Tight friend is very sneaky!

[toomuch37]

I have a friend who’s very tight. It’s all the classics; disappears for her round, “forgets” her wallet and never pays you back, never chips in for group things but happily participates, etc. etc. She has no problem spending money on herself, so it’s not a money problem or a lifestyle, she’s only mean with others.

Having thought about it a lot, I want to continue the friendship - we have great conversations and lots in common, she’s very empathetic and supportive, and I like having her around. I’ve accepted the tightness. However, I obviously don’t want things to continue like this.

The problem is that she’s a seasoned pro at not paying her part. First, she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line.

Second, in our friend group we always take turns or do rounds - it’s a really nice dynamic and it always evens out with the others. However, it also means this friend can get in a lot more freebies. No one’s going to say “this is my round, except you Lucy, you have to get your own.” I don’t really want to change the wider group dynamic because of one person, though.

Finally, she’s very sneaky. If we’re at a pub, she’ll volunteer to grab a table while we get drinks. If there’s a card machine going round after dinner, she grabs it first (and there is inevitably a balance left by the time it gets to the last person). If she knows she owes me a drink, she’ll run to the bar and get one for herself before I can say “hey, I think I got these last time, do you mind getting this round?” Obviously doesn’t work every time, but more than you’d think.

So, how do I get ahead of the sneakiness? I’m not a pushover and there have been occasions where I’ve straight up said, “actually, I think Lucy owes xxx” - but she seems expert at avoiding these situations in the first place…

Download an App like Splitwise so you can keep track of the odd £5s and it's there in black and white how much she owes others in the group.

When she says she'll get a table just say "no, I'll go, it's your round as you didn't get chance to get one last time". Or when the card machine goes round, grab it first and say "Are we splitting? How much each?".

Just be sneakier than her. Play her at her own game. She'll give up eventually if she's not allowed to get away with it.

Don’t do rounds - someone always has the cheaper/ more expensive drink. It’s the easiest way for people not to scrimp out of drinks

@NoSquirrels thank you. I think what’s so confusing about this is that I am really not shy by nature (or with this friend) and generally pretty good at sticking up for myself. If anything, she’s the more shy/awkward one! So it feels strange that she’s managing to walk all over me with the money thing.

And you’re right, she doesn’t feel bad so neither do I!

Thanks for the other helpful comments!

Agree - it has some parallels (some) with being in a shit relationship but staying as there are some good times.

I was going to suggest Splitwise too : it's much easier to write down smaller amounts which then add up without you constantly writing them off.

I've got a friend who is like this but a bit less of a friend so I've dialled things down. When you're out, can't you try asking at the outset : are we doing rounds tonight or getting our own?

Is she really shy and unsure of herself?
Because she seems perfectly comfortable taking the piss out of you all which doesn't ads up tbh.

I'd take her aside and let her know she can opt out of rounds and just buy her own drinks if she doesn't want to or can't contribute fairly.

It's one thing if she did this originally ( opt out of rounds ) but she's not and it isn't equal or fair.

Omg I hate people like this! In the past I told them straight up “you owe me …. from last time” as otherwise the message wouldn’t get through haha. OR you could firmly say everyone buys their own? Nowhere for CF to hide then

Such CF behaviour I can’t STAND it!!

Splitwise is awesome. My sister (who isn’t remotely trying to rip me off) always ends up owing me small amounts of money. It seems petty to keep track, except that it always tots up to about a hundred over the curse of a few months and then I ask her to clear it or pay for something big.

Pint glass in the middle of the table, all put the same money in it and the drinks get taken from there. Or if anyone has a bank account that lets you do bill splitting all send them the money and when it's gone it's gone.

@TomatoSandwiches this is the weird thing - you’re right, it absolutely doesn’t add up! I don’t get it. DP knows her reasonably well and agrees that the money thing is oddly brazen for someone who is otherwise quite shy and insecure.

Thank you to those who suggested Splitwise - we actually used this when we went on a trip together and it worked really well, I’ll suggest going back to it for our usual meet-ups.

