What happens to adults who live with their parents when those parents die

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What does happen to adult children who never leave home and then the parents inevitably die. Particularly those lacking social skills and who have not lived independently, but still function with a level of independence and work.

We have this in our family. It wasn’t a big deal in the 20s (many others in that situation), became an issue in the 30s as relationships with siblings and parents were disrupted, more so in the 40s and now in the 50s the inevitable next step needs to be considered and fast.

I thought parents were being compassionate, but now it is clear that the adult child would have benefitted hugely from support to live independently while they had a chance to forge an independent life alongside their peers. Not saying this can’t be done at 50+, but will obviously be harder.

What responsibilities do siblings have and what is the right thing to do. It is complicated as we all need to protect our DC from someone who is in all honesty very difficult, can be dishonest and obsessive, and has sometimes used this to made things awful for others in the family.

Sorry, English not first language. Please don’t think this is taking a grudge at people who live at home. It isn’t, and we know many situations where it worked for the benefit of all, but this situation is not so good and very difficult. It is also not so bad the sidbling would need or get official help.

Not about inheritance. I presume they will stay in the house, but that is not my consideration as it is not my parents.

I know you have said this is not about inheritance, but a lot depends on what your PILs' wills say. Your BIL/SIL will need somewhere to live and the funds to run and maintain a home. Could s/he afford that reliably and independently on their wages? Could s/he manage that practically?

Is the house owned or rented? If it is rented, does s/he have rights to succession in the tenancy? Shelter or Citizens Advice Bureau can help answer this.

If the house is owned, what do the PILs' wills say? Have they left it to your BIL/SIL or to all the siblings, grandchildren or otherwise? It is possible that they could leave the house in trust with your BIL/SIL having a lifetime interest to stay there, with your husband and another sibling (or solicitor, but that costs) being the trustees. After which, or if your BIL/SIL moves later, then it could be sold and pass to the siblings, grandchildren or otherwise. A presumption that your BIL/SIL will stay in the house isn't enough. It has to be in the PILs' wills as, if only one sibling disagrees, then they could force a sale to achieve what they might see as their rightful inheritance. Another complication could arise if either of your PILs need care in the years ahead as part of the cost of this could be claimed back against the value of the house.

Then there is the matter of the practical and emotional support needs of your BIL/SIL. What is each individual sibling or in-law able to offer? A daily or weekly visit or meal together, a daily or weekly phone call, something else, nothing?

Your husband really needs to have an honest and open discussion with his parents. As he has capacity, they also need to have a discussion with your BIL/SIL as his opinion matters a great deal too. Everyone needs to know what is going to happen so that there are no misunderstandings or nasty surprises.

I'd say it must be difficult if they haven't had to manage the day to day finances and bills of actually running the home. If probate takes ages there could be a period of financial uncertainty, and of course it depends on how much of an estate is left to the person's child. Also if they have siblings, or a partner. Or kids.
Those all make a lot of difference. If they have disabilities whereby they can't live independently then I'd hope they would have carers in place and only move home if they want to/or it's now too impractical/expensive.
If the parent dies suddenly then I think all of this would be worse as the preparation and expectation might not have been in place.

In my family in recent years an 80-something aunt died leaving me and my cousins to deal with a 51-year-old with ASD and multiple obvious learning and physical issues, though he was still able to work a few hours a week collecting trolleys in a supermarket. He went to a SEN school in the 70s and 80s and was described as autistic, but has never had a formal diagnosis of his various conditions. It's been a very difficult few years. He had been mollycoddled all his life by his mum and was unable to live independently. His mother had actually refused to let him go into a supported living set-up when he was in his 20s because she felt he wouldn't be well-looked after. There were no siblings and his father was estranged from the family and had died previously.

