What happens to adults who live with their parents when those parents die

[Trafficggehbbfnf]

What does happen to adult children who never leave home and then the parents inevitably die. Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

We have this in our family. It wasn’t a big deal in the 20s (many others in that situation), became an issue in the 30s as relationships with siblings and parents were disrupted, more so in the 40s and now in the 50s the inevitable next step needs to be considered and fast.

I thought parents were being compassionate, but now it is clear that the adult child would have benefitted hugely from support to live independently while they had a chance to forge an independent life alongside their peers. Not saying this can’t be done at 50+, but will obviously be harder.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Sorry, English not first language. Please don’t think this is taking a grudge at people who live at home. It isn’t, and we know many situations where it worked for the benefit of all, but this situation is not so good and very difficult. It is also not so bad the sidbling would need or get official help.

Are you talking someone with a health condition or disability or something like autism? Or just someone who randomly never left home

The siblings have no responsibility or obligation to this person.

Are they unable to live independently or just socially isolated?

If the person in question has mental capacity and a reasonable level of intelligence then I'm afraid it's up to them to sort out this problem. Social Services and the local council may be the ones to help with accomodation etc. The person would need to be able to access benefits to meet basic living expenses, housing benefit etc.

@MichaelBurnhamFan i don’t think they have any diagnosis, but clearly have a lot of issues including with others. No disability or health issues. Don’t want to say anymore on their specific issues that may be outing.

We have a 25 yr old adult living with us. We had hoped to get him into supported housing but, due to a shortage, the best thing they can offer is a normal tenancy with a care package. That is not enough so he is staying with us for the time being.

We went via a solicitor and applied to the courts for a guardianship order. We also changed our will.

If we both die soon, our house will be sold and his siblings will take over the guardianship. They will use the money from our house to buy him a flat in a 'safe' area (where hopefully he wont end up with druggies and drunks taking it over)

And then he will just need to make do with the package of care plan.

If you are in the UK, you/your parents need to do a similar thing to have any legal right to help your sibling.

If he has capacity, you could go for power of attorney. Otherwise, guardianship. A solicitor will do everything and the fee can be paid from the disabled person's benefits. It cost us £400 about 3 years ago.

This is going to be my brother! (mid 50s, independent but probably mild autism).
As a sibling Im honestly leaving him to it, not my problem!
Sounds harsh but Im not much better socially then him and I dragged myself into independent living and forced myself to be a fully functioning adult. He could of done that too, but didnt so hopefully he is preparing himself to live alone in future!

Obviously Im not talking about somebody with special needs who really cant cope alone.

This is really good advice.

Speaking as the parent of a child likely never to leave home, I am absolutely terrified about what will happen when I die.

I really hate this attitude.

Oh @Trafficggehbbfnf - if no disabilities, will they not get left an inheritance to either stay in the parental home, move elsewhere? Or claim benefits?

This is not your responsibility. Speak to your parents but if there's full capacity they should be able to sort themselves out.

How much of this is about inheritance? Is your wish to sell the house when your parents die and you are concerned that your brother having lived there all his life will prevent or delay this?

It's really up to the parents to make provision as a PP has mentioned. It's very important that it is planned in advance so everyone knows what will happen.

I know a couple of families in this situation and in both cases there are supportive siblings, but it varies from family to family and parents shouldn't assume that siblings will automatically take on another adult.

There is an excellent podcast about this - will see if i can find and link. In England, it's not called guardianship (we are Scotland) but there is a similar thing.

So a lot depends on the circumstances.

If the adult still living with their parents has major health or mental health issues or is disabled then a level of support from social care can be expected.

How much support depends on the health/development problems. For example many adults with severe autism live with their parents. Upon their parents death they usually move into either care homes specialising in that disability/issue or supported living.

In the U.K. it is rare for siblings to take them in - they are not expected to and also these people usually have a level of care needs that make it difficult to care for them and keep a job/look after children.

If the person has no health issues and no care needs then... usually the parents either leave the house to them in which case they continue living there but without the parents or the inheritance is divided up in which case the house needs to be sold and they cause massive problems because they have no life experience and don't want to live anywhere else.

I disagree. Of course siblings should help each other up to a point.

Why? Why should somebody be obligated to another adult with no disabilities or health issues just because they share a blood line? The OP has said that the adult in question is difficult, dishonest and obsessive and has made things awful for others in the family. Why should siblings be responsible for that? Obviously parents make the choice to have a child and so it’s reasonable to expect them to be supportive even if that child is difficult but the OP didn’t choose to have a sibling and shouldn’t be obligated to support a difficult adult sibling, especially at the cost of their own children’s wellbeing.

Thank you all.

Full capacity so not the case where we could or would have guardianship. Full sympathy for parents and siblings in this situation.

Husbands sibling. Two other siblings, but one abroad and all others with DC.

Not about inheritance. I presume they will stay in the house, but that is not my consideration as it is not my parents.

I have a cousin like this , late 40s he never left home. I suspect he has mild issues, no diagnosis. He has a job, can drive, was married (divorced) can do some cooking and basic things ( he is lazy imo). His mum sometimes away for a few weeks so obviously he can look after himself. When she die he will continue to live in the house. He doesn’t have siblings. He has another cousin at the same city who I would guess help a bit in emergency like visit him at the hospital but in general I would expect living at home cousin just to crack on.
Your question is unclear tbh.

And if they fall between the cracks? Too high needs to cope alone, but not high enough to access any level of social services support?

https://pcls.org.uk/about/#

@MrsSchrute open the link and select "latest" Even if you are not in Scotland, this is well worth a listen.

Depends what the will says surely?

We have this in our family and my parents have made good plans.

House will go in its entirety to the sibling and he and I will work through a 2 year plan to downsize him to something smaller. This will allow him capital reserves to run a small house alongside working in his job.

We have put our house in trust for ds2 who is autistic. We're unsure of his ability to function independently so at least he'll have a roof over his head. We're constantly trying to help him become independent enough to look after himself and perhaps hold down some sort of job. I think sometimes the kickback from children is so bad that parents take the easiest and least confrontational option just to keep the peace. Ours makes suicide threats if we push him too hard, but there's no other family to take responsibility for him so what can we do? It's destroying our mental and physical health though.

This is why it's important to get a diagnosis because it helps them to get through the system. You never stop parenting these people.

MrsSchrute · Today 10:50

alpacachino · Today 10:36
The siblings have no responsibility or obligation to this person.

I really hate this attitude

Why? We’re responsible for our children until they’re adults. Certainly not responsible for anyone else. Help out by all means if that’s what you want to do but some people just don’t want to for all sorts of reasons, which is equally ok.

Im hoping my parents have plans for this too!
I wouldnt want the stress of sorting out my brothers life for him. Obviously if he was ill/injured Id be there for him but he has had countless opportunities over the years for education, promotions, social life, etc and has given them all up as it might be too difficult.
I dont think you have to be responsible for someone you just happen to be related to.