asleep with them.

I've co-slept since birth with both mine and it's a life saver for getting rest, also safe chest sleeping was a game changer.

That is unbelievable! What is wrong with people?

I know it is hard, but try not to despair yet. Our DS didn't sleep except on me or DH for the first 10 days. It is gruelling and awful, DH and I took half a night shift each so we both got some undisturbed sleep. It may be also worth checking with the midwife that your little one is latching properly and getting enough to eat.
Once ours was feeding properly he started sleeping really well day and night in his own cot next to our bed.
He's now 18 months old and has been sleeping in his own bed, in his own room, through the night since he was 6 months old, so the early difficult days are absolutely not a reflection of your life moving forward. Things will absolutely get better.

@PBQ123 has your milk come in yet?

My husband and I split the night.I did 8 till 2 he did 2 till 8.
And the baby was on formula after three weeks due to a tongue tie, I had to stop expressing. Things do change fast with newborns so they may settle eventually, my son had reflux so did when he was on right formula then had a regression at 5 months so much so I resorted to cosleeping. Try and snatch sleep where you can when husband has the baby , its the most important thing right now.

@PinkCherryPie that’s excellent advice.

I’d add, I know lots of dads want to share the caring equally. But in the early months, babies are still wanting the comfort of attachment to their mum, via lots of BF. It takes time to grow apart from you.

So, the best thing a dad (and other loved ones) can do is look after you both. But especially look after the mum, so she can look after the baby. Make you healthy meals, snacks and lots of drinks to help with milk supply and keep you strong. Take the baby to let you sleep, bathe, pamper yourself and have ‘you’ time. Keep watch that you and the baby are safe when you nod off. See to household chores so that you can focus on the baby and getting enough rest yourself. Women used to have 6 weeks ‘lying in’ for a reason.

I get that and I’m sorry you had a negative experience with bf- I did too because I was told I didn’t have enough milk on day 2 by my MW. it wasn’t based on anything other than my baby ‘looked skinny’. I was told to express with a manual pump and if course nothing came out because my milk hadn’t even come in. I didn’t realise at the time and lost all confidence in my ability to BF. MW on day 2 insisted on topping up with formula. It was a disaster from there because my baby wasn’t sucking enough due to already having food. If I hadn’t topped up for a while and put her to the breast she sucked and sucked and wouldn’t sleep in the Moses basket- I thought she wasn’t getting anything. My confidence was totally undermined. I went into labour so bright eyed and keen to BF. Baby ended up not being put to the breast enough due to formula top up cycle and what milk I did have ended up leaking all over my night clothes and bed sheets each night rather than going to my baby.
Took me many months to get over being given incorrect advice and my confidence in myself being taken away on day 2.
I did months and months of BF research for baby number 2 and learned so much.
Still furious to this day that my BF journey was undermined so quickly which is why I get annoyed when low supply is trotted out just because a baby can’t settle on day 2.
An estimated 50% of women site low supply as a resin they stopped BF. An estimated 5% of women have actual low milk supply.

This is very very early days. I remember being contentedly stunned when we got home from the hospital with DC1 and they wouldn’t sleep. I’m not sure why DH and I never considered that was a high possibility with a newborn but it completely threw both of us!

Firstly, take a deep breath. You have just given birth, your hormones are all over the place and I assume this is your first baby so that comes with even more mental adjustment. I’ve got a couple of bullet points that may help, but don’t take them as gospel, only a bit of advice from a mum of 2 who was completely and utterly thrown when she had her first baby.

• If you haven’t already, ask if there is anyone who can help you with breastfeeding. Most maternity wards have someone, a lactation consultant or otherwise who can come and asses your latch. Sometimes babies don’t sleep because their latch is not quite right and they’re not getting enough milk (nothing to be scared of, it’s so normal and is fixable)

• If you want to give baby a bottle of formula this will not derail your breastfeeding journey. Do not put pressure or stress on yourself or think this is the end of EBF of baby has a couple of bottles to settle them in their first few days.

• If baby isn’t crying constantly then there is no reason why you cannot have a sleep. Do not put pressure on yourself to stay awake constantly. I did this and it is not good for you. Ask your partner to watch them, cuddle them etc. and get yourself a bit of rest. Even half an hour can make a huge difference.

Also just to add, there is a strange pressure that exists to EBF that I wasn’t expecting when I became a mum for the first time. It was incredibly overwhelming and I’d really encourage you to think about what works for you in the here and now rather than a sense of “duty” or “guilt”.

It's mad isn't it.. But christ it makes you feel kickass years later when you think about it. I'd had a very messy emergency section and had to care for a little non sleeping human without being able to walk, all on my own. OP one of mine only slept in bed next to me, with no pillows, duvet and just 2 ight blankets for each of us. It's amazing how they know the difference between that and a cot

Congratulations ❤️ hospital is tough and it’s early days and you are sleep deprived. Agree with other posters, get your partner to take baby while you get proper sleep first. Use ear plugs and eye mask if necessary. Them tag team after that. You will be absolutely fine and this will pass too and you’ll both be able to get sleep I promise. When baby is another few week older a soft wrap/sling is the business, just follow all ticks guidelines. Our Littles often fell asleep in the wrap and we managed to transfer her to crib then which was a game changer! Best of luck and make sure it you to get some sleep first, partner afterwards xx

Is there a single room you can occupy? I was moved to one when I had to stay in for a week. Bliss! Worth asking.

Absolutely agree there should be no pressure on mums on how they chose to feed their babies it’s such a personal decision no idea why people think they can weigh in so much. However, I found the opposite to you, I breastfed until my children were around 2 and the pressure and “kind” advice to give them a bottle was insane even from when they were a few weeks old, I was completely happy to breastfeed but still got this advice from people, so I guess you can’t win no matter what you choose 🤷‍♀️