When my aunt died he couldn't/wouldn't take care of his own hygiene, cooking, laundry or cleaning. He'd never had to do it before and objected to learning. He was very difficult to deal with: he lied a lot and told everyone a different story. Though he has poor eyesight, very poor speech processing and verbal skills and rampant type-2 diabetes (because he refused to take medication) he scored very low at a PIP assessment because he could walk 25m and when questioned said he could wash, dress and feed himself. This meant that none of the charities which run supported housing schemes would take him — because residents need funding in the form of high PIP or other benefits. Social Services ignored and ignored and ignored all our attempts to involve them. The council said that being male and under 55 there was very little chance of him being rehoused. There was lots of pressure on us, cousins who'd only met him half-a-dozen times in our lives, to step up and have him come to live with one us. It would have been a life sentence if we had and he is not an easy person to deal with — very opinionated and has meltdowns that can be quite scary.

He ended up living alone in a squalid caravan and falling prey to criminals who had him acting as a money mule. We tried to alert the police and social services but they didn't want to get involved. A kind police officer explained to me that he was very unlikely to be prosecuted because anyone could see that he was disabled and prosecuting him would cost a lot of money (he'd need a formal diagnosis and that alone would take a year or more and cost the public thousands). Eventually it became clear that he had come under the spell of a couple who'd moved in with him and were getting him to apply for credit cards, getting him to obtain money (which they took from him) and leaving him with bailiffs etc coming round to seize whatever he had left — which was nothing of any value. He was constantly badgering me and the other cousins to bail him out of debts that probably totalled £60k by the end of it all. Eventually one of the bailiffs went to the police and reported suspected abuse. The police and social services finally got involved, and within a couple of months he'd been found a bedsit in a facility for older people. He gets 2 hours of care each week: enough for someone to wash him, do some laundry and give the bedsit a clean. His diabetes is worse than ever and his prognosis isn't good.

My advice to siblings would be:

• Get your sibling into some sort of supported living set-up if you possibly can.
• Do not, under any circumstances, take your sibling to live with you or provide support on a temporary basis when your parents die, because while you're supporting them social services etc will refuse to help.
• Tell your parents and your sibling about this and try to get them to talk about the future with people who can help.
• If your sibling doesn't have a formal diagnosis or statement of needs now, s/he might benefit from having a formal diagnosis when your parents can no longer look after them. This can take years, so get this set up now.

Sorry to post at such length, but it's been a very stressful few years for us. Show your parents my story if you think it might help them work out what needs to be done now.

Hard to say without knowing the details, but if they have no diagnosis and aren’t a risk to themselves or others, they’d have been better off moving out years ago as staying with parents can worsen things and entrench behaviour.

I’d think the family home would be sold and this sibling given their share. If they need help in managing that money and finding accommodation, that would be something you could help with if only signposting to appropriate agencies. They might be perfectly capable but could lack confidence and experience. Both those will grow over time.

Thanks. I guess no firm question, just great to hear opinions as the family do not discuss it and if when the problems do fly up it is somehow portrayed as everyone else who has the faults. Some really unpleasant and bizarre behavior is getting treated as completely fine.

So yes they are independent in terms of work, but are also living like a child with meals cooked, laundry done, plus no activities outside the home without the parents. The future reallly is unknown. Are they lazy or is there much more going on. House is big, so would be difficult and isolated for one person to manage.

They clearly do not like being around nieces and nephews as they lose their temper (verbally) but parents do absolutely nothing even though it harms their relationship with the grandchildren. Also sometimes very much push nieces and nephews for a relationship and are critical of parenting/others in the family which is not fair or appropriate. So no massive threat but also not very healthy or pleasant to be around. If we were around this a lot it would be much more harmful, hence siblings keep distance.

It seems a grey area where the family does have their heads in the sand, so no planning or discussion. Frustrated the parents seem to have just sat with this for three decades as has become difficult for everyone involved with no clear path. Thanks again for sharing comments.

These threads are always very revealing about people's own life experiences. It's all projection.

The people who have had difficult family upbringings and don't get on with their relatives or are just deeply selfish come out with the 'siblings have no responsibility. what's a blood line to you?' stuff.

It's the same on threads about caring for elderly parents.

