Absolutely fekkin fuming

[almondflake]

We're Into the first day of a family holiday to Mexico with our daughter, her boyfriend and another couple .
It took us hours to get here and after a decent nights sleep , daughters boyfriend has had too much to drink and kicked off big time , storming round the hotel then kicking the hotel room door in . Luckily the hotel have not called the police , we've paid for the door , my husband has taken the boyfriend away to sober up , I'm sat in my hotel room with a distraught daughter .we're hoping to get him on a flight home tomorrow as he can't stay here , I'm absolutely furious with him, he's 24 and he's blaming it all on our daughter .
I'm not looking for solutions just venting really .

*harmed her

He's right? Whatever he's complaining about does not give him the right to kick in a door. Add to the that the fact that he appears to be a leech.

I know that 3 yrs isn't a huge age difference, but when you've just turned 21 and you're a bit insecure, that age gap is much more significant.

I agree that the OP can't push her daughter to kick out the useless piece of skin, but - in her place - I certainly wouldn't encourage the daughter to stay with him.

Are you serious? He throws a drunken rage, breaking doors and it's ger fault because they spoilt her? And to point out, he's already emotionally harmed her by his actions. Do you always go around victim blaming?

If the relationship has started off like this it's going to go nowhere she is as well call it a day and find somebody decent because he won't change despite all the promises he makes

Don't enable him let them call the police I wouldn't have paid for the door. I'd have made him and asked police to remove him. This should open your daughter's eyes of he can kick off like this how far can he go.

almondflake Do they have a tenancy agreement?
The law is changing, and if he is on the tenancy, you need to get him out asap

He's a dickhead sorry but he is, this is a classic case of a little boy inside a big boys body and can't handle his drink.

Either he matures rapidly to his years or he needs to be shown the door

from Man aged 35

Be really careful, especially your daughter after he leaves. I live in a US state bordering Mexico, and we have all heard way too many stories of people we know (not just internet tales) of crimes against tourists in Mexico, including police and cartel shakedowns and date rape/robbery/set ups, and drugging tourists in very respectable hotels. So don't let your daughter go out to the hotel bar on her own when he has gone home to party and forget her problems. It's Mexico, not the UK or America. You don't want to get mixed up in anything.

Not being dramatic but I’d show her the stats on how many women are killed by a partner or ex-partner. Also some of the recent stories such as the man who killed his ex, her mum and sister with a crossbow, the Olympic athlete who was killed by her ex recently, it’s too many to count really. She needs to get support and run as far as she can from this walking red flag. Hope she sees sense 🙏

I know you’ve said he’s a dickhead but what about these parts of the story?

“kicking the hotel room door in” / “blaming it all on our daughter”

It’s not simply that “he can’t handle his drink” - getting too drunk is one thing but are these points not massively concerning? I used to get really drunk at that age as I didn’t know when to stop. But I never blamed anyone else or kicked a door in, terrifying my partner….

@almondflake

I feel for you because I know exactly what it's like to see an adult child in a bad relationship.

You can't fix it for her, but you can remind her that it's not all the good things about him that count for the most, it's the bad things. Can she live with those?
In any decent relationship our personal failings are fairly small and the good outweighs them by miles. Extreme violence, even against inanimate objects is not and in this case, when his holiday was someone else's treat and he's in company, you'd be within rights to think he'd be on 'best behaviour' or at the very least aiming not to make a negative impression.

Checks and balances. Remind her.

thats my point kicking in the hotel room door & blaming it on the daughter whilst not acceptable I agree and serious enough yes I still feel its because he can't handle drink thats why this side of him has been seen. There has been no further back ground around this behaviour so couldn't possibly make an educated conclusion other than in ability to handle drink. I would though be asking the daughter once everyone sobers up what he's like behaviour wise at home in the UK. - and I like you at the same age used to drink a lot but never went and smashed the joint up blaming it on others.

there's a lot more questions that need answers than is on the surface of this one

For what it’s worth, you sound very sensible and highly supportive parents who have done all the right things here. You can’t make her decisions for her, but you can support and softly guide her and that is what you are doing. Well done.

Yes, providing a house for a young, clearly very immature daughter to move into with a violent waster is the height of sensible and supportive.

You’re jealous.

She's been covering him for a year.

What makes you think she's telling the truth.

This relationship is not a healthy one.

FFS, what is it with MN and "jealous"? It's absolutely pathetic and smacks of ignorance, if not illiteracy.

Do you even know the meaning of the word?

Why on earth would I, as a 50+ yo married woman, be "jealous" 🙄?

I doubt this is the first time he has “kicked off”. Talk to your daughter about domestic violence and the cycle of violence.

Getting back to ‘sending’ him home. From what has been posted by OP I don’t think this will be achieved. This is an adult man who has no boundaries.
He is not going to get on that plane. He is not a child and already has a return booking. He will watch DH paying for the air flight and then walk out of the airport with glee at the waste of money, then return to the hotel.
It may be useful to contact the uk embassy and put the facts to them. They may or may not lend some help in getting him on the plane.
TBH I think you’ll be stuck with him but say to the hotel that he is not with your party and not responsible for any damage he may cause.
Any offer of another room
will be refused by him so you as mum will be in same room as DD and DH with him.
Just hope DH is physically and mentally strong enough to cope.

Thing is, there’s always a first time, so it’s entirely possible that the Dd is telling the truth.it achieves nothing to imply that the dd isn’t telling the truth. What’s important is the future, if there is anything before that it will emerge in time.

@Ellejay57 that's a brilliant response thank you , it's our fault and our daughters fault that he's acted like a toddler , had a tantrum and kicked a hotel door in , nothing to do with him acting like a total jerk ?
Good job he didn't hit her cos that would have been her fault too ?
It has everything to do with us , shes our daughter . how many 21 year olds would be confident enough in a foreign country to tell their parents to back off and keep their noses out when there's 4 security guards and hotel managers speaking in Spanish to her , she's was hysterical and they wanted to call the police .
Who wouldn't want their parents to step in and help ?

@WearyAuldWumman thank you .

@Gcsunnyside23 thank you .

Thank you to all the helpful comments .
We are going to carry on with the holiday , he's been made to sign a contract by the hotel to behave basically or they will call the police and there will be nothing we can do to stop them .
As a lot of you have said there isn't actually a lot we can do because of their ages as they are both adults but we can be there for her whatever she decides to do , she knows he's not her forever partner but after talking to her she's not just ready to let go for whatever reason .
Again had this happened at home the outcome would halve been a lot different as I wouldn't want to share my holiday with him , it's just that we're so far away from home with a completely different police force that we're taking it a lot less reactive than a few of you think we should and I'd rather have DD here than her trying to get home with him .

Above all, your daughter needs to know you are there for her. You're doing what you can.