What happens to adults who live with their parents when those parents die

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What does happen to adult children who never leave home and then the parents inevitably die. Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

We have this in our family. It wasn’t a big deal in the 20s (many others in that situation), became an issue in the 30s as relationships with siblings and parents were disrupted, more so in the 40s and now in the 50s the inevitable next step needs to be considered and fast.

I thought parents were being compassionate, but now it is clear that the adult child would have benefitted hugely from support to live independently while they had a chance to forge an independent life alongside their peers. Not saying this can’t be done at 50+, but will obviously be harder.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Sorry, English not first language. Please don’t think this is taking a grudge at people who live at home. It isn’t, and we know many situations where it worked for the benefit of all, but this situation is not so good and very difficult. It is also not so bad the sidbling would need or get official help.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive

Why do you children need protecting?

In my Asian extended family siblings take them in. Even if they don't have special needs. Nobody goes into assisted living/ a home or very rarely.
I often think that on MN people romanticise intergenerational living without considering the responsibilities that flow both ways.

My aunt never left home, no real reason that I know ,of just that she never met a partner, shecwas the oldest of six siblings ,when shecwss in her 40,s her and my grandparents moved to a nicer area and bought a house between them ,a few years later my grandad died and my grandmother became incapacitated, and moved into a nursing home ,my aunt stayed in the house and is still living there she's about 84 now she lives very close to her two sisters and remains close to all of her siblings and is very close to some of her nieces and nephews.

The parent(s) will have to make sure that any inheritance is specifically for housing needs otherwise social services may not step in to provide help, especially if the person says they don't need it even though they do... they'll refuse to move out of the family home which needs to be sold, end up in hospital and everything will go tits up (don't ask me how I know this!)

My first thought was the person is a drug addict with mental health related to that, or an alcoholic? but I may be wrong but that was my first thought

What responsibilities do siblings have

Legally, none.
Morality is upto you.

Either the person inherits the entire parents property (or buys the other inheritors share from them, perhaps using a mortgage) in which case they can carry on living there and will have to take over paying all the bills for the property and organising and paying for any maintenance or repairs needed. Or else the property needs to be sold and they're homeless.

If they're homeless they can look for a private rental, they have a job so someone will rent to them. They'll have to accept what they can afford, which might mean renting a room in a HMO instead of having a place of their own. It might mean living in a worse part of town or a different town altogether, if they can't afford to live in the area they're in now. They'll need a bond/deposit.

They may also need a guarantor. This is someone who agrees to pay the rent if the tenant doesn't pay for whatever reason, guarantor is a legal commitment. It means you could end up paying two lots of rent each month, yours and theirs, if they choose to stop paying the rent. Do not offer to be guarantor for anyone you don't like or trust. If they can't find a guarantor then they'll have to use the council homeless route below. Nobody is obligated to be guarantor for them and usually it's foolish to be guarantor for anyone, unless perhaps your own child if you trust them to pay the rent.

They can also report themselves (or be helped to do that) to the council as homeless and will be given temporary accommodation, then eventually permanent accommodation. Temporary isn't free though and can be expensive. As they have a job they'll have to pay it. There's no choice with temporary, you accept what you're given or the council don't have to help you at all. If they're on a low wage they can apply for Universal Credit and might get some to help with living expenses.

Permanent accommodation will be a one bedroom flat and could take years to get, depending on what area of the country they live in. Being homeless and in temporary accommodation does give a person higher priority though.

Social housing works on a bidding system. Their application will be processed and they'll be allocated a banding and some points, depending on their circumstances. Each week they need to log into the housing website and register their interest (which is what bidding is) on a certain number of available properties. In my area you get 4 bids per week. Eventually, they'll be allocated one of these properties, the day that they are the highest bidder. They may need help with bidding. If they bid on unsuitable properties they'll never be given one. Bidding on properties in the correct banding and with the number of bedrooms you need increases the chance of you being allocated that property.

Whether social or private housing, they'll have to obtain furniture and pay for a removal company, unless they have their own car or hire a van and can do multiple trips themselves, with friends helping them to load/unload. There are places to buy second hand furniture cheaply.