The people who have had stable and loving family upbringings have a completely different approach and think there is a responsiblity and have deep compassion to do the right moral thing and support another person.

What is sad is that the people in the first group (usually trying to justify their own life choices) are absolutely adamant and blinkered that their way is the only way (nothing to do with me guvnor) and can't even see that if a person loved and respects their parents and siblings that they may want to help and not just that, feel that not helping is not a choice at all.

Thanks @Velvetandgold - i just can't stand to think of it at the moment! If he moved into a flat, i know me and DH would just be running back and forth to the flat doing for him there what we do for him at home. I just don't think i could stay away knowing he hadn't eaten or some undesirables had got into his flat! He is very soft and childlike. He is on full PIP both elements and the psychiatrist has assessed him as being unable to live independently.

But that holds no sway with SS as they have people who are "more disabled" Our DS has a formal autism diagnosis and IQ 85 which is just borderline. But that combo means he can look very able in a supported setting and very disabled once the support is removed.

So i don't think SS have grasped his difficulties at all. They are only allocating supported housing to those that have night needs. And that seems to be medical night needs where staff need to go in every night to give medication. Our DS needs no help during the night - but he would if there was a night emergency - burst pipe, he had sudden onset appendicitis, folks ringing his doorbell - he would need help then. But, most uneventful nights he puts himself to bed, sleeps through and can dress himself. He can also be reliable in locking a door when going out in the morning.

During the daytime, he does need a lot of support. And he is in a happy place right now as he has that.

We will try this SS plan in a few years' time but not rn. He is not ready and burst into tears when it was suggested. I certainly don't anticipate him living with us into his 40s. We try to encourage independence wherever we can.

It took us 6 YEARS to teach him to board a bus and alight too. The funny thing was, we taught him to board eventually (and with him, where to stand, how to indicate to the driver he wanted a particular bus, how to be in the queue did not come naturally at all)

So, he got all that and was doing a regular journey for many months fine until one day, DH went to pick him up from the stop on his return. And he did not get off! DH had to drive after him in the car.

What had happened, this particular time, no one else was getting off so no one else stood up or rang the stop bell.

So - we taught him to board but had forgotten to teach him how to get off😂😂

This year, he finally learned how to change buses! He can only do one route but 2 bus there, 2 bus back. He does learn new things. But slowly!

Surely all siblings will gain equal inheritance so in this case the family home would be sold so that everyone gets their equal share .

Social services would have to support them in one way of another. Maybe they would go into supported living accommodation if no other family members stepped up.

@Trafficggehbbfnf a big question is whether or not the sibling is working or on benefits.

I assume your PIL are late 70s or 80s. As long as they have capacity I would be making sure they have POAs and Wills in place.

Pragmatically it can be difficult to predict what will happen to the parents as well as the sibling, ill health, dementia etc. One option maybe for PIL to downsize to a property for them and help sibling buy a flat at the same time. As pp say getting social housing for the sibling is another option.

It maybe helpful if their wills are explicit about what happens when the last parent dies. For example if they still own the family home that it must be sold but sibling has 1 or 2 years to find somewhere to live. They could leave them a bigger % to buy a flat outright.

My Dad had this situation. His younger brother (aged 50) still lived at home with their Mum. No capacity issues, he just never got married or bothered to move out. Anyway, my Grandma left the house to both her sons, but my Dad gifted his half to his brother, as my Dad already had his own home. That seemed fair in that situation.

My Dad is in a similar sounding situation. He's in his 70s. His half brother is still in his 40s.

His half brother lives 6hrs away from my Dad with my Dad's step mother who is in her 80s.

My Dad has tried to suggest seeking a diagnosis but has got nowhere with either of them. They just don't want to address it.

He really needs to be in some sort of assisted living.

My Dad isnt keen to move him closer because he doesn't want greater responsibility at his age nor for my Uncle to eventually become my problem in time.

