What happens to adults who live with their parents when those parents die

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What does happen to adult children who never leave home and then the parents inevitably die. Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

We have this in our family. It wasn’t a big deal in the 20s (many others in that situation), became an issue in the 30s as relationships with siblings and parents were disrupted, more so in the 40s and now in the 50s the inevitable next step needs to be considered and fast.

I thought parents were being compassionate, but now it is clear that the adult child would have benefitted hugely from support to live independently while they had a chance to forge an independent life alongside their peers. Not saying this can’t be done at 50+, but will obviously be harder.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Sorry, English not first language. Please don’t think this is taking a grudge at people who live at home. It isn’t, and we know many situations where it worked for the benefit of all, but this situation is not so good and very difficult. It is also not so bad the sidbling would need or get official help.

Nothing to do with her? Of course it has something to do with her, he is her husband’s brother.

@qwerty1972 huge respect to you. I hope you manage to find a way to take the breaks you deserve with your husband again.

Wow, he sounds unbelievably "high functioning"... 🙄🙄

I have something similar. My brother 48 still lives with my mum, her in her late 70s. He works, has no issues and my mum rents the house. He is named as whatever you call it so the house rental will pass on to him, so he is ok on that score. However their relationship is so utterly pathetic to me. She cooks his every meal,does his washing,pays for his glasses, mends his car infact she finances everything for the two of them,despite him earning nearly 3000 per month. He has never paid a bill or rent or anything. She even now gets up at 6.30 a,m to "see" to him. She makes his sandwiches,makes sure he has money for petrol and waves him off,she gets up to make sure he gets up in time and doesn't miss his alarm..he lets her do all this with no shame. She even rings us weeks in advance to tell us of his birthday or christmas wants for his presents so we don't forget. It is utterly pathetic and infuriating to me. He is selfish. lazy and entitled and she thinks its ok. He checks in with her on the phone 4 times a day during his working hours and as he drives for a living he often has a nap in his cab upon which he he calls her and asks her to ring him to make sure he is awake to continue his run and she does. I sit and cringe at this and find it all so unhealthy but she has always enabled him. He is still her little soldier. When she dies she has told me I need to see to him and a will was done where I have to sort everything out but as I told her I will sort out the estate and then he sees to himself like any other normal,functioning adult will! I will not be doing his shopping,cooking,cleaning sorting the bills not a chance. He did live on his own and did so successfully but he got fed up of paying for that so he by choice moved home. He should be loaded as he pays nothing to live now,She gladly pays it all. The whole situation is beyond me. It is too pathetic for any words I have to sum it up. He is entitled and she enables it. I shall not be a party to any of it. When she dies I will execute her wishes, give him what I need to and then he is on his own, whatever he does after that its up to him and not my problem. One thing do know is that it will come as quite a shock to him and he will have to dip his hands in his pockets to pay for himself cos I am not my mum and I won;t "see "to him!

There's an old boy my husband has known all his life. Lived with his mum until she died. The house is now in an awful state. Friends put in a new bathroom for him but he can no longer climb the stairs. His car is ancient. He's stopped bathing so smells awful.

One friend with a strong stomach does go in to sort out paperwork for him, says he's absolutely loaded.

The windows are rotting, as are the curtains, furniture it's like miss havisham inside. Apparently when he dies the house will have to be demolished.

Blimey @itsjustbiology that's extreme, I'd be steering well clear of him when he has to fend for himself😬

When your parents are elderly they could employ a cleaner even if they feel they don't need one, so it's in place before they die and your brother is used to the cleaner coming in and the fact they need paying. That helps prevent the house turning into a tip.

Your parents can try to teach your brother how to report repairs and maintenance to the property. He can do that now under their supervision and it won't be a totally unfamiliar thing to him when they die and he's left in charge of the house.

As he's working, utility bills could be put in your brother's name with direct debits and your parents pay whatever amount they'd usually pay into his bank account instead. This assumes he has charge of his bank account and is capable of administering it correctly. If someone else has charge of it because he's incapable or if he's going to spend every penny in there as soon as he can, that won't help much. If he can't manage his bank account that's something else to tell social services when your parents aren't there to do it for him.