If the person can't manage to cope with living alone, report them to adult Social Services and ask for a care needs assessment. They might be allocated a social worker or support worker to help them find a new home and manage their tenancy, help them pay bills, shop for food and organise repairs etc. Social services will tell family they have to do it. It's a lie. Family don't have to look after relatives or help them out at all. So if you don't want to have a relationship with this relative OP, you don't have to, you're not responsible for them just because you're related to them. The only ones you're responsible for is your own children upto age 18, anyone else you help out is voluntary and you can stop at any time.

They don't though. If the siblings want to help they can but they didn't ask to have a sibling. They aren't their sibling's keeper.

Sure if the relationship is good they might feel they want to help out but if it's not then there's absolutely no need for the siblings to ever see each other.

Not everyone has a sunshine and rainbows relationship with their siblings.

Why? My DBIL will likely end up like this. He's in his 30s, no job other than some cash in hand, no willingness and ambition to even wash his own socks. He's not disabled, just lazy. DH has no responsibility over him, we have DC and I will sooner eat glass than let them act like this!

Unfortunately, my parents didn't want to disrupt my brother's life by making him more independent. He has learning difficulties and health issues, after our father died my DSis and I tried to persuade DM to get help for DB for him to have some kind of supported living in his own accommodation. She refused to do that, because she didn't want to throw him out!
When she died, the terms of her will stated the house must be sold immediately. So my DS and I then had to try to find him accommodation, as well as helping him deal with the trauma of our mother's death.
It was a nightmare, and to an extent, still is some 4 years later. He is unable to understand why he had to leave the only home he has ever known, he was even going to the house to confront the new owners.

Others could argue that it was selfish of an adult with no disability or health issue to freeload from parents and to act in ways which are difficult and dishonest and expect their siblings to continue to support them once the parents are no longer able to, especially when they have made things awful for the family in the past. You could also argue it was selfish of the parents not to put any support in place over the last 30 years and to just expect that their other children will continue to support this adult once they’re no longer able. We also don’t know what other family dynamics are in play, not everybody comes from a loving, stable home where all children were treated fairly and kindly and where toxic behaviour wasn’t the norm etc. There may be lots of reasons an adult doesn’t want anything to do with a sibling, if somebody is damaging to your own wellbeing you should be free to cut them off regardless of whether they are family.

Sometimes you have to be selfish.

Sure if the relationship is good then get involved. But not everyone gets on well with their siblings. Just because you are siblings doesn't mean you have to do anything.

Contact adult social care and request and assessment. Dont expect it quickly … unless he will be homeless.

Could you get some form of supported living for them? Or have them moved into smaller and manageable accommodation?

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I think about this a lot. I have a small child who will never be able to live by themselves due to disability.

We hope to get some form of supported living when they are older due to their disability. I wouldn’t want their sibling to have to deal with this.

This will happen to my SIL. We expect this for many reasons even though she is still young. She has the schedule of a hamster and lives in her room so unlike to meet anyone

We expect MIL to leave the house to her and have written off any inheritance from MIL

I think this situation is so variable its impossible to give an answer. An adult that's always lived with parents could vary massively from someone who's a bit lazy to quite severe special needs.

I would argue siblings have no innate responsibility and it is up to them what support they want to provide.

What to suggest this person can't function alone? Its hard to work out from your posts what support they may need, if any.

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OP - you might not expect an inheritance- but a lot will depend on what your PIL have written in their will. If they have left the house to your BIL, then as annoying as it is, it’s all quite straightforward, presuming there’s enough money to also pay any inheritance tax. (If not, the house might have to be sold). Is the BIL earning enough to run the house? Does it need work?

if your PIL have left their estate split between their dcs, then things could get complicated. Would a third of the value be enough to buy him a flat?

Also OP, do you think he could cope with the house alone or is he going to need someone to look after him?

I have an adult child living at home- there are complex reasons- he doesn't work and suicide is an ongoing threat.

