What happens to adults who live with their parents when those parents die

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What does happen to adult children who never leave home and then the parents inevitably die. Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

We have this in our family. It wasn’t a big deal in the 20s (many others in that situation), became an issue in the 30s as relationships with siblings and parents were disrupted, more so in the 40s and now in the 50s the inevitable next step needs to be considered and fast.

I thought parents were being compassionate, but now it is clear that the adult child would have benefitted hugely from support to live independently while they had a chance to forge an independent life alongside their peers. Not saying this can’t be done at 50+, but will obviously be harder.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Sorry, English not first language. Please don’t think this is taking a grudge at people who live at home. It isn’t, and we know many situations where it worked for the benefit of all, but this situation is not so good and very difficult. It is also not so bad the sidbling would need or get official help.

Because no man is an island. Because what happens to you, affects me. Because if we continue to say 'I'm alright Jack, your problem, not mine' then we will have an increasing number of people living lives of desperation and depression, unable to cope but not able to access social care. Inevitably this leads to an increase of drug taking and unsafe behaviour, increases pressure on the NHS, social care services, the police, homelessness services etc. All because we decided to only look out for ourselves.
I could not in good conscience allow a sibling of mine to struggle when I knew I could help. My sibling is likely to need support his whole life, of course I will support him.
If someone is abusive and unsafe, then support from a distance is a better idea.

Parents can't expect siblings to take full responsibility. We have another ds, but he's not planning on making his life in the UK and is talking about going to the US or Canada to settle (he has a very good degree). I don't blame him, this country is pretty crappy and housing is too expensive, even with a good job.

Especially if there is no close relationship between the siblings. It's the parents' responsibility to sort something out.

So you have said this person has full capacity and you presume they will stay in the house.

If they are working then at that point they will have a house, and a job.

What are your specific concerns?

Are you worried that they will not be able to manage money (eg pay utility bills etc?)

Or is it that they are likely to (eg set fire to the house because they can't cook and will leave the gas on?)

They may not reach the threshold for official support but there is plenty of support out there if people (family, presumably) can pay.

It doesn't sound as though they can work. They probably aren't claiming benefits either. I know of a few parents who basically just continue supporting the adult child through to middle age.

I’m not sure what the question really is? If the person has full capacity and no care need as such they will make their own way I guess? If they have no job they will be entitled to certain benefits assuming they don’t have savings. What is it you are concerned about?

We are going to have to do this for our child. Look at the house going into trust rather than over to a person. Funds can be released through a solicitor and trusted person for the adult child to live on. There are some solicitors that do this. TikTok have people that give information about this. (I find the visual explanation easier to understand) so just search for trust wills.
I am terrified of ‘cuckooing’ where the person and house is exploited for drugs. I would much rather get them into supported housing but know that places are limited.

MrsSchrute

” 'I'm alright Jack, your problem, not mine' then we will have an increasing number of people living lives of desperation and depression, unable to cope but not able to access social …”

It was for the parents to consider. They have ignored the looming issue for 50 years and are knowingly leaving the problem to siblings to resolve and worry about. Grossly unfair. Just as people should never expect older siblings to look after younger ones when they are children - not their responsibility - they should not expect it of adult siblings when the responsibility was theirs.

Presumably, the house can be sold and sheltered accommodation found? That would be the limit of my involvement in OP’s situation, assuming sibling doesn’t have that capacity.

Ah, I see, not your brother but your brother-in-law or sister-in-law.

I do think that there is a moral responsibility to help. I understand that you find this person to be difficult but from your description they also sound vulnerable to a degree.

Fair enough. I definitely don’t agree that the responsibility for dealing with an abusive, unsafe and difficult adult should fall to their siblings. If somebody is a horrible, difficult and abusive person why should they deserve help from people whose lives are made awful because of it? The support should be available tough social care and mental health services and those who are professionally trained to support, not family members who end up crippling their own physical and mental health trying to support a difficult family member. Expecting family members to support in difficult situations is just an excuse to keep underfunding social and health care but actually most family members aren’t qualified to care for somebody who is unsafe and abusive, even at a distance; to be honest I’m not even sure what you mean by suggesting support at a distance. How are you supposed to support another adult, with no disabilities or health needs, who is difficult and causes issues and who you don’t feel is safe to be around your children etc without it negatively impacting your own physical and mental wellbeing?

Sounds like my uncle.

Who coped fine with living alone from 50-odd. He isn’t that sociable and as a result living alone suits him fine.

OP is there a particular reason you think they won’t cope?

Regarding siblings' responsibilies - speaking as a mum of disabled adult, i certainly do not wish for them to feel burdened in any way. If they wish to move overseas, we have been very clear that they are adult and go and live their lives with no obligation to their brother.

We spoke to them all about the guardianship (there are 4 sibs) as did the social worker and they were more than willing to give up their share of any inheritance and just help with the house sale. After that - social services but of course if they do stay UK, i am sure they will keep an eye from a distance and help in any crisis.

We still very much hope that our DS will leave the parental home in our lifetime. This was put in place just in case we are victims of a car accident or something.

He should be able to manage the basics but financial decisions etc he will always need help. And he is very vulnerable if the wrong people find him. If he's left in peace, he might manage. He can take a bus by himself and is in some supported employment and voluntary work. So, simple life he can be independent.

