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Original poster

Absolutely fekkin fuming

394 replies

almondflake · 14/09/2024 01:47

We're Into the first day of a family holiday to Mexico with our daughter, her boyfriend and another couple .
It took us hours to get here and after a decent nights sleep , daughters boyfriend has had too much to drink and kicked off big time , storming round the hotel then kicking the hotel room door in . Luckily the hotel have not called the police , we've paid for the door , my husband has taken the boyfriend away to sober up , I'm sat in my hotel room with a distraught daughter .we're hoping to get him on a flight home tomorrow as he can't stay here , I'm absolutely furious with him, he's 24 and he's blaming it all on our daughter .
I'm not looking for solutions just venting really .

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 14/09/2024 17:38

I agree with one of the posters above. Don't minimise or brush under the carpet this behaviour. He is a violent man, and he might only be mortified because you've seen him for what he is. And regardless, however sorry he is it doesn't mean he will not do it again. Violent men kill women, they do it all the time.

Here is a link to download a pdf of the Lundy Bankroft book:
freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

WhyDoesItAlways · 14/09/2024 17:49

When back in the UK your daughter needs to put in a Clare's law application if she has ideas about continuing the relationship.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 14/09/2024 17:49

My daughter is totally shocked by his behaviour and swears to both of us that it's totally out of character
But it isnt because you all saw him do it. This is his character.

1983Louise · 14/09/2024 17:54

Why on earth didn't you let the hotel call the police and get him arrested. I'm sure a night sobering up in a Mexican police cell would help him reflect on his behaviour...........

sugarrosepetal · 14/09/2024 17:59

almondflake · 14/09/2024 17:04

I can assure all of you that this is not being minimised but we are a long way from home which is a huge disadvantage .
He is a piece of shit and this will be sorted as soon as we get home .
My daughter is totally shocked by his behaviour and swears to both of us that it's totally out of character .
I will recommend she reads the book mentioned .
I know exactly what i would do in this situation but I'm a lot older and have more experience and that would not be giving him chance to do this again .

OP your daughter may not recognise this as an abusive relationship until she has been hit, which by then could be too late. Please get her to read up on "the power and control wheel" and then get her to read "the equality wheel". I was in an abusive relationship throughout my teens and twenties, and didn't realise I was because it was mostly control and coercion until it escalated to a lot more.

kkloo · 14/09/2024 18:15

Changingplace · 14/09/2024 09:22

I’d not give him a choice, order him a taxi to the airport and send him on his way.

Show quote history

He would still have a choice, you couldn't force him into a taxi.

fluffiphlox · 14/09/2024 18:23

Are they still sharing a room?

SpanielPaws · 14/09/2024 18:31

The drinking is one of those things but the fact he was blaming his behaviour on your DD is very concerning and I would hate to imagine how he behaves behind closed doors. You can't control who she is in a relationship with OP but there's no way on earth he'd be living in any house I owned after that behaviour, let alone be living off my daughter to boot. I hope you all manage to get a decent holiday.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2024 18:39

I understand why you have taken this approach for now. But please don’t allow this to be quietly dropped when you get back to the UK.

This man is at best a selfish man child and at worst an abusive, alcoholic thug. Your update about your daughter not being able to bear him not being around is very worrying.

When you get home I would evict him from your home and call the police if he refuses to leave.

Retape · 14/09/2024 18:40

It's one of those situations, easy to give advice when it's not your problem.

Keep everything as calm as possible OP, that's what I'd do. Once you're back home...all bets are off. Good luck.

Original poster
almondflake · 14/09/2024 18:48

Thank you for all the info on literature for her to read , I'll make sure she looks at it .
As you all say this is abusive behaviour but at her age i don't think she can see it, she's young and wants to see the best in him .
We have said when we get home he's going back to his parents to give them a break and see what she wants for the future .

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 14/09/2024 18:57

Fingers crossed you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.

CagneyAndLazy · 14/09/2024 19:13

almondflake · 14/09/2024 18:48

Thank you for all the info on literature for her to read , I'll make sure she looks at it .
As you all say this is abusive behaviour but at her age i don't think she can see it, she's young and wants to see the best in him .
We have said when we get home he's going back to his parents to give them a break and see what she wants for the future .