We've no idea what the solution is going to be. We just know that my Dad is likely going to have to sort the mess out in the next couple of years. Its really unfair that his father and step mother have put him into this situation to begin with. Suffice to say, it will involve social services at some point.

For reference I've met my uncle all of three times. I'm not sure why I am obligated to pick up the pieces of my grandfather (who I met twice) or my step-grandmother and then my poor Dad 'because blood' because social services can't offer suitable support within the community my Uncle is established in.

Are you asking because you are concerned about the relative, the inheritance or just because? Life always has been going on, no matter what or who.

I hope your relatives and your parents are happy with what they have been doing and will do and if you don't want to get involved, then don't.

There is always something right to do in each and every situation. Try to have a proper all around think about it and then decide

you might enjoy the company of your relatives and help them flourish

Oh and my step-grandmother rents. They don't own the flat. To add another layer of complication to the mix.

LOL, my family has 5 properties abroad in which other relatives will live and I do not intend neither to visit nor ask for inheritance. It is not an area where houses sell just like that , neither people do wills. Whoever is there, they stay there. IF not, the houses stay empty forever until they crumble

I made sure everybody knows I am not going back and cannot provide anything to anyone from living in the UK where my life is very full ....may be gave you some ideas

I know of two situations like this.

The one I know best - the ‘child’ (obviously not a child any more) had diagnosed learning difficulties. One of the parents managed to hang on until he was late 50s which meant he could move into supported living for the elderly (minimum age is legally 55). He is coping fine to date. I note his parents encouraged socialising with workmates so he still had a social life when his last parent died.

The other, a very clever man with an office job whose entire social life revolved around his parents had what was described to me as a nervous breakdown (I don’t think it’s called that any more) when his parents died and as far as I know is still massively suffering from depression and hasn’t worked since.

wow....so it is not about mental capacity always but having your own little family and love.....this is revelation sis

The same thing that happens to adults who move out for the first time I'd imagine. You learn how to live by yourself. It's not difficult.

We had planned to move DHs brother in with us. There was no other option, sadly he died aged 56 and MIL has outlived him - she was relieved about this as she didn’t want him to be a burden on DH. DH never saw him as a burden and he could have lived his life being cared for here.

It is your husband's side. Leave it alone and build your own life and keep the kids away from this man

Sounds to me , you made a post just for some conversation not that really has something to do with you

I had this situation myself until I organised for DS to enter supported living, and still see it with friends whose DS remains at home with his aged and very ill parents, so naturally I agree that what might look like compassion can be anything but

To answer your question, "what happens" can very easily be a crisis where a child ill prepared to cope is forced into difficult changes at an already traumatic time, which is precisely why it's best avoided by getting arrangements in place well in advance

And siblings actually have no responsibilitty at all, though it's to be hoped they might be supportive in getting such arrangements in place

Depends how the will has been written.

No happy well adjusted adult continues to live with their parents well into adulthood. There will be something else at play even if it isnt diagnosed. If they are able to function and live independently then they will have to do that, bill payment and direct debits set up is easy enough. If they can't live independently then adult social services or supported living facilities may need to get involved

My DBro will be the same, highly likely autistic (my DD has a diagnosis), he has been left my parents home in their will, he has a low paying part time job but should cover the bills and food. I was loaned the same amount of money (out of an inheritance) to buy my own place at 0% interest, technically I'll be worse off as I'll have paid the money back but it meant that I was mortgage free at 30 with a tiny amount to repay each month for which I am thankful. My brother lives a small, closed off lifestyle I don't begrudge him what he has or will be given. My parents supported us in the best way they could with the limited finances they had, provided childcare for DD pretty much from 3year - 11 saving me money there too.

I worry about out this with my dc. They have mild learning difficulties but has a part time job and can look after themselves to a point.

They will get my house (I only have one child but they have a half sibling and step siblings) but no way would they be able to budget for the bills and the up keep of it.

I'm hoping sometime in the future I may get them into supported accommodation but worry their needs won't be severe enough to warrant a place.

It does play on my mind a lot these days.