Tight friend is very sneaky!

[toomuch37]

I have a friend who’s very tight. It’s all the classics; disappears for her round, “forgets” her wallet and never pays you back, never chips in for group things but happily participates, etc. etc. She has no problem spending money on herself, so it’s not a money problem or a lifestyle, she’s only mean with others.

Having thought about it a lot, I want to continue the friendship - we have great conversations and lots in common, she’s very empathetic and supportive, and I like having her around. I’ve accepted the tightness. However, I obviously don’t want things to continue like this.

The problem is that she’s a seasoned pro at not paying her part. First, she keeps the amounts small enough (£5-10) that I feel silly asking for it back when we meet up again a few weeks down the line.

Second, in our friend group we always take turns or do rounds - it’s a really nice dynamic and it always evens out with the others. However, it also means this friend can get in a lot more freebies. No one’s going to say “this is my round, except you Lucy, you have to get your own.” I don’t really want to change the wider group dynamic because of one person, though.

Finally, she’s very sneaky. If we’re at a pub, she’ll volunteer to grab a table while we get drinks. If there’s a card machine going round after dinner, she grabs it first (and there is inevitably a balance left by the time it gets to the last person). If she knows she owes me a drink, she’ll run to the bar and get one for herself before I can say “hey, I think I got these last time, do you mind getting this round?” Obviously doesn’t work every time, but more than you’d think.

So, how do I get ahead of the sneakiness? I’m not a pushover and there have been occasions where I’ve straight up said, “actually, I think Lucy owes xxx” - but she seems expert at avoiding these situations in the first place…

May already have been suggested, but you need the Splitwise app…..

Cancel the cheque!

Me too

All those 5 and 10 add up very quickly. You must speak to her and stop this.

I would not put up with this for the best friend in Christendom.

I do think you're wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Something has to change. There's no magic wand to make her not be tight.

What does everyone else in the group think? Best thing for the group dynamics is if she isn't in it, really. Perhaps you're all secretly resenting her but nobody is saying anything for fear of looking petty? Unless they genuinely don't care.

If you don't think anyone else cares about it and you want to stay part of the group yourself, but at the same time stop paying for her, I'd plead money worries myself. Say you're not able to do rounds any more so will be buying your own drinks. It's not CF, it's totally reasonable and plausible in this day and age, so nobody should question it. If anyone does bring it up in future, you can say that having tried it for a while you've found it so much easier to budget so will be sticking with it.

It's also a lot easier then to not get into a situation where she owes you.

Next time she goes to grab a table, if it's just you two, get your own drink then go wait at the table while she goes to get hers. It's easy enough in a restaurant to go to the loo or the bar then pay your share of the bill at the till, then when the bill and machine comes round you tell everyone you've already paid. Next time she says "oh I forgot my wallet" in a group, say outright that you can't lend her this time (every time). She'll have to ask someone else then (and it'll be them not getting paid back) and perhaps it'll come to the attention of the wider group just how tight she is.

My mother is an expert at doing this. She’ll “just find a table” or “you buy it online, it’ll be easier”. When I picked her up on it, I was told that it’s my ‘privilege’ to buy things for her. She’s never paid me back & plays the victim when I refuse or question her. She has since been diagnosed as a narcissist.

For ur friend, I know someone suggested an app but could u just do a kitty.

Plan what you are going to eat and drink and take just that money in cash. You will be surprised at how your friend reacts when you can't sub her.

Time to point out and change the dynamics. I've got the table, first round on you, wait til she gets back from the toilet with empty glases and remind it's her turn etc. She knows it and you all know it, take a spin around it. X

Or the old kitty? Everyone has to put in. X

This is not a friend - this is a sponger.

I don't have the money to get a round in and I don't drink alcohol.

As a result I always say I'll buy my own. If someone offers to buy me a drink, I'll accept and try to reciprocate. My friends often don't mind buying me a soft drink without me buying them one. I have good friends.

Your friend is not like this. You need to say that she either needs to pay just for herself or buy a few rounds! It could be that's she socially awkward (I never know when to offer to buy a round for example but I do know to include a tip when paying my share of a meal!) but your post makes her just sound CF.