To the person asking if it’s men/women: we have a core group of girlfriends, but often spend time with a wider group which includes men. But she’s better friends with those guys than I am, so approaching them wouldn’t feel right

Tell her she's getting the first round in and all sit there until she does. If she doesn't then either all leave or get a round in missing her out.

I have a close relative like this, we grew up like sisters and it was my birthday the other week so we went out for lunch ( I drove 🙄) and at the end of the meal just as the bill was handed to us she said “I’ll wait outside” and legged it.

I have tried to bring it up several times but she changes the subject completely, I’ve also bought it up with my mum and other family members and they say just leave it don’t worry about it, she always gets out of paying for drinks, lunch, dinner , light bites. snacks, and small things you forget about but my meal birthday meal this year finally made me not want to socialise with her anymore, something snapped inside me this year but she’s been a CF for over 25 years, I now see her and her kids at her house only and make a point of getting her to make me a brew or giving me a glass of wine.

Some people are CFs and as you say it’s a skill, my relative in total must owe me hundreds if not thousands of pounds in stuff I’ve paid for over the years not forgetting petrol costs (i always drive she said she’s not as confident as me 🤬 )

I’ve always brushed under the rug for family harmony and not to rock the boat but not anymore

She sounds like the 'vulnerable' type of narcissist. They come across shy and insecure (needing a lot of validation) but deep down there's a sense of entitlement. She won't react well to being shamed about this behaviour but it's the only way she'll change it. I agree with previous advice about calling it out each time, but not making a big deal of it either so she can save face

You could have a kitty at the start of the night and if she doesn’t join in she gets her own drinks. Not sure people have cash these days for a kitty though?!

I tend to get my own drinks as most people I know share a bottle of wine and I don’t drink wine so it’s easier. I just say upfront, I’ll get my own tonight thanks. Can you do that yourself - just sort yourself out and she can do her own thing and let her get on with it.

Sorry to say but she doesn't sound like much of a friend and in your words she is sneaky!
What do the others think to this behaviour?
She might emphasize and listen to you, but is that to try and make up for being such a tight ass..
You really need to let her her know this is not acceptable behaviour

Bravo

just stop enabling her. Make her pay or embarrass/shame into paying. She is laughing at you. Might as well have MUG tattooed on you

@Ineedwinenow wow, sorry to hear about your relative - it must be hard to deal with that and also keep the harmony in your family! I’m glad you’ve found a way around it. They do sound quite similar.

@Newnamesameoldlurker interesting…while I’m not ready to diagnose her with anything, it’s useful to know that these traits/behaviours can coexist.

If you're going to accept it then just suck it up and keep paying
If not then stop seeing the freeloader

You can have a word, say to her that it’s be noticed within the group, or that you heard someone say “X always seems to leave before it’s her round” and that you might be not equally sharing cost on nights out. Say u have no idea if it’s true but Suggest that she make sure she always gets first round, pays equal share at machine and doesn’t leave early.
You mustn’t tell names, say it’s not a big deal but she should defo get first rounds.

Honestly OP, I just can't get my head around the idea that you want to compartmentalise this and not let it affect your friendship.

There are all kinds of quirks I'd overlook in a good friend (and god knows I have plenty of my own) but this woman is basically telling you that she doesn't respect you. It's would be a deal breaker for me. And I think her other behaviours that you are interpreting as low self esteem are a red herring. I agree with the PP who said that underneath that there is a deeply held sense of entitlement.

You have this problem because you're doing rounds and taking turns. Unless you're all always having the same thing as all the others, there are always going to be people unjustifiably paying too much or too little. Even if sometimes your real share is smaller and sometimes it's bigger, it's vanishingly unlikely to ever be actually at zero on the balance. Just have everyone pay for themselves and then you will never ever have CF sponging off you or resentment.

Another vote for a Splitwise type app - it makes things much easier and nobody is ever left out of pocket!

Try using an app like splitwise for your nights out? so you all add in what you spend and everyone sees what and who they owe at the end. We screenshot it our group whatsapp, theres no hiding (not that anyone takes the mick).

This wont stop her I dont think. Long term i would rethink the friendship because its just massively self centred and disrespectful and no amount of great conversation would make up for that.