"We have said..."?

Is your daughter a child?

If she is you're not advocating well for her. If she's not, it sounds like she's too immature to be in a serious relationship as she's clearly not capable of ending the relationship with this violent abusive man.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2024 19:18

My daughter is totally shocked by his behaviour and swears to both of us that it's totally out of character

I am absolutely not saying your daughter is a liar, but I would bet my house this is not the first time your daughter has been a victim to this kind of behaviour. The odds that he's a lovely bloke and he's never acted so violently before are realistically zero. Your poor daughter is probably absolutely horrified that you and your husband have seen what he's capable of, and admitting she knows what he's like is too much for her to handle. The terrible secret she's been hiding, and probably denying, is out. Her boyfriend is an abuser, and given what he's done in your presence, I worry deeply for her safety. He is a very dangerous man. Please don't sweep this under the carpet with your daughter. You have to do everything possible to get her to see reality and you just can't enable this relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2024 19:20

fluffiphlox · 14/09/2024 18:23

Are they still sharing a room?

What a terrifying thought.

pinkyredrose · 14/09/2024 19:28

Op are you going to ask him to leave the house?

Emptyheadlock · 14/09/2024 19:32

Oh god, he's an utter loser.

You're in Mexico, just get him shot or something.

Original poster
almondflake · 14/09/2024 19:42

@CagneyAndLazy yes , she's my child who really isn't strong enough to deal with this at the moment . If we can help her then so be it . We can't make her do anything against her will but we can suggest and help .

OP posts:
Original poster
almondflake · 14/09/2024 19:43

@Emptyheadlock don't think I've not thought about it lol 😂

OP posts:
DeccaM · 14/09/2024 19:51

How old is your daughter? Presumably about the same age as her boyfriend, 24 or so?

Original poster
almondflake · 14/09/2024 19:59

@DeccaM she's just turned 21 .

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 14/09/2024 20:07

almondflake · 14/09/2024 19:42

@CagneyAndLazy yes , she's my child who really isn't strong enough to deal with this at the moment . If we can help her then so be it . We can't make her do anything against her will but we can suggest and help .

Gaslighting, controlling and coercive behaviour mean you are effectively brainwashed, your self esteem is shot, and you are sapped and confused most of the time. It's part of the abuse. Her self esteem will be further undermined by this relationship.

It often takes many efforts to leave an abusive relationship.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/is-your-loved-one-in-an-abusive-relationship/

DreamTheMoors · 14/09/2024 20:15

Tuddlepops · 14/09/2024 10:40

@DreamTheMoors omg that's horrendous. You must have thought you were going to die.

I was too scared to think about anything. I think it was the adrenaline.
Thank you.

DreamTheMoors · 14/09/2024 20:27

TemuSpecialBuy · 14/09/2024 11:11

Agree with others…
whatever happens be clear continuing the holiday with you is not an option.

the only option you or your Dd will fund is a flight home of your choosing.

if he wants he can arrange & pay for:

  • a flight home of his choosing
  • another hotel for himself
  • another room in this hotel (I wouldn’t even suggest this)
Edited

—OR—
Mr. Tough Guy can stay in Mexico.
If I were him I’d choose this.
Yeah. With the gangs and the cartels and those upright and decent police — sure.
Stay in Mexico.
Let’s have a lottery. We can choose a date and pay a pound and the winner gets the money next Tuesday when Mr. Tough Guy calls home in tears.

Floppyelf · 14/09/2024 20:35

almondflake · 14/09/2024 17:04

I can assure all of you that this is not being minimised but we are a long way from home which is a huge disadvantage .
He is a piece of shit and this will be sorted as soon as we get home .
My daughter is totally shocked by his behaviour and swears to both of us that it's totally out of character .
I will recommend she reads the book mentioned .
I know exactly what i would do in this situation but I'm a lot older and have more experience and that would not be giving him chance to do this again .

You’re a great mum💐. Good luck.