What happens to adults who live with their parents when those parents die

[Trafficggehbbfnf]

What does happen to adult children who never leave home and then the parents inevitably die. Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

We have this in our family. It wasn’t a big deal in the 20s (many others in that situation), became an issue in the 30s as relationships with siblings and parents were disrupted, more so in the 40s and now in the 50s the inevitable next step needs to be considered and fast.

I thought parents were being compassionate, but now it is clear that the adult child would have benefitted hugely from support to live independently while they had a chance to forge an independent life alongside their peers. Not saying this can’t be done at 50+, but will obviously be harder.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Sorry, English not first language. Please don’t think this is taking a grudge at people who live at home. It isn’t, and we know many situations where it worked for the benefit of all, but this situation is not so good and very difficult. It is also not so bad the sidbling would need or get official help.

Given the number of families with one child, this seems like a particularly awful comment.

I mean "best have two kids so there's a backup to wipe your arse should you need it", rather than thinking that perhaps we should be a bit more civilised as a state and have adequete health and social care, is hardly a progressive comment.

Yes hes the brother in law. And your point is?

Have you missed the many many threads and the social observation that women tend to end up with the caring responsibilities in their family? And this often includes the in-laws not just their blood relatives.

The impact of a blood relative has a tendacy to affect spouses in these situations.

WTF is the matter with you? Post after post along these lines (I think they're all you, CBA to go back and check).

It's blindingly obvious OP is concerned about if her DH decides to house this man in the future, a man who is deeply unpleasant to be around, likely has some form of medical mental issue and who needs some form of carer/ supported living arrangement - and the negative impact that would have on her life and her immediate family's lives.

So she's wondering what happens to others in this situation. Probably hoping to get some ideas for a solution that does not involve her, as the "default female" in the house, ending up as his carer.

She's flagged his character and the dysfunctional family dynamics so posters can be clear that someone else taking him in isn't an option either, because pages and pages of posts suggesting that wouldn't be helpful to her.

No need to get so cross.

The Op has never said what you've imagined.

The other side of this is he's idle, happy for his parents to look after him, and is impatient with his teenage nieces and nephews.

I know a few middle aged men like that too.

They aren' t as rare as you might think and they don't have MH issues. And when they are on their own they manage to cope very well.
It would be very different if he was physically disabled or unable to live alone, rather than (as it seems here) choosing to.

@Trafficggehbbfnf

Unfortunately, if the people involved (DH's parents & the 'child' in question) aren't going to sort out his future, there is nothing you or DH can do about that.

But what you CAN do is you and DH sit down together and decide what you will and won't do. That, for example, you both agree that brother will never live with you but that DH would be willing to do his grocery shopping (brother must pay for it). These are just examples, you and DH need to decide for yourselves. And then at some point it needs to be made clear to DH's parents and DH's siblings that these are the decisions the you of you have made. And that these decisions are written in stone whether they like it or not. It's best if it's communicated early so that there are no 'surprises' when the time comes. And it also gives DH's siblings time to make their own decisions. Perhaps if all the siblings do the same, that might make your iLs open their eyes.

The problem in these situations is that the people involved assume that those around them (the siblings & niblings) will be only too happy to step in and take over everything that the parents are doing. You need to make it clear that in your case this will NOT be happening.

And if your DH isn't cooperative in making joint decisions, then you make your own decisions for yourself. And tell your DH what you have decided and that the rest is up to him.

I didn’t have kids to lumber them with looking after me in my old age. I plan on downsizing when I retire and gifting them a reasonable deposit for a home. If I go downhill I’ll have to pay for care and take my chances with what our society has to offer at that point.

I am not sure now with the housing situation. SIL (different one) and BIL have moved in with his mother together with their baby at age 32 and 35 and I suspect will stay there possibly till the end and ultimately inherit the house (BIL's brothers moved out and will just have to accept it). They both worked abroad and had jobs, just that BIL is now a commission only realtor and the way cost of living is means that it may be years or never before he is able to afford to live a dignified life on his own income esp eith a child (and he will probably have more).

DH has 3 siblings, he is the only one living in his own home now and they are all in their 20s and 30s though we did live with his mum in our 20s to save a deposit to buy. In fact in his generation, only 3 out of 8 live outside the family or in law's home and DH is the only one who owns, one is a student and the other rents privately.. ironically we are the ones who live in the most expensive place, London.

So many many people would probably never move out of parents house and have nothing wrong with them. They will probably inherit parents home in full.

The housing situation is so tough @ginger2026. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to get on the property ladder in a UK city. In southern Europe it is has always been really common to live at home through the 20s. But then people tend to move for marriage/careers, though some come back to look after their parents and take on the house.

This situation is different though as there will highly likely be some care needs (paranoia, parts of the house taped off, so the potential for a spiral) and nothing is in place. Will be very difficult for the next generation to deal with as they are very easily upset by children. We have no intention of completely abandoning them, but also no way to support the current situation as PIL are basically held hostage by it and worse pretend everything is normal. Sorry for English mistakes.

Strangely enough, in some ways, I feel that had I not been to university and become independent there, I'd have probably stayed at home much longer than expected. I'm 43 now,.but have no diagnosed ND although I'm pretty sure I am slightly on the spectrum. Therefore, I'm sure I have a bit of ADHD/autistic traits which affect my overall ability to organise my life. I'm degree educated with a DH, 3 DC and had a good publishing career before I had a head injury a decade ago, but I think I might self sabotage my life options and potential by being the way I am.