You could get the contact information from your parents for the housing association and council. So you can contact both when your parents die to let them know your brother will need tenancy support because he can't function well enough alone. The council can allocate him a support worker to help with things like paying bills, claiming benefits, household admin etc. This is separate to social services, who you can also inform that he needs a care act assessment, which might result in no help if he functions well enough to work but it's worth asking.

You can get a key safe put on the wall outside and know the code, in case someone who doesn't have a key needs to gain access in an emergency to help your brother.

Your brother could also persue a diagnosis now, things have changed lately and MH/ND issues are better understood than they used to be in the past. There's no harm in pointing out to the doctor that whilst it's maybe not going to make any difference in the here and now, it may make all the difference to have a diagnosis once your parents are no longer around. It's about pre-empting problems rather than waiting until there's a crisis.

@justasking111 will he accept it if someone contacts social services to do an occupational therapy assessment for him? He needs a stairlift and maybe a downstairs wetroom. Even if he has to pay for it due to his savings levels. He's obviously not capable of sorting it out himself. If he was bathing before and it's only disability stopping him, he may be open to the idea of adaptations but have no idea the option exists. If the house is falling down around him, he may even qualify for social housing for over 50s/disabled or a care home, with his house being sold / savings used to pay for it.

Has anyone suggested to him that he gets new windows, curtains, a cleaner? He may not know how to go about it or even have thought of it. Just because it's obvious to others doesn't mean it's obvious to him. It would be a shame if he wants these things and can afford to pay for them but has no idea it's a possibility.

I wish they'd stop using that terminology and come up with something else. It means high functioning compared to the full range of autistic people. But to those who don't know that, which is most people, it's just sounds like "he's fine", which is incredibly unhelpful to the person with the condition.

The attitude is negative because it involves a person within your own family, they are not only the responsibility society in general.

A person who is living like this isn't 'well' even if they don't have a diagnosis. These are the real mental health issues that get confused by us all bleating about how difficult our life is, and often using this to avoid stepping up to help anyone but ourselves.

Helping someone in our family or at least having a compassionate attitude towards them, is the very least responsibility we all have.

Several people in my extended family have siblings living with them. Some not even SN. It's very hard..Much as it is romanticised.

Being related to someone doesn't mean you have to be kind to them, look after them and enable them when doing so is damaging to yourself.

Sometimes going NC and/or leaving them to their own devices is the only way. Why should i be compassionate to my uncle when he's never shown anyone an ounce of compassion in his entire life?

I think in deciding what’s best for the future it’s important to start from a place of kindness, no matter what the person has said or done in the past. They are probably very anxious about the future after your parents pass away, and any change to their living arrangements will feel like a massive, life-changing upheaval (it’s stressful enough for those of us who’ve left home and lived independently!). Talking to them gently when they’re in a good mood about what they would be most comfortable with and including them in the decision has to be a good start, surely. Of course you’ll need to be clear from the outset about what you as their sibling are comfortable with, too. Good luck!

I’ve worked in housing previously and often seen cases like this. Local authority have housed and linked in with a local support network to settle them, county council will fund a support worker/look after finances for those eligible

I would guess many of them end up homeless.

Thank you @Breathedeeper This is really what we are aiming for. We will support them, but also need boundaries (I hate that word, but can’t think what else to use). In practice I imagine it will still be quite difficult.

I suspect PIL have always tried to protect them, from being ‚labelled‘ and then having to struggle as an adult. But they have missed out on support and independence.

@Trafficggehbbfnf yes I’m sure your PIL probably just wanted to shield them, as you say. Our society doesn’t always have the right support for people who don’t quite fit the mould and dance to their own rhythm!

And I think you’re right, it’ll probably still be difficult in practice whatever you all decide. But if you can set and hold those boundaries I suspect you should be able to manage and perhaps reduce the impact of the challenges on you, your partner and kids. Keep expectations realistic, as it sounds like you are.

And there can be some very helpful benefits to having someone in the family who is less independent (obviously depends on their personality, habits, mental health, etc.). They can surprise you with their capabilities and resilience, and can sometimes offer help where other ‘high-functioning’ people (best way to put it I can think of!) are not able to. So there may even be some positives. All the best.