My other adult child lives a functional life, has her own place, a job, a car, circle of friends.
I have told her on many occasions that her brother is not her responsibility if her dad and I die- social services will have to sort him out.
Caring for my DS has almost broken me and I would not wish this on anyone.

We had this in our family, male relative never left home or married, he did have minor learning difficulties undiagnosed as this was the 60s but help run the family business (similar to farming), can drive, shop and cook. As his parents got older he took over more although his mother always did the books and made the decisions (I think his father also had very little education). He had retired before his mother passed and now lives independently with some assistance from his sibling, nieces and cousins when needed. He has certainly not been abandoned and even if his sibling dies first then the next generation will take over.

Persuing a diagnosis and claiming disability benefits may be beneficial. You don't have to help them with this if you don't want to. Social services can. Being unable to get along with others due to your issues can be considered a disability, where those issues are the results of a medical condition. If the person refuses to persue a diagnosis or claim disability benefits that's their decision and they'll have to manage to live solely on their wages and any help Universal Credit gives them towards housing costs or to top up their wages.

They will be due a council tax reduction too, just for being a single adult living alone. This is claimed separately to other benefits.

And if they fall between the cracks? Too high needs to cope alone, but not high enough to access any level of social services support?

@MrsSchrute there are tenancy support services, which are paid for by the council and accessed via them, but which do not require social services involvement. You can self-refer.

We have a 25 yr old adult living with us. We had hoped to get him into supported housing but, due to a shortage, the best thing they can offer is a normal tenancy with a care package. That is not enough so he is staying with us for the time being.

@Anisty the way to supported living is to accept this offer then when it fails, social services have to organise something more suitable. It does mean the person living in distress/chaos for a time though which could cause MH issues or cause a deterioration in already present MH issues.

Most social housing landlord have systems in place to work with tenants who are struggling to maintain a tenancy and signpost to other services that can help. This small safety net to flag up problems obviously doesn't exist for those with private landlords or who are homeowners.

The tenancy and the care package are two separate things. So unless you're providing all the assistance he'd need from the care package, he should still be entitled to it. If he has a care package he's also got a social worker who he can then turn to for help and advice if circumstances change or something he can't deal with crops up. Your plan is not a bad one I just wanted to point out the alternative. You're totally right about there not being enough housing/services to go around.

if there's full capacity they should be able to sort themselves out.

Can't remember who posted this but the two don't necessarily go together. The bar for capacity is low. Plenty with capacity are totally incapable of sorting out their own lives and always will be.

I am 29 and have autism, epilepsy (small and bigger seizures which cause me to go into status epilepticus and need an ambulance) and I live with my parents who are quite well off. I don’t use their money, I’m on ADP and UC. I sometimes volunteer but don’t have a job and I left school at fifteen. I do rely on lifts a lot as with my disability I am told to avoid public transport, and we live on the outskirts of town where no buses stop nearby. I didn’t go to a special school or get any help with my autism growing up as I got diagnosed in my twenties while getting help for an opiate addiction (my doctor got me hooked on codeine which I didn’t know what addictive- quite sheltered upbringing- and now I’m on methadone daily though weaned down from 45ml to 13ml)

ive been told when they pass, me and my sister get a large inheritance each and can decide between us what to do with the house, whether I buy her out or we sell it and split the money. For now I would expect to buy her out with my inheritance and keep the house, but this may change in future if I decided to move in with my partner. I would hope by then that my epilepsy has stabilised more and I am not having seizures. My parents would likely ask her to check in on me every couple of weeks if I am not married or have a spouse living with me by then. But they would not expect her to drop her life (she’s moved out and has lived on her own a few years) to come back to mind me.

There are so many shades of grey in this.

This is one of those cases where I would consider splitting the inheritance unequally. Dependent adult may have tens or hundreds of thousands squirreled away, but if not I think giving them a bit more than their fair share to get them settled in a small flat would be ideal. Longer term less complicated and less of a burden on siblings than them either staying in a crumbling family home, or living in insecure accommodation or house shares.

If they are old enough when they lose their parents, retirement flats with a bit of support "if needed later" might even be possible.

It’s not outing. If you want advice you need to explain the situation properly.