If this happens, our will can be changed again to go to our other DC.

I know of a man in his early 60s who has no diagnosis but probably high functioning autistic
He lived with his parents until they died, and they died 5 months apart.
He has never worked, never cooked, never done laundry etc. Parents did everything.
For the first 2 years he was left to fend for himself which resulted in him becoming very unwell. Social services got involved and he was moved to an apartment in an independent living complex and he has carers twice a day.
He has a sister who never visits but does an online shop each week. She never rings to ask what he wants, just sends the same order every week so he ends up with far too much of one thing and not enough of another.
He is more the capable of doing things for himself but he's never had to and gets very angry with the carers if they don't do what he wants them to do because he's been used to his parents doing everything for him.

So the parents need to seriously consider his level of care needs and get help organised for him NOW as they are getting older and won't be able to care for him. They need to make a list of everything they do for him over a week, and either he now does that himself or else care needs to arranged.

Your DH needs to make it clear, although he can be involved in looking out for his brothers best interests, he will NOT be providing care for him

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Why do you need to protect your children and from whom?

I'm confused.

Is the person living with their parents now, a sibling of yours who is in their 50s?

Why would your children suffer ?

Our family is all autistic, with some independent but one sibling not.

The sibling living with mum will get the house. We all have our own homes, that is his home. I'm fine with that.

Fair to all doesn't have to mean equal.

We have someone in the family in a similar situation. The parents are very elderly now and in a few years I'd imagine they'll inherit the house and live off benefits when the parents are no longer around to support them. No immediate family of their own, I am a more distant relative, but I imagine my role will be checking in occassionaly and helping with any big issues they can't manage. I think in their situation it's undiagnosed severe autism, never worked etc now in late 40's.

Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

The OP says that her BIL/SIL does work.

If this sibling has the ability to work and there’s an assumption they will stay in the house and have full capacity I’m not sure why anyone would need to consider their obligation to them?

Despite you saying this is not about inheritance I would push your DH to ensure his parents wishes about the house are set out clearly in their wills and are fully open about what they expect to happen, it covers everyone for the future.

What is the actual concern? This adult who works will presumably continue to live in the house, will they be able to cover bills? Maintain the house appropriately?

Lacking in social skills doesn’t mean they can’t live independently.

If this is your brother in law or sister in law, why are they are threat to your children? (you said your DCs)

Or is it your own brother or sister?

Why are they are threat to anyone?

If Will says all assets should be equally divided then problem sibling will have to move out and buy/rent their own place.

If home is left to problem sibling then that’s that.

I am not clear on what your concerns are about them? If they work then surely they can buy their own food? Make a sandwich or pop a ready meal in oven/microwave?

My dn lives with his parent and I don’t think he’ll ever get full time employment, he did try years ago tbf.
I don’t know what will happen to him eventually as there isn’t any money to support him after his parent dies. It’s quite sad really, he was bullied all through secondary and eventually expelled for snapping back after 4 years of abuse.
He’s the loveliest person when you talk to him but he rarely leaves the house.

There’s a special place in hell for his bullies.

We're in this position with the in-laws who are heading into their early 90's and live overseas. SiL is early 50's with a disability (DH isn't sure what, I think learning disability..) so lives with them, BiL moved out and then moved back in with the ILs. The flat is now in trust after we got them to do wills etc, but I have concerns / doubts etc at what happens when ILs die.

SiL could have had more independence, but MiL has kept her home with her, even when DH attempted to get her out and independent with assisted living etc. As a result I think she's incredibly vulnerable to scams etc and she's not very savvy with day to day stuff like paying bills etc. She's on disability but I don't think it will cover all bills and maintenance etc. No-one has any clue about what BiL is up to - despite having a full time job with a pretty good wage he's incapable with money so I worry about what happens next

The entire family have stuck their head in the sand about what the future holds which has pissed me off no end, MiL can be manipulative and has assumed DH will step in and sort it all out when they die. Which is basically what he'll have to do, and it'll end up being a crisis (as bloody usual)

Something similar has happened in our extended family in the last few years. Elderly parents died, and the child who remained at home (physically ok, some mental health issues) was supported whilst family home was sold.

We got him settled in a flat of his own (partly funded by siblings as an investment). He now lives a much fuller and independent life than ever before, we really enjoy his company whereas before he was a bit of an overgrown child.. so there can be a positive outcome.

I do recognise however this is definitely not the same scenario as some of the examples where there are diagnosed additional needs.

I have a SIL like this, unfortunately I don't think my inlaws have ever thought about what will happen if something happens to them.

They are both now 70's I know that's not really old as my parents are older and still in good health but still not to have made any plans at this point seems a little short sighted.

SIL could inherit the house, but she wouldn't be able to aford to run it or look after it as she's lazy (her parents still do all cooking for her) and it's a very big house. I imagine DH will end up having to help sort things out when the time comes. From a practical point of view, what we will not be able to do is give her any money as we have our own kids to support. So in some respects I do hope the house has been left to her as we don't have space finances to help her out. So I also hope the house doesn't get used up on care home fees as again she then won't have anywhere to live.

They could have sorted something out years ago but just haven't. So I'm sure we'll get left to deal with it. I'm slightly frustrated with DH that he also won't actually ask his parents as I know exactly what mine have done with their Will and power of attorney as have also been rather practical with these things.