I was 19 when I hooked up with a wrong ‘un and I was 25 when I finally realised what a dreadful person he was and kicked him out for the very last time (5th? 6th?).
I was quite a willful teen and for years, unbeknown to me, my mum and sister were talking about this awful relationship behind my back, and never once said “Kiev, he is very bad for you, he is not going to change.” Most of the time he was absolutely charming and he was very fun for my family to be around, but they could all see it was a toxic relationship.
Some years later, when my sister revealed to me that mum knew all along that he was an alcoholic (“you wouldn’t have believed me even if I had told you Kiev, and even if you did, you still wouldn’t have left him”), and that they had been talking about how wrong it all was, she said she asked my mum (who also unfortunately married an alcoholic, for I guess five years), “why doesn’t she leave him?” my mum said “because she hasn’t had enough yet. When she has had enough she will leave him.”
I kinda resented learning that they hadn’t warned me for quite a few years, but some 24 years down the line I see the wisdom of their inactions.
Because what happened was: something happened and it was THEN enough. Something snapped in my brain and he was suddenly repulsive. I couldn’t imagine what I was doing with him in the first place. I absolutely couldn’t visualise a future with him. I couldn’t even imagine living in the same flat when we got home. He was dead to me. I lost all feelings for him and concern in the space of about half a day.
Like your daughter, I was on holiday. A holiday I had worked my arse off to pay for, working for an evil, demanding woman, sometimes from 9am til midnight, whilst he sat on his arse for six months and claimed not to be getting calls back about jobs. He wrecked our week long holiday 2 days into it, and some of his actions on that holiday was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
For context, we had split up several times before. And as twisted as it sounds, I married him, and in hindsight I think I needed to marry him to get the stinker out of my system. The marriage lasted 1.5 years. And yes I did try to help him with his alcoholism.
Turns out he had a secret coke habit too! That penny only dropped with me about six months ago.
But, and this is a very big but - WHEN I had enough, it truly was enough - but this time forever, until the end of time. No regrets. No missing him. Nothing but wanting to keep him as far away from me as possible. Not even a tiny flicker of “what if” has infected my mind in the 24 years since.
So, sometimes teens and young adults really do have to learn from their own mistakes. And you certainly don’t want to - as a parent - be the one to talk her out of her relationship that she may feel in future years was her only love, her soulmate, the one that was meant to be.
That is a decision she must make on her own, with no influence.
So, OP, she hasn’t yet had enough. Let’s hope that time isn’t too far away.
(I found out he died of an “accidental drug overdose” six years ago. My reaction was “surprised he lived that long, it was always going to end along similar lines” - my only sadness was mental health care in its current form didn’t exist 30 years ago when he could have really done with it, with his upbringing and family he never really stood a chance)
Edit: I forgot to post the silver lining. Throughout the rest of my life I could spot a wrong ‘un within a few months and have never, ever had a serious and dysfunctional relationship since. The minute I sniff a bit of bad behavior they are out the door. Hence my partner, who I have been with for 6.5 years really is my lifelong partner, because I spent a lot of time not making the same mistake again! You pick up a sixth sense for it. Your self worth blossoms. And my mum got to see him and see how he adored me and how he would do anything for me and that “I don’t need to worry about you any more” (bc single ppl are tragic? lol!) before she died :)