My parents have always mollycoddled me from a young age, and even now, are extremely supportive financially and emotionally, in spite of my excellent kind DH. I'm sure if it wasn't for their help, I'd have struggled hugely much more.

My late DB was forever someone who needed constant support, but did live on his own albeit with huge help in doing general household tasks like washing, cleaning etc. He was almost like a Kevin the teenager, addicted to weed, and jobless. He was very intelligent but had no real gumption and relied on my parents far too much. I dread to think how stressful they might have found it now that they're older, supporting him more. If he'd survived cancer, it might have aged them faster.

So sorry for your loss @ForeverDelayedEpiphany Your parents sound amazing to be able to offer so much support and yet allow independence.

My ex-SIL has a DS with learning difficulties, OCD etc. She spoke to Adult Social Care and they have said that when she and her husband die, they will find him a place in some sort of supported living accommodation.

I feel like we need some sort of supportive but self sufficient communities for people who find it hard to function. Or is that a ridiculously naïve idea?

Quite, everyone on here bemoaning OP’s lack of fraternal feeling is assuming this sibling is a gentle unworldly soul like Forrest Gump, when they may actually be more like Begbie from Trainspotting…

Thanks @Saschka The situation is the middle ground between those two extremes. So very difficult for them and the rest of the family, but not at a point where realistically the State or charities would get involved.

I was friendly with a guy like this his mother died and he took over her council tenancy.

I have seen this happen. The person continued to live alone in the mothers house. Turned into a shit pile that was a health hazard. Solicitors had to be appointed to act as executor and they evicted him and cleaned up and sold the house. Unsure where he ended up in the end, but he will have got the proceeds of the property sale, after the debts paid and solicitors fees etc. He was a revolting man who didn't deserve it and had been enabled by his mother imo!

This is a really interesting thread as my brother lives with my mum&dad in their council house and is almost 40. He has autism and other learning disabilities but nothing officially diagnosed so not under social care. He is named on the tenancy and has a job but could definitely not function to run a house/sort bills etc. Due to meeting my DH I live 170 miles away with our 3 children so there’s no way I could help him when our parents pass so I wonder what would happen. i am close to my parents but not my siblings so noway would I ever have him living with with me either.

That would be ideal for some people. There are so many that have difficulties and really would benefit from something like this.

I guess this is a prime example as to why a diagnosis is vital. It’s fine when their parents are around but the day they aren’t, they will be stuck if no one knows of their difficulties

Thank you, I think he has tried and know my mum tried all through school but autism wasn’t as well known/diagnosed back then. I think my dad hopes he may pass away just before they do so they don’t need to worry about him as awful as that sounds. He has diabetes and an awful diet/overweight so is a possibility. If I lived nearer I wouldn’t mind calling in once/twice a week to check on him but 340 mile/6 hour round journey isn’t possible more than once a month whilst working and with my own 3 DC. My sister still lives nearby but she doesn’t drive but she probably would check in once a week or so.

His parents should never leave him in this school to start with.

This happened in my exs family.
There were 3 siblings, the eldest and youngest lived elsewhere hut middle sibling never left home.
He continued living there when both parents went onto care homes, they both passed away within 3 months of each other.
After the second one passed away the house went to the 3 siblings who put it uo for Sale. The housing found a home for the middle sibling along with the family dog.
He was late 40s at this point, we all believe he's autistic but never been diagnosed. He lives alone now and he gets by but he wasted his share of the inheritance and relies heavily on his adult neices and older sister for help with day to day stuff like shopping and paying bills.

When my grandparents died my aunt (who had never lived independently) came to live with my Mum and me. My mum is now in a nursing home in palliative care and therefore my aunt is now with me, my husband and my children. Fortunately, although she requires a lot of care and support, she is docile and kindly towards everyone. Obviously it would be very different if the person needing care was violent/dangerous, but in my particular case, I could never have left her to the mercy of the authorities. She's family and therefore my responsibility. I won't pretend it is always easy - she can't be left alone and would be very distressed in respite and therefore my husband and I haven't been on holiday at the same time for a couple of years.

I have been in this position with an uncle. Never left home but he was able to work and travel all over the world - just never fancied standing on his own two feet.

Probably neurodivergent, but never diagnosed, but to be honest that describes practically my whole family and he's the only one who never moved out. He's also always been a nasty piece of work but we had to tolerate him because he was golden boy as far as my grandparents were concerned.

Anyway, he engineered it so he had my grandparents house willed to him. Once both gparents died, he accused the rest of us of stealing from him (bit rich seeing as he coerced my grandparents into ensuring he was the sole beneficiary of the will - he had 3 other siblings who got nothing) and spread awful lies about us all so we all went NC with him. Hopefully he's very happy in his inherited house with no family. We are all certainly happier for having nothing to do with him.

I know someone who has recently sorted this to an extent. Her brother was still living with parents who are in their mid 70s, I don’t think he’s had a diagnosis as such.
When the small house next to hers came up for sale they bought it with her parents. It was a complete wreck and therefore cheap, so they have done it up and now her brother lives there. I think this is to force him into some independence and out of the full time care of his parents.