I have a friend like this although we don't go out much anymore. When we used to my DH was always getting them drinks and none ever returned so I made him stop

The thing that pissed me off the most was it always being my house that we had gatherings at, and therefore I catered. I don't mind this, I absolutely love cooking for a group, but it has never ever not once been reciprocated in the decades we have been friends. So I've stopped hosting and guess what! I don't see them anymore.

Unfortunately for me her DH is also pathologically tight and they've tag teamed up to be the tightest couple alive.

Have not read the whole thread but agree re Splitwise. I think talking about money is a bit difficult in our culture but it shouldn't be. I have tight friends which is why I read your thread but they tend to be tight with money both when spending on themselves and others. I think it probably comes from childhood but either way it's tiresome.

Some go buy drinks while others stay at the table. Similar to when you go to a buffet type restaurant. It isn't complicated. The round buying is not usual in other countries.
I have the opposite issue going out with work colleagues where a big group will have several rounds ( mostly male and big drinkers) I will most likely only have two or three drinks so when I buy a round I am massively out of pocket. I also find it impractical spending ages in the bar ordering 10 drinks. Much better if everyone ordered their own imo

For me, informal rounds are the sort of thing that might happen naturally if you are a group of two, maaaybe three women who all happen to drink at a very similar pace, and "Oh, I've nearly finished too, let me get this one for both of us" etc.

I can't imagine doing rounds with a larger group than that, as it's very unlikely we would all drink at the same pace and some people barely drink at all, and there is no way I'd want to do it with a mixed group; most men drink significantly more than women.... and swapping out alcoholic drinks for non-alcoholic drinks does not really solve the issue as women have shorter plumbing and smaller bladders than men! I'd be going to the loo all night if I drank at the pace that a lot of men do.

Rounds for large groups is the sort of thing I associate with young, male drinkers.

If you go out with a group of friends why not suggest a kitty for drinks. All pay in X amount. If/when that is gone all pay in Y amount. It's fair and it works well.

Ten of us would go for a meal every time it was a birthday, say Chinese was £25 a head & £3 each for tip- my £28 would turn into £40 odd due to some drinking wine, (some even having doubles). I don’t drink when I am eating, might have 1 glass of water or coke. I was a part time worker so couldn’t really afford it. A couple of the other girls in my position, they too couldn’t afford it but kept quiet. It spoiled the night really as I was worried how much it was going to cost. In the end I stopped meeting up with them- shame as I enjoyed the company 😟

Everyone's had relationship issues, doesn't excuse bad behaviour.

Stop making excuses for her.

My Dsis used to be like this, until I grew a backbone.
Always in need, never giving yet she's been on more holidays than I can shake a stick at.

Friend also had a brother with similar traits, her living in a two bed flat, him in a 5 bed house. When I pointed this out to her, the penny finally dropped.

Such people manage to get by on other people's money because of fear of offending them.

Funny thing is they don't fear offending their victims.

However much I like a person's company, I don't think I could put up with this sort of mean and sneaky behaviour. She isn't really a "friend" if she takes advantage of people in this way.

If you are sure you want to maintain this friendship, then I think you are going to have to be very straight and firm with her. £5 or £10 is not an insignificant amount to expect to be repaid - in fact any amount should be repaid. I think at some stage you will have to point out to her that you can't keep subsidising her. Even if she was hard up, that would not be an excuse, but you say she has plenty of money so it is unforgiveable.

If going out in a group get a kitty together at the start of the night so she contributes the same as everyone else. If she starts drinking more expensive drinks than the rest of you mention it at the start of the evening & ask her to tip up a little more than the rest of you explaining why. Have the others onside so she can't blame you for singling her out. If you go for a meal & it's card payment split the bill as you all agree then only pay your share. if everyone else does this there should only be her share for her to pay. Tips can be paid in cash so ask each person to chip in a couple of pounds. If she rushes to grab a table before going to the bar all of you just buy your own drinks & let her get up to get hers once you're all seated. If she goes to the bar & buys herself a drink & not you then do the same back. Just buy your own drinks. If she suggests buying in rounds if it's just the two of you say 'no it's ok I need to keep a check on my spending at the minute so I'll just get my own today' Don't let her get away with it. It's CF behaviour & unfair.