What happens to adults who live with their parents when those parents die

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What does happen to adult children who never leave home and then the parents inevitably die. Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

We have this in our family. It wasn’t a big deal in the 20s (many others in that situation), became an issue in the 30s as relationships with siblings and parents were disrupted, more so in the 40s and now in the 50s the inevitable next step needs to be considered and fast.

I thought parents were being compassionate, but now it is clear that the adult child would have benefitted hugely from support to live independently while they had a chance to forge an independent life alongside their peers. Not saying this can’t be done at 50+, but will obviously be harder.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Sorry, English not first language. Please don’t think this is taking a grudge at people who live at home. It isn’t, and we know many situations where it worked for the benefit of all, but this situation is not so good and very difficult. It is also not so bad the sidbling would need or get official help.

How incapable does a person have to be to get into supported accommodation, do you know?

Apologies for quoting your entire post, but it's easier than picking out parts of it.

My view is this is not your problem. The only part that concerns you is to limit contact with your children (who must be early teens or older) if you don't like how he speaks to them.

But it's really none your business if his parents and your PIL look after him and don't ask him to contribute more "but are also living like a child with meals cooked, laundry done, plus no activities outside the home without the parents."

You mention '3 decades' - so is their son in his 30s? Many men that age live at home and their Mum's cook for them and do the laundry.

The way you talked about him, I assumed he was someone who was in his late 50s or 60s and you were worried about how he'd live alone.
This isn't so is it? He's just in his 30s, lives at home and is a bit of a loner. Maybe he's 'different' but if he holds down a job now, not having friends etc isn't your problem. Maybe he's happy as he is.

You've not given any hint of him being incapable of living alone- just that he doesn't choose to. And his parents may enjoy having him at home.

The only part that is relevant to your husband is what happens when his parents die. Presumably the family home would be sold and each sibling inherit a share. In that case, this son still at home would be wise to invest /save as much as possible so they can buy their own home when the time comes if their share of the inheritance (if any!) isn't enough.

You're criticising your in laws for how they live and it's nothing to do with you.

Friends two sisters did nothing one in 70s, one in 60s. They have a brother in 60s. Their mother died a couple of years ago. After the funeral they went in cleared out mums stuff, cleaned the house that was left to brother from top to bottom. Five bedrooms, sitting room, dining room, kitchen all left spotless.

In two years he's started hoarding the house is now bulging at the seams. Garden a wilderness. It's grim. There's nothing they can do.

The mother was cooking, washing, cleaning until carers became involved but only for her.

Brother as fit as a flea but eccentric. To be honest I don't know what the OPs family can do.

I have a friend who worries about this. One DS, in his thirties, she is over seventy. He will of course inherit the house, but he knows NOTHING about paying bills, cooking meals, laundry, how to run a home. I have been trying to encourage her to let him learn from her (he is autistic, reasonably high functioning but will never have a job as he can't be left - wanders off mid-task etc) but she keeps saying 'oh, I try but he just isn't interested'. I'd love to tell her to MAKE him interested and tell him what will happen if he doesn't learn, but again, it's not my business. She does seem to think that he's more high functioning that he really is and will just 'get it' when she's not around.

I know someone like this. I had a neighbour who lived with his mum up until her death (he was in his 50s when she passed away)..He had full capacity and was in a professional job (engineer) but was a bit eccentric. He was never known to have a relationship and preferred to rollerblade for hours around the park. He's nearly 60 and still doing tha and has like-minded friends so they just rollerblade and play games. He's happy and doing well.

This was the same with my aunt. When she died (she was the main tenant) and it became clear that my cousin couldn't pay the rent regularly or keep the (tiny) house clean, the landlord issued a Section 21 and made him homeless — and my cousin and everyone else seemed to expect us to house him for free and pay all his bills as his mother had. We refused and he ended up in the awful rented caravan...

There's no point in trying to get social services involved if there's family around: social services will always rely on conscientious family members being emotionally blackmailed into stepping in. And I can understand that. If they didn't do that, 20% of the population would be seeking to offload inconvenient relatives on them.

The only reason that something was eventually done was because the bailiff guessed that my cousin was being coerced into committing financial crime and actually went to the police and made a statement. I and my cousins had reported the situation to the police several times but it was ignored. All the bodies — social services, police, GP — exert pressure for families to solve the problem. If I were you @RedToothBrush I would not encourage anyone from my family to get involved unless your step-grandmother has planned ahead and made plans, like providing money for those left to deal with the problem. I had to make innumerable 500-mile round trips, many involving an overnight stay in a travel lodge or B+B, in attempts to sort my cousin out. Other relatives (mainly cousins) did similar. We reckon he's cost us around £12k in the last four years.

There are some people who are extremely difficult to help and IME they have to reach rock bottom before anyone will intervene. No one wants to take this kind of thing on, it's a thankless task.

I don't see how this is relevant to the OP.
In this case, the family home was left to one sibling. That was the parent's wishes.

What the OP's husband could do if he wanted to is to ask what his parents' will says because he's concerned about what happens to the house when they die.

But that looks money grabbing.

Or he could start a conversation with his brother along those lines.

@MakeMineaDigestivePlease

50s. I meant most people would move out in their 20s, but this hasn’t happened and they have stayed at home for three decades as an adult.

I mentioned the meals and laundry as it does raise questions how they will manage alone. They seem to have become more reliant as the parents have aged, not the other way around.

How my in-laws live is up to them, but the situation is very difficult and there is a big change coming up. I want to help/support DH to help. It also does impact us all in the family as we should do the right thing and support, but also have to protect our own families. Overall it has been really helpful to hear opinions and experiences as this issue is rarely discussed.

There is no evidence he cannot live alone.

