Tight friend is very sneaky!

[toomuch37]

I have a friend who’s very tight. It’s all the classics; disappears for her round, “forgets” her wallet and never pays you back, never chips in for group things but happily participates, etc. etc. She has no problem spending money on herself, so it’s not a money problem or a lifestyle, she’s only mean with others.

Having thought about it a lot, I want to continue the friendship - we have great conversations and lots in common, she’s very empathetic and supportive, and I like having her around. I’ve accepted the tightness. However, I obviously don’t want things to continue like this.

The problem is that she’s a seasoned pro at not paying her part. First, she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line.

Second, in our friend group we always take turns or do rounds - it’s a really nice dynamic and it always evens out with the others. However, it also means this friend can get in a lot more freebies. No one’s going to say “this is my round, except you Lucy, you have to get your own.” I don’t really want to change the wider group dynamic because of one person, though.

Finally, she’s very sneaky. If we’re at a pub, she’ll volunteer to grab a table while we get drinks. If there’s a card machine going round after dinner, she grabs it first (and there is inevitably a balance left by the time it gets to the last person). If she knows she owes me a drink, she’ll run to the bar and get one for herself before I can say “hey, I think I got these last time, do you mind getting this round?” Obviously doesn’t work every time, but more than you’d think.

So, how do I get ahead of the sneakiness? I’m not a pushover and there have been occasions where I’ve straight up said, “actually, I think Lucy owes xxx” - but she seems expert at avoiding these situations in the first place…

I personally wouldn’t put up with this at all. Next time you are out, say it’s her round! Or start a kitty for nights out. It’s crappy behaviour and you shouldn’t put up with it unless you accept it and don’t complain

These things outweigh a friendship for me

I had a friend she did the miss a round thing. We'd go to a pub and she'd sit and wait. We he asked what she wanted she'd look surprised we were going to have a drink 🤣. Anyway this happened for some time and in the end I just said "Nic, it's your round". She couldn't avoid.

I don't see her anymore but funnily enough she still owes me money.

This. I would insist on a kitty.

It was so much easier to deal with this when we all carried cash. Just had a whip round at the start so everyone paid in the same amount and go from there.

@Changedfournow I try to do this when I can, but she’s so slippery! It’s truly a skill!

Sorry to hear that your friend still owes you 😂

Bollocks to that, no matter how much I enjoyed a persons conversation or friendship there's no way I would allow someone to consistently take the piss like she is.

She’s banking on you being too nice to make a scene @toomuch37 , and being a shitty friend at the same time. Why is your money more disposable than hers??

You're painting yourself into a corner by not wanting to point it out or drop the friendship. I would just stop paying for her. I would tell my friends I was no longer joining in rounds and would vocally tot up the bill and make sure everyone pays the same. Don't lend her money.

I've known people like this. When the card machine comes round after a meal they insist on paying first but it's so they just pay for what they had and don't chip in for the service charge. Or they leave slightly earlier than everyone else for the same reason.

@BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop thats the thing - I’ve actually been very close to making a scene once or twice when the bill was too large at the end of dinner or she didn’t get a round, but someone always goes “oh don’t worry, I’ll cover it” to avoid an awkward situation! It’s always the people who don’t know her very well or don’t see her outside group settings, so they haven’t caught on yet...

She is not a friend!

Talk to your other friends. Decide on a strategy, whether that is sitting her down and talking to her, not having rounds for a bit, splitting the bill equally and telling the waiter to charge £25.02 to each of us. Or speak to her and say, we can see you struggle with the cost of big rounds, so you buy your own drinks so that you don't feel obliged to buy for anyone and you can budget properly.

She has no shame, so the only way to deal with her is to act like you don’t either. Pull her up on it every time and don’t offer to pay etc to do anything to avoid awkwardness - you just have to let it be awkward.

I don’t think I could be friends with someone like this, but if you really want to pursue the friendship I would agree with the others that she isn’t included in rounds or that you each pay for your own.

She will take and take and take as long as you let her!

@cupcaske123 I’ve thought about pointing it out and just having a conversation, since it’s so hard to pin her down in the heat of the moment. But she’s quite insecure and is always second guessing and doubting herself... She’s had some relationship trouble lately and it’s really impacted her self esteem - I guess I didn’t want to give her another thing to feel shitty about!?

@hopefulnothelpful yes, I think the problem is that I let her do this at the start of our friendship (before I realised what was going on) and now she thinks that’s the standard! I think you’re right about just letting it be awkward.

@eish i like that idea. I haven’t spoken to other friends about it openly because it’s a really lovely, healthy group with no gossip behind each other’s backs and I didn’t want to ruin this. But judging by some of their comments and facial expressions, I think I’m not alone in feeling this way.

Beginning of a group meal - or when the bill
arrives - make a big deal of getting the bill to work out the share of the tip that needs adding ‘because we’ve had a few times lately where the tip wasn’t getting added on.’

Rounds, say ‘X, it’s your round’ and don’t move. Or if she ‘gets the table’ then say, ‘Actually X, why don’t you do the first round and I’ll get the table’. Force her to say no, basically.

Just stop being shy about saying something.

You don't have to make it personal or be rude. Just be matter of fact. "Jane you owe £30 towards the bill." "Jane it's your round." "Jane you owe me £10 from the other day, I'll take a money transfer."

Also, is it a mixed group or mostly women? Men tend to be much more direct about this stuff.

What you have to remember about cheeky sods is that they’ve got the front to try this stuff, so you don’t need to feel bad about having the front to call them out on it. They changed the social rules first, by not following the etiquette. So you don’t need to be so polite back to them!

@toomuch37 You can do it in a kind way. You can say 'we love having you come out with us but have noticed that you are struggling to contribute to the big rounds and with the break up I know things might be hard. No one will mind if you just duck out of the round orders so that you can budget properly for a night out. you never know, someone might buy you the odd drink'. And leave it at that.

You sound very kind and forgiving but you really don’t need to feel bad about asking someone to pay their share. She isn’t thinking of you or anyone else when she is purposely and repeatedly dodging the bill!

As an example I have recently found myself a bit short, I just said to my friends, please don't buy me any drinks then I can budget properly. They were happy with that. It is also the same when I don't drink alcohol (which is quite frequently!) and they have a large booze bill, I don't contribute towards that. This is what she should be doing but maybe doesn't have the social confidence to navigate these conversations.

Also ‘forgets her wallet’ then say ‘X, don’t you have ApplePay/GooglePay etc on your phone yet? You should set it up because then you wouldn’t need to worry about your wallet. Anyway, you can PayPal me a tenner today if you like? I’m a bit too skint to just get it for us both today.’

Then rinse and repeat every time.

I’m always amazed at how tight people aren’t embarrassed by behaving like this. They never are. She would not be a friend of mine - it actually makes me feel physically sick that people take advantage of others like that to save themselves a few shekels. Selfish and self serving. Ugh.

She doesn't sound kind at all, she's happy to sit there and watch her friend scam other (unsuspecting) people and says nothing!