He's chosen to live at home.

He has no friends but that's his choice.

Posters here are missing the point. This is not someone with MH issues or incapable of living independently.

OP just doesn't like his attitude to her kids or how he and his parents criticise her parenting skills.

I think these scenarios will become increasingly common with the rising cost of housing and more and more young adults being unable to leave home☹️

Without being booted out of the nest some people will never get the motivation to fend for themselves, these days it's very difficult for parents to kick their adult children out because they have very little chance of finding affordable accommodation. The housing crisis will leave us with large numbers of adults who never had a chance to grow up properly.

Sounds like they have some sort of personality disorder OP, which are mental health conditions.
if they have something like narcissistic traits these people think the whole world revolves round them so would be quite happy being looked after.
They are also capable of looking after themselves too. They just find it difficult getting on with other people as when things go wrong, everything is everyone else’s fault and that can cause problems in life.

It's complex isn't it.

I have a strained relationship with one of my parents - who I was actually estranged from for most of my childhood and until I became a young adult - yet I still feel obliged to provide them with support as they age.

This is almost certainly as a result of the loving, stable upbringing that I was afforded by my other parent.

However, I also have a disabled child and I have absolutely no intention for their sibling to be responsible for their care. I intend to set up trusts whilst support disabled DC with becoming as independent as possible. My DC has had a lot of their childhood impacted by their siblings needs, I refuse to let it impact their entire life.

Your children must surely be adults now if your BIL is in his 50s- like your husband? Or late teens? They don't need protecting .

Honestly, what comes over is it looks as if you're worried about your H getting his share of his parents' home.

How my in-laws live is up to them, but the situation is very difficult and there is a big change coming up.

The big change is in your head. The difficult part is your own thoughts and how you dislike the set-up.

It's slightly unusual, but not unheard of, for single men to live at home with their parents.

The only change is whether your BIL will carry on living in the house when his parents die which may not be for another 10 or 20 years.

This is no concern of yours, other than the possible inheritance.
You clearly don't like this man, so why are you so bothered about his welfare in the future?

He can learn to cook or buy ready meals and use the washing machine.

Assisted living is not always the right option if you want your autistic DC to keep living ..,

'We had to investigate our autistic son's death' www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-manchester-67777938

@MakeMineaDigestivePlease

It is unfortunately quite a bit more than that.

Very critical in strange ways of everyone/everything. The two people they get on with are their elderly parents who put up with a very difficult living environment as a result.

The concerning attitude is to all nieces and nephews, as I said. Also to work colleagues and neighbors- I didn’t mention this before, but it is part of the pattern.

There are fairly clear indications of quite bad MH issues, which I mentioned in an earlier post, but won’t go into further as I don’t want this to be outing.

Children are younger than late teens. I am younger than DH.

Southern Europe, so not the house values or SS support of the northern countries. Absolutely not about inheritance. Would be a relief for everyone if they could stay in the house and look after it.

Why are you so emotionally invested in your BIL?

You make it sound so altruistic, yet it could also be around the money and the house.

Honestly, it's not your call to start saying he has MH issues.

There is a huge spectrum of human behaviour. Just because someone is a bit odd and different, doesn't mean they can't cope. It just means they don't fit your 'narrative' of what is normal. He may be neurodiverse but that doesn't mean he can't live independently when the time comes.

You're not his parent. Can't you see that you're falling into the role of his 'rescuer' when it's nothing to do with you?

I wish posters would say where they live right at the start or a lot of advice is pointless.

Your teenage children are quite capable of saying 'I don't want to visit Uncle X today as he's odd and I don't like being there.'

@MakeMineaDigestivePlease If you want to throw around accusations about my intentions please at least read the posts so you are basing this on what has already been said about the situation.

Thank you to the many posters who have shared opinions and experiences.

I've a bil who is similar but doesn't work and barely leaves the house. Dh has said he wants nothing to do with caring for his brother and I have to respect his wishes. Pil have had plenty opportunities and the money to get bil some kind of diagnosis but they left it too late and now he refuses. Bil couldn't pay a bill and refuses to wash a cup. He's also a very nasty individual as well. Thankfully we live in a different country so it won't become our problem

From the OP:
we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

If this person was a MIL or even a birth parent, the overwhelming advice on Mumsnet would be to go NC. Why is it different for a sibling (who OP says has capacity)?

This is a complex situation because I think it depends on the relationships between the individuals. There is a lot of autism in our family so there is a lot of people in similar circumstances to the ones you describe. I think this is true of anyone with difficult personality traits but unless they are a very skilled narcissist, i.e. skilled in manipulating others to get their needs met then people with difficult personalities will struggle to get support from people who know them best. Easier people with easier personalities will get more support. My son with ASD gets huge support from his siblings because he has some very likeable traits and they are very closely bonded to him whereas that is not always the case. There is never going to be a single answer to this situation - it is entirely dependent on the relationships.

Another friend her youngest has issues but she went tough love, bought him a terraced cottage in the village, taught him how to use the cooker, washing machine etc. set up a trust 20 years ago naming siblings as executors so when she dies he'll be cared for. When he dies the trust money will be split for living relatives who are left. There's plenty of money so he'll be well looked after, he's pretty independent now anyway.

I can't see why you are so worked up about the issue.

I've read all of your posts. Every one.

Why if you dislike this BIL so much do you care about his future in 10 or 20 years' time?

What will happen is he will sink or swim.
He'll either change his behaviour and learn to look after himself, or he won't.

None of it really affects you unless your H feels he is responsible and steps in.

The person who you need to discuss this with is your husband. If he's not worried, why are you? It's his brother.

And if you dislike how the family behave towards you, don't go and visit them.